TW - Mention of Selfhatred, abusive words and Homphobia.
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No one will ever love you!, the voice screamed again.
Cole shook his head.
They will ban you, kick you out of the team.
That is not true.
His friends will understand.
They will...
They must...
It wasn't until something wet touched his hands, that Cole realized he was crying.
Like a stupid baby, he scolded himself.
But it doesn't matter anyway. No one could see him, nor hear...-
"Cole, if you don't open this door immediatly I'm gonna smash it", Nya.
Of course she had followed him.
If there was one thing he ever so respected about her, it was the way she cared for the people she loved.
Even though they hurt her in the past. Did some things she didn't deserve...
Like using her to cover your own helplessness. Cover your sins. The fact that you are... disgusting..
A sob slipped out of his throat and Cole quickly hid his head under the neckline of his shirt, crying quietly.
It was bad. It was awful. Terrible. What would his father think? He'd probably disown him.
Bad enough he had already let him down by becoming a ninja and no dancer.
And now, coming out as gay... No, he could never.
Cole could easily settle down with a pretty girl, marrying, getting children, living a lie, making his father happy.
Making his friends think he waa normal.
His friends...
Nya was still banging on the door, Cole couldn't decide if it was still knocking or her attempt to "smash" it down.
But either way - she was loud.
And they were on a tiny ship. The Ninja's room was like 2 doors farther.
Wu's 4 doors.
It was already hard enough to slip out of it, without making a noise, whilst falling over Jay's shoes.
So it was just a matter of time until...
"Nya, are 'ye fine?", a sleepy voice called over the floor.
Lloyd.
Shit.
Cole quickly tried to dry his eyes with his sleeves.
No need to panic. Nothing had happened. Nothing needs to change.
"I'm good, but Cole-", Cole unlocked the door before Nya could finish, quickly stepping out of the bathroom not daring looking one of his friends, that stood like royal guards down the hallway, in the eyes. As he made his way back to his bed.
Jay grabbed his wrist, stopped him.
"You okay, buddy?"
"Yeah, just... felt a little.. off. I'm better now, thanks", he mumbled as he tried to unwrap Jay's fingers from his arm.
"Cole. Don't try to lie to me. I know you too well"
"Ah, don't you use my own words against me", Cole groaned, knowing this was exactly what always tells Jay, whenever the zaptraps tries to find lame excuses for obvious lies about his well-being.
Mostly used, when they were fighting over Nya.
Or.. when Jay fought over Nya, while Cole fought his sexual orientation.
He gulped.
Swallowed back the tears, that were forming again.
"Yeah, ever since Shintaro, you act weird. Is it because if Vania?", Kai teased.
Cole got dizzy. "No.", he pressed out.
"Uhh, so little Cole has a crush, he?", Lloyd wiggled his eyebrows.
Well Cole didn't see him wiggle them, but he always wiggles them, while teasing others.
Cole in fact didn't see anything, as he had his eyes closed.
He expected the next punch coming from Jay but his best friend was unexpectatly quiet.
"Come on, Cole. Don't try to hide it from us", Kai went on. "You woke us up in the middle of the night for that. Might as well just tell us"
That was, when Cole exploded. Mentally. "I did not wake you up. It was Nya"
"Technically", she said in a defending tone. "But I was just worried about you. You looked SICK out there. And you don't look better now. So, Kai, Lloyd, whatever it is that Cole is going through, it's definitley not a reaction to a crush"
They were so close. So close to the truth.
But they should never know. Never!
"It's just, Shintaro's been pretty much a ride of emotions. When I found Gleck in my bed room with my mom's necklace, the skull sorcerer, my mother being their praised hero many years ago, the spinjitzu burst... It...", Cole almost mentioned Vania in his excuses.
But he decided that no girl ever should be used to hide his gay panic.
Not like Nya.
He would never hurt a girl again, so fuck that "he could settle down with a nice girl and live a lie and blah blah"
In which God forgotten universe would that be fair to anyone?!
So, he must die a single. Lonely.
It wasn't like gay couples or even marriages weren't a thing in Ninjago.
But they still were eyed different.
Seen as "not normal". And if Cole couldn't allow himself anything than it was being "not normal".
His father would disgrace and disown him.
Hate him. Being disgusted by his mere existence.
And his friends... his friends... they probably would never understand also. And it would never be the same again.
They would always feel weird in his presence, thinking he would hit on them, a chlichè, because being gay doesn't mean you hit on ANY man.
A terrible, terrible chlichè, that would bring a splinter into their friendship...
They will eventually leave him and then...
And then...
Then...
It wasn't until he felt Jay rubbing his back, that he noticed he had started crying.
What first must have came out as silent tears quickly turned into sobs, once Cole the expressions on his friends beuatiful faces.
They wouldn't look so worried about him, if they knew the truth.
The walls suddenly came in and Cole sank to the ground, Jay with him, rubbing his back.
"Might as well tell the truth now", Jay whispered.
Cole looked up, shocked.
Did he know? How?
But Jay wasn't looking at him. He was looking behind him.
And Cole realized that it wasn't Jay who had said that, but Master Wu.
He kneed down next to him.
"Back in the mountain, I realized, how much you still need me as your sensei", he said, looking at Cole, but speaking to all of them.
The others also were sitting down at this point.
"You are still teenagers. Young, talented, amazing, special, but also angsty teenagers. Everyone of you, is or has been going through something lately. And let me tell you, puberty is not easy, I went through it twice"
That made the others laugh and even Cole let out a snort, thinking back to the times they took care of "baby wu".
"And you saved the city so many times, but who is ever there to save you? From your fears and doubts. I was. I think I was..", he mumbled.
"You pretty much were the first person we were running to whenever something was wrong", Lloyd agreed with him.
"True"
"Absolutely"
"Indeed"
The others chimed in.
"Until, a couple months ago I had decided, that I was old and you were adults. But..", Wu's eyes softened.
"..that is not correct. You may sometimes act very... adult... but, you'll always be children. My children", Wu let out a sob and quickly covered it with a cough, but the others knew.
And it was true. They all are or were going through hard stages with there family by blood.
But that made them Wu's kids.
Cole realized how he felt better. Knowing that whatever Lou would say about Cole, he had Wu.
Always.
"And down in the mountain you, Cole, proofed that to me. So.. If you feel ready, you can tell me what is going on with you. Me, or all of us. Whenever you are ready. But know, that whatever it is, me, your brothers and your sister, will always be by your side"
Cole looked up, finding his friends looking at him supportive.
Cole swallowed the heavy lump in his throat.
He cleared his throat.
Here we go, he thought.
What could possibly go wrong?
Wu was right. About what he had just said.
They were teenagers, yes. But the things they have faced on their missions, not even an adult would want to experience.
So, he had done worse things before.
A little come out couldn't possibly hurt him.
And even though the thought still chased an ache through his heart - if his friends don't support him, they wouldn't be his friends.
"I... Don't have a crush on Vania", he managed to say through a shaky voice.
Kai nudged his sides. "Hey, we were just joking, you know. Nothing wrong with that, or even if... it's okay"
Cole looked up, found his firm golden-brown look.
Then shook his head. "It's not that. I mean... I don't have a crush on Vania. Or back then.. I didn't have a crush on Nya... Or... any girl"
"So.. You're afraid you'll die a virgin?", Jay said chuckling.
"Come on, Cole, we'll find a pretty girl for you one day"
"What if I don't want a girl?"
"Then a boy", Lloyd said.
"No, I mean, what if... what?", Cole's heart stopped.
Was Lloyd mocking him?
But the green ninja only shrugged.
"I'm just saying, if you don't want a girl, I'm pretty sure you'll find a boy for yourself"
"Yeah, but... Do you know what that means?"
"Sure"
"No, I... I... You.. I..."
Lloyd and Kai gave each other a look and then both chuckled.
"I- I don't think this is funny", Cole almost stumbled over his own words.
He was angry, confused, frustrated.
Don't they understand? How important this was to him.
"I... I don't think I could ever look at a girl like Kai looks at Skylor. Or bound my life on one, like Jay and Nya. Or.. Or... Aghh.. I don't know... I mean... I could, but that wouldn't be true and unfair and..."
"Just say it, Cole", Jay.
"No, I-"
"I need you to say it"
"What are you expecting me to just say?"
"It"
"?"
"Stop all your filling words and get it over with"
Cole sighed. He was right. Everybody knew what the word meant anyway.
What it meant.. yeah. But right now, only he knew what it felt like.
He inhaled.
"I'm gay"
And exhaled.
There was dead silence.
Then Jay started giggling. "You owe me five bucks, Kaiiiii"
"WHAT?", Cole let out, probably only in his mind, because his mouth refused to work.
Or his heart, or his brain.
What was happening?
"Great heavens, I could've sworn he was at least bisexual", Kai grunted.
"Only because you cannot understand how ANYONE could not love women" Zane chuckled, Nya nudged his arm. "Don't you laugh. Our guess was an asexual fear of interpersonal connection"
"And I", Lloyd said. "Should've bet with Jay. I knew it the WHOLE TIME. The way he was so impressed when I made Zane wear his pink suit"
Cole sank back, almost blacking out, not realizing he had been holding his breath the whole time.
"Woah, Cole, you okay?", Kai asked, worried.
Cole shook his head no. "You... k-knew the w-wh-whole time?", he stuttered.
The others shared a look then shrugged.
"Dude... You weren't that.. well... it was obvious"
Cole managed to sit up again.
"So, you're cool with it?"
"Why wouldn't we?"
"Because, because... I don't really know"
He didn't really. All his fears and thoughts and panics had just randomly disappeared.
Leaving a void in his chest that was slowly but surely filling up with the realization of what had just happened.
He came out. His friends understand. Even more, they seem to be happy for him.
That was...
Everything he ever wished for. More than he had wished for in fact.
That was....
"Awesome", Cole couldn't find a better word.
The others laughed, hugging him, making him feel so loved and welcomed.
While they were sitting there, all caught in a warm embrace, he felt one hand specifically heavy on his shoulder.
He turned and found Wu, still kneeing behind him.
With one look the earth ninja invited Wu into the hug, and as the Sensei shook his head, Cole rolled his eyes and pulled him into it.
Cole was sure, Wu had known it all the time.
But he would do little about telling Kai.
Saying he owned another one five bucks.
Cole sighed.
He was happy. And he knew, that whatever some other people might say:
This was his true family.