How could the universe do this to us?
The only thing that made my life sprinkle like daylight turned out to be someone who will paint my world in the purest and endless shades or gray and black.
And I do question the sky... how could he do this to me? How did he break his promise to keep the bright colors and keep our lives shines in the brightest and happiest form?
How could he do this to me?
How could the universe do this to us?
They say that I tend to victimize myself most of the time... why can't I?
Kung paulit ulit lang naman nangyayari sa buhay ko.
It's sickening to know the fact the people hurt me but they still manage to live a good life while I'm here... in the verge of falling down to the depth of the hell of sadness.
Ang daya.
Some people were so lucky to get every good things in life while me? While everyone gets the things they've always wanted, I always get the things I never wanted.
Until him.
He was the first thing I wished will be mine and for some blessing... I got him.
Miguel doesn't even realize that I was the first one who fell for him.
He kept on insisting that he fell first... that he liked me first. That's just what he believes... because the truth?
I worked so hard... I made myself worthy of him.
Ang perfect niya. He's got everything I wanted in my life— an almost perfect life. And the universe once sided with him when it made me fall for him.
He became my only exception.
The one I'm ready to be different.
The thing that made me believe I deserve the love in the brightest shade and in the sweetest form.
He became the one that made me realize... I've got so much love to offer because all my life... I was told that I've got nothing but ill energy towards people.
He made me believe that I deserve to be loved...
He made me realize that I was capable of loving someone beyond whatever I thought I can.
He was my only exception.
Until he was not.
"You're so unfair!" Namamaos niyang salita. Kanina niya pa 'yan binabanggit.
I remained poker. Di ko alam pinagsasabi niya.
"See? You wouldn't even explain yourself. So unfair!" He pondered.
"Ano bang gusto mong sabihin ko?" Seryosong tanong ko.
"That— the reason why you gave me silent treatment. You did not say a thing. Ang daya. Ang unfair."
"Para kang bata."
"Ako pa? Ang immature," bulong niya.
"Hindi ako immature."
He looked at me, displeased. "I didn't say na ikaw 'yung immature!"
"Ganon din 'yon."
Huminga siyang malalim.
"I'm tired understanding you... siguro hindi ako mahihirapang intindihin ka if only you choose to tell me what the hell is happening instead of giving me silent treatment!"
"You wouldn't understand."
I'm sure he won't. I'm such an ass for judging him that he won't understand even though I know he's doing his best to get me.
But... how will he know the feelings of having uncontrollable shitty thoughts in my mind?
That I don't deserve him.
That even if I try so hard to be enough for him... I will never be enough for him.
That... that he deserves better even if I'm doing my best to be better for him.
My mind's fucked up. We will only be toxic together.
But... I like him.
Does liking him makes this situation any better?
"Then make me," namamaos niyang sabi dahil napipikon na siya sa akin.
I hated everything. I hated everyone. I hate my life.
It feels like I was only born to accept everyone's madness towards another. Taga salo ng lahat.
I was burn out... burn out from being emphatic, lover, kind, whatsoever.
Nakakapagod kayong intindihin lahat kasi ni minsan hindi niyo naman ako inintindi.
'Yung mga bagay na lagi kong naiisip na ang unfair sa akin ng mundo.
Kahit ayokong i-victimize sarili ko, nagagawa ko pa rin.
People hated me... they hate me... because I was so hard to be with.
All my life, I've been nothing but misunderstood...
And I wanted to be loved so bad.
But who will love someone like me? I'm so sick of it.
Na even after all these... someone will still find a good in me.
This was me trying and heck! Pakiramdam ko tuwing gumagawa ako ng paraan na umayos ako, may manghihila sa akin pababa that leads to me pushing people away because they deserve better.
I tried.
I was trying.
"Mahirap ba akong mahalin?" I asked, hopeful that he won't say yes even though we both know the answer.
"Hindi naman ako nahirapan," he answered right before I could finish my sentence. I looked at him... the cold breezy wind hugged our skin as the night sky looked wonderful before us.
"You're only saying that to make me feel better—" I joked but he remained serious.
"I had a hard time making you believe that I care for you... that I love you... that— I understand you."
"Deanna, you showed me different forms of love and everything made me want us to work. I like you so bad even though I sometimes think you're unfair. Well... you are. You're always annoyed to people but kind to me," he laughed and I lost myself.
That's because you were my only exception.
My only one.
That with him... I could be the most fragile and he'd still see me strong for being weak. I could be the liar but he'd still see the truth in me. I could be a real bitch but he knows that I am just covering up the pain inside me.
All that... all that because he did everything to know me.
I was so scared of falling in love as much as I love it.
Akala ko... akala ko kasi lahat ng tao sasaktan ako. Lahat sila ibubuild up ako only to break me down into pieces. Na lahat sila lalayuan ako kapag na-attach na ako sa kanila.
I hate that they leave me so I feel the need to leave them first.
But with him? I did not have to worry being taken advantage to.
Because I know he won't— or so I thought?
I didn't have to overthink that he's just using me. That's he's just up to wreck me.
Because Iñigo Miguel was the first one to bring out the feminine in me.
That he won't take advantage of my soft side.
That he's not like the other.
That he won't leave me so I do not have to worry leave him first.
But he did.
I hated the fact that I knew he did not want that to happen but he was stuck as the collateral damage of my bullshit ill fated fortune.
I hated the fact that he escaped in bittersweet form.
And if I could go back in time, I'd still love him the same way.
And I will do it all once again... just for him to be with me again.
I hated him for building me up just the let me fall.