Marriage is like a boat on the sea. Sometimes it sails smoothly, sometimes it faces storms. But the worst thing is when it starts to drift away, slowly and silently, until you realize you are too far from each other to reach out. That's when you have to decide whether to row back or let go.
Looking at him made me realize what we could've been if only I fought for him--for us. Siguro, masaya kami ngayon, siguro... kung hindi lang ako natakot. Greggy and I have been married for almost 3 years now. But not like other typical, normal couples, we don't get to share the intimacy anymore. Siguro, katulad niya, napagod nalang din siya.
And I understand. Naiintindihan ko siya because it was me who told him that I wanted to end things between us.
But, honestly, I miss his warmth, I miss the way he looked at me before as if I was the most precious person in his life; the way he embraced me as if he was too scared to lose me... the way he held my hand as if he couldn't live without me...
We're married not for the sake of love. He fell first, but yes, I eventually fell harder. We got married dahil kailangan namin para sa mga negosyo namin. It was our parents who arranged our marriage. At first, ayaw niya. Dahil alam naman niyang hindi ko siya gusto, at hindi ako papayag sa ganoong sitwasyon. But as a daughter, I had to make sacrifices not only for our family business, but for my parents too.
For the first few years of our marriage, Greggy was too understanding with every terms and conditions that I had to make. I drew a line between us. I was too afraid that I might fall for him when it was clear that it was just pure business.
He cooks for me, he always drive for me, ayaw niya pa before na ipagkatiwala ako sa driver namin as long as he could, he will. He respects my boundaries--and most of all, he remained faithful.
I always told him that it's okay with me if he wants to see other women, I wouldn't mind at all. But he would always give me a stern look, nagagalit siya tuwing sinasabi ko iyon sa kaniya. Natatawa nalang din ako. Because why would you choose to remain loyal and faithful in a one-sided marriage? or worse, in a marriage that wasn't even vowed out of love.
Hindi ko siya maintindihan noon...
Not until I was the one who fell.
That's the time I realized how important it is to keep your vow, no matter what.
But when I learned to love him...
It was all too late...
Whenever I tried to reach for him, he would distance himself; would make countless excuses just to avoid me. He would not reach my hand anymore whenever I felt scared; he would not embrace me on cold nights anymore; he would not caress my hair whenever I was having trouble sleeping; he barely looked into my eyes--if he would, I could not see the admiration he had for me before...
And I couldn't blame him. Hindi ko siya masisisi, kasi alam kong kasalanan ko. As much as I wanted to make this marriage work, hindi ko rin puwede ipilit ang hindi na puwede. I was taken aback when he called me, I immediately looked at him;
"Irene..." he was wearing a white polo and khaki pants, halatang may pupuntahan. He didn't mention anything about his schedule today.
"hmmm?" I hummed. I'm just tending the plants, hindi ko nga namalayan na nahanap niya ako dito sa garden.
"Alis na ako" he simply said, he looked so handsome with his fresh look. "I see... will you spend dinner here?" I asked as I put down the garden scissors. He shook his head, "no. You also don't have to wait for me or cook for me. Baka late na rin ako makakauwi" he explained, looking at me blankly. I bit my lower lip and slowly nodded my head.
"Okay... ingat ka" I replied and continued what I was doing. I turned my back to him as I heard footsteps fading.
Night came at wala pa nga rin siya. I didn't receive any texts from him the whole day. Hindi naman niya gawain and pag-alalahin ako... It's already 10:00 PM when I received a text message.
I saw his name so, I opened it in an instant.
From: Hubby
Irene, this is Ethan, iuuwi ko si Greg diyan. He's so wasted. Malapit na rin kami.
Goodness! this man. hindi man lang nagsabi na iinom pala! Few minutes after ay may kumatok sa pinto. It was manang, telling me nasa baba na si Greggy at Ethan. He does really look so wasted.
"Irene, pasensya ka na at ganiyan kong binalik asawa mo ha. Ayaw papigil kasi kanina eh. Buti nga napilit ko 'yan maihatid dito at gusto pa mag-drive sana pauwi." Ethan explained, I tapped his arm and nodded, "it's okay. pasensya ka na rin at naabala ka pa...."
"he didn't tell you?" Ethan asked, he's a close friend of Greggy and I, so, it's no new to him that our marriage is on the rocks.
I just simply nodded in answer, as I sighed looking at my husband.
"Maaayos niyo rin 'yan. Mahal ka niyan..." he smiled at me as if he is trying to console me at the same time. "How I wish that's true, Ethan..." nanghihina kong sagot. He just gave a deep sigh and looked at his friend, "mahal na mahal ka niyan" he repeated.
Tinulungan niya akong iakyat si Greg sa kuwarto namin dahil sa pagkalaking tao ng asawa ko ay baka sabay pa kami mahulog sa hagdan. Pagkatapos ay umuwi na rin agad si Ethan.
Pumunta agad ako sa banyo to get a warm basin of water and a cloth; inilapag ko iyon sa mesa habang si Greg ay nakahiga sa sofa. I went to him to remove his clothes para mapalitan ko na rin. He reek of alcohol!
I heard him groan, " who are you?" he asked, squinting his eyes. I just ignored him and continued undressing him when he grabbed my left wrist, which made me stop. "Stop what you're doing... I'm married" he added as he tried to sit down on the couch.
I shook my head, "You're really that drunk..." I commented as I stood up and to get the cloth para mapunasan ko rin siya. He's just staring at me, habang papalapit ako sa kaniya.
"I told you, I'm married." he repeated. Hindi ko na siya pinansin pa at nag-umpisa nang punasan ang pisngi niya. sa pagka-mestizo niya ay talagang namumula siya ngayon.
"But you're not wearing your wedding band." I replied, I took the opportunity to talk to him even though I know that he's drunk.
He gave me a smirk, "kahit na... may asawa pa rin ako... and I'm proud to call her my wife..." he replied. I bit my lower lip as I try to hold my tears from falling.
Hindi ko alam na he's still proud to call me his...
"kahit na hindi niya iparamdam sa akin na asawa niya ako, mahal na mahal ko 'yon... kahit napapagod na rin ako, pinipilit ko siyang intindihin kasi nangako ako sa kaniya, nangako ako sa harap ng altar na hindi ko siya iiwan... pero natatakot din ako na baka dumating 'yong araw na maubos din ako... alam mo 'yun? mahal mo isang tao pero kailangan magtira ka rin para sa sarili mo... hindi ko rin alam saan ba ako nagkulang, o kung sumobra ba ako... kaya nilalayo ko nalang sarili ko, kasi ayaw ko siya masaktan... ayaw kong nasasaktan ko siya..."
bawat salita na binibitawan niya, sinasaksak ako. ang sakit-sakit pala na mula mismo sa kaniya marinig. para bang ipinamukha niya sa akin how I did not even gave a care to this marriage. I know he wanted this marriage to work. Pero hindi ko naibigay sa kaniya... Hindi ko maibigay sa kaniya...
"pero, napapagod din ako.nasasaktan din ako..." he added, but now, he's weeping. para bang ngayon lang siya nagkaroon ng pagkakataon para magluksa.
Magluksa sa lahat ng sakit na binigay ko sa kaniya.
But I still managed to ask him the question na takot na takot akong itanong sa kaniya.
"Why don't you leave her, then? kung nasasaktan at napapagod ka na?" I asked, as I sobbed. Caressing his face, his eyes are now swollen from crying, namumula siya at basang-basa na ring ang mukha niya sa luha.
"Kahit masakit, kahit nakakapagod. Mahal ko pa rin eh." he answered as he bowed his head, sobbing. "mahal na mahal ko asawa ko..." he added. Lalo ako nanghina, ngayon ko lang siya nakita na ganito. I lifted his chin so that he could look at me;
"I'm sorry, Greg... I am sorry for causing you such pain" I replied as I kissed him on the lips. That's the time he realized who I was. He wept in front of me as he allowed me to hug him.
"Nakakapagod kang mahalin, Irene..."
And that hit me, kung hindi ko siya pakakawalan, lalo ko lang siya masasaktan...