After our last conversation and what almost happened, I tried to stay as far away as I could from Negan. It seemed like he was purposefully avoiding me too, us only seeing each other during the weekly meetings and nowhere else. Even during these encounters, he almost never looked at me, omitting the nicknames he usually gave me and only addressed me by my family name. It was strange, maybe because I was used to his playful and flirtatious demeanor around me, but honestly I was also glad, because that way I could kill off whatever weird feelings were growing inside of me like wild poppies in summer. Just...starve this sin. Kill it. I didn't even want to accept that something in the way I felt about him was changing and I rather preferred to just stay away. He was gone during most of the days anyways so even if I was to wander somewhere in the big building, I wouldn't see him at all.
But the big surprise came completely unannounced when one rainy morning Christian let it slip that Negan let all of his wives go. He released them without an explanation and no one dared seek one because of his jumpy and violent behavior. The girls were very happy about all of this, mainly because some of their privileges still stood, like getting lifesaving meds without points for example. Amber almost immediately moved in with her boyfriend, Frankie could freely flirt with every other man and Tanya could finally get her hands dirty in the gardens, which she liked. There was some talk amongst the people but nobody really questioned his actions, afraid that if it reached him they would be done for. Just as they never questioned him having a couple of wives. What a character.
I found myself overthinking the whole ordeal and what were his reasons behind doing this. I wondered if I and that night had anything to do with it, but quickly pushed this thought aside. He always did things for a reason, but it was foolish of me to think that I was said reason.
Then, a few days later, he went personally to Sherry to tell her that he gives her permission to move to the Kingdom for the time being, since he could see she was really depressed and miserable in the Sanctuary. This came as a huge surprise and shock for both me and her, because he never really did stuff like that or was that generous. But she was happy, so I was happy for her, too. We used our weekly visit to the Kingdom to escort her there and Ezekiel accepted her without asking too many questions. Maybe Negan wasn't such a monster after all. I couldn't tell.
Simon finally managed to force me to go with him to the Hilltop and this time I didn't have an excuse to stay behind. I really wanted to avoid this at all costs because I knew Maggie wouldn't be very content with seeing me with the Saviors. I noticed the venomous looks she shot at me and decided that I would just ignore her, it was the best option. I knew talking was futile and I knew she had all the rights to be mad at me. Me and her were never really on the same page, since the day we stepped foot in her father's farm, and we did argue about a lot of things when we traveled with the group before settling down in Alexandria. But after what happened with Glenn, I truly felt bad for her. I couldn't blame her at all for being mad at me, because, after all, I was now working for the man who killed her husband. I would want to strangle her too if that was me. But I also wanted her to understand why exactly I had to do what I did. She was a leader too and she was aware of the sacrifices we had to make for the sake of the common good. This was my sacrifice. I hated working directly for Negan too. The people he and his men killed were my friends too. Glenn was my friend too.
When we left I told Simon I didn't want to come on these visits and offered to take up the Kingdom completely instead. He agreed without asking too many questions and I was glad he didn't.
When we returned to the Sanctuary I had to go check up on the documentation of the guns we took a week and half ago. It was boring stuff, but I had to do it, since Simon left for a run and us two were mainly most competent to do this. Negan insisted everything we get to be listed and checked off, so that way stealing is prevented and we all had a clear idea of what we have and how much. It was understandable and although I wanted to go and sit on a sunny bench, rather than do that, I jogged up the stairs to the back of the building where we kept the unaccounted items. I was sporting some black high top converse, which made my steps much more quieter than my usual combat boots. This came in handy when before turning the corner I heard muffled shuffling inside the weaponry room.
Hand on my gun, I inched closer until I saw the greasy blond mop of no other than Dwight. He was laying low since the events that transpired and I almost forgot he even existed.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I startled him, gun raised, aimed at his head. He turned around, holding a bag in which handguns and grenades glistened in the dim light. His face scrunched with viciousness when he saw me. "Are you fucking stealing, Dwight? Again?"
Dwight shifted on his feet towards me.
"Why the fuck do you care?" He barked at me.
"Because I don't like people who steal." I snarled. "Put the guns down right fucking now."
He didn't move an inch, instead stayed glued to his spot.
"Put them back or I'll shoot you." I repeated slowly, my voice low. "In the leg. And then I'll drag your sorry ass to the big boss."
"Shoot me then, bitch. I don't even care anymore." He said, frustrated. "You took Sherry, you ironed my face. What is there to live for?"
"You are a pathetic piece of trash, you know that? Don't pull that act on me." I moved closer. "You won't get away with playing the victim, I know you used Sherry as leverage. I know what a lying idiot you are. You almost got her killed and honestly, if she didn't begged me to spare you, I would've blown your brains out by now. You don't love her. If you did, you wouldn't risk her life."
"You don't know shit!" He barked.
"Yeah? When you cheated repeatedly and got fucking wasted and beat her up, did you love her then?" I was starting to get very angry and was inches away from killing him on the spot. "I don't fucking believe you. You know, I hate men like you. You kiss Negan's ass when you want something, cuz you're a sleazy little bitch and then you manipulate Sherry because you know she'll be your ticket out of ending up six feet under when you do shit. Put the guns down, because I'm not the worst thing that can happen to you."
He contemplated for a bit, but then put the bag on the floor and I motioned him to go out of the room. I locked it behind him and lowered my gun, tucking it in my holster. I sighed heavily and turned around to face him.
"Now, this time I will let you go, but I will tell Negan. Next time I see you around lurking I will put a knife through your skull. Understand?" I hissed at him.
He lunged at me which I saw coming and managed to dodge him with ease. But what I did not see was the hard strong blow in my upper abdomen which left me breathless. Dwight took the opportunity before I could regain my composure and lunged again pinning me to the wall with his elbow on my neck. He pushed me with such force that my head hit the cold concrete wall and I saw stars flying in the corner of my eyes. My fingernails dug into his skin and I tried to kick him off.
"You fucking pathetic bitch." He seethed through his teeth, pressing harder so that I could barely breathe. "I will fucking kill you. I will slit your throat and no one would know. No one would care."
"Fuck. You." I managed to blurt out.
The sharp pain on the back of my head pulsated when he pushed me into the wall again. I could feel the hot blood dripping down my neck.
"You think just because you're Negan's little whore you can boss me around? Have privileges?! You know he doesn't give a damn about your ass, right?! Just wants to fuck you?" Dwight's bony arm dug into my throat hard and I could feel the lights dimming. "When he's done with you, he'll throw you out like the piece of garbage you are."
"Having fun here, Dwighty-boy?" I heard the all too familiar deep voice and for the fist time ever I was happy to hear it. Before Dwight could do anything a leather covered hand grabbed him by the collar and threw him back which such force that he went flying to the floor.
I slipped down the cold wall grasping for air and my hand instinctively went to touch the bruise on my head. My fingers were stained crimson and I felt my hair getting soaked with nasty hot liquid. My vision was blurry but I could still see the tall slim figure of Negan who crouched beside Dwight. The latter was on the floor curled up in a ball, maybe out of fear, maybe of out of pain.
"You push me and you push me...and you push me, Dwight. All the times you fucked up, and believe me when I tell you, they were many, I forgave you. You stole from me? I forgave you. You almost got Sherry killed? I forgave you. You lied? I forgave you. But now, my man, you fucked up big time." With those words Negan stood up abruptly and kicked Dwight in the stomach with his heavy combat boot. Dwight let out a muffled squeal of pain. Negan continued to kick and kick and kick until Dwight was either unconscious or dead.
I could feel myself slowly slipping into unconsciousness as well. My fingers started feeling numb.
Negan whistled to some of his men to come and take Dwight. Then he came closer to me and picked me up in his arms, my head rested on his broad shoulder. The last thing I saw before all went black was his concerned face.
—•—
The light was beaming through the large window straight onto my face. That and the voice that called my name shook me out of my slumber.
"Rise and shine, sweet thing. Rise and shine." Two strong hands gently shook my shoulders. This caused numb pain to shoot from my neck to the back of my head and I opened my eyes slowly.
For the first couple of seconds I couldn't figure out where I was but then the sour reality came crashing in.
Negan was sitting on the edge of the huge double bed and was staring at me with furrowed brows. Although he was trying to conceal it with a stern look I could see the concern in his eyes.
"What the fuck happened back there?" He asked me with an agitated tone.
I groaned and tried to sit up a bit.
"This little cockroach Dwight happened." I said weakly and reached for the glass of water on the night stand. I was in Negan's room, God knows why.
"That much I figured, darling. Tell me why he almost killed you." Negan stood up and went to his desk pouring himself gin in a large heavy glass.
"He was snooping around the new cargo of guns. Wanted to take whatever he could before they were all listed." I explained. My head was throbbing like hell. "So I tried to stop him and ended up like this. I'm so stupid. I can take him out easily, I don't know what happened."
Negan took in a sharp breath and ran a hand over his face.
"Listen here, sugar, you come to me first when that happens. You don't jump and do anything reckless like this anymore. If even a single strand of hair falls from your head or you end up dead, Rick would want my balls on a fucking keychain. And I don't want a war with Rick."
I scoffed and rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, sorry I defended your property."
Negan chuckled turning on his heels to look at me.
"Since when do you care about my property so much? I didn't know you were that devoted."
I didn't really know the answer to his question. Why did I do it? I could instead just let it pass by me and not get involved. But since I was a so called "lieutenant", I had a strong feeling of duty no matter what. This, and whatever the hell I felt for him recently. And also my pure hatred for Dwight.
Negan saw I wasn't gonna answer so he just grinned.
"Yeah, well, just try and not get yourself in trouble. Alright? You got away easy this time with just a small concussion, but that was because I was fortunately there."
Yep, he was right. And saved my life once again. Fucker.
"Can't promise you that, boss." I mocked him which earned me a raised brow. "Trouble always seems to find me."
"I wonder how you stayed alive for so long, sweetheart."
"That would be my ability to get out of said trouble." I answered and stood up from the bed.
Negan laughed wholeheartedly, his hand on his heart.
"No wonder you're my favorite with your witty remarks."
I felt slightly lightheaded as I stood up and reached for the column of the bed to support myself. Before I knew it, Negan snaked a hand around my waist and caught me on time.
Always there to catch me, huh? Fucker.
"Careful there. Don't wanna hurt your pretty face even more." I heard him saying right next to my ear.
"Why do you even care?" I snapped coldly.
I truly didn't understand why he was being so protective over me or even favored me, except for his obvious sexual attraction towards me. Maybe those weird feelings in me were urging me to get an explanation, maybe I wanted a definitive answer to the situation we were in. To his behavior towards me. Because given the fact that I also fucked up a lot of times, pulled a knife on him and talked back all of the time, I should've been punished already. So I wondered why I was still breathing and not six feet under, on the fence or locked in a cell, as he usually did with the people who wronged him. But not me. Never me. He just let me get away with everything.
"Oh, sweetheart, you still don't get it, do you?" He turned me around gently so that I could face him. His hazel eyes, that now seemed dark, bore deep into my soul and I felt a shiver run down my spine.
"What, that you only keep me around so I can be a candy to your eyes?" I hissed. "Or as Dwight said-"
"Don't." He stopped me in the middle of my sentence. "Don't fucking think that's true. It's not. And I don't appreciate him calling you my little whore, because you for sure have bigger balls than him. If anything, he's my little whore. Of course, calling you "mine" would be goddamn amazing but...yeah." He supported my weight, because my knees felt weak all of a sudden. "You truly are a candy to the eye, sweet thing, but that's not the reason you are here."
"Then what?"
"You're a good trooper." He shrugged with a smile.
I groaned in pain.
"Dwight is an idiot. I would kill him if I were you." I said. "He's only gonna cause more problems."
"Oh, I know. Good news is, he now gave me a solid fucking reason to throw him in the hole. I spared him once, which already caused some raised brows, can't afford any suspicion in my methods and punishments. But now? Oh, now little Dwighty-boy just signed his fucking sentence."
"I still don't understand why you made him a lieutenant. Why do you like him?"
"You think I like this guy? I hated him since day one. He is, just as you said, a fucking little weasel. I made him my lieutenant because he had some previous military experience and so I can keep close watch on him. He did a lot of fucking shit behind my back and he seems to never really grasp the consequences. And I know for a fact he's been using his privileges as a lieutenant to take stuff from the workers and the lower ranks. He's a bitch. Then with the whole strangling you in the forest thing I wanted to annihilate him right then, call it a battlefield accident. Now I'll just make him a slave and he'll eat dog food for the rest of his life."
"You'll leave him alive?" I frowned in disbelief.
"If you could call what's about to happen to him a life." Negan ran a hand through his hair. "But yeah. Not gonna kill him for now. He'll be a good example of what happens to people who never learn their lesson. From top to rock bottom."
He escorted me to the sofa and helped me sit down. I groaned in pain as the movement cause even more throbbing headache.
"You've been avoiding me recently." I stated, closing my eyes and resting my head on the back of the sofa.
Negan snorted a short laugh and I heard his feet propping on the table.
"Was this a desperate attempt to get my attention, sweetheart?"
"You wish it was." I huffed.
"Not avoiding, just trying to not be in your way. Although I hate it, if I have to be honest." He said, exhaling deeply.
"Why? I mean, why do you try to not be in my way?" I asked after a bit.
Negan hummed.
"Because you said you didn't want this. So, I'm just removing myself from the picture. A very nice fucking person, am I not?"
"If you really want to remove yourself from the picture, then let me go home." I pressed again. "And leave us alone for good."
"And not see your fucking beautiful face everyday? No way." He chuckled. "Even when you're mad at me, you are still fucking adorable."
"What do you want from me, Negan?" I opened one eye to look at him. He was also resting his head on the back of the leather sofa, his eyes glued to the ceiling. "I mean really. I stay here, I work hard, I'm as loyal as I can be to a leader like you. What more do you want?"
"I think you know the answer to that, sweetheart. But shit, I know it's a hard fucking pill to swallow." He said, his hand rubbing against his temple. He probably hadn't noticed that I was staring at him.
"Enlighten me." I said quietly, sacrcasm lacing my words.
He laughed, his slim fingers nursing the gin. Then his expression turned serious in a second.
"Don't play dumb, doesn't suit your sharp mind." He said hoarsely, his tone stern. Maybe I did manage to get on his nerves. A small victory.
"Why did you release your wives?" I shot quickly, without realizing what I was asking. But I guess I really wanted to know.
"I think you know the answer to that, too." He said quietly, somewhat with humor. He knew I wasn't going to answer so he sighed. "It doesn't fucking matter now, because we've got ourselves a little undercover mission that I want you to take part in." He changed the subject suavely.
I perked up a bit, ignoring the pain.
"What do you mean?"
He also lifted his head and rubbed a hand over his face. He looked exhausted.
"Now this stays between me and you, just like that fateful night two weeks ago. Am I clear?" He cocked a brow, his lips in a tight line. I nodded as much as I could manage. "Okay. I know where the base of these dickless cocksuckers is. The ones that shot at us. It's a bit of a drive, but we can manage. Now, the head honcho is this lady Pamela Milton. Her dad used to play politician, so now she's following in his steps, calls herself "a governor" or some stupid pretentious shit." Negan downed his drink and placed it on the table with a thud. "The place is called "The Commonwealth" and I want to know exactly what is going on behind these tall guarded electric fence walls. I want to know how big it is on the inside, how many people there are, how many weapons they have and everything else. Judging by the looks of it, us going there guns blazing won't be an adequate option. So," he waved a finger. "Here comes your part. Me and you, together, we go there undercover. Pretend we are some couple that got stranded on the road or some shit. We go in, we investigate and then we come back home to make up a solid fucking plan."
"Sounds...deranged." I stated. "Have you seen the place?"
"Yes. I went to check it out myself, so you know it's special. It's fucking huge by the looks of it. Like, "he spread his arms for show. "Grand. It's the biggest community I've seen so far. We don't stand a chance, they have guards on watch 24/7, rotating. So, we need to make a precise fucking cut."
"But...why?" I narrowed my eyes at him. "Why do we need to get right into the beast's mouth? Why not leave them alone?"
"Why? You really asking me that, sweetheart? Hell, because it's fun." He grinned from ear to ear. "And also, because I want whatever shit they have. Hell, I want their whole place."
"You're a true tyrant." I commented and tried to get up to get myself a glass of water. Before I could even lift an inch from the sofa, his strong hand pinned me back down.
"Water?" He asked simply.
"Yeah."
He went to the kitchen to pour me a glass. I watched him silently, his tall figure and how perfectly his fitted black t-shirt emphasized his toned body.
"I'm not a goddamn tyrant, by the way, cherry pie. I'm just calculating the risks and extracting the danger before it has a chance to even sprout." He offered me the glass. "It's what leaders do."
"It's a dangerous plan." I said, sipping from the cold water.
"I'm a dangerous man." He retorted with a grin.
I rolled my eyes at his cockiness.
"I've also noticed a disturbing pattern - each time you come on runs, shit happens. So, I don't know. I think I kinda value my life." I sighed and rubbed my eyes.
Negan laughed and rested back on the sofa, legs sprawled.
"I would go alone if I could, but I need you for a couple of fucking reasons. First, I can't go by myself because look at me" he motioned with his hands. "I look threatening as fuck. Now, with a cute girl by my side, the levels of 'I'm a bad person and will most definitely be a problem' lower to almost a zero. Second, you have outstanding memory and can draw a map in your mind in a second. I'm good with directions, but hell, you're better. Third, you are one brave little badass and don't shy away from killing if necessary, you're not gonna pull the whole 'but is this right?' act on me. Fourth, I trust you, because you saved my life twice already and with what you did today you sealed the deal. Fifth,...well." Negan chuckled charmingly. "I fucking like you. A lot. So buckle up, buttercup. It's gonna be an adventure." He said the last words like a promoter on TV would advertise a travel destination and even sent a wink at me.
I rolled my eyes again with a smile, he was very convincing and very charismatic. Although the whole thing sounded like a terrible idea, it somehow also made me curious. It was thrilling.
"Well..." I drawled, playing it as if I was considering his offer. "I have to get better first, because with that pounding headache I won't be of any use."
"So... you'll come?" He pressed on, a sly smile crippling on his face.
"I will think about it." I peeked at him with a small smile. "Or is this a pathetic attempt to get me to play boyfriend-girlfriend with you?"
A large grin spread across his face.
"Damn right it is. You got me, sweetheart. And here I was, thinking I can get past your brilliant mind. Fuck me."
"Later, maybe." I mocked him with his own words and his brows raised in pure amusement.
"You're playing a dangerous game, teasing me like that, baby." He said, shuffling closer to me on the sofa. "And believe me, if you want me to court you like only I fucking can, then you shall receive just that."
"Oh, so what you've been doing lately isn't courting?" I asked, pretending to be confused.
Silence came between us, him only smirking. He then dragged a hand down his face, still smiling, and pointed at my feet.
"Nice kicks by the way. I like them on you. You gotta finish up the outfit with some pigtails and you're set and ready to go." He said and I could feel the way he was taunting me.
"They're good for kicking assholes too." I glared at him. "Wanna see?"
"You still have a smart mouth, even when you got yourself a concussion." Negan stood up and spun around theatrically with arms wide open. "Now, if you may, my fair lady, I have to escort you to your rooms, because I have some fucking work to get to."
"You ruined the whole act with that "fucking" in the end." I snickered lazily and outstretched my hand so he can lift me up.
"Fucking in the end is usually a good thing." He grinned and I glared at him, huffing a laugh. "And sorry to disappoint, princess, but I've never been a good actor."
"Oh, now that's just a blunt lie. You're the best actor and showman I know." I teased as he wrapped a hand around my waist and guided me through the hallway.
"Was that supposed to be a compliment or am I getting ahead of myself?" He replied with his usual arrogant smile.
"Take it as you like." I said and winced because of the throbbing pain.
"Jesus, Blackburn, I'm not letting you lift a finger for at least a week or two." He swept me off of my feet and took me in his arms. I squealed in surprise, wrapping my hand around his neck to keep myself steady.
"Why do you want to carry me around all the time?" I protested in annoyance. "That's like the second time in recent."
"Why is it suddenly my fault that you can almost never walk on your own?" He chuckled down at me. "First you got fucking wasted, then got a concussion. I'm being a gallant fucking gentlemen for you and you don't appreciate it."
I tried to come up with a good come back but couldn't so I just pouted angrily.
"Cat got your tongue?" He teased as he opened the door to my room.
"No. A barbaric leader did." I deadpanned. He chuckled and gently let go of me so I can stand on the ground. I immediately plopped down on my bed. "I think I'm gonna sleep till next year."
"Do that, sweetheart." He stood next to my bed, hands on his belt with a concerned expression. "I'll check up on you later."
"You don't have to, boss. I'll be fine." I said, my eyes already closing.
"Don't give me that bullshit." He strolled towards the door and opened it quietly. "See you later."
I watched him as he exited the room. He then stopped abruptly and turned around.
"Oh, almost forgot with that whole fiasco." He offered me a charming smile. "You're getting a new room. Given you're climbing up the career ladder, you need a reward. Good work gets rewarded."
"What?" I frowned.
"Don't go jumping with happiness now." He mocked my reaction. "You'll like it, trust me. And it's closer to my room. You know, in case you get lonely at night." He winked at me and I groaned, turning around in bed to look away from him and his smug face.
"Bye." I said dismissively, voice muffled by my pillow.
"Bye, dove."
The door clicked closed behind him and the silence of the room engulfed me in its embrace.
—•—