January 3, 1819 – Y/N
A happy new year indeed! I missed you all terribly during the holiday season this year, but John and I had a wonderful time here in Scotland with Michael. It snowed beautifully on Christmas Day, and it made me think of all of you and our often violent snowball fights on your birthday.
In fact, I believe this letter should reach you at around that time, so I am sending you the brightest of birthday wishes as well! While I won't be able to attend your celebration this year, seeing how we'll still be at Kilmartin House, I am sending you a wonderfully tight hug and hoping your day is incredibly special. Hit one of my siblings with a snowball for me, please! Preferably one of the boys, but really anyone will do.
Love from your sister, Francesca
You squinted your eyes in your dimly candlelit bedroom, unsuccessfully attempting to undo the tiny buttons on your dress. Perhaps it was the undercurrent of nervousness that had been moving through you the whole day, but you found your fingers were shaking so much that you couldn't hold them still for long enough to unclasp the buttons on your back. A deep sigh escaped your lips as you accepted that you were simply not going to be able to do this by yourself, and you gripped the edge of the chest of drawers in front of you as you willed your voice to come out sounding more carefree than you were feeling at the moment.
"Ben, darling, are you still upset about earlier?" you called across the room.
A small huff escaped his lips as he shifted on an armchair in the corner, murmuring something about betrayal and honor without looking up from his book. You smiled and held back a laugh, anxieties momentarily soothed. Per Francesca's request, you had hit Benedict less-than-gently in the chest with a tightly packed snowball during your annual snowball fight earlier today, and he had taken it quite to heart. Well, that and the fact that you had sneakily teamed up with Hyacinth and Gregory without telling him. It really wasn't your fault, you reasoned. Benedict had thought you would go easy on him simply because you were married to him, which, of course, was a foolish thing to think. Though he wasn't as competitive as you were, evident in your much more successful Pall Mall record, you knew today's loss still stung.
"Well, do you think could find it in you to help me with my dress?" you raised your eyebrows pointedly. "Or are you still feeling too betrayed?"
He immediately looked to meet your eyes, grudge completely forgotten as he nodded excitedly and rushed over to you from the armchair he had previously been sitting in. It was rather endearing that Ben was still giddy every time you asked for his help undressing, even after four years of marriage.
After a few moments of Benedict concentrating intensely on the buttons on your back, you teased, "Are you enjoying yourself?"
He hummed in assent and smiled at you, meeting your eyes in the mirror. "Oh, immensely. It certainly makes up for earlier, I think," he winked as he fiddled with the buttons.
Honestly, you were inclined to think that Benedict had been secretly asking your seamstress to make the buttons smaller on each new dress she made you so you would have no option but to ask for his help. Even so, you wouldn't have minded. You, too, enjoyed his sturdy hands on your back, his deft fingers fiddling with your dress and his lips softly kissing your shoulders as you told him about your day.
"A well-deserved win today, Mrs Bridgerton," he said, never quite growing tired of how sweet the title sounded coming from his mouth. "And on your birthday no less. A stellar performance. I suppose I'll have to start recruiting Simon and Daphne's children to help me against the lot of you from now on. And then when we have ones of our own I can form a small army and I will never lose again."
Your heartbeat sped up a fraction, but you were saved from having to answer when he undid the last button and your dress fell to the floor. Benedict placed his hands on your shoulders and gingerly turned you around to face him, drawing in a sharp breath as he took in your figure covered by nothing but your chemise, completely mesmerized by you. But he was quickly drawn out of his awe when he noticed your nervous eyes shifting around the room.
"Darling, what's wrong?" he asked, placing a gentle hand on your elbow and drawing you closer. "I wasn't truly upset about today, I promise. I rather enjoyed seeing you, Gregory, and Hyacinth absolutely obliterate everyone else. It was only a slight inconvenience that I was one of the people you were obliterating."
You shook your head, sending him a small smile. "No, no don't worry, Ben. It's not that at all," you said, laying your head on his shoulder tiredly, an entire day of worrying having taken a toll on you.
"But it is something, then," he prodded, desperate to find out what was making you so anxious.
You said nothing, fiddling nervously with the hem of his waistcoat instead. Benedict, on his part, was growing increasingly alarmed. Usually, he could instantly tell exactly what was plaguing you, but you were being oddly evasive, and he was at a loss. Perhaps the best thing to do was to let you rest and broach the subject tomorrow morning, so he tugged on your hand and sat you down on the bed.
"It's alright, darling," he said, softly kissing your forehead. "I'll ring for some tea, and we can get ready for bed."
"I think I'm pregnant," you blurted out before he could let go of your hand to go ask for some tea from the kitchen. Your shoulders sagged in relief, and you immediately felt a weight lifted off your shoulders as you said the words aloud.
"What?" he asked, eyes wide.
"Pregnant. With child."
"With my child?"
"Well, I certainly hope so," you responded, laughing.
He instantly relaxed, rolling his eyes and engulfing you in a tight hug. "Oh, shut up, woman! I was merely trying to process the news," he laughed, ecstatic that there would soon be a tiny version of one of you running around the house. He looked at you, eyes shining, and shook his head as if he couldn't quite believe it.
"So, you're happy?" you asked, anxiety still lingering in the back of your mind. It had been four years, after all. Your marriage had happened rather hastily, considering the years the two of you had spent pining after one another, and you had decided to revel in your romance for a while before having children. And eventually, you had wanted them. It was just slightly frightening to know that the time had actually come. You were excited, of course. You couldn't imagine a better life than one where you raised children alongside your best friend, but you couldn't help the nervousness you felt as you locked eyes with Ben.
"Happy? I'm over the moon, darling," he said giddily and pushed you back on the bed so he could plant kisses all over your face.
"If I knew it would be like this I would've gotten pregnant earlier," you joked as Benedict moved on to kiss your neck and your breathing got heavier.
---
You awoke quite suddenly, sitting up in bed so abruptly that Ben's arm, which had previously been wrapped around you with his hand placed on your stomach, fell away from your body entirely.
Benedict grumbled in protest, noticing your absence even in his sleep. Typically, you slept on your side, with Benedict wrapped around you until the moment you woke up. Despite your racing heart, you smiled down at him, placing a soft kiss on his temple and sliding yourself back into his arms.
But your attempts to fall back asleep were futile. You had stopped tossing and turning but found yourself lying on your side, staring at the wall opposite you while you felt Benedict's chest rising and falling against your back as he breathed.
"S'wrong?" Benedict asked sleepily, sensing that you were still awake.
Not wanting to disturb his sleep more than you had already, you whispered, "No, it's nothing, Ben. You can go back to sleep."
But Benedict was having none of it. He rubbed his eyes and blinked a few times, turning you around to face him. "That's alright. I was awake anyway," he lied, voice husky with sleep. "What's wrong? I'm incredibly awake. Awake. I am awake."
"Sounds like it," you said, laughing at him softly. You leaned up and pecked him on the lips, secretly thankful for his unrelenting line of questioning.
Blinking the sleep from his eyes and leaning on his arm to face you, Ben looked at you and smiled fondly. "I am! Promise." Then, tracing his fingertips on your arm, he pressed you a bit more. "It's just me, darling. What's on your mind?"
"I'm a bit scared," you whispered. "Actually, I'm terrified. Terrified of becoming a mother, and of having to take care of an entire other human being, and of what it might change between us. Is this what you really want? Having a child?"
Benedict's fingers never stopped moving as he thought of how to best address your fears, knowing the motion calmed you down. "Having a child with you," he corrected. "Of course it's what I want! I get to see a little bit of you in an entirely different person. And you're my favorite person. So, I don't really see a downside."
You hummed thoughtfully, feeling slightly calmer. "But what if I'm a bad mother? What if our child is unhappy?" you cried, tears brimming your eyes as you thought of the endless scenarios in which you failed as a mother.
"What if you're a great mother? And our child is happy?" Ben countered. "Look at how you are with Gregory and Hyacinth. How you've always been with them. You're going to be a wonderful mother, Y/N. Besides, we'll learn how to be parents at the same time and it'll be something we do together."
Nodding thoughtfully, you interlocked your fingers with Benedict's. "I suppose you're right," you conceded. "It will certainly be a hell of an adventure."
Sensing that you had calmed down significantly, Ben added cheekily, "Don't forget you'll finally have someone else you can force to listen to your ramblings about literature."
You smacked Benedict playfully. "You enjoy the ramblings, might I remind you," you replied airily.
Kissing the top of your nose, he tucked your hair behind your ear and winked. "Mm, I believe I did admit to this, yes." Then, after a few moments of comfortable silence, he spoke up gently, "What about you?"
"What about me?" you asked.
"Is having a child what you really want?"
Your heart melted a bit. Even after he woke up in the middle of the night to have a chat with you and was clearly exhausted, he was still making sure you were alright. "Well, obviously. I'm thrilled! Especially now you've brought up the fact that I can have a book club of my own. If it's a boy, I bet he'll be just like you. A tiny Benedict running around the house ruining our expensive furniture with acrylic paint."
"And if it's a girl we'll name her Daisy, right? Flower names and all that," he replied sleepily, relieved you were finally easing into the idea of motherhood. "She'll be just as smart as you are, I bet. I'll give her the flower encyclopedia as well so she can know where her name came from. I think the one I gave you is still at Bridgerton House. I'm sure we could find it if we look."
You gasped, having forgotten about your childhood plans to name your daughter after a flower. "Oh, that would be so darling!"
Benedict laughed softly, kissing you and pulling you back into his arms. "It would, wouldn't it? Do you want to go back to sleep?" he asked, burying his nose in your hair as his eyes fluttered shut. You nodded, squeezing the hand that was nearest to you and interlocking your fingers.
Ben was fast asleep soon after, but you spent a few moments looking at his sleeping form, chest rising and falling as his breathing deepened. Your heart swelled with love for this silly boy you had fallen in love with all those years ago. He was your husband now! Even after four years, you couldn't quite believe how lucky you'd gotten. And you would get to raise a child together now. You really couldn't imagine anything better.