*what if I stay forever? What if there's no goodbye? Frozen for a moment here in time.
If you tell me the sky is falling, or say that the stars collide; the only thing that matters in my life
Is you and I tonight...*
Liz was determined to give Red a chance and had decided to go away with him over the weekend despite the nagging feeling that they were moving too fast. She really liked him and she was even starting to fall in love but the butterflies Liz felt in her stomach when he touched her made her sick. If she was perfectly honest with herself she had to admit that she was scared of committing to him.
"You won't regret it, it's wonderful out here," Red said when the car stopped in front of the small house.
"Yeah, it's also. . . dark," Liz commented carefully.
"You can appreciate the landscape tomorrow," he promised her, chuckling, and pressed a kiss to her cheek, "Now, come on."
Red left the car and retrieved the bags from the trunk, refusing to let Liz carry her own. It was cold inside the small house and she was sure it wouldn't heat up very quickly so she decided to keep her coat on for the time being. Getting a cold was the last thing she needed right now.
"I'm sorry, my friend keeps the heating low when no one's around. I'll turn it up and light a fire. Do you want to make us some tea?"
Liz nodded and trudged into the corner that was used as a kitchen. The house wasn't big, just a single room used as living room and kitchen, a bathroom and bedroom. She checked a couple of cupboards before she found the teabags and started heating up some water. When she turned around after a few minutes, holding a cup of tea in each hand, she found Red standing in the doorway, watching her.
"When are you going to lighten up?" he asked, taking one of the mugs from her.
"I don't know what you mean," Liz replied, walking past him to where he had spread a few blankets in front of the small, flickering fire. She quietly sat down.
Liz didn't react when he approached and let himself sink into the soft blankets next to her. Red took one of them and laid it around her shoulders.
"Thanks," Liz said, "I'll probably lighten up once this place gets a little warmer."
"I hope so, I've got a few things planned for tomorrow."
They sat in silence for a moment, watching the flames dance around the fireplace. Liz took a sip from her tea that was still too hot and set the mug aside. She scooted over, closer to Red and rested her head on his shoulder.
"Thank you for bringing me here. I'm sure it's going to be a lovely weekend," she said softly and nuzzled against the fabric of his jumper.
He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer and kissed her hair.
"When are you doing to tell me what happened with your last boyfriend?" he asked out of the blue and Liz was sure he could feel her stiffen at the mention of him. She tried to relax in his embrace but didn't quite manage.
"I don't. . ."
"You don't wanna talk about it," he interrupted her.
"Yes."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be nosy, I just get the feeling that it would help me understand you. I mean, if it ended badly or. . ."
"Please," Liz begged quietly, hoping he would stop.
"If you still love him. . ."
"Shut up," she suddenly found herself yelling. Liz wrestled free of his embrace to look at him, "Please, just shut up. I don't want to talk about him."
"Liz, I care about you, nothing could change that. You can tell me anything."
"I know," she whispered, "But I really can't talk about it now. I think I'm going to take a bath."
The hot water made her feel better and yet it couldn't wash away the feeling that she had overreacted. Why was she still keeping it from Red? She was pretty sure that absolutely nothing would change between the two of them. Red was considerate and sweet and he would understand why she needed to take things slow and he would give her all the time in the world. But Tom was back in her head. Liz thought she had been ready to move on without feeling guilty but it turned out she had been wrong. She had really loved Tom. Twelve months should be too soon to fall for another man. And what if she really let herself fall for Red and lost him, too? Sometimes the risk seemed just too big.
Then there was a knock on the door. Liz sighed.
"Come in."
But instead of entering the bathroom, Red slid his hand through the crack, waving a white handkerchief.
"I take it you are coming in peace?" Liz asked, suppressing a chuckle. He was so silly sometimes.
"I'm sorry, I really am," Red apologized as he walked through the door and closed it behind him. He walked over to the bathtub and sat down on the rim, "I won't ever ask again. I promise."
"Okay," Liz nodded, smiling lightly, "I will tell you some day, but not now."
"So, are we good? I hate it when you're mad at me."
Liz frowned a little and then surprised him by splashing water in his face.
"Hey," he yelled, instantly defending himself by splashing water back at her. It wasn't the best of counter attacks as she was already wet, but it still had the desired effect. Liz started laughing.
"Now we're good," she announced, smiling. John reached for her face and gently pulled it closer. His lips touched her own carefully as if he wasn't sure she wanted to kiss him now. Liz opened her mouth and let her tongue sweep playfully over his, her hand leaving the warm water to find some part of his body to hold on to. The he suddenly pulled away from her, a smirk on his face.
"I am really trying not to be turned on by the fact that you're completely naked and wet in front of me."
"Well, the tub is big enough for two," Liz suggested and only a few seconds later he was on top of her, still fully clothed, kissing her.
"You're crazy," she said, laughing at the silliness of the situation and how he had managed to completely lighten up her mood in a matter of minutes.
"Only crazy about you," he replied.
OOO
Red really hadn't lied about his plans for the weekend. He woke her up a little later than he had probably intended because they had spent most of the night making love in front of the fireplace, something Liz had originally considered too romantic for her taste. Breakfast was ready when she woke up and the whole room smelled of delicious, fresh coffee.
"How are you feeling?" he asked when they had settled at the small table.
"Perfect, and you?" Liz replied happily and meant it.
"Well, I'm afraid I'm a little too old for experiments like sleeping on the floor."
"Aw, poor you. We should take a walk after breakfast, it'll help your back," Liz suggested.
"No, walk is number three on the list."
"What are number one and two?"
"One is breakfast, two is a tour with the boat. I brought a special jacket for you, just in case yours isn't water and wind resistant."
Liz smiled. "Did anyone ever tell you that you are the most considerate man on the planet?"
"Only the planet? How man considerate aliens do you know?" Red raised an eyebrow.
"Shut up, you silly man," she said, laughing.
Red took her out on the boat and Liz was thankful for the warm and comfy jacket he had brought for her, and also because the waves weren't too high. She hadn't really been out on the ocean before and afraid she might get sick, but the view was perfect. They drove around the coast and Liz whipped out her phone to take pictures of the landscape. Then she turned the camera on Red.
"Smile!" she said and took a picture. When she looked at it she broke out into laughter, "When I said smile I meant for you to smile, not close your eyes and look goofy."
"Well, you could've given me a warning."
"Okay, let's try again," Liz said and moved to the back of the boat where he was holding the tiller.
She turned on the front camera and leaned closer to him.
"Now, smile," she reminded Red and took the picture. It actually turned out to look sweet.
"Oh, you have to send it to me later," he said and kissed her softly.
The walk was just as idyllic as the boat ride and although the jacket was doing a good job at keeping Liz warm her legs felt frozen.
"So, what else is on the list for today after this?" she asked after a while.
Red looked down at her in surprise. "You're cold."
"I didn't say that," Liz argued, "Okay, I could really do with some warming up."
"Well, I have an idea about that," he grabbed her from behind and started placing kisses on her cheek, causing Liz to giggle again.
"Okay, okay, I get your idea, you madman," she laughed and turned around in his embrace, now staring directly into his eyes, "Let's go back."
As soon as the door had closed behind them his hand has swiftly opened the zip of Liz's jacket and he was kissing her longingly, pushing her against the back of the door with the weight of his body.
"Admit it," she said breathlessly, "You only brought me here because it's cold and the only way to warm up is through body heat."
"Didn't even cross my mind," Red smirked at her, throwing his own jacket aside before cupping her face in both his hands. Liz caught him gazing at her dreamily.
"I love you, Lizzie," he said sincerely and his words started to tear a hole in her stomach. Red bent down to kiss her again, but Liz gently pushed him away. He saw the confused look in his eyes and she knew what was about to happen. This was the moment. The moment she had no choice but to tell him and yet she wished there was a way out.
"Are you alright? Did I do something wrong?" Red asked immediately.
Liz shook her head slightly. She needed some distance, she wouldn't have minded a country being between them right now, but there was only the other end of the room to flee to.
"It's too fast. Everything is just happening too fast," Liz said softly, "I can't do it."
The confusion in him only seemed to grow.
"What? Because I said that I love you? Liz, it's okay. I didn't mean to pressure you. You don't have to say it back right now."
"No, you don't understand. I can't ever say it back to you," she said desperately. Liz was starting to feel the tears coming. There was no way back now. She had to tell him about Tom, about the day he died. No matter how much it hurt. Otherwise he would never understand. Red was so kind and sweet and Liz had no intention of hurting him any further, yet it was exactly what she was doing.
"Lizzie, why are you making such a big deal out of this?" Red asked and she could hear he was trying very hard to not sound angry, "I know that you have feelings for me. I also know that something is bothering you and I have promised not to ask about it anymore, but I don't understand it, Lizzie. What are you trying to tell me? That you want to break up? That you like me but you will never love me? What is it?"
She was crying now. She had tried not to but it hadn't worked. She saw Red approaching her, probably in an attempt to comfort her but she had to stop him.
"Because my boyfriend died," Liz found herself yelling.
He stopped dead in his tracks, the mask of confusion and anger dropping instantly.
"He died and the last thing I said to him was that he was the last person who would ever hear me say 'I love you'. I don't even know if he heard it but I promised him and I will never break that promise."
"Lizzie," Red tried to say but she interrupted him immediately.
"No, don't say it. Whatever you're feeling right now, just keep it to yourself," Liz said angrily and wiped away her tears, "It's probably best if we do break up. You deserve better."
"No, you deserve better," he said determinedly, quickly before she had the chance to interrupt him again.
"Why? When Tom died, he took my whole life with him. My love, my job, everything. Now I'm just empty. I have nothing to give."
As she spoke Red stepped closer and only stopped right in front of her. Liz felt his hand stroking her hair gently before he pulled her to his chest and hugged her tightly. She couldn't help but start sobbing again.
"Come here," Red said softly and lead her to the sofa. They both sat down and Liz kept her face buried in his chest and cried until there were no more tears left in her.
He made no other attempt to talk to her for quite some time, instead he just held her, stroking her hair and allowing her to let it all out.
At some point Liz must have fallen asleep because she woke up in his embrace. His caresses had stopped, but Red was still holding her, watching over her.
"Hey," he whispered as soon as she stirred.
"Hey," Liz replied weakly. She felt so tired after all the crying.
"Lizzie," he began carefully, "What you said, it's not true. You deserve to be happy. No man that has ever loved you would want to see you unhappy. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about."
"How?" she asked without looking up.
"I've had my share of losses, more than I would've liked. I've lost one too many loved ones that's why I got out of the Navy. One day I'd tell them about you, how I lost my wife, my baby girl... None of them were worth throwing your life away for. I know it's not easy or dealt with in a few weeks, I know the guilt can be overwhelming sometimes. But eventually you'll make it and I'd like to be there for you all the way. That is, if you want me there."
Clara reached out and took his hand in hers, admiring it for a while before she responded.
"I don't know," she sighed, "I keep changing my mind. I really enjoy being with you, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not really me, like this isn't really my life and when everything get so surreal the thought of Tom keeps coming back to me and I can't handle it. I just feel lost."
"Mh, have you ever considered that the feeling of being lost might have nothing to do with you and me?" Red asked. "Maybe you really aren't living your life."
"I want to go home," Liz admitted sadly.
"That's okay," Red sighed, "I'll pack our things."
OOO 2 DAYS LATER OOO
When the door bell rang Liz had already prepared everything. She was wearing a nice but casual dress, the table was set and dinner would be done in 20 minutes. She rushed to the door and opened it with a smile, greeting a rather confused Raymond Reddington.
"Hey, come on in," she said happily.
Red eyed her cautiously and stepped inside, checking her place for clues why she had invited him over.
"I missed you in class today," Red stated, but it sounded more like a question.
"Yeah, I made a decision," Liz said nervously and gestured towards a chair, "Do you want to sit?"
"Okay," Red replied, still looking suspicious, but he sat down eventually.
Liz took a deep breath.
"I've been thinking about what you said. And I think you were right. This thing I'm doing now isn't me, so I thought about it all day yesterday and did some research. I found a school about 20 minutes from here and they were looking for a Psychology teacher. So instead of coming to class today I went there. Turned out one of their teachers fell ill very unexpectedly and they needed someone to fill in immediately."
Red raised an eyebrow. "Past tense meaning?"
"I said yes. I'm starting next week. I know it's a big step and it might be a mistake and I might find that I still can't do my old job again, but I want to at least try. I've done university before and I wasn't really keen on doing it again in the first place but there didn't seem another option at that time. Besides, dating my professor is kind of weird."
Liz stopped, waiting for Red's reaction. She spotted a flicker of hope in his eyes but he didn't say a word, waiting for her to finish.
"I want to give us a chance, a proper one. I might not be ready to say the words to you any time soon and I might not be easy to handle all the time but I like you too much to miss out on this one. I can't promise you anything, I can't promise that it will all work out but I know for sure that I don't want to lose you. So what do you say?" Liz asked nervously.
"Wow," Red said, "You really spent a day thinking about this, haven't you? If there's a pro and con list, I'd like to have a look at it."
"Don't make fun of me. What do you think?" she asked impatiently.
Red rose from his chair again and a smile appeared on his face. He stepped closer and lifted his hands to her cheeks.
"I think it will all work out, eventually," he said softly and placed a kiss in her lips, "And I'm very glad. Now, is there a pro and con list?"
"Maybe," Liz replied wish a sheepish smile.
"And what does it say about me on the pro side?"
"Oh, you would like to know, wouldn't you?"
The kitchen alarm beeped, telling Liz that the food was now ready.
"Maybe I'll tell you after dinner. Maybe," she giggled and walked towards the kitchen, happy and already knowing that she had made the right decision. Red was usually right. It would all work out eventually.