A/N: Helloooo, its been a long time since I've wrote and published a fic but I just couldn't not write this because I'm still in denial over the fact that upstead are actually divorced.
I miss them so much so i thought i would write a fix it fic for 11x01 and see where it goes
Title is from Us by James Bay
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After the wreckage
After the dust
I still hear the howling, I still feel the rush
Over the riots, above all the noise
Through all the worry, I still hear your voice
So, tell me how to be in this world
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt
Tell me how 'cause I believe in something
I believe in us
Tell me when the light goes out
That even in the dark we will find a way out
Tell me now 'cause I believe in something
I believe in us
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Jay felt like he had been shot in the chest. This was the last thing he was expecting when he opened his mail, okay maybe he was expecting it a little bit but it still stung.
He stared down at the papers in his hands, is this really what she wanted?
Divorce, she wanted a divorce.
If that's what she wanted then he would give it to her, all he wanted was for her to be happy and if divorcing him was what made her happy then he would give that to her.
One of his team mates in the unit came up to him and clapped him on the back.
"Anything interesting?" Samuel asked before seeing the papers in his hands "oh shit Jay, man sorry, I-"
"It's okay Sam, honestly" Jay gave the younger man a sad smile.
"Hey you know i can take your place today if you want to stay here?"
"Thanks for the offer but i'm good, i would rather be out there"
"You uh you gonna sign them?"
"If that's what she wants"
"Maybe you should talk to he-"
"MEN, WERE LEAVING" came their sergeant's voice.
"Catch you later Sam" Jay told him and gave him a small tap on the shoulder, shoved the papers back into his pigeon hole and made his way over to their sergeant for their next mission.
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Hailey stared at the boxes around her new apartment, well new was a bit of a stretch. She had been there five months, almost six and had yet to unpack pretty much everything, she was still pulling her clothes out of boxes every morning and only putting them away after she had washed them.
She hasn't let herself cry with the lawyer, she hadn't let herself cry when she got the papers and she hadn't let herself cry when she mailed them off to Jay a few weeks back.
She didn't know when he would get them but they were sent now and everything was on him.
Somewhere deep down she hoped that it made him realise the full extent of what he had done, maybe he hasn't got it from the broken up phone calls they very rarely shared.
Maybe he hasn't gotten it because he couldn't see the way she was looking at him with sad eyes on one of the two times they had managed to facetime each other in the first couple of months after he left.
Maybe he just hadn't gotten it.
But maybe he had, maybe this was what he wanted and this would be the end of them.
Maybe this was just how their story ended.
She loved him with all her heart, he was the love of her life but she wasn't sure if the damage that had been done was repairable.
It started with her taking off her ring and now she had filed for divorce.
The life that she had imagined with him was gone, disappearing from her thoughts.
She couldn't hold on anymore, not if it was going to be like this.
She couldn't do it anymore, she couldn't hold on to the thought of a life she would never have, a life that she wanted with him but he couldn't give it to her, not when he was a million miles away and they hadn't spoken to each other in months.
She held out for the eight months, then nine, and ten and eleven and now it was reaching a year and she just couldn't do it anymore.
Maybe this would make him come back, maybe this would end their story, maybe their story had already ended.
She sat down on the edge of her (their) bed and sighed, as she ran her hand over the sheets, they had shared so many great memories in this bed, some extremely intimate moments and others where they were just being them, and now she was alone in her bed, in a new apartment, still trying to cling onto the life that she maybe could've had.
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Jay came back from his mission four days later, the papers still sitting in his pigeon hole, waiting to be signed.
He grabbed them out and held them tight while finding somewhere to sit so he could read them over.
He found an empty table in the corner of their eating area and sat down, by now word had spread, thanks to Samuel accidentally telling the wrong person about what he had seen so everyone let him be.
It's not like it would take long for it to spread anyways, there wasn't that many of them there, but still it annoyed him, the looks of pity he got from the others just made his skin crawl, he didn't need pity, it was all his own fault, he left her, essentially she was a single women from the moment he extended his stay.
He knew this day would probably come sooner or later but it still hit him like a ton of bricks.
He read carefully over the papers, and then signed the front page where it requested his signature.
Divorce without children was displayed on the front page.
This threw him through a loop, him and Hailey had, had casual conversations about kids before, when they were friends and once they were together, being with her had changed his whole outlook on what he wanted in his future, they had talked about having a couple of kids in the future maybe and it had lead him to think about what it would be like to be a father to a mini Hailey but of course he had to go and ruin it.
He wanted to scream, he wanted to hit things, he just wanted all of this to stop, but it was too late, it was too late for that he had gone and thrown it all down the drain by leaving and not talking to her, his wife. She was his wife, they were supposed to be in this together and he took it upon himself to make this decision by himself without talking with her first.
The papers were thing that finally made him realise that he had fucked up so bad that there was no going back, she didn't want to be with him anymore, she wanted to be free.
And she deserved that, he wanted her to have everything she deserved and she deserved better than he could ever give her.
He put the papers back into the envelope it came with to send back, Hailey's new address on it.
He knew that she had moved, they had spoken about it pretty briefly around 7 months ago, Hailey had told him that she didn't want to stay there anymore, that it was too big and now maybe a little too expensive to keep with him gone so she was going to sell and downsize.
He agreed of course, he didn't know when he would be going back to Chicago so he told her to do what she thinks is best and that was the end of the conversation.
Still, not seeing the address that they used to share hurt, it was like another piece of his heart shattered, another piece of the life with her gone, the life that he ruined.
He dropped the envelope off to be posted, not taking a second look at it otherwise he didn't know what he would do.
He was angry, frustrated, annoyed, devastated at himself and at the situation he had put them in.
Luckily for him no one was in their gym area so he could be as free as he wanted to with his workout, not that he actually wanted to work out he just needed to let off some steam and the best way to do that was hit a punching bag and so he did.
He didn't know long he had been in there till Samuel and another member of the team who he had taken under his wing walked in, Theo, the kid was only about twenty two, wanting to do something good with his life and he just gravitated towards Jay the minute they met.
"What did that punching bag ever do to you?" Theo asked, trying to lighten the mood.
"Sorry I- I just..." Jay trailed off not knowing what to say.
"You okay Halstead? I know that's probably a stupid question but still I have to ask" Sam spoke, treading carefully with his words.
"I'm okay, I uh I just needed to clear my head, it's okay" Jay tried to reassure them but they could tell by the way his voice cracked he most definitely wasn't okay.
"You can talk to us Jay" Theo told him "you've looked out for us the entire time you've been here and we're more than happy to return the favour man"
"I really appreciate it, you guys, I do but I just, I can't" He sighed, fiddling with the black band on his ring finger.
"So you didn't sign them then?" Sam looked hopeful, hoping that his friend could sort out everything that was going on in his personal life.
"I signed them, dropped them off to be posted already" Jay told the pair of younger men standing in front of him.
"Oh" Sam deflated, feeling sad for his mentor.
"I'm gonna take it off, I just, I need time" he told them.
"We get it Jay" Theo gave him a sad smile.
"Did you talk to her?" Sam pushed a little bit.
"No, she wants a divorce so i'm gonna give that to her she deserves better than anything I can give her"
"Jay..." Sam shook his head at his friend "you should talk to her"'
"There's nothing to talk about Sam, she wanted a divorce so I'm giving her the last thing she wants"
"Jay I'm pretty sure she just wants her husband back" Theo told him "you know she loves you and cares about you, why would she be calling you all the time if she didn't, she probably just wants to talk to you and see what you want, this was an opportunity for you to tell her that you want to be with her and you want to make things right"
"Theo she filed, it's what she wants and besides she hasn't called me for like a month anyways" Jay shrugged trying to get them off his back.
"Dude, I know you're not that stupid" Sam spoke this time "she's not calling you anymore because you don't answer, she probably thinks this is what you want" Sam told him putting extra emphasis on the you.
"I just, I can't talk to you guys about this right now, I know you two think you're trying to help and I appreciate it but I can't deal with this right now okay?" Jays voice was stern, but not rude, just letting them know he wanted to be left alone.
"Sarge sent us to tell you to come get your food by the way" Theo told him before they walked away, leaving Jay alone with the punching bag, which suffered a hard sucker punch to the middle before Jay dropped to the floor.
He just sat on the floor alone with his thoughts, maybe they were right, maybe he did need to talk to Hailey but it definitely wasn't something he could do over a phone call when the connection wasn't reliable ninety percent of the time.
It was at that moment Jay decided to take the advice of his friends and realised he needed to go home.
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It was a Friday evening when Hailey checked her mailbox after a long shift of paperwork, when she found the envelope she had sent with the divorce papers sitting inside.
Something in her hoped that he had sent it back unsigned with some sort of letter telling her that he would be home soon and they would figure it out like they always used to do.
But that wasn't the case.
She opened up the envelope the second her apartment door was shut behind her and it resulted in her throwing them across the room after seeing Jay's signature at the bottom, leaving one space left open for her to sign.
She slid down her door and pulled her knees to her chest letting out a painful sob, she couldn't hold it in anymore, she just couldn't, her head was spinning. This was all too much, too painful, too complicated, just too damn much.
He wanted a divorce, he didn't want to be her husband anymore, he wanted to stay out there and do what he's doing.
Why would he do this to her? she's supposed to be the love of his life and he's throwing it all away? For what?
She sobbed and sobbed on the floor until she couldn't anymore. she doesn't remember pulling herself off the floor and going to bed, she felt like she was in a trance again, the same way she had felt when Jay had first left, but worse, much much worse.
She didn't want to lose him, he was the person that meant the most to her in this world but maybe she wasn't that for him.
Her colleagues all noticed something was up with her the next day but no one mentioned anything specific, they all just checked up on her in their own way.
And a couple weeks went by until she figured she had to mail them, she couldn't hold off any longer, so she grabbed them and took them to work with her.
She got so wrapped up in the case she had come across with the psych unit she had forgotten to put the papers in her drawer, which lead to a shitty conversation with Voight about her mailing them and she did, throwing the envelope into the basket of mail on Trudy's front desk and buried herself in work.
That was it, she was divorced, her and Jay were divorced, no more for better or for worse, no more in sickness and in health, no more cherishing each other always, they were over.
Not only had she lost her husband she had lost her best friend as well. He was the person she would go to if things got hard, they would do their thing and it would make her feel somewhat better.
And she fell for him, hard, she had never loved someone the way she loves him.
Yes loves, she'll always love him, always, he will always hold a special place in her heart after everything he has done and been for her even if the last year he put her through hell, it doesn't take away from everything before.
Jay Halstead will always be special to her no matter what.
One day she hopes they can reconcile and maybe be friends, but she doesn't know when he'll be back or if he'll be back so she just had to hold off on that hope because she couldn't be disappointed again.
What Hailey didn't know is that Trudy had watched her slam those papers down into the basket and she wouldn't be Trudy Platt if she didn't take a look.
Trudy knew about the divorce, she had discussed it briefly with Hailey when the blonde had come to her for some advice but ultimately shut down half way through the conversation and told Trudy to forget about it.
Trudy picked up the packet and looked at the address, it was to the courts, this was their divorce papers and if Hailey was mailing them to the courts that means Jay signed them.
Jay Halstead you son of a bitch she thought to herself.
She didn't know how Jay was feeling but she knew how Hailey was, she could see it in the woman's eyes, in the way she carried herself since Jay had left, she was a shell of herself.
Trudy loved Jay, he was like a son to her, and Hailey was like her daughter and she'd be damned if she let the pair throw everything they had away.
So Trudy kept the packet for safe keeping and would do something about it later.
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Hailey had just washed off the day, the last couple of days or tried to when she decided that now it was time to try and move on, move on from Jay, move on from feeling like this, move on from everything that was dragging her down.
But she couldn't.
Especially not after seeing that picture with her leaning on Jay next to Adam.
She wished she could go back to every good moment they had together and just savour it a little more. Every moment they had together, every should touch, every elbow squeeze, every hug, every kiss, every time they had sex.
She wished she had savoured them just a little bit more.
She missed everything about him, his eyes, his freckles, the stubble he sometimes had that he would tickle her with, his cologne, his hoodies, stealing his pens, that damn ranger's mug which she had thrown into storage with the rest of his things.
In a fit of frustration, she kicked out at the boxes knocking over a lap, the glass bulb shattering everywhere.
Trying to pick it up, it ended up digging into her hand, drawing a speck of blood, typical.
Then came a few knocks on the door, startling her "yeah uh one sec" she called out before opening the door to find Trudy standing outside.
"Hey" Hailey said in confusion.
"Hey" Trudy replied, looking down at the glass and blood in Haileys hand and giving her a sad look.
"What are you doing here?" Hailey asked "sorry were you trying to call me?" she panicked thinking they had picked up a case or she had done her paperwork wrong.
"Nope" Trudy replied, walking into the apartment and going to clean up the broken glass from the floor.
"It's okay I got that" Hailey told her.
"No it's fine" Trudy said picking up the glass and putting it into the lid of a box "here we go" she said continuing to clean.
"I got it, I got it, you're not cleaning up my apartment Trudy" Hailey told her "I got it" Hailey waved her off and Trudy let her finish cleaning it.
"You've been here six months?" Trudy questioned looking around at the boxes that covered the small studio apartment.
"Yeah" Hailey told her as she finished cleaning the broken glass "um can i get you something to drink?" Hailey asked standing up "i think i only have whatever, this thing is but—"
"I'm good Hailey, thank you though"
"You can uh, you can sit if you want" Hailey gestured to the couch and Trudy took her up on the offer, taking her coat off before sitting down.
"What happened to the lamp?" Trudy questioned.
"I uh I had a moment, but I'm okay" Hailey reassured the older woman, who could see right through her.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure... maybe, I don't know" Hailey sighed "with Cam I was so angry and I missed it all, he was telling me what happened and it was right in front of me but I let my anger get the best of me and I missed it"
"Hailey everyone misses things"
"I don't, I wasn't calm with Cam and I missed it, it was all right in front of me Trudy, and I just, I missed it" Hailey rambled as she paced back and forth "I got angry and I don't know why, lately I'm just angry and I'm not mad at Jay I'm really not, I'm just angry and I don't know why, I should be good, I should be moving on by now, we all should be moving on right? but I'm not and I don't know why. I..."
"Hailey, come sit down" Trudy told her and Hailey did as she was told.
"You move on at your own pace, you move on when you want to and are ready to move on and by the looks of things.." Trudy's eyes scanned the small apartment "you're not ready and nor do you want to move on"
"I need to move on Trudy, he doesn't care, he's not coming back, he signed..." Hailey trailed off as her voice broke not wanting to admit that her and Jay were actually divorcing.
"He signed the divorce papers" Trudy finished for her and Hailey nodded.
"And I mailed them, so we're officially divorced now" Hailey wiped a few tears that had fallen from her cheeks.
"You put the envelope in my basket, you didn't mail it"
"What do you mean?" Hailey shot her a confused look and Trudy took her coat in her lap and pulled out an envelope that had been filed in half to fit in her pocket, the envelope that Hailey had put in the basket on her desk.
"Trudy, why would you?..." confused wasn't the word to describe it, shocked maybe, Hailey didn't know what to say.
"I saw the way you slammed it into the basket and I thought maybe you hadn't thought it through properly, you were angry when you put it in, I just wanted you to have a chance to think it through"
"He signed them and sent the back and I didn't hear anything else from him I think his decision is very clear"
"Or maybe he's doing what he thinks you want him to do"
"W-what?"
"You sent him the papers, maybe in his head he's signing them because he thinks you'll be better off once you've divorced him, I've never seen that man look at anyone the way he looks at you, he loves you Hailey and he might not be very good at showing it right now but that type of love doesn't just disappear, not even after everything you two have been through, that's the type of love that lives forever" Trudy told her.
"I don't know what to do Trudy" Hailey cried "I really don't know what to do, how do I fix it?" Trudy pulled her daughter figure into a hug and held her while she cried, soothing her.
"I think you should just talk to him, I know he's hard to reach at the moment but you two need to talk, you have to, you need to find out what he wants exactly and he needs to know what you want exactly, and then if divorce is still the only option then you divorce, but what happens if you both realise you don't want to divorce"
"You think he just signed them because he thinks that's what I want and he wants to make me happy?"
"Yes I do and would you be happy with a divorce?"
"No" Hailey shook her head "the last year has been absolute hell but he's still, he's still Jay, I still love him and I don't think I'll ever stop loving him"
"Then tell him that, try and talk to him Hailey, just try, you guys cannot work this out without talking and you need to talk, you know I love you both dearly and I wouldn't have taken that envelope if I didn't think I was doing the right thing"
"Thank you" Hailey pulled away from Trudy's embrace so she could see her "I really do appreciate you and everything you do for me, I'm glad I have you in my life Trudy"
"I'm here for you always Hailey, you know that"
"I know" Hailey gave her a small smile
"I can call him if you want me to, give him a stern talking to, tell him to get his head out of his ass and see how much he's hurting you?"
"Thanks but no, I think I need to be the one to talk to him, I'll try in a couple days when I feel okay enough to talk to him, I just need some time, especially after everything that happened with Cam and almost sending those papers off, thank you for that by the way, Voight just got into my head after he saw them on my desk and I just felt like I had to post them because of him"
"You take your time but don't take too long, talk to him, let him hear what he's done to you, let him have it, he needs to hear it Hailey, I don't think he's grasping what's happening here with you"
"I will, thank you"
"And if Voight ever, and I mean ever gets into your head, you come to me and we talk it out okay? don't let him dictate your life Hailey, ever, he's a good friend of mine, but he has not right to be messing with your head and in your life, after everything" Hailey knew what she meant by that, she knew Trudy was talking about Roy Walton, the guy who Voight practically forced Hailey to kill and then cover for him when he buried the body, Trudy knew what happened because she also helped cover for Voight, but she'd be damned if she let Hailey fall down that same rabbit hole again with Voight, she cared about the younger woman way too much to let it happen.
She already let it happen with Jay, which resulted in everything that has happened in the past year, Voight broke the pair of them and Trudy knew it, she couldn't let that man ruin their lives even more than he already had.
"I will, I promise" Hailey said softly.
"I can take these with me and you can give me the word to mail them or shred them after you talk to him or I can leave them here and you can do what you want with them"
"Can you uh can you take them, I can't stand looking at them, I need to have space from everything and them being here, I just can't..."
"I've got you" Trudy told her and gave Haileys shoulder a squeeze "I'll let you be, you need your rest" Trudy told her and got up and pulled her coat on "but I'm just a call away if you need me" Hailey nodded and walked her desk sergeant to the door.
"And you don't have to come in tomorrow unless we catch a case, take the day to rest, I'll deal with Voight about the day off" Trudy told her as she was walking out the door.
"Thank you I appreciate it"
"You get your rest now okay but when you're back in we can talk about having you over for dinner with Randal and me, he was asking about you the other day"
"That'll be nice, I've been meaning to check up on him but my minds been so preoccupied, tell him I send my love and I'd love to have dinner soon okay?"
"Will do, good night Hailey"
"Good night Trudy" Hailey shut the door behind her and looked around the apartment, the boxes she could deal with tomorrow, right now she just needed to sleep.
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Jay didn't eat after realising he needed to go home but the second he mustered up the strength to get up off the floor he went straight to his sergeant's office and asked for the next available leave.
His sergeant knew what was happening so granted him his leave in a instant, he would be leaving in three days and it would take him at least two days to get there with the travelling to the airport, which was about a days car ride away from where he was currently based and the plane journey being fourteen hours.
In five days he would see Hailey, but right now his sergeant had him filling out all his paperwork and pulling his weight the next few days around the base to make sure they would be able to cope with one man down.
And soon enough it was time for him to leave, he said his goodbyes to his fellow team members, spending a little extra time with Sam and Theo, thanking them for telling him straight and not tiptoeing around the situation like everyone else on the base had done.
When Jay got to the airport he was exhausted but full of adrenaline at the same time, he didn't know how that was possible, but apparently it was.
And before he knew it he was on the plane, fourteen hours had passed and he was back in Chicago.
He couldn't get out of that airport fast enough, the cold Chicago air hit him with force, he forgot how cold it got here. He stood on the sidewalk not actually knowing what to do, he didn't have a place to live anymore, seeing as Hailey had moved. He could call her but he's not sure how she would react to him calling her, especially at this time, she would probably be at work.
So he opted for Trudy, he scrolled through his contacts and clicked on Trudy's name and the line rang once before she picked up.
"Jay Halstead" Trudy's voice came from the other end of the phone.
"Hey sarge"
"What's happening? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm-" Jay cut himself off.
"You're what?"
"I'm back in Chicago"
"Y-you're what?" Trudy questioned seeing as she had only talked with Hailey about the divorce papers back the night before and the blonde had told her she would call her husband within the next few days to try and figure out everything between them, it was impossible for Hailey to have been the one to get Jay to come back.
"Yeah I uh, I don't know if you know but Hailey sent me divorce papers and like an idiot I signed them and sent them back without even talking to her about why she filed, some of the guys over there talked some sense into be so now... now I'm back"
"Well at least you got the fact that you're an idiot right" Jay let out a small chuckle at this.
"I know I am sarge, I should've called her, I should've done a million different things"
"She's really broken you know"
"I know, and I want to fix it. I just don't know how, how can I fix it?"
"You can fix it by talking to her, she not at work today, she's at her apartment, you should go see her" Trudy told him.
"The only thing is i don't know her new address"
"Ahh, okay, i'll text it to you"
"Thanks sarge"
"You're welcome, and just to let you know she's been through the ringer on a tough case that we just closed yesterday so she might not be very responsive to you"
"That's why she's not at work" Jay put the pieces together.
"Mhm" Trudy confirmed "and as much as I'm annoyed at you right now, Randall and I have a spare room you can use till you get back on your feet, once you've talked with Hailey come over" she told him it was more of an order than an offer.
"I uh okay" Jay didn't know what else to say "thanks sarge"
"Oh don't thank me because I have some words for you when I see you"
"I figured"
"Go talk to her"
"I will"
"See you later Jay"
"Bye Trudy"
Jay hit the end button and looked at his texts, Haileys new address, he roughly knew where it was but he couldn't quite pinpoint it exactly. He hailed a cab and jumped in, reading off Haileys address to the driver as he pulled away.
The driver tried to make a bit of small talk but Jay wasn't really interested, his heart was racing, there were a million thoughts flying through his head, he was fidgeting the whole ride there.
After what felt like a million years the cab finally pulled up outside of Haileys new apartment building, Jay paid and thanked the driver telling him to keep the change and jumped out of the cab.
He stood in front of the building wondering what was in store for him when he saw a person exit and he took that as his chance to get in the building, he wanted to get to her front door at least, he figured she might just not let in if he pressed call on her door number.
Jay pulled out his phone and read the address again, apartment number 201 he scanned the wall and he found a sign that said apartments 201 to 206 were on the second floor.
He opted for the elevator, and hit the button that said two, it didn't take very long for him to reach the second floor and walked down the hall a little till he found 201.
He inhaled and exhaled and then inhaled and exhaled once again. He was about to see his wife (his ex-wife?) for the first time in a year, so to say he was nervous was an understatement.
But he had to bite the bullet and knock on the door, three short knocks on the door, he heard Haileys voice from inside "One sec, i'm coming!"
He took one last deep breath as she opened the door, her eyes widening as she saw him.
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Hailey was grateful that Trudy had let her have the day off, she needed the rest, she had been throwing herself headfirst into pretty much everything lately as a way of avoiding what was really going on. She took on the brunt of the paper work for the whole unit as it was being the only detective now and with Adam and Torres gone it kept piling up giving her more and more to do and more ways to avoid facing what was actually going on in her life.
She thought she had to move on but what Trudy made her realise she needed to do was face everything head on and she figured she could start by unpacking a few boxes, she left the box of pictures for last and started with her clothes putting them into her dresser, she unpacked her kitchen next and then the last few things for her bathroom and figured that she had done well.
The box of pictures and a free boxes of miscellaneous things still needed to be unpacked but she decided maybe she should eat something, she needed to get back into a routine of eating properly, maybe that would help with her insomnia, it's not that she wasn't eating on purpose, it was just that there was so much going on her in head the thought of eating slipped all the way to the back of her mind.
She didn't have much so she settled for a couple slices of dry toast, deciding that it was better than eating nothing at all. She had mainly been living off takeout for dinner and it being her only meal of the day, which was evident by her trash can being full of take out wrappers and containers.
It sucked, she knew it did, but she also knew it wasn't going to get any better if she continued to fall into the same patterns, the same patterns that she used to fall into when she didn't have Jay as her anchor.
And then he left.
And so she let herself fall back into the same awful patterns of not looking after herself properly, building up all her walls again and telling everyone one she was fine (even though every single person she told that too could see right through her), and throwing herself in the deep end at work, burying herself in cases and paperwork that never seemed to end.
There wasn't much to do for the rest of the day so she decided maybe she would just try and relax and catch up on a show she used to like, she settled for curling up on her couch, laptop in her lap, netflix open ready to watch.
She hadn't been watching the show long, she had almost finished the first episode she had hit play on when there was a knock on her door, three short knocks, she looked at the time on her laptop, almost one in the afternoon, who would be knocking on her door now, uninvited?
"One sec, I'm coming!" she called, closing the laptop and setting it aside, before making the short journey to the door and pulling it open.
She pulled open the door, not even bothering to check through the peephole because she was just so annoyed at the fact that someone was at her door at this time.
She almost collapsed on the spot at the sight of him, it felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She damn near slammed the door in his face, thinking this must be her mind playing tricks on her.
That was not who she expected to see, he was the very last person she expected to see, her eyes widened in shock as blue eyes met green for the first time in a year. "Jay" she breathed out not knowing what else to say.
"Hailey" she heard his voice properly for the first time in a year, not being cut out by bad signal, and scratchy audio, she heard his voice loud and clear.
"Y-you- what?" she stammered, trying her best to not let her emotions get the best of her but he could very clearly see the tears welling up in her eyes.
"Can I come in?" His voice was soft, hopeful.
"Um yeah" she managed to get out, without letting her voice crack, she stepped out of the way and let him pull his duffel in, locking the door behind him.
The tension was thick, well it was to her anyways, she didn't know what to do, what to say, she could hardly function. He was here, he was home, standing right in front of her.
She took a moment to take him in, he was tanned, his freckles a lot more prominent on his face, which always happened when he got a tan, he seemed bigger, more muscular, and he had a beard, not long, not too scruffy but he definitely wasn't clean shaven like he used to be.
They were cuddled on the couch after a night out at Mollys, Hailey with her back against his chest, his arms around her, the tv playing a random channel that neither of them were paying attention to, they were just enjoying each other's company.
Hailey tilted her head up to look at him, the light of the tv the only thing illuminating the room but he still looked beautiful, he always did. She scooched up, settling herself so that she was now sitting in his lap and gave him a sweet kiss, getting tickled by the stubble that currently resided on his face.
"What's that face for?" he questioned.
"You need to shave" she told him.
"What you don't like this?" he ran a hand over his stubble making her giggle.
"It tickles"
"It tickles huh?" he raised an eyebrow at her before rubbing his face against hers making her squeal, his arms holding her tight in place as she tried to get away as their laughter filled the room.
"Jay" she breathed out again not knowing what else to say.
"Hi" he sounded just as nervous as she felt, what the hell was he doing here, he just showed up out of the blue, no call, no text, hell she didn't even get a letter, only signed divorce papers.
"What are you.. What are you doing here?" she couldn't believe what was happening, there was no way, she had to be dreaming, hallucinating, she had to be, this couldn't he real, Jay Halstead wasn't standing in her apartment right now, this was all sort of some sick practical joke her mind was playing on her, it had to be.
"Im sorry" he told her "Hailey I'm so fucking sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen, I- I- I just, I fucked up, and I don't know if I can make it better, but this cant be the way this happens, it cant be" his voice cracked.
She wasn't mad at him, she told Trudy that the night before and it was the truth, she was so angry with him at first but soon the anger disappeared and just turned into disappointment, disappointment in him, in herself for letting herself fall for him, letting herself get wrapped up in him because in the back of her mind there was this tiny voice telling her that she was unlovable.
When she was with Jay that voice evaporated but it turns out it was right because he left her, he left her here for a whole year and didn't even try to salvage their marriage, he just signed those damn papers and sent them back like everything they had meant nothing to him.
"Say something Hailey, please" Jay spoke up again.
"I- I don't know what to say Jay, you signed those papers and sent them back, what else is there left to do?" she wanted him, she so very badly wanted him she just wasn't in the right headspace, she wasn't prepared for this, it felt like she had been ambushed.
"Did you?" his eyes found her left hand, ring finger bare, compared to his that still held the back band, she had taken her ring off, making him think she didn't want to be with him anymore.
"I did" she nodded wiping a tear that had fallen.
"Hailey are- are we divorced?" he questioned, bracing himself for the worst.
"No" she shook her head "I put them in the basket to be mailed but Trudy took them out" she explained.
"Trudy took them?" he questioned.
"Mhmm, Voight got into my head again after seeing them on my desk, told me i need to figure it out and get back to work so i put them into the basket to be mailed" Jays face shifted, his mouth turning into a thin line, Voight was always sticking his nose into their relationship and he still was even after he had left.
Voight and his ways was one of the main reasons Jay left, that man was so deep into his head he couldn't think of another way to get him out.
"Leave intelligence" Jay blurted.
"W-what?" his statement stunned Hailey.
"I left because of Voight because of everything he's put us through and I wanted to get away, but I went about it all wrong, we should have worked through this together but I didn't think I just knew I had to get out, when I should have been getting us both out and away from him, look at us, he's still in both of our heads, still making us the worst versions of ourselves, and I know I had part to play in that but I want to fix it" he explained.
"Hailey I came home because I want to fix this, fix us" he took a step closer to her "I signed them because I thought it was what you wanted and that it would make you happy, but I realised maybe you were thinking it would make me happy and I think we're both thinking wrong" Jay told her softly "but if I'm wrong and you truly want a divorce, I'll give you that, I'll give you anything you want, I know the way I've gone about everything has be beyond wrong, so tell me what you want and I'll give that to you, don't think about me and what I want, tell me what you want" he told her putting an emphasis on you.
"You, Jay, I want you, I've wanted you for an entire year but you don't return my calls my texts nothing, we went from seeing each other every day to talking once every two goddamn months" there were tears streaming down her face now, she just wanted her husband, that was all she had wanted over the past year. "What do you want Jay"
"For you to be happy"
"I'm happy with you Jay, I'm safe with you, you- I've never felt the way I do for you for anyone"
"Do you think we can fix this?" Jay questioned, hopeful, but unsure.
"I don't know, I really don't know, are you going back?"
"I took a leave, I'll have to go back in a week" Hailey deflated at this "but I'll tell them I'm leaving once I go back, finish up my last missions and them come home, if that's what you want"
"You would do that?"
"Hailey nothing else matters to me other than you, if you want to try we can try and fix this but if that isn't what you want then mail the papers"
"I want to try" she told him her voice small "I cant do any of this with out you Jay, the last year has been hell, its been so fucking horrible and it felt so much worse because you weren't here when I needed you the most"
"I'm sorry Hailey I am so sorry and I know words probably don't mean much to you right now but I promise I will show you how sorry i am"
"I believe you Jay, you look just as broken as I feel" she sighed.
"Hailey..." he didn't know what to say "can I, can I hug you?" she shook her head no, it hurt but he cant say he didn't expect it.
"I- I cant right now, I just need you to understand how much you've actually hurt me, if were going to try and fix this, it's going to take time, at lot of time and a lot of effort okay?"
"Okay" he nodded understanding "were gonna fix this Hails" he told her.
"I really hope so Jay, I really hope so"
Jay gave her a small hopeful smile and she gave him one back as she wiped her tears.
"The cuts" he had noticed them littered across her face and neck the second he walked but he didn't know when or how to bring them up "what happened?"
"Bad case" she sighed shaking her head like she was trying to get rid of them memories of the case with Cam "went through a glass door, mini explosion, got choked out and shot at, you know, the usual" she shrugged really not wanting to talk about it.
"Hailey..."
"It's okay honestly, I'm okay, no injuries that will leave any lasting damage" her eyes couldn't meet his when she said this but she saw the look on his face, his heart broke for her.
"Do you have a place to stay?" she questioned, knowing that her apartment definitely wasn't big enough for the both of them and his brother was living in Seattle now, also wanting to change the subject.
"Trudy offered me her and Mouch's spare room but I'll probably go to a hotel I don't want to impose"
"You spoke to her?"
"I uh I had to get your address"
"Oh, yeah, okay"
"I am really sorry Hailey"
"I know Jay, I know" she gave him a small smile.
"I kind of expected you to yell at me"
"I'm not angry Jay, just sad" when she said that he knew he most definitely would have preferred yelling, screaming, anything else.
"You're right though" she told him.
"About what?"
"Leaving intelligence, getting away from Voight, you did the right thing in the wrong way because you left me too" she told him "I think I'm going to leave intelligence, I never wanted a divorce but he got in my head, told me that I needed to stop letting my personal issues get in the way of my work and move forward, you being my 'personal issues', he brought up divorce and I thought that was the only way I could get over it, but its not, they only way I can see myself being truly happy with you is if he's not in either of our lives anymore"
"When did we start letting other people decide what was good for us?"
"I don't know, but it stops now, I love you Jay, I've never loved anyone the way I love you and I want to be married to you, I want to live my life with you, we need to put ourselves first, forget the job, forget Voight, forget everyone else, let's just focus on us?"
"I think that sounds perfect Hailey"
"How long will you be going back for?"
"I don't know, that's something that will have to be figured out when I'm there but it will be the shortest time that it can probably be, I swear" she nodded as he spoke "you're really going to leave intelligence?"
"Yes, I'm not good there anymore, I can't be the cop I know I can be with him looming over my shoulder all the time because I know he's bound the drag me under again sooner or later and I'm not losing myself again, not because of him, not because of anyone"
"I love you too" he told her, which made her crack a smile, the biggest smile she's had since he left "we'll figure it out, we always do, I believe in us"
They talked for a little more, deciding how they were going to go about things, Hailey made it clear that they couldn't go back to living together right away once he was officially back and that she needed her own space and Jay agreed, he knew they couldn't just go straight back to how things were before he left and didn't want to make her move too fast incase of ruining everything once again.
They agreed to talk more the next day, they were both drained, and both just wanted to get some rest.
They said their goodbyes, Hailey wanted to hug him before he walked out of the door but she held herself back, she couldn't fall right back into everything, she knew she needed time, and she was glad he respected that, not that she didn't think he wouldn't, it was just nice to finally have someone listen to her, it was nice to have him listen to her.
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A/N: Thank you so much for reading I really hope you enjoyed this chapter!
As always comments, votes and feedback are deeply appreciated if you enjoyed!
You can find me on twitter and instagram @/knownforyears but im a lot more active on twitter!!
But anyways, thank you for reading, see you next time <3