"Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and a trait of a true coward. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However, everyone will at least know what you stood for—YOU."
"Often those that criticise others reveal what he himself lacks." ~ Both by Shannon L. Alder
The Daughter
"Shit Spencer," I moaned as he kissed my sweating forehead and collapsed on top of me. "Fuck we're so screwed." I said breathlessly.
"Well, you are now." He mumbled into my chest and I laughed.
I actually, wholeheartedly laughed.
Spencer Reid had made a joke. And it had been a fucking good one, too. And it was dirty.
"We need to make sure Morgan's okay." I remembered suddenly, cursing myself for having sex with Spencer when three of my agents were injured; one of which was AWOL and most likely with a serial killer as we lay there fucking.
Shit.
"What happened?" Spencer asked as he got to his feet, fastening himself up again before helping me to my own feet, picking my underwear up off the floor with a blushing smirk.
"We made the arrests and as far as I can gather Morgan's car was in a crash. The Unsub got away and I'm pretty sure Jackson followed."
"He followed voluntarily?"
"Probably in pursuit."
"Is he injured?"
"Most likely." I tucked my blouse back inside my skirt and smirked as Spencer tried - and failed - to do-up his tie.
"Some things will never change." He smiled as I waved away his hands and tied it for him.
"It's comforting." I shrugged, turning to the mirror in the far corner of the office and wincing when I noticed the erratic nest that was my hair and the smudge of what had been my makeup.
Once I'd quickly righted myself I turned back to the office to find Spencer gently shivering the glass into the bin as he dusted down the photo-frame of my dad and I.
"Shit. Bang goes my cool-headedness."
"I won't tell if you don't." He smiled calmly, setting my photo back onto the desk where he'd kind-of placed the rest of the once-was trash.
"I stood on your lamp though," He said, pointing to the metal mess. "I think it's too late to save him. Sorry." I laughed and shook my head.
"Don't worry about it. He had crap lighting anyway." I shrugged and Spencer chuckled.
An awkward silence filled the room then and I couldn't help but dip my head a little lower to avoid the question Spencer was waiting to direct at me.
"What uh... What happens now... With us...?"
There it was.
"I honestly don't know," I shook my head. "I guess I feel just as confused as you about everything... about us." He opened his mouth to say something else but not before my office phone began ringing.
I took a gulp of air and answered hurriedly.
"Hotchner." I answered.
"Melanie," It was my dad. "We're at the hospital. Morgan's okay, he has bad whiplash and a sprained arm but he should be okay. Garcia says an unknown source has hacked into the network and has jammed our cells so traditional telephone communication is probably best for now."
"Was it the Unsub?"
"Garcia suggested that he has a partner, it'd have been impossible to jam the networks on the run from Jackson."
"Has he been found yet?" I asked. My eyes followed Spencer as he shrugged back inside his cardigan and finished tidying my office. I had a bitter taste in my mouth and a pounding headache.
Things were a mess.
No, they were a nightmare. A complete and utter disaster.
Why the fuck had I had sex with him?
The Lover
I had no idea what we were doing.
I had no idea where I stood.
I had no idea what Melanie was thinking.
When she got off the phone with her dad she explained Morgan's condition and how Carter was still in surgery, that the crash had affected her worse because she hadn't been wearing her seatbelt and had slammed into the back of Morgan's seat. She also explained how we were all meeting at the hospital bar Peters who was still with Carter's fiancee.
I wanted to scoff.
Fiancee, yeah, I knew a lot about that title.
I felt a wave of bitterness come over me as we silently rode the elevator downstairs, Melanie's heels clicked off the marble as we crossed the foyer to the parking lot.
I wanted to ask her why she'd done it, well, why we'd done it. I wanted to ask her why she was messing with my feelings but I also wanted to shove her up against a wall and either kiss her lips until they chapped or demand to know what she thought she was doing to me.
To us. To this whole goddamn situation.
It was like we weren't moving and yet the whole world continued to spin and my mind was churning ever-so-slowly forwards as though I wasn't really moving at all.
I couldn't piece together what I was doing, or what I was going to do.
Because there was a lot that had to be done.
This case had to be finished.
My 'situation' with Melanie had to be clearly defined.
My 'relationship' with Dylan was still pending, and I had no idea what was going to happen to that either.
My entire life was slowly cracking and peeling and falling apart, and I felt bitter and cold and tired.
I'd planned to have Schizophrenia cured, a wife and two kids by this point in my life.
Not to mention a dog. I wanted a dog too.
I wanted the perfect life my mother told me I could have growing up.
My whole life I'd struggled, despite the fact that 'i'm a genius' and 'everything was so easy for me.'
What people, in general, didn't understand was that 'us geniuses' had it the hardest.
Being smart didn't make you cool. It didn't make you wanted. It didn't mean everybody loved you. It only meant you had to try so much harder than everyone else, all of the time.
And now, now that I had my perfect life clicking ahead in front of me in her light grey skirt suit and fancy pale pink blouse I knew that even if I am a genius, I just couldn't figure out why, no matter how hard I wanted her, no matter how much I wanted our perfect life, it never seemed as though we would have it.
The Daughter
"The press is under control," I explained as Spencer and I approached the waiting room where - most - of my two teams were waiting. "I have Wilson with them now," I added, folding my arms. "How are you holding up?" I asked Morgan who was the only one sitting down.
Penelope was stood next to him like a guard dog; a ringed orange-nail-painted hand on his shoulder as her glassy eyes watched him from behind her matching glasses.
"I've seen better days and I've seen worse." He answered.
"Check you out, Mr Poet," I smirked and he returned it sleepily. "You should head back to the office with Pen, rest it up."
"No chance Mel," He shook his head firmly and I nodded my head. I'd expected as much. "We're catching this son-of-a-bitch and I'll be there to watch him suffer." I nodded my head and sighed.
"Okay, so, what happened?"
"When we crashed I kinda blanked out for a bit... My seat jerked forward and I hit my head," Morgan explained, waving to his forehead where glued-stitches could be seen.
"As soon as I came round I called you. Carter wasn't moving in the back seat and the Unsub was kicking the glass out of his window cause he couldn't get the door opened. Jackson was trying to ram his own door open and when he couldn't, he climbed over me to get out my door which was hanging off its hinges,"
I realised that this was when our call had cut off.
"I tried to get out the car but," He hissed and shook his head. "I couldn't move and he'd already gone. He'd gotten out the back window and Jackson had taken off down the street after him."
"Have there been any reports of any further shootings. Any calls? Anything?" I asked everybody.
"Literally Mel there's been nothing." JJ explained sadly.
"Okay," I took a deep breath, running my hand across my jaw. "We've established through the cell networks that he has a partner," I said, nodding toward Penelope who was nodding vigorously at my words.
"Which means the very same partner could very well have caused the crash to help him escape and then took off after Jackson when he'd followed our Unsub."
"But why not just get into the car that rammed them off the road?" Black asked and I nodded my head at him.
"That's a good point."
"That other car was just as mashed as ours," Morgan said as he shook his head. "The windshield was messed up and the passenger side was bashed and dented where it had hit my side."
"Shit." I hissed under my breath.
"So we have one agent in surgery, another as a possible hostage and two racist Unsubs." I gulped at Prentiss' words.
"I hate to be the one who points this out but, Jackson's ethnicity isn't going to help him any." Dave said softly.
"Okay, we need to find him. Penny have you tried GPS on his cell?" She nodded her head.
"There was nothing Mel, the network has jammed the GPS' as well."
"Okay, Dave, dad and I will go back to the scene with Morgan and JJ. JJ I need you to go back through what happened with Morgan while we try to retrace the scene.
"Prentiss Black and Michaels I need you to go to the station with Reid and the Detectives. I need you to get every available cop and break them into teams, lead your teams individually and I don't care if you have to walk every inch of this city with them on foot, you canvas this city and you find out what buildings would be the best place to hold a hostage without anyone knowing.
"Garcia, you go back to the office and work on that too. You need to work on getting the network back up too, if not, we need to find another network. If all else fails people, old fashioned telephones or tablets via email okay?" I nodded at everyone as we all broke out into our groups.
I caught Wilson on the way back out of the hospital and informed her to stay at the hospital and keep Peters updated about Carter via the telephones there too. I was growing extremely pissed as well as tense and anxious.
I cursed the Director for the umpteenth time that day.
*
When we hit the streets it was near enough sun-set and the alley we'd traced Jackson to was dark and cold and stale.
Graffitied bins and broken bottles dusted the cobblestones and my feet throbbed as I carefully took each measured step forward, my back arched low and my gun raised out in front of me; prepared to shoot as my torch shone into the darker crevices along the alleyway.
As we neared the end there was a doorway with the windowpane smashed out.
Signalling to the team behind me and my dad and Black next to me I edged closer to the door and shone the torch along the hallway of the building it led into.
Quietly opening the door I led the way inside, SWAT overtaking and pacing along the corridor to the stairs at the very end.
We broke into groups and swept each floor; everyone coming up empty until my group of five; three SWAT and Black reached the final floor containing nothing but abandoned construction areas of broken-down walls and propped scaffolding.
It made me wonder how the Hell stuff like this was left to rot in abandoned buildings.
What about Squatters? What if someone hurt themselves with all of this just laying around?
Suddenly something jolted to my left and a white man in blue overalls leapt to tackle me to the floor. He succeeded but not before I'd put a bullet between his shoulders.
This, of course, had been a diversion and as I pushed the bleeding dead man off my body and was yanked to my feet by Black I realised that SWAT had gunned down two other men in blue overalls.
But these were all mere distractions and I grew more and more confused as Black and I edged forward through the sheets of plastic to the deeper and darker part of the room.
"Come any closer and I'll gut him like a fish." A clear voice called out.
I twirled to my right and found a man in plain jeans and a jumper holding a badly beaten and bleeding Jackson to his chest as he knelt before him weakly in the most demeaning and surrendering position.
Jackson's hands were tied behind his back; his left eye swollen completely shut with blood pouring down his chin from where his mouth was utterly busted.
"Put the knife down." I said clearly.
"Or what? You'll shoot. C'mon now ma'am we know you can't shoot me."
"Can't? I've shot plenty of people before you." I said calmly without so much as wavering from the stare I held on him.
"You can't shoot me. Your position of authority is nowhere near high enough." I scoffed at his words.
"I'm Supervisory Special Agent Melanie Hotchner, Unit Chief and Section Chief of the New York branch of the FBI's Behavioural Analysis Unit. You wanna tell me my position of authority isn't high enough now?" His firm hold on his knife wavered slightly as his elbow tilted with my news, his hand beginning to shake ever-so-slightly.
"I'd show you my credentials but now isn't the time for show-and-tell," I said carefully. "Now, Mr Darling, why don't you put that knife down so that we can talk about why you're so desperate to kill my second-in-command."
Bobby scoffed so loud and laughed, tilting his head back to do so. It was this movement that gave us our way in.
But I didn't shoot. I didn't have to.
Someone behind me had already seen their shot, and took it, shooting Bobby Darling right in his arm, making him drop the knife he'd been holding to Jackson's throat.
In an instant SWAT closed in, taking the knife and yanking Darling to his feet while I holstered my gun and rushed forward to Jackson, cutting the ties off his hands as Black called for a Medic.
"Well done," I said to Morgan as he edged closer, holstering his gun and drawing Darling his wicked stare. "Nice shot." I smiled, patting Morgan on the back.
"Bastard deserved one in the balls but I figured we need him to talk." Morgan shrugged and I smirked.
"You okay?" I asked Jackson, crouching down next to him.
"Funnily enough I've seen better days. But I've seen worse too." I smiled up at Morgan who chuckled.
"Yeah, some douche I know already said that to me today." I joked and Morgan playfully biffed me over the back of the head.
"You ain't my boss you know Melanie." He said and we laughed as footsteps approached.
"No, but I am and you just hit my daughter." My dad said from behind me as I got to my feet to allow the medics to get to Jackson.
"It's okay I called him a douche." I explained and JJ and Prentiss sniggered.
"Oh well, it was most definitely uncalled for." Dave said sarcastically and Morgan shook his head with a smirk.
"This calls for a well-deserved drink. First round's on me guys, thanks." I said and everyone dispersed.
I couldn't help but feel sick to my stomach though.
Drinks meant seeing Spencer again, and I was terrified of coming into contact with him again. We had to talk, that much was clear. But whether either of us would like what the other had to say, now that was the issue that had my stomach churning.
The Lover
We gathered for drinks in the hotel bar where most of us were staying.
"Thanks again, to the best teams I could ever work with." Melanie toasted and we all grinned and cheered each other.
Her team were pretty excellent, and I realised that day how well Melanie had trained them. All that stressing and hard work had paid off. She was a fantastic boss. And she was a fantastic person.
But all of that had to end somewhere. Somehow. Sometime.
Her team headed home after the first round, and pretty soon after our team began to tail off to bed. Hotch was at the restroom and Garcia was fussing over Morgan's wound when Melanie turned to me on her other side.
"Spencer, about earlier today..." She began softly.
"You don't have to worry," I said before she could pluck up the courage to. "This is a hell of a time," I sighed, rubbing my jaw. "We can't work anymore,"
I explained truthfully, looking deep into those blue eyes and seeing everything my life should be.
"What happened today, shouldn't have," I said matter-of-factly. "I'm glad that it did, but it won't happen again."
"I'm sorry Spencer. I've messed up everything. I uh... I won't say anything," She said quietly; Morgan wincing at Garcia's touch as she laughed and gasped and kissed his cheek.
"I understand that this isn't something you'd want Dylan to know about," She said it lightly but she gave a half-smile and rolled her eyes, knowing that the words were a hell-of-a-lot-heavier than the way she said them.
"I'm just really sorry."
"So am I." I nodded. We held each other's eyes for a moment longer before Hotch approached.
"Penelope what're you doing?" He asked and Melanie turned to see what was going on on her other side.
"That's one question I always refrain from asking," I piped up a little louder. "And one answer I do not want to know," I added, setting my still-full whiskey glass back on the bar.
"It's been good working with you again Melanie, I'm pleased we were able to help you today. Maybe we'll get to help you again soon. I'll see the rest of you on the jet tomorrow morning." Everyone wished me goodnight and with one final smile, I turned my back on her and left.
Flashback #2
Spencer
I feel like I've done something to upset her.
Like this strange and oddly vulnerable mood she's in is because of something I've done.
I effortlessly match her pace as she marches down the hallway of the hotel to our room.
"I don't need your help, Spencer." She snaps, her face is contorted in sadness and worry and I'm confused.
We're working a case on mutilated men. Is she connected to them in some way that's making her sad and angry?
My frown deepens and she pushes inside our hotel room.
"It's my gran's anniversary..." She admits in a small voice as the door closes behind me. "And I guess I'm just really struggling with it all this year."
Well, this is the last thing I expected to be wrong.
"Why didn't you say something?" I ask in concern, rushing to stand in front of her, searching her face worriedly as she folds her arms defiantly and avoids my eyes, turning to look out of the window as she mumbles,
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does, Melly," I tell her because it's true. Her feelings, her worry, her upset, her grandmother's anniversary; it all matters and it always will. "Of course it matters,"
I have no idea where the words are coming from, but my heart is pounding and my palms are shaking with the weight of the conversation.
"Your grandmother raised you, Mel, she was like a mom to you. And she left you when you still needed her," I reach up and pull her arms from her chest, wanting nothing more than to wrap her in my arms and hold her to me so tightly. But in the same breath I don't want to scare her off. Would that move scare her off?I wet my lips, realising I have more to say.
"She left you alone with your grandfather who tried but just couldn't be her," What other way is there to say your grandfather didn't give a damn about you because his wife was dead and he had no idea how to take care of you? I search her emotional face and I know I have to get these words right. I have to make her feel better, somehow. My Melanie cannot be more broken in this moment and I know I have to fix her.
"And she's not around anymore to see how happy you are with your real dad. But that's okay," My volume drops as her tears roll down her rosy cheeks, her eyes looking up at me so filled with hope. Even though I don't personally believe in my next words, I say them anyway. Because that's the thing you do for someone you love who is hurting.
"Because she's watching you from wherever she is, and she's so proud of you Mel, she's so proud to see her little girl all grown up and beautiful. She's always here Mel," I gently reach down and tap her chest, feeling her body heat beneath my hand. "And she'll always be here."Our eyes hold each other for what feels like an eternity and I know that I love her more than anything else in that moment.
I kiss her not only because I want to, but because I want her to know that I love her, and that I want to make her feel better.
I can feel her unbuttoning my shirt and removing my cardigan and unbuttoning her own and I try to control my thoughts and just focus on kissing her but it's so damn hard.
And it's so damn hard because I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out and panicking because she is beautiful. She is so perfect and I am... me.
I'm me and I can't be the perfect man she deserves; who is strong and muscular and tattooed like her; who can hold her tight in his arms and keep her safe from every kind of harm; who can make love to her like she deserves; who can kiss her like every real man should.
I'm a Doctor. A grown child prodigy.
I can barely kiss her lips without blushing. I can't love her like a real man should, like she deserves to be loved because I don't know how to.I've never been loved that way before, I've never had to love that way before. I don't know how to do it.
"What's up love?" She asks me, trying to make a joke but only making me feel worse.I shouldn't be pausing for thought, I shouldn't be worrying about this because I'm a man... I'm just not the right one for her. I'm not the one she deserves.
I pull back from her lips and hide my face beside her own, my cheeks burning as I try to find the words to tell her I'm not right for her, that I'm sorry but I can't do this for fear of disappointment or embarrassment. We've been together for eight months now and I know this should've happened a hell of a long time before now.
"I... I'm not..." What the Hell am I trying to say? What am I even doing?
It feels like my entire body is shaking with the urge to run away but her hand finds mine and she laces our fingers together.
"It's okay." She tells me, holding my eyes after moving my head to see my expression.
I don't believe her words, I don't believe anything about this situation because I feel as though I'm the cheater in a game.
How the Hell does a guy like me manage to worm himself into a situation such as this one with a woman like Melanie?
She has arms stronger than all of the strength in my entire body; she has legs up to her neck and a tangle of long wispy hair; she has tattoos that snake her body so mesmerisingly menacing that I can't even bare to think of why she's with me; she has a personality that could shatter the imagination of every novelist and a wit more... well, just more than me.
As I'm looking over this enchanting woman laid beneath me; my entire body is shaking with nerves and my breath is hitching in my throat; but she thinks I'm savouring the moment, she thinks i'm admiring her instead of thinking of an escape route.
And then I see it.
I see the sparkle in her stomach and I flip out.
Why can't I be one of those men who sleep with beautiful women to boost their ego? If they feel low and deflated they literally just fuck someone and instantly feel rejuvenated.
I should be tracing her muscularly shaped smoothly toned body with my large hands and tracing her black tattoos with my finger tips and flicking that belly-button piercing with the tip of my tongue.
I should be easing into her so she mumbles my name and teasing her by taking my time, driving her insane before I drive us both harder and turn that mumble into a scream.She deserves it so why am I not giving it to her?
I'm not doing it because that's not the type of person I am, but who says I can't be like that now?
The Chinese believe we have different faces, different masks we show different people.Well, maybe the face or the mask or the person I am with Melanie, is the person she deserves me to be; the person I've wanted to be for a very long time but never had the courage or the confidence to be.
I'm tired of being at the back of the shelf, waiting for my Princess who never sees me for the strong men.
Well this time my Princess sees me. And this time I'm not cowering away. I'm being the Prince she deserves because this time, I know I can be it.