Everything came to him in a rush. A switch had flipped in his life, and his schedule changed from empty hours of sleep to squeezing work into every second of the day. He woke up before the sun was out and went to sleep well into the night. It was tiring, but he was more grateful than anything to not have time to think. If the press were clamoring for a piece of him, he hadn't had the time to give them anything. Rumors floated around about what he was busy with, but he was grateful that they were focusing on that. Maybe enough time had passed that the breakup had long been old news.
He didn't know how, but Xia seemed to have a plan that stretched out for weeks, maybe even months. He knew what each one of them needed to be doing every minute of every day. He had Charlie practicing every instrument the band could need and Ra playing every song they had ever released. Meanwhile, he had Nate busy with vocal training.
When he first started, he found himself struggling.
"Make sure you're breathing in through your diaphragm. That way, you won't be straining your voice to reach those notes," his vocal coach, Mali, chided. He sucked in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Mali nodded.
"Sorry," he murmured. "I haven't sung in a while."
"That's okay. We'll start slow. If it wasn't for me saying you needed to rest, I think Zin would have me over every day."
He felt flustered. Mali always spoke in a steady tone that drew out every word. It made him feel like a child. Or maybe part of an audience. Like he wasn't supposed to speak unless he was told to. Maybe it was because she was one of those people he could never truly impress. But he still tried.
She had him start as simple as possible, despite his urging that he could do better. Nonetheless, he found comfort in the way he could easily breeze through the notes. All Mali had to do was guide him to project his voice to be as clear as possible. He sang the same song for the whole session, an acoustic song he wrote called Smokeshop. It hardly differed from his talking voice, only occasionally dipping into a low note.
His mind zeroed in on every word that left his mouth. He might not ever have written another song like that again. Smokeshop was the first song he wrote that he would ever be expected to perform. Nights were spent fretting over every lyric and practicing how it sounded in his voice. As a result, the words were forever etched into his brain. If he had to do it all over, it wouldn't have come out as special to him as it did. He would sing it forever, if someone was there to listen.
Living to get high
Living just to die
With those ending notes, his first session out of many was over. His mouth felt dry and his throat a little tired, but his mind was quiet for the first time in a long time. A smile spread across his face. Exhilaration from the way the words danced on his tongues lingered in his mind. He couldn't believe that he nearly forgot how much he loved singing. He missed how his voice brought a song to life. It was like magic, dissolving all his doubt that he could ever perform again.
Mali watched him from the corner of her eye.
"Do you think you want to sing again tomorrow?"
The answer spilled out of his mouth before he could think, "I do. I've always wanted to sing. I want to sing as much as possible. I always wanted to. I just forgot that I did."
Her mouth stretched out. It took him a moment to realize she was smiling. It might have been the first time he had ever seen her smile. Maybe she didn't view him as harshly as he thought she did. And maybe she wasn't the only one.
"Welcome back, Nathaniel."
Time trudged forward on and on that way. He sang in the studio, in the car, in the shower. He might have sung in his sleep. "If you can't sing for an audience, at least sing for yourself," Mali had told him. The advice embedded itself into his heart. When he was alone, it hardly even mattered how he sounded. When it was just him and the melody, he could lose himself to the music. That was easy enough.
What he didn't expect was for Xia to be his first audience.
"What?"
Xia sat on the plush chair with his knees as far apart as two repelling magnets. He put his hands on his thighs and leaned forward. His body was relaxed, but Nate could see a tenseness behind his eyes. He couldn't put a finger on what it was. He would have called it nervousness, but he had never seen his best friend nervous in his life. If anything, he was the one with his heart in his throat.
"You've been singing in your voice lessons, why can't you sing for me?"
Nate swallowed. He could feel his heart squeezing. He watched as all his progress went down the drain, and he was left not knowing how to sing again. No matter how much he tried to lie to himself, singing in front of anyone else was different. Mali was focused on making him sound good. An audience meant he had to sound convincing. He wasn't even sure if he believed himself, how could anyone else?
"It's not that simple," he muttered. He braced himself to be backed into a wall, that he would have to sing no matter what. Xia stayed silent. It scared him. He liked to think that he knew Xia in and out, but his silence was unfamiliar unless it was deliberate. Like he was being shut out. He searched the man's face, but his expression betrayed nothing.
"It was simple when we were kids," he finally said. Irritation rose at the back of his mind. Of course it was. Kids didn't care about being good as long as someone noticed. But they weren't kids anymore, were they? They could go back and forth about this all day, but it didn't change that they couldn't go back. If they could, he would have done it the first chance he got. Why in the world would he stay an adult with the weight of the world's expectations on his shoulders?
"I don't know about you, but I didn't stay a kid," he spat out without thinking. Hearing the venom in his voice slapped him dumb. Now, he was really ready for a fight. Why was he being so difficult about this? It wasn't like Xia had even said anything. No wonder no one could stand him. He was so up his own ass about the one job he had. Useless. Stupid.
Xia didn't spit right back at him, and he didn't raise a finger. He didn't even storm out. Nate didn't like it. He wasn't used to saying no, he didn't like how it felt. If Xia wanted him to sing, he would sing. It was just his stubbornness that he couldn't let go of. He didn't want to fail and make a fool out of himself. What was he trying to prove? That Xia couldn't tell him what to do? But no matter what he thought, he secretly wanted the same thing. He always did.
"You're right, I stayed a kid," Xia replied. He drew his knees into his chest and rested his chin on top of them. He looked as if he could disappear before his very eyes. Nate was struck at realizing how small he was. If it weren't for the piercings dotting his face and the shaved half of his head, he looked about ten years younger. They could have easily shared the single chair without any discomfort. And with the way his eyes shone as he looked at Nate, he really did look like a child.
He continued, "Treat me like one. I'd be impressed no matter what. But you have to want it. If you don't want to sing, I don't want to listen."
The longer he stared at Xia, the more he could imagine what he meant. He could imagine that he was talking to Xia for the first time again. He could see the bright yellow uniform burning his eyes. He could sing again for the Xia that stayed a kid. He wanted his best friend to look at him forever. The rest of the world didn't matter if it was the two of them. Everything could be simple again.
"Okay."
There was a song that lingered in his mind. He sung it before, but only once. It was one of many demos that Xia would have them record and stash away for some fateful day that the public would finally get to hear them. He didn't mind if they stayed secret. Xia wrote the songs, and he sang them. That was all he could ever want. It killed him inside that he couldn't show the whole world what the both of them could do, but what mattered more was that Xia heard him bring the songs to life.
The thoughts in his head went quiet again. He wasn't tense or sick or filled with dread. He ran through all the pointers Mali gave him before singing. Posture, stance, deep breath, clear throat. He spent so long going over those things that he knew what came to him naturally. Once he was ready, the words flowed out of his mouth.
I love a boy
That isn't mine to keep...
Surprise came over him when he heard how clear his voice sounded. His voice never wavered despite himself. It was the best song he could ever sing, because Xia wrote it about him. He loved every song Xia wrote. He could tell when they were written about him, for him, while thinking of him. No one could ever be as special to the man as he was. The words made his heart swell.
The things I'll do
To own your mind...
Their minds were one and the same. If Xia put his soul into songwriting, he put his soul into singing. And the two would always be intertwined. Everything they did came back to each other. No one else could possibly understand. Friendship? Ownership? Love? All those words couldn't describe what they had. Xia assured him of it in every lyric. They were special. That was the only word that could come close. He sang if Xia wanted him too, and in return, he would be the vessel that Xia poured all his emotions into. Who else could express those feelings but him?
He's coming in
I'm going out
His voice grew quieter and quieter as the song drew to a close. A dull ache reverberated through his chest. He could never be able to describe his feelings the way Xia did. He depended on Xia to speak for both of them, even if it was his own voice that others heard. The knowledge that he could mean so much to someone as wonderful as Xia brought him to tears. He wanted to be special. He wanted to be the only person Xia ever saw that way. He had to be.
When he stopped singing, his eyes immediately looked for Xia's reaction. He had to prove that he could still sing. What would he do with himself if Xia couldn't use his voice anymore? Worse, what would Xia do? No, that couldn't happen.
A pair of dark eyes studied his face. His best friend's eyes were like a void. Easy to get sucked into, but impossible to make sense of. They left him helpless. As the years passed, they only seemed to get darker and darker. He was afraid that one day, he would no longer know what lay behind them. But for now, he could guess. Xia was still watching him, and that meant something. He felt the emotions that he put into his voice. He had to, because they were as clear as day.
But he couldn't help but speak first.
"I did good, right?"
The words came out so shaky that he felt a stab of humiliation. He couldn't stop himself. When he wasn't able to lose himself in song anymore, he felt sick all over again. And he was sure anyone could tell by looking at him. Xia's eyebrows lifted in surprise.
"Sure. I knew you could do it. You don't need me to tell you that."
But he did. It was such a relief that he heard Xia tell him that he did well, that all the emotions he felt finally spilled out of him. His throat seized in a sob so loud that it made him choke. His head was spinning and turning his world into a blur. All the air seemed to leave his lungs, leaving him gasping and choking. He was stupid. So, so, stupid. Why did it matter to him so much?
Because it was Xia.
He tried his best to explain why he was bawling his eyes out. He didn't want to seem pathetic. Xia had to understand.
"I - I - I... w-was ssss-sss-sssooo afraid... that you... you thought... I c-c-couldn't sing..." he hiccupped. It was too painful to speak, but he couldn't catch his breath enough to sound intelligible. Through tears, he could see Xia standing up. A pair of thin arms wrapped around his shoulders. He buried his face into the man's neck. It was an awkward angle since Nate stood almost a head taller than him, but he didn't care. He sobbed and sobbed into his best friend's skin.
"I would never think that. You have the best voice in the world. I mean it. Even if you never sang again, I'd always remember your voice."
Nate held onto Xia tightly enough that he was sure he was bruising the poor man. Xia didn't say anything. He just kept holding him.
"I d-d-do wanna sing. Always w-wanna sss-ssing... your... your songs. Missed... missed it... s-s-so much."
"That makes me happy," Xia uttered. "You're the only one who can make them special."
His heart thumped in his chest. It was getting easier to breathe when Xia held him. The only thing sweeter than air was the way Xia felt next to him.
"Am I really the only one?" he echoed. He felt Xia smile against his skin.
"Yes. You know I write those songs for you to sing. Everything I do is for you."
He wanted Xia to say those words over and over again. He was the only one. He was special. Even after all the years that passed, he still couldn't believe that Xia always felt the same way he did. Any doubts he had, Xia would say something to make them disappear. He never had to say a word. They shared the same thoughts, the same feelings, the same soul. Xia would never leave him. He was sure of it. Even if he had nothing else, he had Xia.
Xia let him cry until the ache in his chest subsided. It was a relief to finally feel something real. Weeks of running away from his thoughts and feelings built up until it was too much to bear. It was hard to believe that he could feel anything as strongly as he did when he was with Xia. There was no way he could let anyone else see him in that state. No one else could understand.
It felt like the tears had washed every bit of his feelings away. Everything he went through had drained him and left him empty. Exhaustion settled deep into his bones. It was too tiring to stand or to think. He sank to the floor and laid his head against the ground. Xia lay next to him.
How many nights had they spent this way? Laying side by side after the world had taken everything from them? No matter how many times it had been, he would do it over and over.
"I'll write more songs for you," Xia said, pressing his thumb against Nate's wet cheek. "I'll only write as long as you keep singing. If you stopped, no one else could sing them."
His hand covered Xia's fingers. His skin was cold. He wanted to keep him warm. He wished he could live inside Xia's body to stave off the cold and keep him company.
"You could sing them," Nate said. He wondered why Xia even needed him. The band hadn't stopped touring when he was in rehab. He was sure that they were just as great without him. He often wished he was there in the audience to watch Xia sing.
Xia's mouth tightened into a line. He put his other hand on his ribcage, flattening his palm against his bones. He struggled to take a deep breath. "Wouldn't be the same. I can't sing like you. See, my lungs can barely take in the air."
He frowned. It was difficult to watch Xia when he got this way. He knew what he was saying.
"Do you think you'll ever get better?" he asked. The question hung in between them. He hated himself for being too much of a coward to say the words out loud. They would always be this way. He would always be too afraid, and Xia would use that to avoid ever speaking about it. A solemn smile crossed Xia's face.
"No, I'm not like you."
He left the sentence incomplete. Nate wanted to ask what he meant. But it was too difficult to think about. And besides, he already knew. He just didn't want to face it. He wished he could help Xia the way Xia helped him. If only Xia saw himself from Nate's eyes. Would that change anything? Maybe then, he wouldn't be so hard on himself.
Before he could speak, the buzz of a phone broke through the silence. Xia sat up to take the call. He hated the resentment that flashed through his mind at something being more important than him. He wanted the whole world to disappear. It was only another thing that weighed down Xia's mind. He hated it. Hated it all.
The phone slipped back into Xia's pocket. He sighed and stood up. Nate's eyes followed him as his stomach dropped to his feet. Xia was walking out again, leaving him to deal with his feelings on his own. Why couldn't things be okay for once? Why couldn't he stay? Was it his fault for asking too much of him?
"Don't leave me," he blurted out. Xia turned back to him. Even in the dim room, he could make out the way his features softened and lost their ragged edge.
"I'll be back," Xia said. "You could come with me if you want, but I don't know..." he stopped for a moment before speaking again. "I need to head to rehearsals."
The words struck some sense in him. Of course. How could he be so stupid? That must have been what Xia was so busy with. Why else would the rest of the band be practicing so hard?
"I wouldn't perform without you if it was possible to avoid it," Xia argued. "I could never hit your notes. But... we have a concert coming up next week and I couldn't get out of it."
He didn't know why Xia seemed so hesitant to talk about the concerts they had without him. He was happy that their fans still got to hear them live, even if he couldn't be there himself. Why wouldn't he take the opportunity to hear what they sounded like?
"I don't mind, I'll come."
Xia kept looking at him for a moment. Something seemed to strike him, and he stood up straighter. His eyes shone brighter as he gazed into Nate's face.
"Could you show the others that you'll still sing?"
A sour taste rose in his mouth. He thought showing Xia his singing was something special. Just between the two of them. But the expectant look on Xia's face made it hard to say no. The request echoed in his head, but in the end, it always circled back to the way Xia looked at him. He wasn't sure why Xia was asking him that. But he could guess. He knew him too well for him to hide what he was really asking.
"Do you want me to perform with you guys?"
Xia's mouth fell open and shut a few times. If he wasn't sure before, now, he was certain. Sadness twisted his chest, but he understood perfectly. Was that what the others wanted too? Or did it only matter what Xia thought? It would be the same either way. He felt a tugging at his throat. He knew what he was about to say.
"I don't care," Xia said. "What do you think?"
He was still looking at the same Xia he met when he was six years old. The Xia that wouldn't play with others and shut out everyone but him. Did that Xia like performing? He just realized how long it had been since he was home, and he never asked what it was like to be the face of the band without him. What sort of pressure did the press put on him? What did their fans think? How did Xia feel singing all alone? No wonder Kimi left. He was truly selfish to the core.
He was going to stop being selfish. He had to take up the burden.
"I think," he started to speak. "I want to perform again."
"Are you sure?"
His heart slammed against his ribs. What was he saying? A week wasn't enough to prepare him for the stage. But he wanted Xia to stop taking on everything alone for once. He couldn't say no. And he couldn't lie and say that he didn't want to perform. He wanted it more than anything in the world. He wanted to be in a band again.
"Of course," he stammered. Before he finished his sentence, Xia jumped into his arms and wrapped him in an embrace.
"I knew it. I knew you would come through," Xia whispered.
He smiled, but his heart was heavier than it had ever been.