I must've fallen asleep snuggling my phone because it was under my cheek when I woke up. I quickly checked to see if I received any new messages but, miraculously, there were none. I was feeling anxious and weak and it sickened me that I knew why. Alcohol. I hadn't had a drink since I was at the bar and even then, it hadn't been in my usual amount and I was feeling the ramifications of it now.
I despised addiction. I was the first one to say that only the weak became addicted to any kind of substance, yet here I was, downing a tiny bottle of scotch from the mini-bar in my room. I always made empty promises to myself, the kind that I never kept. Way too many tomorrows came and went and I still was a goddamn addict. My mum would be devastated if she knew and it was something I could only hope she'd never find out.
We were meeting on the bus to head to the venue for a quick soundcheck, even though we performed the night before. All of us were perfectionists and wanted to be sure tonight would rock as hard as last. We'd probably spend a couple hours there before coming back to the hotel to get our pre-show party on. Living the typical lifestyle, we were the rocker cliche. Models, movie stars, glamorous parties, it never ended. Keeping up was exhausting.
There was one highlight, a gleaming star, to my day. I was going to meet Brooke for drinks. I was surprised at how my heart skipped when I thought about it, I was nervous! She seemed so sweet, so someone my mum would approve of. Normal.
As I downed another mini bottle, not caring what sort of liquid was inside. As I tipped my head back and drank it in one gulp, I couldn't help but go there. What if. What if she didn't like me? I mean, realistically, why would she? I'm a drunk. Sure, on paper, I was pretty decent. Wealthy. Philanthropist. Fine family, even though my dad was a drunk, too. I suppose I would be looked upon as someone who 'had it all'. Except for that confounded self-confidence and trust when it came to women.
I hopped onto the bus and Stephen greeted me with a friendly slap across the back, "Didn't see much of you last night. What did you busy yourself with? Or, should I say whom?" He gave me a slightly mischievous grin as I grabbed a seat.
"I saw you and that little blonde hottie. You all were way busier than I was. I laid low last night, wasn't feelin' it." I really hadn't been, not with Brooke occupying my thoughts, despite the fact we had barely even gotten to know each other.
"She was alright. I told her to bugger off after an hour. There wasn't much going on in her brain other than my wanker." They all laughed with Stephen, his arrogance was actually quite hysterical.
I considered my bandmates, Stephen, Jarrod, Ryan and Nathan. We'd taken this eight year journey together and were impossibly close, like brothers. Often even fighting like brothers, as well. All four of them spoke to me, on quite a few separate occasions, regarding my drinking. Rightfully, they were concerned and thought I should check myself into rehab. It was something I was considering doing after the tour, I was just scared. But, the addiction scared me even more, to lose control wasn't something I'd ever thought I'd see happen to me.
It had been weighing on my mind quite heavily, especially lately. Because, with last night being an exception, I'd been drinking more. And, they knew it as well as I did. I couldn't hide anything from them. I didn't want to, either. They were family and we took care of each other.
"For life, my brothers." I roared, fist pumping the air.
In unison, they responded, "For life!"
I was back in Down Rulers mode, ready to entertain and be worshipped. Maybe that sounded cheap, pathetic. It shouldn't though, it was a fact of our life. It's what got me into my stage persona. Even during soundcheck, I needed my facade, the one that didn't have any problems. The facade that rocked the bass and caused the fans to scream my name.
Offstage, that was the person I wasn't so sure about being. For a vulnerable moment, I wondered if I should just cancel my midnight date with Brooke. Maybe I was already building her up in my mind as something delicate and to be treated gingerly. I was sabotaging whatever it was that could happen, I really needed to stop doing that.
One date. Drinks. What could possibly happen? It's not like we are going to run off and get married, we weren't in Vegas. Besides, she mentioned she had a drink limit because she hated hangovers, only super drunk people ran off to get married. I laughed out loud, my brain was being really stupid.
"Sorry, was thinking about something funny I saw on YouTube last night." The guys were looking at me weirdly, I had to come up with a quick, yet lame, excuse.
We arrived at the venue and went through another flawless soundcheck. Quite a few groups of fans had been loitering the parking lot and we let them come watch and hang out for a bit. They were harmless and grateful for the private concert.
There weren't any afternoon diversions in the small gathering so, when we were done, we thanked them and left. It was three, Brooke had almost finished her first day of internship. Once I was back on the bus, I figured I'd text her to confirm and see how her day was going.
"Hey. Still on for tonight?" I hit send and then stared at the screen in anticipation.
To my relief, she replied pretty quickly, "Hi Jesse. Yes, of course."
I felt the need to keep the text conversation going, "How's the new gig?"
Equally as fast as her first reply, "Overwhelming. It's a nice office space, though. People are friendly. Can't talk now, off at 5. Maybe text me later?"
Grinning, there was no way I wasn't going to text her, "For sure. Later, beautiful."
I put my phone into my pocket and pushed my chair back to recline, I was exhausted. Stephen passed me a beer and I accepted it with a nod of thanks. The guys were talking about the song line up, wondering if they should switch some of the numbers around. I didn't care so I didn't get involved in the decision making.
Tonight, I wouldn't allow myself empty promises. I'd deal with my body's repercussions when I needed to. I made a silent vow, no overdoing the drinking tonight. I wanted to be of sound mind and body when the clock struck midnight and I was face to face with the eyes that had taken over my thoughts since last night. I didn't want to risk not remembering. Unless, of course, there was nothing there except disappointment. Then, all bets were off and I'd slam tequila like the rockstar I am.
The bus driver took us on a little tour of the Motor City, pointing out landmarks like Greektown, the casinos and little up and coming areas. There was no rush to go back to the hotel, being in the bus was just as relaxing. Our driver was originally from the area so he was the perfect tour guide.
I was surprised at how busy the streets were, it was a contrast to the last time we'd visited a couple years back. George, the driver, mentioned that the city was 'making a comeback'. Even from the luxurious confines of the bus, we could feel the quickening of the pulse. It was hard not to get excited for the inhabitants of the once burnt out mess that Detroit was scared from.
After another beer, I was lulled into a deep sleep by the steady beat of the tires and the gentle rocking of the bus. It was there, in my dreams, I was met by dark curly hair and green eyes. Her mouth, with lips so full, turned up in laughter to something that had been said. In that dream, I reached out and stroked her bottom lip which caused her to bite the pad of my thumb. Suddenly, the dream turned to a nightmare where I was chasing her along a street of fire. When I caught up with her, I grabbed her and held her to me. When she turned her face to look up, it was a skeleton with green eyes. And a single tear ran down her cheek.
I woke with a gasp, I could feel my pulse in my neck. I jumped up and went to the fridge where I grabbed another beer, gulping it down as though I were dying of thirst. Stupid senseless dream that meant nothing. The after effects still shook me but the beer was helping to calm.
Nathan came and stood next to me, placing a hand on my shoulder, "You alright?"
I looked at my friend, "Yeah, I'm fine. Really." We went back all the way to primary school. He was a year younger than I was but had skipped a grade, making him a classmate. I don't remember how we became friends, each of us has a different memory. Yet, here we were, almost 20 years later, still mates.
It was actually the two of us that had formed Down Rulers. Only, we weren't called that at the time. We had named ourselves Maggot Bypass and no, not the prettiest name. We played a lot of covers, mostly from the 80's punk bands like GenX, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys and the like. We were repeats at a lot of bars, we drew in women. Even ones that didn't like the music we played.
Jarrod and Ryan came on about a year after we formed. It wasn't until Stephen joined, replacing our ex-lead who walked out on us after a fight, that we regrouped and became the beginnings of what we are today.
Nathan gave me a glance over and then left me alone, he probably sensed I was having internal dialogue. They all considered me the quieter one, I was oftentimes too wrapped up with whatever was going on in my head. Couldn't help it, my pop was like that too. Genetics, they are a crazy thing.
Stephen announced he was starving and had the driver take us back to the concert hall, our food was being catered for us and we had a feast to look forward to. We had a couple hours before we needed to get ready, which gave us plenty of time to eat and do whatever it was that needed to be done.
After we ate almost the entire deli spread, our assistants showed up to do hair and stage make up. Then, it was time for wardrobe. I wore my typical leather pants and band tank top, it got hot up on stage and I liked to dress as light as possible. Not that it stopped me from sweating but the first row seemed to enjoy when I shook my wet hair it sprayed them. Fans.
Before we hit the stage, I looked over the song list and quickly memorized the order we'd play them in. Old hits mixed with the new ones, ending with two of our biggest hits as the encore. I could play them all in my sleep and sometimes, I woke myself up playing air guitar.
I was actually antsy to get the show over and done with but I wouldn't let it show in my performance. Midnight seemed so far away.