Fuck my life!
The running trail behind my house leads deep into the woods, but the path is very familiar to me. It's also a constant challenge and the only reason I'm out tonight. I hope... I pray that running will calm me down. Something should after the absolute garbage of a day I've had.
I try, I really do, to see the good in life. To believe in the healing powers of prayer.
But the more I go through the day to day, the more I'm convinced that there is no true joy in the little things. It's something we continue to tell ourselves so that we don't go insane. Because if there was anything to this saying, a day like the one I had would be impossible.
The soles of my sneakers pound over the dry leaves on the forest path, leaving behind a crunch that reminds me of stepping on cockroaches. I'd rather have some crawling up my legs then continue to think about today, but my mind won't let me be distracted.
I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning, feeling sick . My period was early and violent, making me nauseous. I spent over half an hour throwing up my guts. Steve slept through it all, like a baby, unaware that three feet away from his snoring form, I felt like dying. When I could finally move without barfing, all I wanted was to take a hot shower and wash the pain away. Joke was on me, the water heater broke down, so I had to suffer through ice-cold water. When I came out, my husband was still asleep.
I tried to wake him up over five times as I got dressed before he finally groaned and opened his eyes. By that time, we were running late. He had the nerve to grumble at me for having to drive me to work even if we'd discussed it the previous night and he knew my car was in the shop.
Even so, despite my pleas, he moved with all the speed of a distressed tortoise, so I was twenty minutes late for work. And as my miserable luck would have it, it was one of those days in which my insufferable boss Anika decided to be on time.
Of course she tore me a new one, and there was nothing I could say in my defense. We had an important ongoing project with a deadline by close of business , and I was expected to be on time.
I grit my teeth and shut my eyes for a moment. I don't want to think about this horrible day, but no matter how loudly Disturbed yells in my ears, I can't drown out the noise inside my brain. The horrific play-by-play of all the details I didn't think I could still remember.
Like the satisfied look on Anika's face as I fucked up and the project we've been working on for the past six months fell through. It wasn't my fuck up entirely, not by a long shot. Somehow, a group of six lawyers specialized in mergers and acquisitions managed to overlook an ongoing restructuring procedure involving our target company. It wasn't my business to search for litigation risks, but, as Anika so deftly pointed out, I am the senior on the team, so I should've double checked everything before sending the red flag report.
To say our client was pissed would be an understatement. And just like that morning, I couldn't say anything to Anika, not even as she shouted at me and called me an incompetent ass with the door opened so that the entire open space office could hear. She wasn't one hundred percent right, but she had a point.
I could've been more careful. I could have double checked everything, and then, maybe, our client wouldn't have left the firm. A client I brought in, after all. But I was so tired, so burned out. Because of this project and all the other projects I've been involved in over the past six months. Anika didn't care. She is always the busiest, always the most important person in the office. We are nothing but stepping stones for her and we've fucked up her chance to become an equity partner this year.
By the time I could finally leave the office, I was so angry and near tears, just to find that I didn't have my car and I had to go pick it up from the shop.
The trees on the trail begin to narrow, and shadows surround me as I push myself harder. I have tears in my eyes again, just thinking about all that. I don't know why my brain is like this, why it forces me to relive the torment instead of going blank and focusing on the stitch in my side, my burning lungs. I run faster, but I can barely feel anything around me.
My mind is on my ride home, on the phone call with my mother who decided now was the perfect time to argue that I should be having kids, not killing myself at work, and that Anika's attitude towards me is my fault because I allow it.
It's on Steve who was playing videogames when I got in and wouldn't even look at me. Instead, he laughed with his game buddies, as if I wasn't even there.
I felt I was choking. So I put on my tracksuit, hurried outside, and started down the trail I am so familiar with, hoping to escape what I left behind.
It has been another failure of the day. Just one of many.
People lie. There is no such thing as tiny moments of joy strewn throughout the day. We make them up not to go mad. Not to feel like I am right now. Filled with hatred and resentment.
Fog slithers through the trees, making the branches look like emaciated arms reaching out for me, but I don't care. I know this trail like the back of my hand. The chill of the mist settles on my cheeks, on my eyelashes, making them heavy.
I run faster, zig-zaging between the trees, begging my mind to focus on my burning muscles, on the panting and the physical pain. Not on how I wish I could've cracked Anika's skull with her stupid crystal duck paper weight. How I wish I could've unplugged Steve's PlayStation and thrown it at him. How I wish I could finally tell my mother to shove her opinions up her ass and leave me alone.
But I never do. I strive my very damn best to be a good person so that when I will eventually need it, others would be good to me.
That's bullshit. Karma is bullshit. No matter how good or kind you try to be, you will never receive anything in return. You will just have people taking advantage of you and shitting on you every chance they get.
My foot catches on a gnarly root. I don't have time to break my stride and I plunge headfirst into the undergrowth. Stray branches scratch my face and dead leaves tangle into my hair. I hardly feel the impact with the ground. All I feel is more rage, more hatred that I can't even have this simple little thing. Running without falling.
I get to my hands and knees, doing my damn best to hold down tears. My favorite tracksuit is ripped at the knees.
I scream into the nothingness. It barely takes the edge off. I get to my feet, clench my fists, look up at the rambling clouds and scream again. I scream, and scream, and scream until my throat is raw.
Then I start running again. The least I can do today is finish my round. Then I can go back home and drink until I can't remember anything anymore. It's been happening way too often lately, and I'm pretty sure Steve hasn't even noticed. Or if he did notice, he doesn't care.
The music blares in my ears. My shadow grows longer as it gets dark. I don't care. I can barely see anyway because of the tears.
And then, all of a sudden, everything is a blinding white.
Every cell in my body feels like it's boiling, like I'm on fire, then, for a second, it feels like I'm floating in nothingness.
As sudden as it came, the overwhelming sensations disappear. I'm standing in the middle of the trail, blinking. The music stopped. Too close for comfort, thunder rumbles, like the blast of a cannon. The hairs on my body are raised, as if I'd stuck my hand in an electric socket or something.
Did I... Did I just get struck by lightning?
I raise my arm and glance at my sleeve. There's definitely smoke coming out. It's coming out of all of me.
And yet, I'm alive. I should be dead, but here I am, standing and breathing. Seeing and hearing. Smelling the singed hairs.
Laughter bubbles out, and it's so relieving.
I'm alive! I'm...
I don't even know what to do with myself. I glance up at the clouds. They're grey and furious, moving across the sky like an army of destruction. Another flash of lightning illuminates the forest and I realize it's not as late as I thought. It didn't get dark because night was coming, but due to the storm that I failed to notice, trapped as I was in my depressing thoughts.
The storm is beautiful, turning a familiar landscape into something out of a fantasy novel, shadows being just a tiny bit off. Even as it rumbles on, it doesn't rain. The atmosphere seems to be filled with electricity. The energy of it all is contagious.
Where I last screamed at the sky, I now laugh.
Because I got struck by lightning and I'm alive.
If I survived this, I can do anything!
And the first thing I will do is finish my run. So with renewed sense of purpose, I bend my knees, ready to rush off. I feel full of energy, ready to fly the rest of the way, even if my headphones are probably fried.
The shadow of movement catches the corner of my eye and I straighten. The elation is punctured by fear, and at first, I just listen for any sound. There is nothing except the now distant rumbling of thunder as the storm clouds roll away.
Trying to keep my composure, I slowly turn to face the way I came. The path behind me is much darker than the one awaiting in front. The shadows of the trees are traitorous, and for a moment, I'm sure there's someone there.
"Hello?" I call.
Wouldn't it be the height of irony if I survived lightning and I would now end up dead at the hands of some drifter?
There's no answer. I take half a step closer. The shadows remain unperturbed.
My heart thunders against my ribs, but it's in a strange way, as if it's too excited to continue the run to have patience for my investigation. I decide to heed it, and turn on my heels.
Once I start running again, I listen carefully for any potential sound that could indicate that I'm being followed. When there is none, the load on my shoulders disappears, and I can enjoy my workout again. It was just me being paranoid.
Finally, my mind empties, and I am at peace.
All it took was almost dying to shine the light on how beautiful life could be.
👥
Word count: 1893
Here we go! First chapter which sets up this adorable new novella. And isn't it a doozy! Some days are just horrible, and our dear protagonist had one of the worst. Wouldn't it have been the worst if she would have died? I'm sure nothing happened, though. She will be fine and see the meaning of life and be happy.
Sure...
Thank you for being here and for your support during this difficult time (ONC time)!
I will of course be trying to support anyone who is going to suport me in turn because, unlike my protagonist, I do believe in Karma!