Priya(with tears in her eyes): Ram...
One look at those eyes and it made her doubt if all her assumptions were wrong.
Priya knew that in that instant they were sharing one of their most intimate moments and that was why she chose to call him by his name to feel him closer to her.
As Ram gently pulled her towards him, Priya walked a few steps and stood before him. Instantly he rested his head on her tummy, wrapping his arms around her waist.
Ram's voice broke when he tried to speak. He felt heartbroken to see his Priya like this.
Ram: Tumhe...pata bhi hai ke...tum kitni khoobsurat ho? Haan?
He heard her soft sniffles and felt her fingers caress his hair. He loosened his grip on her and scooted towards the middle of the bed to make space for Priya to sit.
And then holding her hand, he made her sit on the bed and hugged her tightly, resting her head on his chest. Priya's cries intensified the moment she felt the warmth of Ram's body engulfing her. Tightening the hug, Ram began kissing her hair softly.
Ram(softly): Main hoon yahan...Priya main kahin nahi jaunga phir se. Tumhe darne ki zaroorat hi nahi hai. Hamesha rahunga tumhara haath pakad ke, tumhare saath.
Tears pulled down Ram's eyes as he felt Priya's grip tighten on his sleeves. He placed a deep kiss on the side of her head, slightly rocking her.
Ram: Shushhhhh...sab kuch thik hai. Take a deep breath.
Priya tried to do what she was told but while doing so she just couldn't because her chest felt too heavy.
Ram: Panic attack jaisa lagg raha hai?
Priya: Uhu...
Priya managed to make that much sound while tears trickled down her eyes uncontrollably. Ram kept caressing her hair and wiped her tears with a tissue simultaneously.
After a minutes her sobs lessened and Ram held a water bottle in front of her. She took a few sips and then again placed her head on his chest.
She tried to reason with her thoughts but a part of her felt extremely unsure. She couldn't stop thinking about that teeny-tiny part of her mind still that Ram might be saying all this just to be nice to her.
Ram caressed Priya's left cheek with a sad smile.
Ram: Tumse ek baat poochun?
Priya hummed in response.
Ram: Judge toh nahi karogi?
Priya immediately looked at him, placing her chin over Ram's chest. A deep frown formed on her forehead when her eyes fell on his. They looked sad, vulnerable. It reminded her of the night before Diwali 5 years ago when Ram was not in his senses because of the tranquilizers given to him. He looked like a little boy trying to find his home and somehow he found that comfort in her that day.
That night made Priya felt closer to Ram. She had never thought that someone who had everything, actually had almost...nothing. That night she got to know how Ram searched for contentment in different people, how he felt lonely even though thousands of people were around him, how he wanted to feel a little bit of peace in his heart.
And looking at those eyes today, Priya knew he wanted to share some of his saddest memories or insecurities with her, something he might never had shared with anyone else. But he wanted to, with her.
Looking deep into his eyes, Priya shook her head gently, making a silent promise that she wouldn't judge him. She saw Ram giving a nod and then lowering his gaze.
Ram(clearing his throat): Tumhe...umm...woh big big muscles...hatte katte log pasand hain?
Ram couldn't look into Priya's eyes. What if they conveyed what he didn't want to hear?
But Priya felt extremely confused. This was not something she was expecting.
Priya: Hein?
Ram: Woh...hote hain na...body builders...six pack abs, eight pack abs wale...woh. Tumhe achhe lagte hain?
This made Priya more confused. She couldn't figure out where this conversation was going, what was Ram trying to ask her actually.
Noticing her silence, Ram looked at Priya and saw her clueless face.
Priya: Aap yeh poochna chahte the mujhse?
Ram gave a gentle nod and again averted his gaze.
Ram(softly): Batao na.
Priya shook her head, making a face.
Priya: Nahi. Kyun?
Ram let out a soft chuckle and shook his head.
Ram: Kuch nahi. Bass aise hi.
Priya still felt completely clueless.
Ram: Tum chahti ho ke main gym jaun aur body banau?
Priya scrunched her nose. The picture of Ram, clicking mirror selfies, showing off his six pack abs, didn't really sit well with her in her mind. But still she tried to be nice to him.
Priya: Aap ko achha lagta hai toh aap jaa sakte hain.
Ram sighed as it was not the answer to his question.
Ram: Maine poocha tumhe achha lagta hai kya? You know...Vik jaata hai gym, Kunal bhi aur Krish bhi.
Squinting her eyes, Priya tried to understand what was happening. Did Ram want to go to gym and have that kind of a body? Why was he kept asking her if she liked it? Was he getting jealous of his friends for it?
Priya: Mujhe nahi pasand. Aapko pasand hai kya? Aap...jealous...feel karte hain kya iss wajah se?
Priya saw Ram's head slumping further and realised that he actually felt jealous.
Priya(like a whisper): Mr. Kapoor...
She kept her hand over his and slowly intertwined their fingers. Letting out a sigh, Ram rested his head on Priya's shoulder.
Ram(almost inaudibly): Mujhe laga tha...yeh hi reason hai.
Priya: Kis cheez ka?
Ram felt his heart getting heavier each passing second.
Ram: T-tumhara...mujhe chorhke Krish ko chunne ka.
Ram finally decided to give words to the horrible nightmare that kept him up all night for 5 long years. He felt insecure about himself and thought that might be the reason for Priya leaving him like that. Krish was tall, had a well-built body, was somewhat good looking too. What was there not to like? Maybe Priya's feelings for him did flourish again. Maybe he was keeping Priya happy more than he ever could.
Tara told him to talk to Priya about his insecurities and he did want to but didn't know how and when. And this seemed like a perfect opportunity to know what she felt about him.
Priya's chest pained listening to those words and undertone of hurt in it. She cupped Ram's cheeks and tried to look at him.
Priya: Mr. Kapoor...Mr. Kapoor meri taraf dekhiye.
But Ram tightened his hold on her chest feeling a little ashamed, a little like a fool and somewhat insecure.
Priya(a bit sternly): Mr. Kapoor!
Listening to the change of Priya's tone, Ram loosened his hold on her and sat straight, again looking downwards.
Priya made him look up by putting her index finger under his chin and saw the sadness in his eyes.
Priya: Aap ko pata hai na main aap se pyaar karti hoon.
Ram gave a gentle nod.
Priya: Toh? Mere liye yeh sab matter nahi karta. Aap bass healthy rahiye main bass itna chahti hoon.
Ram: Toh tumhe koi problem nahi ke meri body aisi dikhti hai.
Knitting her eyebrows, Priya crossed her arms near her chest.
Priya: Aisi hai ka kya matlab? Normal hai. Aapki body normal hai.
Ram: Normal hai?
Priya nodded.
Ram felt a sense of relief but his agenda to start this conversation was still incomplete.
Ram: Tumhe achhi lagti hai?
Ram saw Priya's cheeks going pinkish. Shyly she gave a nod and looking down at her fingers. He smiled, his heart fluttered at her reaction. He knew his wife didn't feel comfortable to talk about all this but her going above and beyond to make him feel secure, touched his heart. Only his Priya would do that for him. He felt happy because Priya liked his body and that was more than enough for him.
He caressed her warm cheeks softly and made her look at him.
Ram: Agar meri body normal hai...toh tumhare stretch marks kyun normal nahi hai?
Priya's blush faded instantly and a tinge of insecurity made it's way to show up in her eyes. She looked away not wanting to face Ram.
Priya: Hum aap ke baare mein baat kar rahe hain. Mere baare mein nahi.
Ram: Nahi. Hum iss baare mein baat kar rahe hain ke kya normal hai aur kya nahi. Yeh jinhe lekar tum itna overthink kar rahi ho, they are normal. Sabko hote honge.
Priya shook her head sadly.
Priya: Sab ko nahi hote.
Ram: Par bohot logon ko hote bhi toh hain na. Toh it's normal.
Priya: Ajeeb se lagte hain.
Ram caressed her cheek and kissed her forehead.
Ram: Nahi lagg rahe ajeeb Priya. Yeh bass ek chota sa badlaav hai jo tumne ek itna bada kaam kiya hai na...uski wajah se aaya hai. Bass. Hamari choti si Pihu tumhare andar hi toh thi. Kitni mushkil jheli hai tumne. Kitna kuch sehen kiya hai, kyunki...maine tumhe woh support, woh care nahi di... Jo tum deserve karti thi Priya.
Ram's voice choked with guilt.
Priya: Mr. Kapoor please...
Ram: Sach toh yeh hi hai na Priya. I failed you. Tum abhi bhi mujhe aise accept kar rahi ho, yeh hi bohot hai.
Tears came into Priya's eyes because even though she agreed with Ram about how change is constant, she still hated those changes in her body.
Ram: Achha meri ek baat suno. Sunogi?
Priya nodded and took a deep breath.
Ram: Maine bohot baar socha yeh baat tumse kahoonga par kabhi bataya nahi.
A deep frown formed on Priya's forehead.
Priya(softly): Kya?
Ram: Yeh uss din ke baare mein hai...jis din hum dono mile...ummm...mall mein.
Priya sighed, deeply. She could see Ram smiling. A little pout made it's way onto her lips. There was nothing to smile about. He was pathetic towards her and that was about it.
Priya(almost inaudibly): Aap toh gussa the mujhse. Bohot zyada.
She felt Ram's fingers softly gliding through her hair.
Ram: Hmmm. Gussa tha...bohot zyada. Tum par bhi...aur khud par bhi Priya.
Priya: Kyun? Khud pe kyun?
Ram: Kyunki...tum khush dikh rahi thi.
Knitting her eyebrows, Priya looked into Ram's eyes feeling really confused. He felt angry because she looked happy?
Ram: Aur...umm...(blinking back his tears, clearing his throat) tumhari khushi ki wajah...main nahi...Krish tha.
Priya was about to say something but Ram stopped her by placing his index finger over her lips. And then he kept caressing her cheek with his thumb. A serene smile adorned his face.
Ram(softly): Aisa mujhe laga tha. Par baad mein samajh aaya...ke tum khush Krish ki wajah se nahi, (tears pooling at the corners of his eyes) Pihu ki wajah se thi.
Ram let out a soft chuckle thinking about that and then smiled looking deep into Priya's eyes.
Ram: Pyaari lagg rahi thi bohot. Woh yellow colour ka floral suit...achha lagg raha tha tumpe. Yellow pehenti ho na...toh aur zyada khoobsurat lagti ho. Aur mathe pe woh choti si bindi, kaano mein chote chote jhumke, aankhon mein thoda sa kajal. (With a soft chuckle) Ohh...baal aise curly curly. Achhe lagg rahe the.
Priya was shocked. This man remembered each and every detail about her. Although he was extremely angry and it was kind of expected as he believed that she cheated on him. But how?
Ram continued to talk about his observations.
Ram: Alag lagg rahi thi. Meri Priya jaisi par usse thoda alag. Alag matlab achha wala alag...woh bura wala alag nahi.
This made Priya chuckle softly. This man and his weird ways of complimenting her.
Ram(with a soft smile): Tumhare chehre pe na ek alag si chamak thi. Aankhon mein ek narmi si thi. Ek tarah ka sukoon tha tum mein. Woh sukoon jo kapkapati sardiyon ke din mein dhoop se milti hai. Mujhe pehle toh samajh nahi aaya tha...par baad mein aaya. Tum khush ho Pihu ki Mumma banke.
Priya: Obviously...yeh bhi koi kehne wali baat hui.
Priya shook her head with a smile.
Ram: Nahi...tum meri baat samjhi nahi. Aise tum sabse zyada khoobsurat lagti ho. Motherhood looks beautiful on you Priya.
Priya parted her lips slightly feeling a little surprised. This might be the best compliment she had ever received and this, coming from her husband, made it more special for her.
Ram: Toh mera yeh sab kehne ka yeh hi matlab hai ke...Pihu ki Mumma looks very pretty and she must know it. Kyunki unhe toh ulti seedhi baatein sochke apna haal behaal karna bohot pasand hai.
Priya rolled her eyes and lightly smacked Ram's arm.
Priya: Haan sirf main hi sochti hoon ulta seedha. Aap toh mahaan hain. Aap toh sab thik thik sochte hain. Phir Krish se kyun jealous feel karte hain?
Ram: Ek second! Tumne dekha hai usse...itne bade bade muscle. Mujhe aise uthake yun patak dega.
Priya: Main usko kyun dekhungi. Main toh aapko hi dekhti rehti hoon poora din.
Priya bit her tongue as she realised what she just blurted out in annoyance.
Ram was completely astonished. He couldn't believe his own ears? Did his Priya just confessed that or was he just daydreaming, like always?
Ram: Huh? Kya?
Priya: Ku-kuch nahi.
Ram: Nahi woh phir se bolo tumne abhi bola. Priyaaaaa...
He cupped Priya's face and looked into her eyes.
Ram: Please...Priya.
Priya felt extremely shy. She wasn't used to this. At all. Her heart was pounding very hard. She didn't know how to flirt consciously. But Ram was adamant.
Ram: Achha bolne ki zaroorat nahi. Bass yeh batado jo maine abhi suna woh sach hai.
Yes, Priya felt shy to express her feelings. But she wanted Ram to know how much she loved him, how her thoughts were filled with him and how she wanted him to be with her always.
So she gave a gentle nod as a confirmation.
Ram couldn't be any more happier. He felt his cheeks burning. At that moment he wanted to light up the whole Mumbai City and scream out loud that this gorgeous woman thought about him all day. Who was Krish? Or any other man? It was him. And only him.
He went near her and placed a deep kiss on her right cheek and then hugged her tightly.
Ram: Ek hi dil hai Priya...kitni baar jeetogi?
Priya giggled softly, hugging him back.
Priya(caressing his back): Aapko insecure feel karne ki koi zaroorat nahi. Aap jaise hain waise hi mujhe bade achhe lagte hain.
Ram laughed heartily and then kissed Priya's nose.
Ram: Tum bhi jaisi ho waisi perfect ho aur mujhe waise hi pasand ho. Yeh anab shanaab sochke dimaag ka aur halwa mat banao. Halwa na gajar ka hi achha lagta hai.
Priya chuckled listening to him. Even at this situation, he would tell jokes and make her laugh.
Ram: Mujhe toh kuch ajeeb nahi laga. Bass normal skin hai. Usko lekar itna kya sochna. Body hai, changes toh aayenge na Priya. Tumhari iss body ne tumhare aur mere liye bohot kuch kiya hai, iski thodi respect karo. Aur bass itna janlo ke tumhare liye mera pyaar kabhi nahi badlega. Aur aise toh bilkul nahi. Tumhe koi andaza nahi ke kitna mushkil hota hai tumse durr rehna.
Priya could hear the yearning for her in his voice. She kept looking at him softly.
Ram: Main tumhe apne aur kareeb chahta hoon aur ismein koi jhooth nahi hai. Tum par apna pyaar jatana chahta hoon. Tumhe phir se paana chahta hoon.
Priya felt bad for not being able to reciprocate his desires. She also wanted the same but still felt sceptical about it.
Priya: I'm sorry.
Ram shook his head and kept his index finger on her lips.
Ram: Shushhhhh...nahi. Main bass tumhe apni dil ki bata raha hoon taaki tumhe pata ho. Tumhe jitna waqt chahiye, tum lo. Main kahin bhaaga thodi jaa raha hoon. Yeh hi rahunga. Tumhare paas. Thik hai?
Priya smiled, nodding her head and wrapped her arms around Ram. Letting out a soft sigh, she allowed herself to be in that moment and just melt in his arms.
"Bata doon kya woh chotein kaise lagi mujhe? Nahi...abhi nahi. Gussa ho jayenge bohot. Itna toh pata hai. Phir khud ko blame karenge. Royenge phir se. Nahi nahi. Aaj ka din mujhe aise kharab nahi karna. Kitne dino baad aise waqt beeta rahe hain hum dono. Aaj nahi.", Priya thought.
She couldn't tell him about the scars. She just couldn't. She wanted to be selfish. She didn't want those things go ruin her perfect day and deal with Mr. Khadoos again as he won't be in right mind when he learned what happened with her. So she decided to speak about it later.
Ram pulled the skin of his belly over his shirt and showed it to Priya.
Ram: Tum belly pooch ki baat kar rahi thi na. Yeh dekho! Mere paas bhi hai. Toh we're same same.
Priya laughed seeing his cute antics.
Ram: Main toh pregnant bhi nahi tha Priya. Yeh toh...(eyes beginning to shine) burger, fries, butter chicken, biryani, paneer, cakes, kaju katli ka kamaal hai. (Pulling his belly again) Aur yeh tumse bhi bada hai dekho!
Priya threw her head backwards, laughing hard as Ram made a cute little pout.
Ram: Tum hass rahi ho Priya!
Priya shook her head as her laughs intensified while Ram lowered his head pretending to be sad. She pulled him towards her and hugged him again.
Priya smiled thinking how easily they talked about the issue. Now Ram knew about those changes and it gave her some relief. She knew that she would need more time but for now seeing him handling everything so well gave her some hope. Hope that they would be able to find their ways back to each other again. Hope that everything would be fine.
They both didn't realise how important it was to have a safe space until they became each other's. Someone who wouldn't judge you for your silly thoughts or perceived imperfections. Someone who wouldn't judge your vulnerable state. Someone who would patiently listen to the self deprecating thoughts you have. Someone who would make you feel safe when you don't feel comfortable in your own body.
Yes self love is the greatest kind of love and something that everyone should feel and practice. But it was equally important to have people who accept you for who you are, who would be there when you don't feel the capacity to be there for yourself, who would wrap you up in a warm, fuzzy blanket on a cold night. A friend.
True friendships makes you value yourself. It shows you that you are capable of loving someone so deeply, unconditionally, that you can be you with them. A deep conversation with them makes you feel different, more in touch with yourself. You would know that you're not alone, dealing with shit and that they're dealing with their's too. And you decide to be there for each other no matter what. And when you add a layer of friendship to any kind of relationship, it strengthens the bond and make it unbreakable.
Ram and Priya finally begun to walk on that path where no matter what life throws at you, you would be able to overcome the hurdles and live a happy healthy life, together.
. . . . . . . .
After some time Ram and Priya to go upstairs to decorate Pihu's room.
They assembled her huge dollhouse, arranged the toys and books on the shelves, set up a toy kitchen and a tent for Pihu to play with.
As they got done with that room too, Ram looked at Priya with a smile.
Ram: Achha lagg raha hai. Well done Partner!
He raised his hand for a high-five. Priya chuckled and slapped her hand with his gently.
Resting her head on Ram's shoulder she smiled. Pihu would be on cloud ninth when she sees all this and she couldn't wait for her to play there.
She appreciated Ram's thoughtfulness the moment she entered the room and saw the Pink world map wallpaper on the left wall, and the chalkboard with colourful chalks with it.
She turned to look at Ram and smiled who placed a soft kiss on her forehead.
She couldn't help but think how lovely it would be if Pihu gets to share everything with a little sibling of hers. Both children would play together and they could just observe and be happy looking at them.
Seeing her smile, Ram also smiled and prayed for all her wishes to be true.
Priya: Khush hogi bohot.
Ram nodded with a smile.
Suddenly Priya's phone rang. It was Krish. She picked up the call and talked to him for a couple of minutes. She sat beside Ram after finishing the call.
Priya: Krish Pihu ko lekar Mall gaya hua hai. Play area mein hai abhi.
Ram: Oh.
Priya: Nikalna nahi chahti Pihu wahan se. Maine kaha tha usse ke yahan sab ho jaye toh hum Ghar chale jayenge. Ab ghanton bhar wahin rahegi woh. Koi baat nahi maanegi. Aur yeh Krish...Pihu jo bolti hai, woh hi sunta hai.
Ram kept nodding his head, listening to his wife's rant very patiently. Priya kept complaining for another 5 minutes.
Priya: Usne kaha tum log chale jao. Main Pihu ko Ghar chorhke aayunga.
Ram: Haan toh thik hai. Koi problem nahi. Khelne do usse.
Priya let out a sigh and resumed arranging the books.
Ram cleared his throat, contemplating if should ask her or not. After doing a silent prayer to God, he decided to ask.
Ram: Priya?
Priya: Hmm?
Ram: Pihu toh abhi Ghar nahi chalegi.
Priya: Uhu.
Ram: Toh d-date pe...chalogi? Tum aur main?
Priya immediately turned all her attention to Ram and kept looking at him with widened eyes.
Priya: Haan toh yeh date nahi thi kya?
Priya asked Ram with utter confusion. Now it was time for Ram to be confused.
Ram: Haan?
At first Ram didn't get what she really asked but then a sweet smile adorned his face when he realised that his beautiful wife thought of spending the whole day with him as a date and nothing could be any cuter than that.
Ram pulled both of Priya's cheeks gently.
Ram: Koi itna cute kaise ho sakta hai?
Priya's cheeks flushed feeling embarrassed. She genuinely thought of it as a date and now was mentally face-palming herself.
With a smile, Ram put a soft kiss on her cheek while she lowered her gaze, not wanting to meet his eyes.
Ram: Agar tumne socha ke yeh date hai toh...hai. Kya problem hai usmein. (Making her to look at him) Par ab main pooch raha hoon...will you go on a date with me Mrs. Kapoor?
Priya blushed, feeling butterflies in her stomach. This gorgeous man whom she got to call her husband, was asking her out on a date. What could be any better than that at this moment? Nothing.
Priya(with a shy smile): Yes!
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I was scrolling through IG and came across this reel where a mother was sharing about her pregnancy journey and said that someone complimented her saying, "motherhood looks beautiful on you" and it stayed with me. Such a simple yet profound thing to say!
And I knew I had to use it somewhere so I did.
Hope you all liked the chapter!