Arriving at the park the next morning, Alex feels a hell of a lot better than she had last night. Hearing about the other girls' dates had been fun - and actually pretty entertaining, 'cause apparently Tyler's dates had ridden a mechanical bull along with their square dancing, and that lead to a lot of jibing and jokes - but she'd still felt burdened by the awkwardness of the earlier conversation. But on the way to the park she'd been seated next to Heather, and as the girls up front chatted, and one of the producers let them play some music to sing along to, Alex had murmured in a low voice, making apologies, saying she'd be there to talk if Heather needed time to decide how she felt about it, overall trying to maintain her policy of open honesty. Which might have worked too well, 'cause there had been a brief moment of panic when Heather's eyes had welled up, and Alex had frantically attempted to stop any tears before they fell. But it had all ended with a hug, the budding friendship repaired, and Alex couldn't be more relieved.
The group date starts well, with Kai explaining how love is a journey, it's not always easy, and blah blah something about how hiking is a metaphor. Sure.
"...And once we reach the top, I've got a little surprise for you," he winks, drawing a cheer from the girls.
But then there's the actual hike.
Alex is used to riding her bike regularly, running courier jobs or app deliveries, things like that, but apparently some of the girls aren't as used to it. So she's ahead of the curve, even ahead of Will weirdly enough, and steadily trekking the path through the park.
-*-
"So I decide to hang back, really try to get a chance to talk to Kai some more." -Will (♠2)
-*-
"Like 'oh, look at how pretty the forest is, this is so nice' that sort of thing. It's not the deepest conversation, but we get to chat a bit, really get a feel for each other's company." -Lizzie (♠8)
-*-
"And Alex just, like, took off. Like just— I don't know if she realized it was a long thing, or— well maybe she just likes to take things fast, I don't know. Maybe she's just competitive. But I'll see her at the top, at least." -Kai
-*-
There's a camera crew already waiting at the top. There's a little bridge to cross over the top of a gushing waterfall, but they stop Alex before she can cross.
"We're just gonna wait for Kai."
"Oh." Alex takes a deep breath, feeling the burn in her calves from the walk. "Okay." Probably another awkward announcement. Group dates are weird.
She isn't waiting long before Will shows, then Brittany, then the rest all clumped around Kai himself, who's nodding sympathetically as Heather talks, on the verge of tears, one of the cameras mere feet away from their faces. He says something to her quietly, holding her hand, then breaks away to jog up to the bridge stairs.
"Okay! So we all made it to the top. Thanks for sticking with me. But now... it's time to take the plunge."
Alex's stomach sinks.
-*-
"I can't jump. I can't do it, it's— I— Just thinking about it, I can't!" -Heather (♠6)
-*-
"...I don't have a problem with heights. ...Just water." -Alex (♠A)
-*-
"Um... how deep is it?" They've been provided with bikinis if they want them, and a little screen to change behind, and Alex took the suit at least, but... There are many reservations.
Kai laughs, and he has a gorgeous smile, seriously. "I promise you won't hit your head on the bottom. It's deep enough, you can dive right in and not touch ground. Totally safe, people do it all the time."
That doesn't help. Though he makes a good point that, if she were jumping, she'd want it to be deep. She hadn't even considered that. It's not about the height, it's about the water. She doesn't like water where she can't touch the bottom. Or even see the bottom. She just... doesn't like it.
"Who's up first?"
Will steps forward with that challenging smirk she so often has (and goddammit, arms again), and shoots off a "See you at the bottom!" before she gets her running start and swan dives down.
"Oh my god," Heather whispers, face gone white. She scoots closer to Alex, because apparently that's her role now, the comfort object, and Alex gets an arm around her, still watching Kai.
Lizzie is up for it, too. And Ashley C. Brittany spends a while paused at the top, unspeaking, but then does it. Emma jumps and squeals all the way down. Carlee goes on about how worried she is that her top will come off - shooting eyes at Kai the whole time - until a producer offers her shirt back, and then Carlee pouts and jumps anyway.
"Alex?" Kai turns expectantly.
Her face goes through a series of emotions, even if Alex isn't quite aware of them. Regret, fear, hope, shame... a number of things. Finally she manages. "I think Heather might need someone to walk her down."
"You sure?"
And then he strips off his shirt, and Alex is reminded of just how good a motherfucking eight-pack looks. And as wistful as she is, she looks down. Goddammit. "I'll meet you at the bottom," she mutters, feeling like an idiot.
-*-
"It's just— It's complicated. I don't like talking about it when I hardly know someone." -Alex (♠A)
-*-
Kai watches her for a moment, looking confused and concerned. "...Okay."
Alex spends the whole walk down feeling so stupid. She's been bungee jumping for Christ's sake, she could jump off a frickin' waterfall. And yet... she can't. She couldn't. Her brain is going in circles, that self-criticizing spiral, even as Heather is thanking her for the company, so she doesn't have to walk down alone.
When they reach the bottom, Heather lights up again and immediately shimmies out of her shorts and runs into the water.
Alex, however, stands at the shore. She sits on a rock, dips her feet, and watches the rest of the girls splashing and having fun. Snapping twigs and crunching rocks only make her more aware of the cameras focusing on her, zooming in on her solitude. She just closes her eyes for a second, tries to push away the thoughts that come to her whenever she's near water like this. One of the girls shrieks and Alex winces, turning her back on the pool, her heart thudding anxiously.
-*-
"Alex is just sitting there, looking like she had a bad breakfast or something. Like, so antisocial. I don't know what's up with that, when every other minute of this she's been so upbeat." -Lizzie (♠8)
-*-
At the sound of footsteps approaching, Alex finally opens her eyes, "Sorry, if you need me to-" But it's not a producer, like she expected. It's Kai. And another camera. "Oh." She manages a smile. "Hey."
"Hey." He's a bit more toned down, approaching her gently as he takes a seat on the neighboring rock, his knees knocking hers. "What's going on?"
Alex waves a hand weakly. "It's nothing, I'm fine. Don't let me ruin the date, you guys were having so much fun out there."
Kai reaches for the other hand, holding it in his. "This isn't just about them, Alex. This is about you, too." He scoots a little closer, and Alex can feel the heat off of him, and tries not to watch the little trickle of water spilling down his abdomen. It's kinda distracting. She likes being distracted. And she likes being touched.
"I really felt a connection to you, Alex. Like a natural attraction."
That has to be a lie. They hardly talked, just got close - though, yes, she's really attracted to him as well. She looks up, legitimately taken aback, searching his face for if he's telling the truth. And maybe he's sincere or maybe he's just a really good liar, but she believes him, and she relaxes a little. He scoots closer again, and she can feel the little goosebumps she gets, the expectant hopeful shivers of being close to someone who's as attracted to her as she is to them.
"What's going on with you? Did something happen?"
Alex shakes her head, but she's rubbing her wrist against the stone she's sitting on, rocking it back and forth over the dates tattooed on her skin. "It's not anything about the show. Or about you. I— I feel that kinda-" her lips quirk and she's blushing a little, rolling her eyes at her inability to name it, "-that sort of thing, too. I mean, that's not it at all."
He smiles, and Christ he's handsome. "I'm glad to hear that." And he sounds sincere, at least. Looking at him, looking into warm dark eyes, he feels sincere. Though her instinct has been wrong before.
Then a hand pulls away from hers, to grab for her other hand, and he turns it over to see what she's been worrying against the rock. "...What's this?"
It's two dates. She's had them there since she was 19.
4.18.92
6.21.10
"They're..." Alex swallows, feeling a chill run through her. It's always so hard to talk about this. Why is this always so difficult? It's been nine fucking years. She leans a little closer to Kai. He's strong and warm and she's always preferred physical comfort. "Um." His hands are holding hers, and the contact is good. "My... my brother."
The silence seems to go on for too long, but her nervous glance is met by those warm eyes, and he rubs his thumbs against her hands until she looks down again. "We... he..." She swallows, and her throat feels raw so she interlocks her fingers with Kai's. "He drowned when I was 16," she finally manages, quietly. "I'm just— water is difficult for me, if I can't touch the bottom. ...It took me years to even be able to go to the pool. Jumping into something that deep is just... it's hard for me." The more she talks, the more she wants to be close to him. Things that hurt her make her want to escape. Physical distractions are the best way.
"I'm so sorry..."
She looks up again, and the pity in his eyes hurts a little bit, but then her attention is drawn to the film crew over his shoulder.
Immediately, her hand comes up to cover her face. "Oh god, the cameras-" She'd forgotten. Somehow. In the midst of talking, the preoccupation with her brother, she'd forgotten that everyone else would see this too. And that's what makes her heart leap into her throat. That had been the thing that let her be free, when people didn't know about Michael. Didn't know what she'd done to him, that she'd let him die.
"No, shh, come on-" Kai's hand is on her face, shading her from seeing the crew to her right, and the other holds her wrist again. "It's okay, Alex."
Her eyes are welling up. Goddammit. She swallows hard, nods once, looks down. Anxiety has her heart beating faster, but her wires are all crossed and she just wants to make something else more important.
She doesn't cry. She pushes that down, holding onto his wrist as he holds hers, their legs tangled together between them. Closeness is good. Her head is half fog and half pinging nerves, and she knows she isn't thinking clearly, but there's warmth spilling off of him and she's so aware of it. Is he?
Alex glances up, as if to check, and her pupils are already blown, eyes too wide, not quite panicking. Her gaze traces over his face, and she tries to ignore the pity side of things, to focus on that other side of him, something that has him leaning closer to her, too.
"It's okay."
And then they're kissing.
-*-
In the confessional, Alex's head is in her hands. "I don't know. It just happened." She doesn't look distraught exactly, but there's a regret in her face as she shakes her head. "I was upset, and I needed to be closer, and then we were kissing..." She shrugs weakly. "I just wish it hadn't happened like that. I don't want to be the girl that got a pity kiss."
-*-
"Alex really bared her soul to me. That means a lot. And she's so gorgeous, and it was so moving to see her like that, so vulnerable. I just felt this compassion spilling out of me, like I needed to let her know she wasn't in this alone. We really connected in that kiss. It gave me a lot to think about." -Kai
-*-
"So I thought we had an alliance, but then... Alex is kissing him. So maybe I had it wrong." -Will (♠2)
-*-
"I don't think Alex was trying to sabotage me by comforting me on the date. I know, looking at Kai, that he probably would have done the same for me, but I don't think she was purposefully getting in the way of that. Honestly, I really like Alex. I like Kai, but I haven't gotten a chance to really build a connection with him. I wish she hadn't done that in front of all of us, though." -Heather (♠6)
-*-
"So Miss 'sex-isn't-love' is suddenly all hot and heavy with Kai. Like... okay. So that's how she's gonna be?" -Brittany (♠9)
-*-
"I can't really be mad at her. I would've done the same thing." -Ashley C (♠7)
-*-
They're actually kissing for more than a few seconds. It's not like she's shoving her tongue down his throat, it's pretty tame, but it's more than one kiss. They break apart, and Kai shoots her a gentle smile that she returns.
"I'm really glad you told me, Alex. Thank you."
Alex winces, suddenly blushing, and her smile turns to an embarrassed crooked grin. "God— I can't believe I actually— Wow, that's a lot to unpack, I'm so sorry for springing that on you on our first date," she laughs weakly, rolling her eyes. "What a first impression, yikes."
Kai's smile is wide and warm and open. "Aw, come on." He's holding her hand in his again, bouncing it a little. "You don't regret it already, do you? Am I that bad?"
Alex raises a brow with a cheeky smirk, "Hmm, dunno, might need to check again..."
Kai laughs, Alex snickers, and he excuses himself to go check on the other girls. Alex smiles after him, wrapping her arms around herself to help with the sudden disappearance of his warmth.
-*-
"So what happened between you and Kai?" Heather is wrapped up in one of the towels Production was offering, sitting hip to hip with Alex on her rock.
"Um," Alex glances down, rolling her eyes. "I was just— I was upset about something and he was being really nice about it, that's all. It's kinda personal."
"I mean, you've seen me in an acrophobic panic attack," Heather points out, and even if she's being casual she still sounds kinda hurt.
Alex slips an arm around her again. "Heather, you're super sweet and I love you, but it's really not something I like to talk about with other people."
Heather leans her head against Alex's shoulder. "Yeah but I'm not other people, I'm Heather," she pouts.
Alex snorts. "That's such a stupid excuse, oh my god," she laughs, giving the girl a reassuring squeeze. "Maybe later. Get me drunk and sad or something, I don't know," her free arm shrugs, leaning her head against Heather's. They just are that close now, apparently. Guess that's what happens when you go out of your way to comfort someone who's struggling. ...Which is a thought that immediately makes her blush, thinking of Kai. A very different kind of comforting, there...
-*-
Based on the conversations they've been having, most girls seem to be hedging their bets, playing it close to the chest, not letting others know who their favored Kings are. Their votes, like for who they wanted to have their group date with, have all been secret, dropping chips into boxes in an empty room. Alex understands why she does it, and assumes others could be for the same reason.
She's still not sure who she likes best. She doesn't know them well enough.
But also... The more Kings think she's interested in them, the more opportunities she has to stay. And then, even if she's not the favored person for her King of choice, she's at least getting more chances to make her mark. Letting other girls know you have a favorite means getting accused of leading the others on. Which is why such a public action as kissing Kai in front of the rest of her date may have put a target on Alex's back.
But, at least so far, she still feels relatively secure with her own Suitmates. At least some of them. Will had given her a look, but hadn't been rude or anything. Heather, of course, was still Heather. And Alex still feels comfortable with Ashley C, too— more than Brittany or Emma, anyway. Ashley has a very even-keeled attitude; diplomatic, almost.
When they get back from the group date it's lunch time, and time for a house meeting. Even the girls from Suit Hearts are invited up from the Poorhouse for a group talk. There are cameras present, of course, but they seem to be there just in case, rather than covering any announcement. The topic at hand (for once) isn't the Kings. Instead, they get a talk about cooking, cleaning, shower schedules - like a rundown of how to be a good roommate during this whole experience. It's almost refreshing. And it's nice to get a chance to talk, once the meeting is over, with the other girls Alex hasn't gotten a chance to really talk to yet.
Most seem generally likeable, though there are a few that rub Alex the wrong way. Carla, for one— the one who'd hired a hair and makeup team for her introduction. And Alex is wary of Becca and Jenna, the most competitive of Suit Clubs and Hearts respectively. She also gets a chilly vibe off of Amber, from Suit Diamonds, who looks impeccable all the time, even with extra long acrylic nails that could poke an eye out. Most of the suits seem to have already formed little cliques, which makes Alex vaguely uneasy. She prefers to float between groups in any social situation; being excluded from something like that could cause an awful lot of anxiety, if the timing is bad.
On the plus side, she's also managed to chat more with others, like Dani, who have a similar outgoing attitude to hers, who are willing to chat about things other than the boys. It helps that Alex has appointed herself bartender of the house and is offering mixed drinks. It also helps that she's overtly complimentary of other girls' outfits, hair, makeup - in general, she's not trying to cold-shoulder anyone.
She's asked more than once about her kiss with Kai. The explanation she gives is similar to what she told Heather: she was upset about something personal, and Kai comforted her, and then it just happened. That's all, he's just a very sweet guy.