Sue and Becky were watching the cheerleaders...
The song came to an end, and Sue reached for a megaphone.
"I'm bored. Ladies, I am at a loss. Brittany, please remind me... of how I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map." Said Sue.
"In 1979, you directed a made-for-TV movie... about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders... called The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders." Brittany said.
"That's correct, and in the meantime, what's changed?" Sue asked.
"Maybe personal grooming habits." Quinn says.
"What's changed is that I have completely lost interest, and ladies, I blame you. Becky, more silicone falsies." Sue said.
"Got it, Coach." Becky tells her.
"You will each enhance your bust with an additional pair of chicken cutlets, in an attempt to add some jiggle to what is the most boring routine I have ever witnessed." Sue tells them.
"Coach Sylvester, this is the most elaborate routine the Cheerios have ever done. We're shoo-ins at regionals, and we're the favourites to win at nationals." Ashleigh said.
"I am still bored. Even things I used to think were hilarious... Slag, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet." Sue says.
Ashleigh slapped herself with it.
"Slap Brittany." Said Sue.
Ashleigh hits the chicken in Brittany's face.
"Not even a chuckle." Sue tells them.
Later, Coach Beiste was standing by the field with Artie as the game was about to begin...
Finn was standing with his football teammates.
"I just want to take a moment to tell you guys how proud of you I am. We don't even have to win this game to go to the championships next week, but nobody took it off. When we take a knee, we're gonna finish first in conference... for the first time in McKinley history." Finn tells them.
"Football's back, bitches!"
"Maybe we all should break into a song after we win." Said Dave.
"Hey, hey. Shut it, Karofsky." Finn says.
"No fricking way. I figured if I stay on you, you'll run away like your little butt buddy Hummel; at least Ashleigh had the guts to stay! I mean, I did try killing her." Dave said.
Sam breathed heavily, glaring at Dave, and moved forward, and Finn grabbed his wrist.
"What are you doing? Get off me! He's admitting it!" Sam shouted, shoving Finn off him.
"We already knew, Sam! All we can do is stop him from doing it again." Finn tells him.
Finn stood there, staring at Dave.
"But then again, it's funny; you seem to always go on and on and on about calling people gay... you're the one who's never had a girlfriend!"
The crowd began booing because they lost, and Beiste flipped the table over angrily.
In the locker room...
"What a joke! What happened?! Finn, you're the captain. Talk!"
"Karofsky sucks! That's what happened!" Finn shouted.
"He couldn't take a joke about his precious Glee Club!" Dave shouted.
"Because I'm sick and tired of you guys getting down on us for it! We're in Glee Club. Who the hell cares! What's the big deal?!" Finn asked, shouting loudly.
"It's embarrassing."
"Maybe you'll think it's cooler when I go Tik Tok on both of your faces!" Puck shouted, standing up.
"Bring it, Puckerman." Dave says, standing up and looking at him.
"And you... don't even get me started on you! Leave Ashleigh's name out of your goddamn mouth! Do you hear me?!" Puck asked, shouting at him and pushing Dave against the lockers.
"Champion game or not, I am not blocking for him." Dave said, pointing at Finn.
"Get the hell out of here!"
"Fine!" Dave shouted. "I'm coming! Watch!"
"Well done, Puck! You've just got another target on her back!" Sam shouted, shoving him and walking away.
Back with Sue, she was writing in her diary...
Sue's Voice-Over: "Dear diary, I am in crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going. Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe. Here I am, 31, and already a legend. What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a lost. How do I make things interesting again?"
Later, Sue walked across the field with Becky...
"This here is the A950."
"You saying this could shoot someone across the football field?"
"Several football fields... if you pack in enough explosives. That would be unsafe. You're looking at a 70% chance of catastrophic failure."
"Which is a 30% chance of catastrophic success. This is the button, right?" Sue asked, reaching over to press it.
"No, no, no! No!"
But it was too late. Sue had pressed the button, and the guy inside went flying from it.
Sue removed the sunglasses, and the man screamed, landing in the net.
"I try to make it a habit of not touching carny folk, but, fella, I'll take it." Said Sue. "You got a smaller one?"
With Artie and the football team...
"I was going through my bucket list, and I noticed... you were the only Glee loser I hadn't Slusheed yet."
"Damn near broke his heart." Said Dave.
"What about the moral implications of abusing a kid in a wheelchair?" Asked Artie.
"Leave him alone." Ashleigh says, pushing through the two football players and coming face-to-face with Dave.
"Ashleigh, so good to see you alive!" Dave shouted.
"So good to be alive. Go. Do it." She says.
A few seconds later, Ashleigh shook the slush from her and shivered.
"That... is... so... cold."
"Oh, my God! Are you okay?" Artie asked, wheeling himself around.
With Will and Shannon...
"This stuff between the jocks and the Glee Club... has been going on since I started running the thing."
"Maybe. Just seems like it's so much worse. I've won one division championships at three different schools. You have to understand what winning means to a community. Grades go up, and the streets are cleaner. Crime goes down. It's a self of pride and unity, and this school deserves that." She said.
"And you're gonna get it for us. You won almost every game this year."
"Winning conference was easy. The team we're up against for championship... they're much better than us. If you don't have the talent, you rely on the chemistry. They don't have to like each other, but they have to respect each other." She says.
"This whole thing is just so weird. Half of your starters are in my Glee Club."
"I don't know what to do." She tells him.
"Do you trust me?"
"Not gonna kiss me again, are ya?" She asked.
"If you trust me, I think I know a way to get your team united again."
A few minutes later, Ashleigh walked into the choir room, covered in Slushee...
"Oh, my God, Ashleigh." Said Santana.
"Ashleigh? Who did this to you?" Finn asked, slipping out of his football jacket and putting it around her.
"All your stupid, idiot football mates were gonna Slushee, Artie... all of them... I couldn't let them. So I took them." Ashleigh said, putting her head down and walking to her chair.
Sam and Finn looked at each other.
"It was awful." Said Ashleigh.
"That's it! Screw rehearsal! Sam, Puck, you two with me. This ends now!" Finn shouted, standing up and walking towards the door.
"This is what the ladies' lounge looks like." A football player said.
"This is a choir room!" Sam shouted, punching Dave in the face.
Finn and Puck threw themselves at two of the players, landing on the floor.
"Get up! Because you and I are gonna do some dancing!" Sam shouted.
"No, I got this, Sam. Take Ashleigh and get her out of here." Said Finn.
"I'm not going anywhere." Ashleigh says.
"Coach Beiste told us to come. Where is she?" Asked Dave.
"Watch it." Beiste says, pushing through the players. "Everyone, have a seat."
Finn and Sam glared at the football players.
"All right, New Directions, give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club." Said Will.
"What?!" Everyone asked, shouting loudly.
"Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Schue." Mercedes said.
"Are you serious?" Asked Ashleigh.
"Mr. Schue, are you being real? These are the guys that got Kurt to transfer. That one nearly killed Ashleigh, and all of them have just Slusheed her? All of them!" Finn shouted, standing up and glaring at the football team.
"Now I know why you had to change clothes. Are you okay?" Will asked, looking at Ashleigh.
"I'll live." Ashleigh says, looking down at her tangled fingers.
Sam placed his hand on her back.
"I've got your back, okay, Ash? That will never happen again. Promise." Sam tells her.
"I just don't know how I feel about sharing a room with a known homophobe. I miss Kurt every day because of him. But makes you wonder... if he's hiding some big, dark secret. Hey, who knows? By tomorrow, it might be out." Ashleigh says.
"Are you threatening me?" Dave asked.
"Guys, I don't disagree with you... what they've done, what they've said, but I've talked to Coach Beiste, and we both agreed that the kind of bullying David does comes from ignorance. I know it's difficult for some more than others, but it's an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys... that being in Glee Club is kind of cool." Will tells them.
"All of you are gonna be in this Glee Club for one week, no exceptions."
"She's bluffing. The championship game is next week. Without us, she has no team." Dave tells them.
"With you, I have no team. You guys have gotta find a way to come together, or we're gonna get our asses kicked... from here until Tuesday." Beiste said.
"If I have to stay, I ain't singing. That's the music of my oppressors."
"Do you have any idea what we do in here?" Asked Finn.
"No. None of them do. Ashleigh, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something?" Will asked.
"Uh, fine. Just so I'm clear, I'm totally offended and quite upset that you'll put me in the same room as him." Ashleigh says, standing up from her chair.
Puck begins playing the guitar.
She jumped onto the piano, sitting on it and resting her head against his shoulder.
The Glee Clubbers clapped and whooped.
"The girl with the Mohawk had a really nice voice."
Puck nodded, removing the guitar.
"That's funny." Said Puck.
Sam and Finn stood up, seeing that Puck was thinking of something.
"Hey!" Will shouted, seeing Puck running towards the guy.
Sam wrapped his arms around Ashleigh, stopping her from joining in and getting hurt.
"Great first day, huh?" Asked Shannon.
"Awesome!" Will shouted.
Later, Finn was standing in front of the trophy casing...
"We used to be best friends. Before I got your girlfriend pregnant and made out with your other girlfriend." Puck said.
"Right."
"Anyway... I gotta be honest. I wanna win this game, and I figured it's the only way us Glee studs are ever gonna get respect around here." Puck tells him.
"What's your point?"
"My point is... none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again." Puck tells him.
"Why'd you kiss her?"
"I don't know... anything like that will ever happen again. You led, and I got your back. We need to win this championship and become legends." Puck tells him.
Finn held his fist up, and Puck smiled, fist-pumping him.
Back with Sue and the cheerleaders, they were standing by a smaller machine that was gonna toss them across the field...
"Ladies... my "sueclear" weapon. Ashleigh. Climb on up. Congratulations. You're doing the stunt for the big competition." Sue said.
"I don't wanna die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled." Said Ashleigh.
"Fine." Sue says, snapping her fingers. "To put your toddler-sized mind at rest, we'll do one final test run."
Sue pressed the button, and the dummy completely missed the net and broke apart, landing a few feet away from the cannon.
"Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual." Sue said.
Ashleigh bent down, picking up the burnt dummy's head.
"Don't worry; I'll talk to Mr. Schue and take care of this. No way in hell you're doing that."
Later, Sue, Will, and Figgins...
"First things first... why is Karofsky in the same room as Ashleigh? A teacher has to be in the room constantly... he's to be under close supervision when in the same room as Ashleigh."
"I completely forgot. I'll make sure there's always a member of staff." Will said.
"And Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous. Our insurance premium is through the roof, as it is after what happened to Ashleigh! The school had to pay out 30 thousand dollars!"
"What? Really?" Will asked.
"Yes, and she deserves it! She's been through hell when you were principal."
"Cheerleading is a sport. There are dangers involved. It's the same as when a quarterback is sacked..." Sue says.
"There's no excuse for putting a student's life at risk!" Will shouted.
"I'm a tastemaker, Will. I know what the audience wants. You are not taking this away from me. I need this. This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again." Said Sue.
"But the risk and danger aren't happening to you!"
"That's the best part!" Sue shouted.
"Enough. You're not allowed to fire anyone out of that cannon without their consent!"
Sue stood up, walking out of Figgins office, and threw the lamp off the receptionist's desk.
She completely trashed the small room.
"It's coming out of your paycheck! Every penny of it!"
Will's hands covered his mouth, seeing Sue shove Ashleigh down the stairs.
Will and Figgins ran over to check on her, and she groaned.
"What did I do?" Ashleigh asked, staring up at Will and Figgins.
"Nothing, Ashleigh; you did absolutely nothing. Come on, let's get you up." Will says, pulling her up.
"Whoa!" She says, putting her hand on her forehead and feeling her head spin.
Will led her backwards, sitting her down on the stairs.
"Look at the bump on her forehead... like she hasn't been through enough in this school, Figgins. That's a lawsuit." Said Will.
"Mr. Schue, I don't wanna do it. I don't want to get into that cannon." Ashleigh murmured, shaking her head.
Later, Will takes Ashleigh with him to see Coach Beiste, and Ashleigh holds an ice pack to her forehead...
"What happened?" Asked Shannon.
"I'm telling you, I wish you could've seen it. Sue completely lost it and pushed her down the stairs..." Will said.
"You're not serious? After what she's..." Shannon says.
The door banged open, and Ashleigh jumped in her seat, seeing Sue.
Sue began throwing things around.
"It looked sort of like this. Exactly like this." Ashleigh said.
Sue then started throwing the weights around.
"Get down! Get under the table!" Shannon shouted.
Beiste helped Ashleigh under the table.
"What the hell are you doing?" Asked Shannon.
"I'm sending a message. Sue Sylvester's done playing nice." Sue tells them.
"When have you ever played nice?" Ashleigh asked, groaning lightly and standing up.
"If you wanna go from the top to the bottom of the stairs, I suggest you shut it, Slag. I've just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board, and they accepted my request to move my regionals to the same night as your championship game. You just lost your half-time show and the cheerleaders." Sue tells them.
Sue walked out of the room.
"What the crap are we gonna do now?" Ashleigh asked, staring between them.
Ashleigh stared at them, and her eyes widened.
"I got it." Said Ashleigh.
A few minutes later, Ashleigh, Will, and Beiste walked into the choir room...
"No fricking way!" Dave shouted.
"Okay, Dave, you tell us then! We've got no fricking choice! Sue pulled the Cheerios; if we don't do it, there's no half-time show."
Sam and Finn frowned, looking at Ashleigh.
"What?" Ashleigh asked.
"Is that a bruise...? What the hell happened?" Sam asked, squinting his eyes.
"Sue only went and threw me down the stairs... but I'm fine." Said Ashleigh.
"You could have a... what is it again?" Finn asked.
"Concussion." Mercedes says.
"This would be humiliating. No way in hell I'm singing."
Ashleigh walked over to him, kneeling down in front of him.
"You know what this whole week was about, bringing us together. To bring the school together. But unless you wanna see a pissed-off audience, they need a half-time. I'm not really seeing any other options here. Do I wanna sing with you? No. But will I... to save your football match? Most definitely. Because that's the sort of person I am. That's who Glee is. I know they're a little redundant right now, but I can convince them." Ashleigh said.
"She's good." Beiste says, looking at Will.
"Wait, so you want us to play the first half, change into some "sequine" ball gowns... and go out and do the half-time show at our own championship game?"
"Yes." Ashleigh said.
"It's the championship game! This is a crazy town! This is crazy!"
"Okay. Okay... what about the Cheerios in Glee Club? Ashleigh, you're a cheerleader..." Said Sam.
"Well, they have a choice to make then, haven't they? Us or the Cheerios competition." Said Ashleigh.
"Well, obviously, we all know Quinn's gonna choose the Cheerios." Rachel mumbled.
"Rachel, that's not fair. We're not all you, you know. You don't know what she's gonna choose. Anyway, if they go, they're just gonna miss out on the most ironic song of all time. "Thriller." You're welcome. At least it's not "Isn't she lovely?" Ashleigh asked.
"Go, Ash!" Sam and Finn shouted.
"You're welcome." Said Ashleigh.
Ashleigh sits down beside Sam, smiling at him softly.
"If Quinn chooses the Cheerios over us... we're done. Finished." Sam tells her.
Ashleigh placed her head against his arm, signing softly, blocking Will out.
"Hey, you okay?" Sam asked.
"Will be. Just my head is... banging." Ashleigh mumbled.
"I'm not surprised with you... you got hit over the head, and then Sue's pushing you down the stairs. We're not very good at protecting you, are we?" Asked Sam.
"Mm. You're perfect, Sam; don't ever change." Ashleigh tells him.
She closed her eyes for a second.
"Mash-up! Thriller, and Heads Will Roll!" Ashleigh shouted, standing up, staring at the group, and groaning loudly. "Anyone got painkillers?"
"Ashleigh, banging mash-up!" Quinn shouted. "And afraid not. Sorry."
"We're going to zombie land." Beiste tells them.
Later, they were all onstage practicing being zombies...
"Everyone, just copy Ashleigh!" Beiste shouted.
Dave shoved Ashleigh by accident, not actually meaning to get her.
Finn shoved him, making him fall to the floor.
"God! It was an accident!" Dave shouted.
"Hey! Knock it off!" Beiste shouted.
"Look, guys, it's good... we just need to put a little more life into it." Said Will.
"B... but we're dead." Dave tells him.
"Then put some afterlife into it, Dave." Ashleigh says, getting onto her elbows.
"All right. Process. Take a breather, guys, and I'll see you in the choir room in five for zombie makeup. Ashleigh, you're with me." Will tells them.
"Hey, can we talk to you for a sec?" Ashleigh asked, looking at David.
"Look, you're good at a zombie... I know I'm bad. Can you spare me, so we can get through this?"
"You're actually really good... you took that energy you used to bully people... you would be great, Dave." Ashleigh says.
"I'm not supposed to be within fifty feet of you."
"It's fine as long as a teacher is around." Will says.
"You know, you could easily be one of the most talented people here if you just saw yourself better... you know, I used to be like that... it was only when I met Mr. Schue that I actually mattered." Said Ashleigh.
Later, everyone was inside the choir room putting on their zombie makeup...
Dave walked over, hitting Finn's back gently.
"I need to talk to you."
"Can we not fight for just one day, man? It's already hard enough having you here and not kicking you in the nuts every time I see you. Listen, Ashleigh might be speaking to you... she's a forgiving person, but I'm not." Finn tells him.
"I really need to talk to you... maybe we should do a warm-up number or something... before we do that big "Thriller" thing at halftime."
Finn stared at Dave through the mirror.
"You know, I figured the only way I'm gonna keep any street cred around here... after dancing around like an idiot in front of the school is if we kick ass."
"Uh, yeah. Couldn't agree more." Finn says, spinning around on the chair facing him.
Dave nodded, walking away from him.
With Santana, Quinn, and Brittany, they were in the bathroom wiping the zombie makeup away...
"Zombie camp was funnier than I expected. And the Glee Club with the football team... it's like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow." Brittany said.
"What the hell are we gonna do? If we go to our cheerleading competition, then we miss the half-time show, and we're out of Glee. I'm torn." Quinn says.
"Well, I'm not." Santana said.
Sue came out of one of the toilets.
"Couldn't help but overhear your conversation."
"What were you doing in there?" Quinn asked.
"Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me... by the Swiss timepiece regularity... and utter silence of my 2:00 p.m. Ninja poops. I typed these up for you ladies, requiring your signature and tendering your resignation from the Glee Club. Oh, and Brittany, here's a note for you, handwritten and in crayon, from the human saying how much it misses you."
"Coach, that cannon is gonna get Ashleigh killed. Is that really worth it... just to win a stupid national championship?"
"Seventh consecutive stupid national championship."
"This is ridiculous." Quinn tells her.
"You had quite a year last year, Q. As I recall, you don't have a good time out of that uniform. Ladies, I am giving you a chance right now... to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie. Choose the Cheerios or choose the Glee Club!"
Later, Will was sitting at his desk when someone walked in, handing him a sheet...
He looked down at the sheet, looking up at Quinn, Santana, and Brittany.
A few minutes later, Ashleigh walked in, signing softly and handing the resignation letter to him.
"Sorry." She murmured.
He signed.
With Finn, he walked over to Ashleigh, slamming her locker...
"How the hell could you do this to us?"
"Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn. What was I supposed to do?" She asked, walking away from him.
"Uh, quit Cheerios. Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys. And she wants to shoot you out of a cannon! The Glee Club will be there for you a lot more than the Cheerios. Ashleigh, don't do this."
"And what? You don't think I feel awful about that?" She asked.
"You don't need to be a Cheerio to be cool."
"You are so naive. This whole school is about labels." She said.
"Wow. I never realised you were so freaking weak."
"What did you say?" Sam asked, walking out of the room.
"All the Cheerios quit Glee Club, man."
"What? Is this true?" Sam asked, looking over at Ashleigh.
Finn signed.
"Do whatever you want, but if you don't come back to Glee Club, we aren't friends." Sam murmured, walking backwards and going back into the choir room.
"Hope to see you there."
Back with the football players, they were onstage practicing...
"Yeah!" The girls shouted, clapping their hands.
"Guys." Will says.
"That was really awesome." Said Ashleigh.
"Ashleigh said it. It was awesome!" Will shouted.
Dave smiled, connecting hands with Finn, and bro hugged him.
"You football players are nailing that Zombie classic the first time out. I am impressed." Will says.
They walked out of the auditorium when three guys walked over to them...
"Appropriate outfits. They represent the dead of your guy's reign at this school."
"How many times do we have to put you puck-heads in your place... before you realise that football rules the school?" Asked Finn.
"Maybe not after you make dancing fools of yourself at the half-time show. You know it; we know it. The whole school knows it."
"They'll think differently after they see it. It's gonna be awesome!" Dave shouted.
"Holy crap! They turned Karofsky gay."
"What are you moose knuckles doing with those Slushees?" Asked Puck.
"Ready for fireworks? It's Independent Day."
Artie moved himself backwards, avoiding the Slushee. They threw the slush at them as Finn and Puck duck behind them.
A few moments later, the football players that had slush on them were in the shower, rubbing their eyes...
"Ow! My eyes! Burning!" Dave shouted.
"Just relax. It stops after a couple of hours." Finn tells them.
"No fricking way I'm letting that happen again." Said Dave.
"He's in the first stage of loserdom: denial." Artie said.
"No! I am not a loser. And I don't sing or dance. I walk tall and carry a big stick!" Dave shouted, pointing his finger at Artie.
"Dude. Relax. This is gonna be fine." Finn tells him.
"Course, it is 'cause I'm quitting Glee Club." Dave says, shoving Finn back.
"No, you're not. Fact is, covered in ice and red dye, number seven, you guys look more like a team than you ever have on the field." Beiste said.
"Don't care. I'm out." Dave said.
"Then you're off the team." Beiste tells him.
"No way. If we all quit, you will barely have enough guys to play next week. It's the championship game. You're not gonna throw it away." Dave tells her.
"Try me." Said Beiste.
"Don't do this. If we stand together and do the half-time show, we can win this game and be kings in this place." Finn tells him.
"Good luck with that." Dave says, walking away, seeing the other footballers following him.