| Lavanya |
My heart sank at the sight of Agastya lying unconscious in the car parking lot. Agastya has always cried for Natasha's demise and, hated me for publicizing her death, and their relationship, for months now and I have defended myself by saying that it was all professional. I did whatever I could, in my power to make him understand that I am not at fault. I was constantly fighting him and today it all seemed pointless.
Maybe because I had never experienced the death of a close relative, or the feeling of not being able to see someone again except for one time where I chose myself. The inkling of parting ways with someone never really occurred to me until today. I was thrown into a quack, I was on the verge of a mental breakdown and would have suffered one, only if Vidyut hadn't been there. The fear of losing Agastya didn't feel right, let alone at my own hands. I felt earth slipping away from under my feet, my breathing almost stopped for my mind weaved images of my life without Agastya and I swear to God, it wasn't as good as I always thought it would be. For the first time ever, I reasoned with Agastya to this extent. While admitting him to the hospital, memories of me and him flashed in my mind. Every tussle, every disagreement, which have always been laced with a certain amount of tension, our eye locks, him looking at me lovingly throughout the party, dancing with me, making me sway and making my heart flutter at the craziest rate, I could see it all in front of my eyes. I now understand how much he misses Natasha and why he's so protective of her.
But he has a reason for it. Agastya has experienced love. He loves Natasha.
And I?
When doctors took him inside, I missed him. His hand in mine, his eyes looking at me, I missed it all. But why? Do I also have a reason to miss him, to feel this way, lonely and lost.
Do I like him?
Vidyut embraced me tightly as I was inconsolable with guilt and those new emotions I was discovering for Agastya. Suddenly the whole life lost its meaning, everything around me seemed worthless without Agastya in it.
"He will be alright Lavanya. But what the heck has happened to you?" Vidyut asked patting my back as I sobbed.
"I know that... but I can't help it." I said, my voice was incoherent. I was breathless. If anything would have happened to Agastya, how would have I lived?
My guilt to do that to him was one reason but his absence in my life is a totally different thing, which scared me to my core.
"Why are you so bothered Lavanya? You are not acting like yourself. I understand that you are sorry but get yourself together please.." He looked at me, enquiring about something which I didn't want to answer. "Do you feel anything for him?" Vidyut paused and thought before speaking those words which made me look at him in disbelief. Am I that obvious?
Do I really love Agastya? Have I fallen for him while waging a war against him? How is this possible?
"No! I don't love him." I snapped in perplexion. My mind denied the possibility of it. It's disastrous.
"When did I say that you love him?" Vidyut asked in horror, and my face grew pale as I got caught.
"But its actually what you meant. I know." I wiped my tears away and detached myself from him.
I left Vidyut and excused myself, and cried in washroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and it was all over my face, I was missing him. I felt uneasy, a strange emptiness in my stomach, my gut clenched. I was baffled to realize it on my face. When did this happen? How could it happen? How the fuck I can fall in love with a person who hates me to the core, who humiliated me so much, and lastly, the person who's irrevocably in love with someone else?
Few hours ago, I was angry with him and probably angry is a small word for what I felt for him. But what was it with this feeling of emptiness and churning? My stomach was forming knots, I could hardly breathe.
"All I care about is your fucking attention." My words replayed in my mind. Agastya was the driving force behind the bruises I felt on my pride. But the way I reacted, there was surely something more to it.
I think maybe it was my collective frustration about him for not seeing me the same way he looks at Natasha's pictures, I burnt, about him not giving enough attention to my childish tactics I do to catch his eyes, about not behaving lovingly and affectionately with me as I imagine all the time, or about not reciprocating my affection and empathy which I end up showing him every time.
Maybe I hid all my true feelings behind my ego and his working style very conveniently and now my truth was coming out on my face.
Did I fall for him when he entered in the office and pulled my hairband, setting my hairs free? Was I swayed by his charms? Or did I fall for him when he asked me for a dance, treated me like his special someone? Or did love happen when he carried me in his arms and took care of me in the most gentle way, when he unleashed the soft side of him, just for me, despite carrying so much bitterness inside him? Or have I simply fallen in love with his mere presence, his voice with which he calls me Lav, his dark grey eyes which look through my soul, him bickering around, teasing me, annoying me specifically for his own fun?
When did life actually become unimaginable without him?
The questions are countless but the only answer I can give is a YES.
My conscience pricks me with affirmation. My toes curl as I think about Agastya. I have fallen in love with him.
I am in love with Agastya Raichand, the man who has taken away my peace, my sleep and my sanity.
Experience of realizing that you are in love, and the urge to tell them at their face that it's them, you have fallen for, is nothing what they show in fiction and talk about in books. No guitar played in the background, no warmth and affection surrounded me. Instead I feel lost and lonely. It feels like I am being choked, my throat pains, my head spins. I feel breathless and insane. There's nothing magical.
When he regained consciousness, I was dealing with two emotions. One was of fear and the other was of affection. I couldn't come to terms that I have fallen for Agastya all that while and now that I have done, I feel the fear of losing him. I was constantly wondering about the ways to face him once he woke up but when he actually did, I felt grounded by his eyes. Agastya lying at the bed, from a distance looked strange, angry and definitely not someone I can call mine. Actually he is never mine. How am I going to handle this fact that the only guy I am in love with hates me and is caught up in someone else's memories and always wants to remain like that? We are not cordial, not even friends, lets forget about lovers. I just had set his office on fire to hurt him, few hours ago. How are we going to survive? There is not even an 'us'.
While at the same time, I couldn't deal with the overwhelming care and love I was feeling for Agastya. I was worried for him and his health. I knew he wouldn't even like to see me once he wakes up but I couldn't wait for him to regain consciousness. He is the most important man in my life right now. Despite knowing that I would be the last person he would like to see, I stayed back, drove him to his house without his will, and did whatever doctor told me but that kiss in the kitchen wasn't listed anywhere. I felt a fucking tornado swirling in my head when Agastya pulled me into a mind blowing kiss because.. Agastya did it. Like it was something I could have never imagined him doing but the man who hates me, the man I love kissed me with so much urgency, as if I will vanish into thin air, the next moment, if he doesn't. He wasn't letting me go, and neither did I plan to until..
"Then let's get done with it. Maybe that's what we had wanted to happen from the very start." Agastya untucks one of my top buttons as he says something which makes my heart break into pieces. Is it just a rebound for him? Because for me it is not. Yes, it is for him. What did I even think? But I have bared myself to him for I want this to be a special memory. I thought he felt the same way, when he kissed me.
"Agastya!" I step back and he wipes my tears away as if it is very natural of him to do.
"What happened Lav?" Is that even a question? I feel like a loser right now for expecting things from his side. Fuck!
"It isn't a rebound for me. I never wanted to get physical with you until today. I thought -"
"- you thought that we can be more than this arrangement?" Agastya completes the sentence for me.
"This is not an arrangement. You kissed me out of feelings. Right?" my eyes get watery as I breathe defeatedly.
"I did..." he pauses, looking down at the floor for a moment before continuing "..but I regret these feelings Lavanya. I cannot do it."
"Do what? Lov.. liking each other is not a task. It just happens.." I correct my words.
"Lavanya stop making it difficult for me when you know it already is. I don't want to make you feel disrespected. If you are uncomfortable, you can leave. I am sorry." I see him stretching his muscles when I face his back. Agastya appears in deep thoughts of shame and regret, laced by his desire for me.
"Agastya I am comfortable but I thought we could be something more than just being rivals."
"We are more than rivals.." he turns back again impulsively and adds in a much lower tone this time "..but please don't expect anything from me because.. you know it Lavanya.. FUCK! I shouldn't have let this happen.. it's all my mistake." he pinches his forehead in regret making me feel abandoned.
"I am sorry Agastya. I.. should have.. I am sorry." I utter not knowing what to actually speak for all the rational thoughts start to mug up my mind again, which I have let go of, while kissing him back. How did I expect something real to happen between us when there can be just attraction and maybe just a physical relationship only. Agastya and I, unfortunately can't go beyond the set boundaries, especially him. There is tension, there is desire but no emotions and his next words confirmed it.
"Lavanya! Just go! Go!" he asks me. And he is right. He has no obligation to return my feelings in fact he doesn't even know that I have feelings for him and I know him. He would never do that so what did I begin to expect out of this kiss. It's plain normal for him and if not normal, then also it's nothing for him. Even if he would try to name it something, his guilt is much bigger than my feelings for him.
"I am going." I walk out of his kitchen, and take my belongings to not look back at a distressed Agastya. His conflicts pain me because they remind me that we have no future. I never knew that falling in love for me would become all about being stuck somewhere between heaven and hell. May universe never subject anyone to a love like the one I have found, where there is no hope, no future, not even a chance to call him mine.
"Please take your medicines on time and take a day off." I messaged him half heartedly while sitting in taxi, going back home. No matter what I am going through right now, there is this feeling of constant worry about his health, thoughts about him, whether he is sleeping or not, whether he will take his health seriously or not. I am so fucking doomed.
Everything with Agastya comes with a price. Loving him came with a heartbreak. How can my heart choose such a conflicted path for itself? I'm in shambles.
_____________
ONE WEEK LATER :
Its been a whole week to that kiss and someone has said it right, one kiss can change your life. No amount of fight, understanding or mental notes could keep us away from indulging in each other's affair but that one impulsive decision that took place in heat of the moment, has turned my life upside down. Its not me who is surprised but the whole office who stares at me and Agastya as if we are some aliens. But I have no one to blame because the whole staff is shocked to see their most quarrelsome bosses all silent and cordial. Cordial isn't actually a word for us because we haven't been really talking to each other. There are just a couple of yes and nos exchanged between us, some head nods and silent hums to what we say. There are no repulsions, no fights, no arguments, just a deadly silence that has engulfed me in sadness and pain. On the other hand, mom and dad are busy over phones discussing a whole ass list of suitable grooms for me, after asking me for umptieth time if I have someone in my life or not, to which I have sadly, replied a no. Agastya can never be there in my life, no matter how strongly I wish. Dad, this time seems eager to find a groom for me because he thinks it's the right time and I am also well settled.
I don't know what to say to them. I'm too caught up with the distance I physically and emotionally feel between me and Agastya. I'll manage my parents later on but right now my main concern is Agastya Raichand. He doesn't even spare a glance at me. We have hardly made a conversation in last six days. Almost everyone has asked me about the reason behind our foreign behaviors, while I just offer a smile in return with the reply that we have moved past our differences. Though everyone believes that there's some miracle which has happened for sure because there is no way two people can be this formal after setting each other on fire, literally.
It's Agastya's birthday on the 12th of April and I know I won't be a part of it. I don't even know if he will celebrate it or not but I want him to gift something. I want to talk with him, I want to make a move because I just can't stand this distance anymore. It's disheartening to see him being so far when physically we work under one roof. He's acting like we don't know each other, as if that kiss was a mistake. Does behaving like strangers with one another will vanish that night? Can we reverse something that has already happened?
No. And I'll make Agastya understand this fact. Running away from me won't take him anywhere nor am I going to leave him. If he can't love me, then he may not. But he needs to stop behaving the way he is behaving. It is so fucking childish of him. We can be friends or we can be enemies again, but not strangers. I can't live like this.
"Good morning Bees. I want to tell you something." I say, addressing the maximum of employees, from way up here, at the top of the stairs. I find Agastya looking in my direction with curiosity, holding coffee in one hand and a tab in another. "Since we all know that from past four months we are working in a firm where some people are newbies and maximum of you are either from Highlights or Gossip Bee. As a CEO, I feel that its kind of unfortunate and unfair to the loyal journalists and team members, that Highlights has been taken down and we don't even mention it anywhere anymore. I truly, and you guys have to trust me that, feel bad about the whole situation. I respect the hard work and efforts you all had put together to make Highlights what it was." My eyes meet with Agastya's surprised ones for a brief moment but I choose to break the eye contact for it is unsettling and I breathe before uttering the next words in nervousness. "Specially Agastya, who has given his sweat and blood to his baby firm. I am an admirer and I try to learn from him, the qualities of passion, determination and smart work because no matter what he is the most amazing team leader we have among us." I hear loud applause and some whispers about how unimaginable the whole thing is. I chuckle inwardly and a smile plays on my lips. Maybe Agastya and my rivalry is for record books of Gossip bee. Nevertheless I continue after clearing my throat "So as a token of this love and respect to him, to you all, I am here to make an important announcement. On 26th of March 2024, we are going to launch a digital magazine HIGHLIGHTS RELOADED. It will be an infotainment magazine, targeting youth of our country. Details will be shared soon and you can contact Miss Rishita, who will be the head journalist of this digital magazine. Thank you." I make it quick and short, because I find myself short of breath. I don't know how will he take it, most probably negatively and it makes me feel bad. I did what my gut asked me to but now it feels a wrong decision. I will probably look like a wannabe to him. He will think that I'm trying to earn his attention, to bring out a reaction or maybe he will think of me as clingy. Oh God -
"-Agastya! Highlights will be back." I hear Mr. Raichand speaking highly of my decision. I found him standing with Agastya at the doors of his cabin. My eyes automatically begin to scan his son again. Dressed in an antique golden sweater with a navy blue jacket over it, he looks strikingly gorgeous in tousled hairs and dark grey eyes. Agastya is reading time on his golden coloured Rado, pretending to avoid what his father says.
"It will be back dad." He looks up and adds "But not on 12th. I will bring my brand back." My lips curve into a small sad smile as he nullifies something I thought would make him happy.
"Oh Agastya you need to learn how to appreciate others. Lavanya has made an extra effort which is a very friendly thing of her to do and she has dedicated the magazine to you." Mr. Raichand smirks at him and Agastya rolls his eyes. "By the way when did you guys make progress? I was surprised when she was praising you." He asks and Agastya's face suddenly goes pale upon being asked about the recent developments between us.
"I appreciate her dad." He says after a lot of thinking. "Her intent is genuine, I can see that. And she has dedicated it to the entire team of Highlights, not only me." Agastya replies with a poker face but still his words make me feel good. He appreciates my efforts and he knows the intent. My heart can finally beat normally because now I know that he doesn't see me in bad light, as someone who's trying to gain his attention.
"Whatever makes you sleep tight son. But I am sure she has done it particularly for you. You see its your birthday week so maybe its a present from her side." Yes. That's what it is. Exactly.
"My birthday?" A frown appears on his face and his mouth forms an O. "Oh I forgot about that and please dad she wouldn't even know about my birthday. Stop cooking your own theories." Agastya begins to scroll his face and I am astound to know that he doesn't even remember something as personal as his birthday date. How can someone forget their own birthday?
"Okay. Anyways, I am here to tell you something." Mr. Raichand says nonchalantly.
"What?"
"Wait come with me." He holds Agastya's hand and bring him on the grill.
"Dad.." before Agastya could say something, his dad excitedly begin to address the employees.
"Attention everyone! I am here to make an announcement or rather to make an invite on the occasion of birthday of our managing editor, my very own son Agastya. And you all are invited." A loud cheer envelope the entire building as everyone clap and hoot for Agastya. "Lavanya." Mr. Raichand looks at me and I nod my head in response. "..its the same day, you gonna launch Highlights Reloaded so shall we do it at his birthday party itself? Only if you allow, everything is going to be on me." He smiles at me and my heart knows no boundaries for it leaps at the thought of being able to celebrate Agastya's birthday with him.
"As you say sir but the expenses would be shared by the company." I complied.
"Okay Miss! So its a double bonanza. PARTY TIME!" Mr. Raichand said in a loud voice energetically which was followed by applause from the employees.
"Dad what was the need to throw a party? You know I don't like partying." I listen to Agastya who is trying to keep his decibel as low as possible as Mr. Raichand stands in my office to discuss the arrangements. I don't look at him for it may get awkward. I don't know.
"Says who! Agastya you are forgetting your college days. You have spent half of my money like a brat in clubs, dancing and bedding those random chicks you used to bring home. And what about those birthday plans in Hawaii, sometimes in Dubai?" I choked on my water as he said that. What on earth is this confession? Too scandalous. LOL. I finally breathe dramatically when Agastya stares at my response about his colourful past.
"That was all in the past, before Natasha.." Agastya scratches his neck in embarrassment and glances at me again.
"Its your second birthday without her, come out of it." Mr. Raichand says rather coldly this time. I think he doesn't hate Natasha in general but he dislikes her for making Agastya what he is today. Cold, distant and self destructive. No father can watch their children walking a path of destruction and Mr. Raichand is no different.
"Dad.."
"I am not taking a no. I want to see my son happy and full of life on his birthday." he cuts Agastya off sternly and Agastya gives in.
"Okay dad." Mr. Raichand leaves my office with a smile on his face, leaving us alone in my cabin and I feel a sudden shift in the air. It is tensed and tough.
"Agastya please e-mail me the.." I speak when he aims to walk out on me again in the hope of initiating a conversation. I am tired of him walking out on me, avoiding any sort of discussion, behaving weirdly like I don't exist. I have had enough of his stubbornness.
"Text me about it. I have to go." He answers with a poker face and again begins to walk away when I almost leaped to hold him back. His usual baby soft, gorgeous hand is red at knuckles yet it feels softer than ever in my hold while his eyes stare back at me with loathe.
"Agastya! What is wrong with you?" I ask with pleading eyes for his distant behavior is getting unbearable.
"Nothing is wrong with me." He removes my hand from his and turns back again.
"Then why are you avoiding me?" I yell this time, agonized and agitated.
"I am not avoiding anybody. Its all in your head." he walks closer with his grey pair of moistened eyes, clearly telling that whatever he says is a lie.
"You know that you are. Stop lying." I fight back.
"What do you want from me Lavanya?" Agastya pinches the bridge of his nose again, because he can clearly see that I am not giving up, on him.
"Its Lav for you. Wasn't it?" I pull him closer such that our foreheads are now touching. Agastya's hot breath fans and it surprisingly doesn't smell of alcohol like it usually does. He is on withdrawal. Finally. Thank God.
"It doesn't matter." he replies back with closed eyes.
"It does. Can we talk for two minutes like mature adults?" I cup his well sculptured face in my small hands and I feel him melting under my touch for a second before he snaps at me.
"No!"
"And I ask why?" I want this conversation and I am not going to let him go away so easily today.
"Because we have nothing to talk about." Agastya pushes me away but I don't deter.
"Can you stop sulking about that night? It's been a week." I literally grit on my teeth as my frustration level rises. Why can't he just be easy on himself about it? Natasha! Natasha! Natasha! I am sick of her name. That woman took her own life and now she doesn't let him live in peace. It is not love if it not liberating and free. Agastya's love for Natasha is doing no good but chaining and caging him underground.
"Its been a week since I have cheated on Natasha. Get it?" Agastya struggles against my grip on his wrist but I don't stir. This time I won't. I scoff visibly at his traditional reply.
"You didn't cheat on her in any way. It is called moving on and you were just listening to your instincts and your bloody heart. Don't call it a mistake because it is one of the most precious moments of my life." I yell at him, making the truth audible enough for a deaf in love Agastya. He has built walls around him which don't let other sounds breakthrough. He doesn't listen to his own heart, forget my voice.
"What has happened to you Lavanya, why are you cherishing it?" Agastya yells back ferociously at me and I look away "I told you to not expect anything from me and because I didn't want to hurt your sentiments, I even asked you to go."
"You asked me to go because you think you are being disloyal to Natasha." I reply and pull him closer by his sweater. More closer. Such that his hands fall on the table behind me to support himself, trapping me between him and the table and I can hear his heartbeat. Its erratic.
"I can't believe you are discussing a fucking kiss." he says in an annoyed tone, looking with disbelief at my persistence.
"Because YOU haven't come out of it." I put extra pressure in my words to make him understand. "I am trying to be normal, to be cordial with you but you are just ignoring me and it is not helping. Neither you nor me."
"Nothing can help me Lavanya. But you can help yourself by not giving a damn about me. Just let it be." He again moves back and rakes his hand through his hairs and damn me for he looks absolutely gorgeous doing that.
"Its not that easy as it sounds. I want you to behave normally, like old days." I plead again.
"Do you think that was normal?" Agastya chuckles dryly at my words.
"At least I was used to it."
"You will get used to this too."
"Agastya we were going far with the kiss by our own will and I know you wanted it to happen as much as I wanted it. But I am still trying to be nice and I just want you to not ignore me. It's fucking painful." hot tears trickle down my cheeks finally and I feel like dying from inside. I feel angry, unimportant and wasted. "You just can't kiss me and then act like a stranger, the other day. You can't play with me whenever you feel like." I push him away with all the force I could muster and Agastya's eyes look at me surprisingly but I don't care anymore. "I understand that you have a past and you are feeling bad about it but everything cannot be just about you. I was equally involved in it. You haven't even talked to me after that night. You don't want to know what I want, what I am feeling. Its all you." I push him, hit him again and again, multiple times, with anger and my tears don't stop falling from my eyes, making me gasp for breath. "How can you expect me to not think about you after what had happened?" I cry.
"WHAT THE FUCK SO BIG HAS HAPPENED LAVANYA? WHAT?" Agastya corners me against the table, holding me together again. I can see him getting worried for me and my temper but his question does nothing to reduce it. All I can see is his face and feel is his body pressed against mine. I don't know what happened next because I pulled him into a kiss, filled with passion, fervor and anger. I carelessly bite on his strawberry pink lips, cupping his face, lacing him to me. Being true to myself unlike him, I can say that I haven't ever kissed someone like I am kissing Agastya. I need him like oxygen. For a heartbeat, I forgot everything because all I want to remember is Agastya. My mind finally found the solace as I kiss him rough, wanting and consuming. I can feel Agastya's hands resting at my back, his fingertips digging into the material of my black dress, his lips on my lips, moving and tasting every corner of my mouth as wildly as me. My hands make my way to his hairs and I pull him into me. I feel him immersed and consumed in me, in a way that it feels fatal and amazing both. He just doesn't want to let go of me, I can sense that for he is tugging me closer every now and then, gasping for air more than me but I finally pull back.
"This is what had happened." I whisper, looking at him, straight in his eyes, while struggling for air. "And you didn't back down. Neither that night, nor today. and it proves that it wasn't a mistake as you misquoted. Because the Agastya Raichand I know, doesn't repeat his mistakes." his eyes bore into mine as for the first time, he listens to me dumbfound without a comeback. "So just shut up and don't you fucking ignore me again. If you want, we can forget this together." I give him a quick peck on his lips before leaving him thinking about us, breathless and enticed.
__________
Lavanya and Agastya's outfit inspo:
A/N : I was writing other drafts of this book and forgot it was Friday. So here we go guys! Do read, vote and comment.