"It was definitely the green car."
My eyes widen in astonishment at the blatant words that escape the boy's lips.
"The car was most definitely not the green one. It was black and it had a bend on the left back door."
"It was green."
"No it wasn't! I remember she always had Loubitons on. Her car was black."
My breath is a little bit heavier than I'd like.
The boy who sits before me starts laughing hysterically and do not ignore the urge to roll my eyes.
"I spent a lot of time at home. Trust me, it was black."
His laughter stops and a more serious expression makes a rare appearance. I hate how familiar I've gotten with that look.
This is the part Evin asks me a serious question that entails my wellbeing.
I take a piece of bacon to someone escape his stare. We were just talking about our old neighbor Julius and the many female visitors he used to have but of course Evin found a way to make the conversation serious.
I wait for the question to come.
"Yeah, I remember that. Always walking the dog on your own or working on the garden."
A pregnant silence ensues. I know he wants to ask or comment on something but he won't actually do it.
Usually I change the subject, but today,
"I never really had a lot of friends, I was never good at making them."
It would be so easy to blame Olli for the fact that I stayed home by myself for the majority of our marriage, but I didn't have to stay home.
I could've easily went out and made friends, I could've picked up a hobby, but I stayed indoor and expected Olli to do that too and that wasn't fair.
"What about you? I don't remember you being very outgoing yourself."
Evin has always been a very reserved person, at least I'm realising now.
He was my neighbor and I hardly knew much about him. To be fair, we never really talked about our personal lives.
I was his weird younger neighbor who got close to his daughter.
"Yeah, I wasn't. Still not if I'm being honest. When we met... I was going through some stuff. And instead of letting myself face my problems, I dove deeper and deep into work. I mean that got me La Chèvre and of course that's going great but Jess can barely stand the site of me now.
She's always been so strong, I guess I didn't think she would need more than just therapy to deal with the fact that her mother didn't want us anymore.
I'm sorry... I'm not outgoing."
I smile at his outburst because I've never seen him so open before, it's refreshing.
Evin always looks like he's got his shit together.
"You don't need to apologize. And honestly, I'm the last person to even begin to judge you. Where is Jess?"
I haven't seen her since before my divorce. We used to be so close until we weren't. She probably thinks I abandoned her.
"She's at her mom's, staying there for school. I guess Angi decided she was ready to be a mother again, and Jess was happy to have a parent that was more dependable."
"Hey..."
"It's true. I mean it sucked to see her with her mom like that. Like she wasn't the same person that decided to leave us without as much as a goodbye. But maybe if I was a better father then she'd be here.
When you came in the picture... that was the happiest I'd seen her in a long time."
It's not difficult to tell that Evin is someone who struggles with revealing his emotions.
"I remember the first time I saw you with her."
My attention is once again stolen by his monotonous voice.
"I thought you were a friend, you looked her age."
I chuckle lightly. I will take that as a compliment.
"She talked about you so much, and I guess one day I asked what classes she shared with you and she laughed, that's when I found out who you were. You were the lonely neighbor from next door."
I can't stop the erratic beating of my heart at his reveal.
"Turns out I'd seen you before, just not so close by. You were the beautiful and mysterious lady next door.
I remember the day you first came to the house... your husband was so happy and you were so distant."
I remember the day very well.
Olli surprised me with this massive house, and though I had a smile on my face, my mind couldn't stop thinking about the sudden life we were ankling toward.
The people we were becoming and how far we'd gotten from where we used to be and what 'happiness' used to be for us.
But I had to smile because my husband had done this incredible thing for me, for us.
"You didn't like the house."
"That's not true."
I defend.
I loved that he wanted to make me happy, and the house was comfortable, and,
"It was... big. Lonely. And again, it didn't have to be because I could've easily went out and enjoyed myself."
"But you wanted to just be at home with your husband."
Evin says, causing the erratic beating in my chest to return.
I did. I just wanted to be at home and lazy around with my husband... just like we used to do.
Watch romcoms and trashy reality shows, some days we'd watch his sports.
I look around the small diner we're currently in. This was supposed to be a calming breakfast after the morning I had. But I don't know if I hate the conversation we're having.
The one that sucks about not having friends is you lack perspective. Second opinion.
I pride myself in being able to view a situation from different angles but I can biased against myself.
"The last time I saw you... I mean you look great but."
He stops himself and I'm grateful for that.
We both know what happened the last time we saw each other and it doesn't need to be repeated. I'm not proud of my actions and doubt he is too.
"I'm better now."
I simply choose to say. That's all that matters right?
"I can see that. You seem happier and healthier."
Debatable.
"And somehow more beautiful than back then."
The earlier butterflies make a sharp return in my belly as my cheeks turn rosy.
Not knowing how to respond to the compliment, I hear myself ask,
"So is your ex fully back in your life now?"
I instantly regret my words but it's too late to take them back.
So I sit on the chair awkwardly waiting for him to answer.
"She got married... has 2 young boys. She left us and somehow she won."
He says and I tilt my head slightly at his response.
Seeing this, he defends,
"Jesse. Even after all those years she wasn't around she's still the better parent."
My heart mourns for him. Even though he doesn't say, I can tell he was deeply hurt by her leaving.
"Well it's not too late to make up for it. You weren't the best parent you could be then, but you can be done."
I see a smile sneak its way to his lips and I mimic him.
"How could he ever let you go?"
I don't think he meant to say that out loud.
"I'm sorry, it just doesn't make sense to me. Izzy, you are perfect."
Do I tell him? Or do I let him put me on a pedestal?
I'm not perfect, I'm far from it.
If I was perfect I wouldn't have cheated on Olli, regardless of the reason.
I don't even know if I want to be perfect.
"Jess never stopped talking about you. And I didn't get it until I met you."
He continues to compliment and I feel backed up in a corner with each passing moment.
I want to desperately escape his gaze as he sees the world in me.
I wish I could look at myself the way he looks at me. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that again.
"When you got her the job, she suddenly had something to look forward to."
My heart begs for him to stop but of course he does the opposite of that.
"I thought it was just a distraction at first. That the unresolved feelings would back to haunt her eventually but it turned out to be consistent occurrence. Maybe she needed a pattern, maybe I needed a pattern too.
You coming into our lives was gift."
He continues to dig a hole in my heart. I don't know if I can even tell the truth at this point.
"So yeah, I don't get it... what a loss..."
"I cheated on him."
The words blurt through my lips.
A part of me wants to take it bag, to let him think I'm as perfect as he thought I was, but a bigger part of me is relieved that to let the truth out.
He's imperfect himself, he admitted it - surely he can understand our flawed nature as humans,
I desperately want him to see past the silly mistake I made at a low point in my life. I want him to be the one person from my past who doesn't look at me like I'm a monster.
I have been punished enough and I think it's about time that I can officially be happy.
Even though I'm imperfect and I've made mistakes, I can still be happy and possibly find love again, right?
"Oh."
The disappointment on his face couldn't be hidden if he tried.
Of course that's a red flag. If you've done it once you can do it again, right?
I've always promised myself that I would never find myself in a situation where I even felt like I had to cheat just to feel wanted.
But convincing that to other people is the hard task.
Judging by Evin's reaction, he's not convinced that I'm not a serial cheater.
I can see he's already lost interest just from my revelation. And maybe that's ok.
"Should we leave?"
I break the deafening silence.
I can practically hear the disappointment that oozes out of him. He put me on an impossible pedestal and now he found out I'm as imperfect as they come.
As we leave the diner, I let the painfu
• Evin asks Izzy a question about the past as they're sitting having breakfast.
• Reflect on their last moment together.
• Izzy thinks back on that time, she's secretive about something, she doesn't wanna tell Evin (to be revealed in future chapter)
• Evin disturbs her thoughts by telling her of the first moment she saw her, it was when they moved. She looked... distant
• Izzy is surprised by the reveal. She remembers the day very well.
• They talk about Evin's daughter who's currently with her mom. The mom came back into the picture. She's married.
• They talk about how hard it is seeing their former significant others moved on. They agree they both want to find happiness.
• The two share a moment, until Evin asks why she got a divorce. She admits she cheated.
• She catches the disappointment in Evin's eyes as he suddenly loses interest. She realizes her past is truly something that will haunt her forever.