I sat back on the couch and looked at the ole doc. It's not like I told her absolutely everything. I left out some details here and there, but the gist was there. And boy, did she look like she was at a loss for words.
"I know what you're probably going to say."
"Oh?"
"Something about how some kind of trauma must have sent me into a grand delusion so that I could cope with all that must have been happening to me. Something like that I bet."
"And you think that's wrong." That wasn't a question. More like a statement.
"Look, I can come to terms with the fact that maybe my time with the crew is over. But I don't think it was a delusion. It was real."
"I believe that you believe it was real."
"Nice, doc. Really. That was very shrink-y of you. Does that mean I'm heading to the nut house?"
"No. So long as you can accept you are no longer there, I don't believe you're experiencing any delusions as of now. Meaning you are sane."
"Gee, thanks doc." I said, rolling my eyes.
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"I'm back again, doc. How's life going, shrinking heads?" I couldn't really be bothered with formalities.
"Misaki, why don't you ever use my name?" Oh shit. Perceptive.
"To be honest, he liked playing the nickname game and I guess it rubbed off on me a bit."
"Hmm, interesting." She wrote something down, making my eyebrow twitch.
"What is that you're writing?"
"Does 'playing the nickname game' make you feel closer to him?"
"Damn, ok, hopping right in." I murmured. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense."
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"Misaki, have you ever thought about putting yourself back out there?"
"Out where?"
"Back out into the dating world."
"Excuse me?!" I got a little too animated, jumping up out of my seat.
"Yes! Why don't you get out there? Try and connect with someone! It doesn't have to be serious!"
"What kind of therapist recommends dating when the client is still working on themselves?!"
"Well, normally I would say love yourself first, but I don't think that is the problem here. The problem is that you are unwilling to connect with anyone. Something that supposedly wasn't a problem when you were on your two year hiatus."
"I'm not betraying him." I said dryly.
"Misaki, it's been a couple months now."
"So? What's your point?"
"My point is that you've been spending the last few months avoiding making connections in hope that he might somehow, some day, show up and whisk you away back to the 'other reality'." I hated when she made quotes with her hands like that. I knew she didn't think it was real. That was fine. But it still bugged me.
"Yeah? Are you really a therapist? Or are you actually a conspiracy theorist? Cause that theory is wild."
"Don't you think if he could, he would have by now?"
"I don't really know how the time works between these places. Far less time passed while I was there versus here." I said plainly. I must sound insane.
"Regardless, why put your life on hold just for the phantom of a possibility? Why not live?"
In all actuality, she was hitting the nail on the head. Except for one thing. I knew Luffy. She didn't. And I didn't care if it took the rest of my lifetime. I had faith that he would come get me if it was possible. Was it discouraging that two months had passed? Absolutely. But at the very least, I refused to betray him. Luffy was the love of my life. I didn't need to go flirt with some stupid person to make myself feel better. I wasn't saying I refused to live my life, but I didn't need to find another guy.
"I'm just not interested."
"Hmm." She looked down and started writing.
"What the Hell is so interesting about that?!"
"Let's talk about why you are so unhappy here."
"Because it's not what I wanted?"
"So you are just refusing to connect with people because you didn't get what you want? Sounds pretty childish."
"Connecting with people isn't going to help me grieve."
"I beg to differ."
"I'm sure you do."
"Connecting with people here won't undermine the experience you had."
"I know it won't."
"Then why are you —"
"Because people here are boring. They are one dimensional."
"Everybody?"
"No, not everybody. Look, I still love my family. I still care about my friends. And I love being with my horse again. But it's just not that.... It's not that..." I sighed.
"Simple?"
"Yeah. Simple." I said, chuckling to myself.
"What's so funny about that?"
"Oh nothing." I said, looking out of the window.
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"Hey doc. I'm here, I guess."
"Misaki, it's been three months. Don't you think you can call me by my name?"
"Nah." I said, looking out of the window.
"What's wrong, Misaki?" Luffy hasn't come to get me? I'm starting to wonder if he can?
"I don't know. I'm just.. I'm just not happy here anymore. I'm working. I'm talking to my friends. I'm really trying here. But I'm just..."
The therapist looked at me, her pen ready.
"Look, the world I was in was broken, and toxic. This one is too. I get it. It is what it is. But I just feel so.... Suffocated here." There. I said it. Being here was suffocating. I didn't feel right.
"Why don't we do a little exercise?"
"Ok."
"Close your eyes."
I played along.
"Now empty your thoughts. What makes you happy?"
The straw hats immediately jumped into my mind. Nami confidently navigating. Luffy, sitting on the figurehead with a big grin on his face. Usopp tinkering with his gadgets. Zoro sleeping wherever he saw fit. A smile creeped up on my face.
"Now think about the feelings that make you happy, not the things."
That was harder. An image of Luffy smiling at me flashed in front of me. Love. Us playing with the water guns flashed in front of me. Fun. The seabreeze blew into my hair as I took in the morning sun. Beauty and... what is that? Everybody laughing, drinking, having a good time. Grabbing Luffy by the ear and chiding him for stealing my food. Dancing to the songs with not a care in the world. My eyes snapped open.
"Freedom. I just want to be free." For the first time in a long time, I smiled. Like, really really smiled. A full bodied, sunshine smile.
"And how do you think you can achieve that?"
"Oh, I know exactly what I'm gonna do!" I said with a grin. "Sorry doc, but this is our last session."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm leaving."
"Leaving to go where?"
"I don't know. I don't have a boat.. The beach, the woods. Yeah. I'll go bring my horse out west — and I'm going to be free. I'll move around just enough, and take myself wherever the wind blows." Like a land pirate. I snickered to myself. Time for my own adventure.
"Misaki, that is not what I was going for —"
"Thanks doc! I mean it! This is the best I have felt in a good long time!" I said, saluting her before hopping out the door. "YAHOOOOO!"