It had been a couple of weeks since I'd been with Chan. He hadn't texted. He hadn't called. I hadn't heard from any of them at all.
When their songs came on, I skipped them. Their albums collected dust on my shelf as I'd refused to play them.
I avoided social media speculations. Someone had even started a rumor that I'd died in Florida. Part of me wished I had.
Every now and then, I would see updates on my For You Page or Twitter timeline about where they were or about how sad Chan looked. I tried my best to avoid it. Most of the comments blamed me in some way, whether because my death was too much for him or because I'd cheated and broken his heart. I considered telling them that he had ended things but decided against it. The hypothesizing would die down soon enough.
I did wonder how the fan service was going, and if they'd managed to stop it. Han must've been so upset when I couldn't help them in Orlando. If I had his number I'd ask him directly, but I didn't dare message Chan to find out.
There was a fan meeting today and I couldn't avoid news about it no matter how hard I tried. Chan was in an all-black sleeveless vest. Comments were obsessing over his muscles. Others noticed his bracelet was still missing and were convinced it meant we were still together.
A fan asked if he would kiss her cheek in a selfie, and he lost it on her. He shouted at her in front of everyone there, "Would you ask a random person on the street that? No! We are strangers!" The comments on this were divided with some saying he could've just said no and others arguing that she shouldn't have even asked.
"What if idols can't say no?" someone theorized. I wanted to like the comment. Tell them that they were right, but I knew I couldn't do anything.
Chan had stormed off stage mid-fan signing. I knew JYP would find a way to punish him. I felt bad for him. But, at the same time, I felt frustrated because I knew this anger had to do with me, and it would've been fine had he just let me stay.
I turned off my phone and did some work scheduling a few posts using the content I'd created over the last few days.
I wasn't enjoying work as much as I once had, though. Every day felt dull.
I went over to my nightstand and opened the top drawer. I dragged my finger over a dildo I had but picked up my vibrator instead. I hadn't played with myself since coming home, partly because I had my period at first and didn't feel like making a mess and partly because I longed for Chan instead. As numb as I felt, I figured the vibrator may help.
I turned on my TV for some non-Stray Kids-related background noise.
"This just in," the presenter announced. "The man who shot into Stray Kids's hotel room has been identified as 27-year-old Holden Johnson."
My blood ran cold as I looked at his face for the first time in years. I set the vibrator down on my bed and moved closer to the TV. I could hear party music and saw bottles and solo cups as my brain went dizzy. It hadn't been a crazed fan...
My phone rang, and I answered it absent-mindedly.
"Hello," I whispered.
"Ella?" the voice sounded relieved that I'd answered.
"Felix? How are you?"
"Ella, can you meet us in Dallas if I send a ticket? Chan is not doing well."
I wanted to feel sympathy towards him, but he'd done it to himself. He'd sent me away. He'd repeated those words to me that made my blood freeze in my veins.
"He doesn't want to see me. He made it very clear," I told him half-attentively. I was still staring at the TV at Holden's face.
"Ella, he's been a mess. I don't know what happened between you two..."
I interrupted him, "Felix. I can't think about Chan right now. Holden just got arrested."
"We saw. I'm so sorry Ella," Felix told me. "I'm sorry you went through those things and that they're coming back up."
"I told Chan explicitly about what I'd gone through, Felix. He threw in my face one of the quotes those men said to me. He used it against me. I can't justify that."
Felix said nothing for a moment, "I'm sorry that he did that to you," he said softly.
"Thank you," I mumbled.
"And I'd hate to make you face someone that hurt you, but he needs you. He's been drinking non-stop. He's taken every fan service because he feels guilty that he sent away the only person who could help us stop them."
My heart broke for him.
"I saw the videos of the fan meet today," I admitted.
"JYP is going to punish him in Dallas tomorrow. I don't know how. But, Ella, I'm worried about him."
I took a deep breath. "Okay."
"You'll come?"
"Yea, I'll come."
"Thank you. Thank you so much," Felix appreciated. "I'll send you a text with your flight information, and I'll send a car to pick you up this afternoon. Dmitri will get you from the airport."
"Okay," I replied. The thought of seeing Chan again twisted my stomach into knots.
"I'll see you soon!" Felix said and hung up before I could change my mind.
I can stay with Mana tonight, I texted Felix.
He hearted my message immediately.
I'll see you tomorrow then! he replied.
I called Mana, and she answered right away. I'd been avoiding her calls since I confessed to her my feelings for Chan. The texts I'd sent to let her know I was alive had been dry.
"Your phone does work?" she joked.
"Do you still have your ticket for tomorrow?" I asked.
"Why?" she asked worriedly.
"I'm going to the show with you," I told her.
"Ella..." she began.
"Felix just called. He said Chan is not doing well. He said he needs me," I explained.
"I saw the videos of today," she told me. I knew she understood how out of character it was, even if she thought he was a dick.
"Can I stay with you tonight after I fly in?" I asked.
"Well you're not staying with Chan," she snorted.
With that, everything was settled. Felix texted over my flight. I'd fly in, stay with Mana, and see Chan tomorrow. I had no idea what I'd say to him. Maybe he just needed closure.
I packed and smirked as I threw in my boots to wear to the show. I also searched under my bed where I'd thrown the bracelet.
After debating whether to wear it or not, I packed it away to return it to him. It wasn't mine anymore.