A kiss is lethal. It's a gateway drug to falling in love. Avoid at all costs.
The cure to abrupt and overwhelming headiness, Lisa discovered, was to have the same dose of deliriousness to give you clarity. Like dousing a Bloody Mary on your parched throat, a little of the hair of the dog that bit you.
Lisa will not fully remember how they got from the dance floor to the toilets. She would chalk it up to muscle memory; rushed intoxicated steps amidst a daze. She WILL remember her back slamming on the wall as the cubicle door closed haphazardly; the rustle of her shirt as they bunched up on Jennie's fingers; the way she ground up on her pants taunting, vodka breath against her whiskey-laden mouth.
"What exactly are you packing there, Manoban?"
Oh, how she will remember this vividly.
The blown irises didn't attempt to conceal the brunette's hunger. Her hands more so, one bunching Lisa's shirt tighter and pulling her closer, the other tracing her shirt with impatient fingers, running a path of treacherous heat slowly towards her abdomen, before cupping the hardness between her legs. Their breath stilted despite the obvious.
Suddenly Lisa understood how it felt to have a hardened dick straining her pants because arousal has never been this...agonizingly throbbing that every extension of her felt ablaze. She was an absolute firecracker taunted at the fuse.
"Something that's ready to ruin your life," Lisa hissed through gritted teeth, and Jennie shoved the blonde towards the wall again, taunting her harder.
"Oh, don't threaten me with a good time, Manoban."
Lisa gripped the woman's ass towards her. "Why don't you shut the fuck up, Ms Kim?"
Jennie bit Lisa's mouth in retaliation and pulled back only when the blood on her lip left her satisfied. Lisa had to stifle her surprised cry by grinding her jaw and only letting out a bitter hiss.
"Make me."
Lisa decided this was the fire that lit the fuse. Her body pushed against the girl hard on the wall across them, the dividers vibrating against their frames and carelessly disregarding the eavesdropping public. The blonde bit her exposed neck, the smell of the leather jacket and Chanel perfume caressing her nose as she tasted the night's sweat. As if she couldn't get headier her senses proved her wrong, flushed by an overwhelming feeling of greed and arousal and ache.
Ache. She finally found the word for the feeling hounding her the whole night like a tenacious shadow that kept looming. It was an ache that demanded to be filled, an ache in her chest that demanded to scream, and now, an ache in her belly that demanded to be acknowledged. If she had her head on straight she would have realised that this was very telling of what the future's bound for her, but right now, her whole body was thrumming for the solution it craved for.
The bite deepened as her hands slid up her thighs and found Jennie's underwear. A flimsy wet piece of lace , Lisa thought, and flimsy wet pieces of lace they became as she easily ripped them off. They were nothing against Jennie's wetness that was now nearly dripping on her thighs. She gripped the woman's waist and humped the wetness against the straining hard rubber inside her pants.
"You're all talk and no thrust," Jennie breathlessly taunted.
As if it wasn't enough, Jennie urgently pulled open Lisa's pants. The woman's breath stilted again as she discovered Lisa clad only with a leather strap and a large black dildo.
Actually, make that extra large.
Jennie bit her lip, and Lisa felt the sting on her own cracked lip as it pulsed in response.
She heard her gulp thickly. Saw in her eyes a slight shock, a pause.
Lisa smirked, getting the reaction she wanted. There were not enough words to describe how much she had wanted to requite with unthinkable compulsion as the last thing she wanted was for Jennie to shut up-quite far from it, actually. She wanted force, she wanted sting, she wanted loud. She wanted it to linger, she wanted it to be undeniable.
She didn't allow Jennie the time to think-her mouth clamped on the woman's chest, torn lips catching the straining nipples from her black Chanel strap dress. She resisted ruining the threads as her teeth trembled in its barely contained frustration, and her hands similarly hazy, careless in how they explored the woman's body. They wrapped around her, fingers trying to find purchase everywhere but couldn't seem to get enough. All Lisa knew was that she didn't want them to simmer; she'd rather they both chase on each other's fever, high on headiness.
She wanted, she wanted, she wanted. Every bit more of skin, every bit more of scent.
Every bit more of Jennie.
She wanted Jennie.
She let herself acknowledge that as the brunette pressed her body close to meet the gaps between them, molding and fusing. They twisted, the other filled where the other pressed, the frenzy in them palpable in the scorch of their skins. Her mouth was now all over Jennie's nape as they found more open skin, licking more salt as her busy hands raised the woman's dress and exposed more of her hips. Her palms embedded themselves immediately, finding more skin to touch as they rambled, reminding herself in each press how they felt achingly familiar. Of how she missed just feeling Jennie's bare skin and how she prayed that her touch had left marks that begged to be craved the same way.
The dildo slid easily on Jennie's backside. They teased on her skin, her wetness and sweat coating it as it glided up and down, and finally, between her legs as Lisa ground it deeper to hit her clit. Jennie pushed herself closer to drive her stiffness further in.
I need you in me, and Lisa didn't need to respond as she acquiesced. Jennie hissed as Lisa dropped her head against her shoulder and thrust deep inside her. The blonde's arms wrapped hard inside her dress to lock her in place as her body shuddered to Lisa's thickness, the whimpers making way to gasps and moans as Lisa slid slowly to allow her to adjust.
"Come on," Jennie managed to taunt in between her gasps. "You said you'd ruin me."
It felt like her words fell on deaf ears as Lisa seemed to move on her own, dictated by a different calling. She was frenzied now, her skin ablaze. She could tear them out and still be bereft of relief, driving her insane. Her hips thrust hard, the 8 inches of the dildo hitting deep inside Jennie. The brunette whimpered, stifling any noise by gritting her jaws.
Lisa pressed on Jennie's abdomen, feeling the dildo push and pull inside her. She grabbed Jennie's neck as she pulled the woman closer.
"No," Lisa hissed as the brunette whimpered at her abrupt clutch, long fingers choking her more as she pulled Jennie's head towards her shoulder. "Moan out loud. I want them all to know who's fucking you good."
Jennie gasped again, reminded of their little text foreplay. Lisa drilled into her hard.
"So-"
Jennie stifled a scream, still not giving in. Lisa pulled her body upwards, seeking more flesh, more depth, more sensation.
"Fucking-"
The grit of her teeth betrayed her, and Jennie's hands tried to grab onto anything for support. When that wasn't enough, she grabbed Lisa's hand and choked herself further, asking to be tethered by pain and demand.
"Oh fuck, Lisa, you're so deep-"
Jennie was getting wetter and wetter, her moans loud and uncontrollable.
"Hard."
The tension between them ebbed and flowed, tipped by every thrust and claim that diminished any remaining hesitation. Lisa couldn't help but feel manic with desire, craving to leave her mark everywhere-with every tightened finger on Jennie's neck; with every clumsy deep thrust; with every exposed skin that burned as they slid against each other.
"That's it, sweetheart. Taking it good for me."
The brunette's eyes were hazy, gasps stilted from the choke of Lisa's fingers. Her head rested on her shoulder as her eyes hungrily took in the blonde going feral for her. The dildo pushed deeper and her lids fluttered as she cried, now tightly shut from being taken over by the sensation.
Lisa was no longer just consumed by lust. She wanted J to feel everything that was her, every thrust that felt more giving than taking, to feel her pulse scream her name. She was desperate to drive her insane and make her remember how deep she could reach. Ruining her to only want Lisa.
"Look at me." The blonde commanded.
Jennie forced her eyes open, head still anchored unto Lisa's neck. The blonde could smell the gin on her breath and her body tightened.
"Open your mouth, babydoll. Open and take me."
Jennie didn't fully understand, but she obediently submitted. Her mouth was parched for more, craving anything Lisa could give her. The blonde gazed longingly at Jennie's mouth before tightening the choke on her creamy neck.
Jennie gasped. She reached new heights and quivered under Lisa's control.
The blonde filthily licked around Jennie's mouth. When she was so sure the woman was anticipating more, Lisa couldn't contain herself any longer as she relentlessly thrust deeper before she spit onto Jennie's waiting mouth.
Jennie cried out from the mixture of surprise, pleasure, and pain, but Lisa didn't let her unravel yet. She held on tighter and continued to thrust until Jennie released a loud cry, overwhelmed by a powerful orgasm.
-
A random stranger's voice interrupted Lisa's consciousness, followed immediately by a knock on the door.
"Hey babes, hate to interrupt whatever amazing sex you're having, but the line for the women's toilets is getting long and we really need to use these cubicles. So if you could wrap it up, yeah?"
Lisa gasped and then chuckled. Her grip loosened slightly as Jennie still perched on her shoulders gasping for air between her teeth. After a few seconds, Jennie began to chuckle too.
"Fuck," She breathed, struggling to stay conscious. "They can fucking wait."
Lisa laughed again and tightened her hold on Jennie; she felt the girl shiver as the dildo slid out of her.
"Let's go, sweetheart. Let's get out of this place."
Jennie managed to nod, her eyes hazy yet matching the delirium in Lisa's gaze.
-
Weaving through the haze of the club's crowd didn't leave a damp on Lisa, but her enclosed hand on Jennie's as they went through the embarrassing walk of shame to the exits made Lisa feel strangely empowered. Here she was, walking out with a girl she finally wanted to be seen with, having had mind-blowing sex inside the cubicles of the barely used men's toilets of a lesbian gay bar.
They ran outside, giggling as they were met by a downpour that left the whole of Seoul drenched. The streets smelled of petrichor, a poetic call to maybe getting soaked wet and fertilised.
Or something equally stupid that made an immature grin spread across the blonde's face.
"Oh, shit," Jennie gasped louder than intended. Lisa dragged them towards a closed dimsum place at the corner, which provided better shelter just a few spaces down the bar. She didn't release Jennie's hand until they reached the meagre cover.
"Are you okay?" Lisa quickly checked her over, unable to stop herself when she smoothed Jennie's damp hair away from her face.
The brunette softened, a gummy smile spreading across her face. "Yeah, thanks." She bit her lip. "We're probably banned there now, huh?"
"Try everything once, I guess."
Jennie's eyes widened. "Are you serious?"
"Nah, I'm sure they've seen worse," The blonde chuckled. "Besides, we gave them a good show, I think."
A hand lightly hit Lisa across her stomach, feigning being hurt as they shared a relieved laugh.
They stood there, taking in the situation. Lisa moved closer to get more heat huddled in.
There was so much left unsaid between them. The excitement had faded but the throbbing desire remained, and Lisa could tangibly feel the want in her chest. They constrict, like a heavy pinch in the chest.
Like missing something significant.
Lisa's hand unclenched, not realizing it had been tightly shut from managing the pain in her chest. She was unsure how to move forward. All she knew was that she wanted more, as always.
"Bad time to not bring a car tonight, I guess."
There was less of a rush around them now, with Jennie's comment seeming like just a dangled excuse to continue the conversation.
"I didn't either," Lisa replied. The rain didn't seem like it's going to stop anytime soon. "Where do you want to go?"
Jennie's cat eyes pointedly latched onto hers from gazing at the dancing lights of the streets. Her stare was feverish, a stark contrast to the softness of her face.
"I don't care," She quietly responded. Lisa's breathing matched the rise and fall of Jennie's chest. She knowingly nodded after a few moments.
Lisa brought out her phone to book a cab, but as they were in the bar district, there was an influx of booking and the latest available one estimated about 30 minutes. She took it anyway.
"Cab will be here in more or less half an hour. Sorry."
"It's fine. I imagine the whole city is trying to panic book at this point."
They watched a few kids run across the street from one of the clubs, braving the rain. They aimlessly scrambled under one roof or another, finding a better shelter and trying to flag passing cabs.
"Yeah, it's already a nightmare around here when it's not raining," Lisa noted the full cabs in the area. "Rosé had pre-booked a cab for us tonight but that was really just a safety net."
"Oh. Rosé's here?" Jennie frowned. "Wouldn't she be looking for you?"
"Nah, she's with another friend. We're used to getting separated in bars. We just update each other after." Lisa shrugged, but sent an sms to Rosé for good measure: I'm off for the night, enjoy. "They pushed me to go out tonight. I could have been just at home and sleeping the weekend off."
"Instead, you're stuck here in the rain," Jennie lightly elbowed her. "Should have listened to your gut."
"And I did," Lisa sucked her cheek trying to keep a straight face. "I wouldn't trade tonight for anything."
Despite the dimness of the night, she could see from the corner of her eye the blush that furiously coloured Jennie's plump cheeks. The girl rolled her eyes when she thought the blonde wasn't looking.
"Well, I didn't expect getting dicked and spit on in the bar tonight either, so I guess that makes the two of us."
Lisa simmered on the warmth that wouldn't stop forcing a silly grin on her own face.
They silently hovered towards each other as the rain fell around them. The usual line outside the bar had dispersed by now, leaving only a few trying to get inside persistently and some who were waiting for their own cabs and ubers. There was something calming about the whole thing-of life slowly giving them the privacy of quiet, and of waiting for the rain to start dictating what they could do.
The pitter-patter created a soft hum around them. The roof in falsettos, the treble notes of the road, the bass of the puddles.
Lisa's hands itch wanting to run through Jennie's again. Just something to tether them. She clenched them again as she observed around.
"You know what I would have liked to do right now?"
The wet smell of leather jacket wafted and surrounded them.
"What?" Jennie felt as lost as Lisa sounded.
"That." She motioned towards the laughter across from them. One of the guys kicked water from a puddle and earned shrieks from the girls. "To feel the rain on my skin again. Dance under the rain."
Jennie hummed. The rain still hasn't stopped. "Why don't you?"
"I don't know." She stretched her fingers, unclenching. "It doesn't feel like a very mature adult thing to do."
Jennie scoffed. "We've done a lot of things that don't seem like a very mature adult thing to do, if we're being honest. You draw the line at dancing the in the rain?"
Lisa laughed. "I mean, you're not wrong." She studied the sidewalk thoughtfully as it started pooling more water. "I don't know. It feels like people will frown at me."
"Do you really care that much about what other people think to stop you from getting a bit of happiness?"
"I mean, the cab driver will most definitely not be happy." She pointed at the group across them. "Their cab driver will definitely not be happy."
"The whole city is wet. It will be annoying for the driver, yes, but you can always pay extra for the troubles." Jennie shook her head. "You're running out of excuses, Manoban."
Lisa grinned, but slowly eased when she found a startling earnestness in Jennie's eyes. What she has thought to be light humour suddenly felt like an insight to her soul. She could feel it, the defensiveness starting to rise up, brick by brick.
Jennie didn't try to crack it, however. She remained gentle; the next words sounded caring, more encouraging.
"What do you want, Lisa?"
The deepness in her eyes seemed to beg for honesty that Lisa couldn't refuse. "I don't know. I..." Lisa blanked a bit. "I don't want them to think i'm a child."
"I didn't ask you for what you don't want," Jennie gently prodded. "I asked what you want."
A lot, Lisa answered in her head. It didn't feel like the question was about the rain anymore.
What did she want? She assessed herself: she wanted more of these-the excitement, the fervor, the yearning, the wanting. But also the consistency-of simple daily things that added up to a reserved contentment.
What is it called, really?
Is this happiness?
She has deprived herself of this feeling for so long she doesn't even really know where to begin accepting it for herself.
She found her reflection in Jennie's eyes.
To be the person I am when Jennie's around.
Lisa swallowed. Was it a mask then?
No , Lisa decided. It's not a mask. It's...me. The me I haven't seen and refused to be in for a long time.
She took a deep breath.
"I want to feel free."
Jennie smiled genuinely.
"Then go," The brunette lightly nodded towards the nearly empty wet sidewalk. "I'm just here when you need me."
Lisa searched for more answers from the woman's face. When she only found honesty, she stalled, unsure of how to take it in. But the girl didn't prod, she just waited.
Jennie always let her find her own strength in moments like these, Lisa realized. During her lowest in her bathtub, or with her unsaid boundaries, or even with Lisa's safe spaces. She rarely imposed, always letting Lisa decide for herself. Tonight, she did the same, and Lisa was quietly thankful.
So, she resolved to find her own strength.
Lisa took one small step forward, then another, until she was fully immersed in the rain. Arms outstretched towards the sky, she let the raindrops cover her face, welcoming the cold on her skin.
A laugh escaped, feeling her childhood awash her. Eyes shut, with small tears betraying on the side.
Maybe healing sometimes began this way, through a rainpour that got stronger.
"How does it feel?" Jennie shouted through the shower.
She absorbed more as the drops wrapped around her making her shiver a little. The last traces of alcohol washed off and gave her more clarity than before.
"It's a start," Lisa shouted back, arms still outstretched and eyes closed.
"Was that what you wanted?"
Lisa hummed, then opened her eyes, feeling content and warm. She twisted towards Jennie and was met by her gummy smile.
Lisa melted. She couldn't express how glad she was that the girl was there, but she can't possibly keep this feeling to herself. She grinned mischievously and ran towards Jennie.
"It's a start."
She then pulled the girl towards her, a yelp piercing the quiet of the sidewalk as she spun her around, laughing as they got drenched in the rain. Lisa wrapped her arms around Jennie and swayed into a soft hum.
They dissolved in each other, oblivious to the world. The falsetto, the tenor, the bass of the rain - coming together into a beautiful melody, and they danced gently, finding purchase in each other's heat.
They danced softly under the rain. Jennie's cheeks on Lisa's chest; Lisa's cheeks on Jennie's head.
A soft hum vibrated from Lisa; a tune that complimented the rain.
"Is this what you wanted?" Jennie whispered after what seemed like forever.
Lisa didn't want to respond, worried about breaking the spell. She continued to sway them, leading the pace, her clutch on the girl getting tighter as she allowed herself to delve. She let herself be heady, too absorbed in everything: of being lost in the smell of rain, of leather jackets, of fluttering feelings.
Of being wrapped around someone who made her happy.
Happy.
As if Jennie sensed her hesitation, the girl paused and looked up, eyes asking.
Is this what you wanted?
She swallowed. She couldn't form coherent thoughts, overwhelmed by feelings choking her and crushing her heart instantaneously. She didn't know what these feelings mean, and she's so, so worried about why she's starting to like them when she's not supposed to.
So instead, she nodded. She rested her forehead against Jennie's, nose tracing the brunette's as they slow danced under the rain. Small steps. Barely moving. Just swaying and humming under the rain.
Jennie's nose nudged hers and their hooded eyes locked, appealing if not begging to make this moment last a little longer. Her eyes flitted towards Lisa's lips before they returned, beckoning.
Lisa brushed her thumb on the girl's lower lip. She wanted this so much. She wanted her so much.
She's still so scared about what this could mean moving forward, but her heart was just aching to finally try.
She slowly inched closer, then hesitated. The voices in her head screaming that this could be a big mistake.
But Jennie met the gap, almost closing the distance. This gave Lisa the small push, the courage to claim. She closed her eyes as she tilted Jennie's chin, and finally, she felt the girl's soft lips on her own.
She sighed into them, a slow tentative brush of her lips as if worried she'd wake up from this dream if she pressed any further. They lingered there, deciding, gauging. Understanding what this meant.
Jennie slowly licked Lisa's lips to urge her in, the tear on her lip stinging and taunting her like a switch. A moan vibrated in her throat as Lisa deepened the kiss. From tentative they slid into a frenzy–needy, claiming, demanding to be felt. She pressed harder and their bodies melted against each other; greedily taking in as much of Jennie as she could.
A whimper between them gets lost in the night like a prayer, and their kisses turn into a near worship, whispering of finally, and want and need, and as if Seoul could hear, the rain slowed mercifully. They merged further, skins finding what they can through their wet clothes, fingers slid inside jackets and shirts to find more heat on their skin as a tether.
The warmth of Jennie's breath suffused the gaps of her lips, and Lisa drank in more and more and still it was not enough. Never quite enough. There was pain driven in her chest, aching for a feeling of loss – realizing she had deprived herself of this for too long. She lamented all the time she had gone without as she sucked on Jennie's lips for more of her, for anything of her, to parch the hunger in her chest.
She lost herself in her and right now, even for just a fraction of this time, she was happy.
And it took her this long to realise that maybe, she could finally allow herself to have a bit of happiness.
////
Thank you to:
The XX 2009 album, Normal People's Official Playlist, Saltburn Soundtrack;
Niki's Urs, Dominic Fike's Babygirl, Jennie's One of the Girls on repeat;
Also KPopPillowTalk's readings to remind me again of the shit I wrote because tbh I already forgot stuff I've put down. If you have the time, again, I encourage you to listen to them as they've already read about 10+ chapters of TGND and it's awesome.
Tell me again why this is a smut book but it's full of *feels*
Kinda hard to be writing horny stuff and then suddenly be emotional the next, this is insane. And you guys wonder why it takes me time to update