"No, they didn't tell us anything at all, and it was last week." Her cousin Brianna, living in Trinidad, was recounting recent family drama to them.
"What do you mean last week? As in...they got married last week?" Esi asked, eyes bugging out of her head. She hadn't heard anything about this. And if she hadn't heard, then she knew that her mother didn't know either because she would have told her. This was bad. She could imagine the blow up that would come from it.
Her other cousin Afia, who lived in London, chimed in. "You're joking!"
"I kid you not. They got married last week. I've never seen granny so vex. He didn't even tell his mother." Bri responded.
Apparently, Bri and Esi's Uncle Sammy decided to elope with his girlfriend of two years. Their granny, who for some strange reason had become a social media addict—it was either that or soaps—saw pictures of the small and intimate ceremony online. Esi could imagine the drama that was happening in Trinidad. Her uncle was a free spirit, so his decision didn't surprise her that much, but she knew her granny, and behind the toughness was a woman who cared about her family. She was probably just really hurt about his actions.
"I mean..you know how he is, Esi, but they could have at least told her. I know she can be a bit nosey sometimes, but I...I don't know..it could have been handled better."
Esi sighed. "Yea..I know. You know how their relationship is..it's because he reminds her so much of grandpa, so they've always been close until Andrea came into the picture and he got his own place."
"You lot have too much craziness going on in Trinidad!" Afi's image was distorted as she was hanging upside down off the side of her bed.
Esi's father and Afi's father were brothers so she wasn't related to Brianna, who was Esi's cousin because their mom's were sisters, but that never stopped them from being close.
Brianna interjected, "Hold up, didn't you tell us last week about some cousin of yours on their seventh child...with the fifth or sixth baby mother?"
"Ah ah, don't judge. The man clearly has a lot of love to share around," Afi replied.
Esi shook her head. "Really, Afia?"
"What?" Her cousin had the most incredulous look on her face. "You know I'm a lover, Esi. If Coby's women don't have an issue with his poly love, why should we. Yes, I know environmentally, seven kids is a lot. God help our already overpopulated world, but he takes care of them, so who am I to judge?"
"We weren't judging. I was concerned about the women's feelings, but if you say that everyone's fine with it. Then, that's that." Esi was constantly surprised at how much Afi had changed over the years.
The Afi before Sabine's passing was never like this. She was completely absorbed in her lab work being a biochem major. She rarely went out and socialized, and there wasn't one hint of a romantic interest. Their friend's passing had really changed everything. She could still remember Sabine's last words to them. Those words were probably what spurred the change in Afi. They could no longer keep track of her social life. How she balanced the men, the partying and her work was astounding. Sometimes they worried that Afi was doing too much, and whenever the topic was brought up, she would wave them off. She would tell them that even though she loved her work, she wasn't living as she should have before—she wasn't enjoying life.
Afi had opened up to them about how life's uncertainty had scared her, which was why she was so meticulous with every aspect of it. But now, she realized that certain things—death—were inevitable in life, and she needed to maximize how she lived it. As much as she was happy for her cousin's newfound outlook, Esi couldn't help but still feel uncertain. Or maybe her feeling was less of concern and more of envy. She still felt stuck. She felt as if she was the only one not changing, not growing.
Esi even saw changes in how Bri approached life. Bri was calmer. She didn't let obstacles in life worry her as much. There was a time when she was frantic about everything, and the stress would bleed over into her health. Being the oldest of four children with an eight year gap between her and the second child in a single parent household, most of the responsibility fell on Brianna to help out by watching her younger siblings. Having to balance that with growing up herself, Esi knew that it was too much on any one person. Now, whenever Esi was anxious, she would turn to Brianna as a source of encouragement.
Lost. Unchanging. Stagnant. Lonely.
That was how she felt sometimes, and it ached her that she couldn't speak to anyone about it. She just didn't know how to articulate her thoughts—her feelings. It was the reason why she focused so much on helping others. Even though she couldn't be helped , at least others could be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Esi was so consumed in her thoughts that she didn't realize the others had stopped talking. She frowned and looked down on her phone. Her cousins were staring at her with strange, piercing expressions, as if they knew something—as if she was hiding something. She could hazard a guess as to what it was, and she didn't necessarily want to talk about it.
"What is it?" She asked, eyes darting away from those two pairs of curious eyes boring into her.
"Just listen to her, Bri!" hissed her cousin Afia with narrowed eyes. "What is it?"
"Yea..girl, you need to stop playing," came her other cousin's vibrant Trini accent.
"I don't know what either of you are talking about," Esi responded.
"Oh come off it! You think we're stupid, ah?"
They'd been on a three way video call for the last hour talking about absolute nonsense, and she had been carefully avoiding any talk of her personal life.
Esi huffed and pursed her lips.
"I need you both to be more specific. I'm confused." There was an edge of an attitude to her voice. It felt like dinner at her parents all over again.
They probably detected the change in her voice because the teasing nature left the conversation.
She knew that Brianna wouldn't directly mention him. It wasn't in her nature, but Afi...she was a canon, and Esi was just waiting for her to go off.
"Tell us about Mr. Danvers."
Boom.
Perfectly aimed.
Since her cousin decided to do away with the pretense, Esi decided not to stall.
"I don't know what you were told or who told you..." She looked at them pointedly.
It was either Lena or her parents that spread this news. Lena had met her cousins two years ago when they came to visit for Christmas break. Unsurprisingly, she and Afi got on quite well. They both had such outspoken personalities that living with Lena sometimes felt as if Afi was there with her. However, Lena knew that sometimes in order to get to the crux of the matter that she needed to pull back, to let Esi get out of her own way.
"But...yes, I made a new friend. Didn't realize that it was something that I had to report to every family member." There was more that she could have added, but she decided to wait to see how the conversation panned out.
Brianna decided to find her voice at that moment. "Don't be extra, Esi. We're not saying that you have to report every friend to us...it's just strange that you didn't mention him to us."
"Why would I mention him if he's just a friend?" Esi's denial was a quick reflex.
"He's just a friend, is he?" She opened her mouth to retort, but Afi continued. "You would've mentioned him in passing if he was, but you deliberately kept him from us."
Esi stared at her phone incredulously. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. There was no other point in her life when her family was so overly concerned about her love life.
"I didn't keep him from you," she gritted out. "There's nothing to keep from you. I met Porte a few weeks ago. I ran into him at the community outreach, and that's that."
It wasn't the complete truth, and she didn't know why she didn't want to tell them that they spoke online. Often.
It was just something that she wanted to keep to herself. Something that she didn't need everyone else to know yet.
But..still, her family and friends were making a bigger deal out of it than it was.
They studied her as she scrambled to keep her emotions in check.
"I've never seen you like this. Not even with..." Brianna trailed off because she knew that Andrew was still a touchy subject.
Esi scoffed. "You can say his name. We don't give him that kind of power where we can't even say his name."
Afi threw out a quick 'amen' at that.
Brianna continued. "We haven't seen you this defensive since Andrew. So, we can only conclude that there is something." She held up her hand to stop Esi from replying.
"Maybe you don't even fully understand what's happening either, but you're protecting this friendship—she used finger quotes—and that means that you feel some way about it. That it could be important to you? ." She ended with a question.
Esi could not respond because what Bri said had truth to it. Yes, she just met Porte, but there was something. In their banter. In how he listened to her. In how he insisted on being her friend—as if it was a privilege.
In those few, small moments—she felt.
But should she feel? Did she deserve to feel?
She definitely did not want history to repeat itself.
Esi groaned as she came to these realizations. Also, he looked good. So good.
It didn't help her predicament.
Afi sighed. "We don't mean to pressure you. I'm sure you get enough of that from your father. I swear he thinks he's the family matchmaker or something. Well, not only family 'cause Lena told me what he's been doing too..."
Brianna chose that exact moment to cough suspiciously.
Afi laughed. "Oh don't worry, Bri. I'm sure she already figured out it was Lena. By the way, she thought that we knew already, and she didn't give any details. It was just a passing comment, so don't be too mad at her."
Esi shook her head. "Mmmm. I'll deal with her later."
"Es, we just want you to talk to us—to tell us how you feel. That's it." Bri softly assured her.
This conversation, too, had taken a turn. Just like with her parents.
Basic math would tell her that if she was the common variable in both scenarios, then she was probably the problem. It wasn't a reassuring thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later, after the call ended, Esi flopped back onto her bed. She blew out a sigh. Her mind was racing with so many thoughts. She had her thesis to work on, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to concentrate. Plus, she also had to wash her hair, after they'd been breathing since she took out her braids.
Whenever it came to washing her hair, she'd miss the days when she was younger, and her mum used to wash it. Sometimes it was a lot to deal with the thick curly masses.
That wasn't the only thought on her mind.
Porte.
When she started to become uncomfortable, Esi now knew how to eliminate things out of her life. His name was coming up too often in conversations that she did not want to have. The easiest thing to do would be to block him or tell him that they couldn't be friends.
It was a selfish thought. He hadn't done anything wrong. Plus, the feeling—the conflicted feeling that she had with him—the good definitely felt better than the bad.
She heard her phone ping, and she flew up to grab it off of her bedside table. Her actions spoke for themselves. They already answered her questions.
It wasn't the first one that she had gotten today, but something told her that this one was him. At least, that was what she hoped. Her feelings were complicated—she was complicated.
She paused at the question he asked.
There was something happening in her chest. Her heart beat faster. She didn't know if it was due to feeling glee or fear. He'd learned from their previous conversations because he added in the phrase 'as friends, of course'.
Her fingers were typing before she even realized.
'Yes.'
Not 'sure'. Not 'ok'.
She had gone with the most affirmative answer.
She facepalmed herself. Talk about seeming desperate.
Nothing could stop the smile threatening its way onto her face. Not even when she remembered she had to add laundry to the list of things that she had to do throughout the rest of the day.
A/N
Hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm trying to keep up with steady updates.
Drop a comment if you like.
Next chapter is the "not date".