Hudson took my hand. It was like we were bracing for impact. I held Mia a little closer.
"I'm so sorry. I know this isn't the news you were hoping for," Dr. Spears said.
"We expected it, though," Hudson said.
"Yeah. I didn't think we'd be coming in here and having you tell us anything different," I said, holding back tears. "I was kinda hoping she'd have a little bit of hearing but we both pretty much knew you'd be telling us she didn't have any. We've both already started learning and doing ASL with her."
"Wow. I'm impressed. You two are ahead of the game," she said. "Let's move onto the results of the tests. Mia has sensorineural hearing loss, meaning it's an issue with the inner ear. She's obviously had it since birth. Things like this can be genetic. Do either of you have any deaf family members?"
"We're literally both adopted," Hudson said.
"Oh, I see," she said. "So based on the testing, I believe the problem is in her cochlea."
"So does that mean she can get the implants?" Hudson asked.
I looked at him and smiled. I didn't think he was doing any of his own research.
"She very well could," said Dr. Spears. "She very well could. But we do need to try out hearing aids first. But to be honest with you, with how advanced her hearing loss is, I can't guarantee they'll work. If we don't have success with the hearing aids, then we can move on to cochlear implants. Questions?"
"Do we get to do the molds with her today?" I asked. I knew this. They'd take impressions, then get custom hearing aids for her.
"We certainly can. We can take impressions, then my front desk staff can send out an EOB to your insurance company to see how much is covered and you can make a decision from there if you want to move forward with ordering them. Usually even with coverage, for both ears it'll run you a few thousand."
"Oh, honey, we both go to Jane Willow," Hudson said.
An awkward smile crept its way onto Dr. Spears' face. "I see...well in that case, I'll tell my staff to go ahead and place that order for you as soon as the impressions are done. They usually take about two weeks to get delivered."
"Love it. Let's do it," I said.
One of the assistants came back in and did the impressions. Of all the things Mia had done that day, this one she was just absolutely not having. She hardly ever cried but as soon as the mold touched her ear she screamed her little lungs out. I felt so bad. It hurt my heart as a mom to see her uncomfortable.
Once that was done, I held her to calm her down, but it wasn't really working. She cried the entire time we were scheduling her next appointment in two weeks.
I took her out of her stroller and carried her as we went down the elevator and into the car. I patted her back and rocked her since she couldn't hear me shushing her or trying to give her any comfort.
Hudson and I were both silent as we drove away from the hospital. We both knew she was deaf, but actually finding out from a professional hit so much harder. I was so grateful that she'd possibly be getting cochlear implants in the future, but it seriously freaked me out. The thought of my baby having a big surgery like that...it was scary.
"I know what you're thinking, but the hearing aids might work. Those might be all the needs," Hudson said.
"I doubt it. I just don't want to get my hopes up for something that probably won't work," I said.
"Do you want Starbucks?"
"Hudson, are you kidding?" I asked, giving him a death glare. "How the hell can you be thinking about coffee at a time like this?"
"Deni, listen, there's legit nothing we can do right this second. We went to the doctor, she's ordering the hearing aids, and that's it. If we don't get the coffee, we'll still feel like shit."
"That's...a good point," I said.
"Great. And I'm not even holding back. I'm going for a venti today."
"I'll do the same. Maybe get a few cake pops too. Even though I'm still working on losing this baby weight."
"Girl, how many times do I need to tell you that you look fabulous? You just had a baby a month ago."
"I know." I sighed. "I just want to have my pre-baby body back before my senior year starts."
"Which you can worry about...after Starbucks," he said, turning into the parking lot.
I turned around and looked at Mia in her carseat. As the Nap Queen, the car settled her right back down, and she was fast asleep. I smiled. I'd still always love her. She was perfect to me.
"Are my beautiful ladies ready for a coffee break?" Hudson asked, opening my door for me. I pouted. He was really being extra sweet today.
I got out of the car and he took Mia in her carseat. We walked in, spent a bunch of money, and sat down with our massive order. Even with all that coffee and food in front of me, it was still hard to feel like things were going to be okay.