Too far? Did he go too far? My mind was racing and I was trying to think of a response while trying to make sense of everything.
"No, I don't think so," I responded, pulling away from him. "I don't know. Can I think for a little bit? Please?" I stood and folded my arms across my chest. There were so many things about our breakfast conversation that I needed to put into context and wrap my head around. I could not put it all together on the spot.
He slowly stood and I felt him look at me for a long moment. I refused to turn to him. Eventually, I heard him pick up his plate and listened to him walk to the door where he paused. "Jen, I mean what I did, and I don't think it was a mistake," he said. "I want you to know that I have feelings for you. They've been around for a while, though I'm not exactly sure when they started. I want to kiss you again. I want to keep spending time with you. I don't want our trip to be over with."
When I didn't respond, he opened the door. "I'll meet you downstairs in an hour," I said as I heard the door start to close.
"I'll see you there," he said before letting the door close all the way.
I looked over at my food, no longer hungry. The eggs were probably cold and the pancakes soggy. I sighed and fell back on the bed to think.
He had feelings for me? Well, I had feelings for him, too, but what kind of feelings did he have? He did say he wanted to kiss me. Did he have a crush? Crushes went away. I didn't want to get into a relationship for it to fizzle out.
What was I thinking? I wasn't sure I wanted a relationship at all, least of all with him. But if that was truly the case, why was I so concerned about hurting him? I wanted to make him smile, to hear him laugh. I wanted all the good things for him.
My fingers touched my lips. It wasn't the first time someone had kissed me - that was back when I was in middle school and someone confessed to me by planting one on me against my wishes - but it actually felt like it meant something. Not just to him, but to me as well. I replayed it in my head. His lips were so soft, and I couldn't help but move my own against them. He'd caught me off-guard, but I found myself not wanting to take a moment of it back.
Did all of that mean I had a crush too? Just how deep did this crush go? I wasn't sure I was prepared for much of anything. All I'd ever had in life were bad examples. What if he turned out to be the exact same as them? As my father? What if he was only playing nice to win me over? It was a risk I wasn't sure I was willing to take. Not for real.
He said he felt like he owed me. Truthfully, I'd forgotten over the last couple of days about what I told him. We'd been having fun and I'd seen him in a new light, one not colored by responsibility. It had been somewhat refreshing, though I was getting antsy from not working all day every day. He was a part of that, too. Being with him felt relaxing in a way being with someone had never felt before.
From my limited knowledge, I definitely had a crush. ;
Great. What was I supposed to do about this? Our feelings were mutual. I never thought this would happen, and I never thought I'd ever want someone after seeing what my mom went through.
I crawled up to the headboard and buried my face in a pillow. Why did my stupid heart pick now to fall for someone? I was supposed to be trying to find a job and a place to live, and here I was, thinking about someone that probably wasn't even worth my time. How bad could the timing be?
I was depending on him to take me places. Not just that, but he was paying for hotel rooms. He was also buying me dinner pretty much every night. What if that changed because we aren't compatible and decide we're better off as friends or acquaintances? What if he decided that he was done with this trip and decided we should go back to Rapid Falls? I couldn't go back. I wasn't going back. At all. Period.
What if that happened, though? Would he just leave me here to fend for myself? Would he insist on my going back with him?
I made myself get up and get ready to go on a hike. What did one even wear to do that? He did say to wear layers, though. I dug around my suitcase while I mulled over the pros and cons. Then as I was about to walk out the door, I remembered an even larger question he'd reminded me of: was he forgiven?
Why did he have to remind me of that? Had it been weighing on his mind? That was the only reason I could think of. If it had been, then it was something he obviously meant. He must have been truly sorry. How could I not forgive him if that was the case?
The door closed with a gentle click behind me as I made up my mind. I took a deep breath and headed downstairs.
---
The mountains loomed in the distance. I couldn't help but stare in awe of them. My thighs burned, my feet hurt, I was about ready to pass out, and I had no idea how to get back to the car. Still, I forgot all of that the moment I could see the beauty of the mountains laid out before me. I'd been able to see a couple of peaks from Denver, but that didn't compare to this view.
Gentle slopes and striking peaks surrounded a pristine lake in the middle. I had no idea which lake, though I had a feeling that Brayden had told me at some point but I wasn't listening. At that moment, though, I was far more concerned with the utter beauty. I wished that I had a phone I could take a picture with.
"Want me to take a picture of you in front of this?" Brayden asked from behind me.
I turned and he was giving me a warm smile while holding up his phone. "Sure," I said, returning his smile. "Thank you." He guided me into the pose he wanted with me looking out at the scene. After I heard him take a couple of shots, I looked at him. His phone made the sound again, letting me know he just took another picture. "Let me see!"
He handed me his phone. I swiped through the pictures he'd just taken, and stopped on the one of me facing him. My face looked weird. Well, weird for me. I actually looked happy. Like genuinely happy. I felt myself tear up at the thought that this was probably the first picture I'd taken where I wasn't faking it.
"Like it?" he asked softly. I could only nod. He gave me another warm smile and took his phone back. "I can get it printed for you, if you want. I'll also send it to you when you get a phone." I gave him another nod. He started to put his phone away, but I grabbed his wrist.
"I want to take one of us together," I said timidly.
"Like a selfie?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, then." He moved next to me, angling us so the snowy peaks could be seen behind us. His arm was around my shoulders, and I leaned my head over on him. "Ready?"
"Yep."
He counted down and snapped a couple of pictures. I leaned closer to see them. Surprisingly, we looked good together. Our pose seemed so natural, like it was practiced. I glanced at him without moving my head. He was looking at the picture with a look I couldn't quite place. "Well, I guess we should head back," he said, pocketing his phone.
I grabbed the back of his shirt when he turned. A couple walked past us as he turned to me. "Um, I want to talk to you before we go back," I said. He faced me as I released him. "It's about what we did at the hotel." The couple that stopped nearby both looked at us before easing further down the path. I blushed as I realized what they must have thought I was talking about.
"The kiss?" Brayden asked a little on the loud side.
I let out a sigh of relief and nodded my head. The couple surely heard him. I hadn't thought he noticed. "Yeah, that. I don't know how okay I am with a relationship right now. I mean, I have things I want to do and I don't know how much you'll like it. What if you don't want me to do those things? Like, there's so many things that might happen if we get together, and I don't know how they'll turn out."
He faced me fully and gently took my shoulders. "Jen, I don't know what all is going on in that pretty little head of yours, but I want to know. Is there any way you could let me in? Even just for a little while? There's no other way I can know what you want. I'm afraid I can't read minds."
I chewed on my lip for a moment as I debated my answer. I wanted to say okay. I wanted to let him in on what I wanted. It was just a matter of what he wanted, and if it didn't line up with me, I had a strong feeling he was going to walk away from me. What did I do then?
"I want to leave Rapid Falls," I said after a moment, figuring that would end it. He had too many ties to the place. I couldn't see him ever leaving.
He looked at me for a few seconds. "I would like to leave eventually," he said slowly. "I'm not opposed to it."
"Not eventually. I meant now." I turned towards the view. "I don't think I can go back."
"We have to go back eventually. That's reality, Jen. Our lives are back in Rapid Falls."
I sighed before looking over at him. "I can't go back, Brayden."
"But that's where the store is, and where my parents are. It's where your home is."
I turned to him and folded my arms. "That hasn't been my home in years. I don't know that I ever truly thought of that place as home. Getting away from there is all I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember." I stepped back and held out my arms, gesturing around us. "I'm finally free. I'm out. I'm where I've always wanted to be."
He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again and speaking. "What are you going to do out here? What's the plan? Give me something and I'll consider staying out here."
I dropped my arms and walked up to him until we were inches apart. My hands slid up his chest to the back of his neck. "I'm going to find a job, and then find a place out here. You can find a job here, too. With both of us, I'm sure we'd be able to find something."
He breathed out through his nose before wrapping his arms around my waist. "How do you know you'll find a job? That either of us will find one?"
I shrugged and played with the hair at the nape of his neck. "I think that things will work out if we try had enough. You're a college grad, which means that they'll be more likely to hire you."
He gently pushed me away. "I don't think your plan is going to work the way you think it will." He sighed. "Come on. Let's go back to the hotel."
"Why? So you can turn me down?"
He ran his fingers through his hair, but didn't respond. He just turned and began walking to his car. I was tempted to stay there and not follow him, but after several paces, he stopped and waited for me.
Seemed like I had no choice but to go with him.