I was practicing being gentle with my grandfather. The results were mixed. I just hated to think of myself as an angry person. It was a work in progress, but being a gentle person mattered more to me than my own anger. I was drinking a lot of tea. I was gardening. I was studying my French. I was taking a lot of intentional deep breaths. Calme-toi, de'accord.
It helped to try and think of things from the perspective of others. I stayed up late trying to recall conversations I'd had with my mother. She'd said nice things about my grandfather Benjamin before. She told me how he used to take her for walks when she was young. He'd sing to her while she skipped down the sidewalk on the way to church. They were gospel songs. He made her feel like she was floating. I needed to not be yelling at the man that made my mom float.
School was back in full swing anyways and since I'd missed more than a week for my time at the reservation, I had plenty of catch up to be doing. It helped fill the time since I was staunchly refusing any sort of meaningful social life. Harrison was kind of gutted to lose his party buddy.
Another development that occurred while I was missing: Bonnie and Cameron broke up.
Bonnie had never been shy about giving me details, which was why it was kind of infuriating that she wouldn't tell me why. I didn't even know who did the dumping. I couldn't tell if it had been mutual. Neither of them would talk about it. I just knew that Bonnie was very visibly devastated and that Cameron couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye. He seemed pretty similarly broken up about the entire thing. Our foursome felt quite awkward during lunch times in the aftermath, and Cameron started drifting over to his friends from science club occasionally. I gave them both Smokey quartz crystals to help with the conflict.
I really missed Whaya during this time. I thought I was maybe allowed to call her, but since she hadn't called me I settled for sending a letter to her new home. It was vague. It wasn't exactly likely, but I was scared to put something incriminating into writing lest someone intercept it. She'd been my confidant and I couldn't risk allowing myself to feel like our conversations were being watched. Instead of trying to divulge anything serious to her, I told her I missed her. I told her I was thinking of strength for her and that I'd appreciate it if she could return the favor. I asked how to get into her presence again.
There's art and power in language by the way. I'd not given Whaya anything of my recent struggles, but I still felt lighter to know that I could reach her in written word. Even though that letter was vague I edited it several times. I chose my words carefully.
I'm avoiding talking about Adeline and Roy Barker at the moment, but I'll come to them soon. Just know that this awkward half peace lasted only a month. Then the Christmas season began.
I was being kind to Grandfather Benjamin because I wanted it to make me a more gentle person. Building myself into that meant getting a Christmas tree.
We'd never celebrated Christmas before. Christmas to Grandfather Benjamin meant baby Jesus Christ was born(This was prior to long haired Jesus and the nasty business with the nails), so that meant church. We always spent Christmas morning in church. Children sang gospel songs and cookies were passed around. Family's always regarded us respectfully, and mothers smiled in my direction. The youth group that Grandfather Benjamin thought I hung out with on a nearly daily basis got to see me on a day that wasn't a Sunday. I always wore a jacket with the button up shirt I wore and my hair was always pulled back attempting to appear as short as possible.
On this particular Christmas I tried to make Christmas cheer a part of baby Jesus's birthday. I found us a Christmas tree.
Don't ask me how I got the tree. That doesn't matter. If they actually cared they would have watched it better.
It was a fake tree. I know that a real tree would have been more festive, but I couldn't fathom staring at a dead tree in the home. Whaya taught me to protect plants better than that. Luckily she'd also taught me and my mother the beauty of Yule. I made that plastic tree beautiful.
In addition to the tree, I lit a menagerie of jolly Christmas scented candles, which helped bring about a festive mood and also maybe masked the smell coming from my closet a little bit.
Depending on the day, my efforts either made Grandfather Benjamin reluctantly amused or deeply annoyed. When he offered a slight smile to the Christmas tree I thought I was practically winning an award. When he griped about the mess I was making, I still tried to grin back. He was uncharacteristically accepting of Christmas. I wondered if I could recall any time my mom had mentioned he was a festive type. All I could remember was that she'd said her mother made the best baked goods for that holiday. She said she hung lights and sang almost as much as her husband did that time of year. I tried to imagine that if Grandfather Benjamin loved his late wife, then maybe that's where his slight smile was coming from.
With me around, he didn't devolve anywhere near as bad as he had in my absence. At the very least, the incontinence seemed to have stalled out. He did not try to leave the house without trousers again. He even seemed to drink slightly less and since I wasn't going to parties, I really focused on making dinner every night. He began eating better, as he always did when I paid good attention. He hadn't even brought up the fact that I'd blocked fox news on the television. It was a Christmas miracle.
We went to church on Christmas morning. I schmoozed and kept conversation and smiled when old women told Grandfather Benjamin that I was a "fine young man," and Grandfather Benjamin seemed to be in good spirits on our trek home. I'd had real dinner delivered, courtesy of his credit card. I let him watch a weird documentary about the birth of Christ and poured him fine whisky. It was shaping up to be one of our calm days.
At the end of the evening, I gave him a gift. We'd never exchanged gifts before and he didn't have something for me, which I was content with. Being reasonably nice to me for an entire day was all the gift I needed, but I'd still gotten something for him.
He unwrapped it with an almost confused look on his face. Then he saw it, small carved nativity pieces, delicately painted to show the aspects of tiny baby Jesus's birth in the manger. I'd nearly spent the last of my money from Whayas business on it. His smile was actually true.
"There's hope for you yet," he said to me, while ruffling my hair. There were no complaints about the length attached for once. It was the closest to a compliment he'd ever extended my direction.
They're typically a Christmas specific decor item, but for the rest of the time that we lived together, it would sit there on the shelf year round reminding me of the type of peace kindness could offer.
Shortly after, I put him to bed. It was easy to make him retire that night. Church days were exhausting for him. Grandfather Benjamin especially struggled with energy on days when we left the house, but also on days like that where I'd commanded his attention for so long.
I went for a walk after he went to bed because something in the air silently called for me to go outside. I was exhausted too. Wearing a suit always exhausted me. I was still in it and the collar felt suffocating until I released a few buttons down my chest. I think it would have been different if I'd stayed inside, but maybe it wouldn't have been. I'd made a mess for myself. Messes demand to be addressed.
I circled the block and then came back up my own street. As my own home came back into view, I had the unfortunate pleasure of laying my eyes on Adeline.
She was leaning on the gate waiting for me. It was clear she knew I was out. Her eyes located me at almost the same moment that I'd seen her, and all at once my heart was struck with fear again for the trouble she'd seemingly brought me. I was also self conscious. I didn't recall that Adeline had ever seen me so blatantly dressed as a boy.
I thought about turning around and running, but she was leaned on my gate. She clearly knew how to find me. I suddenly wondered if I'd been followed. That was how they'd found Whaya, obviously. Someone had to have followed me. My mind couldn't help but turn with that possibility. This was clearly bigger than I could avoid.
I straightened my shoulders and threw confidence into my features. Then I walked her way.
"You're leaning on my gate," I stated instead of greeting her. I couldn't read her features through the blank stare she was offering, so I chose casual conversation. If she wanted something she was going to have to be brave enough to verbalize it. "You can't do that. It's old. My grandfather will have a heart attack if you break it."
"You've been ignoring me," she stated, still leaned on my gate. I'd caught up to her at that point.
"You had my Whaya taken away," I replied in the same tone.
"I didn't—" she started and then stopped herself. I found that interesting.
"You did," I replied calmly. My fingertips felt numb. I took a deep breath.
"It wasn't me," she replied softly. "It's more complicated than that Florence."
I tried not to meet her eyes, but it was too hard. I cared deeply for Adeline, and it didn't matter that she'd seemingly betrayed me in some way. She'd treated me quite well up until then. We'd slept together repeatedly. Sex was fun for me, but it was also intimate. I didn't do it flippantly. I did it because we connected, and because Adeline's mere presence made me feel excited and playful in a way other people didn't. I've already said it before, but she's the only woman in my life for whome I've ever had genuine affection in such a way. She was my friend and she'd betrayed me.
"You're hurt," she narrated my own thoughts. "I get that Flo. I know it wasn't right, and I wish I could—"
"Explain," I cut her off.
She looked pained. "I can't."
"Then I need you leave and I need you to stop leaning on that gate," I said tensely. I went to step around her. She had evidently stop leaning, but she stepped infront of me when I tried. "Adeline."
"You don't get what it's like," she attempted to argue still, her voice breaking. "You just disappeared on me and I..."
"Do you even realize how alarming this is?" I demanded in an almost uncomfortably calm criticism. "I've never brought you here, but you know exactly where I live? I'm half convinced he's going to come murder me."
"What?" She asked incredulously. "Who? My dad?"
"He had me followed?" I responded in the same tone.
"Not because he wanted to hurt you," she clarified quickly.
I couldn't help but darken my features into a glare. "He took my Whaya away, Adeline. He took the literal only family I had."
"You have your grandfather," she argued. "You were recently with your dad. Whaya was a special circumstance. They had history. It wasn't about you at all."
I stared at her. I really just stared like I hadn't ever seen her before, as if I'd never kissed her face or touched her body. I refused to believe this was someone I'd trusted. I even refused to believe she was so oblivious. This had to be an act or a farce of some kind. It had to be.
"He is having me followed," I stated after a pause. "He is keeping tabs on my family, and tracking my every move. If you can't see why I have a problem with that, then that isn't my problem. I have enough problems to be worried about. I don't have time to be sad that you're not the person I thought you were."
Adeline let that devastated look bloom on her face again. It made me at least mildly sympathetic. It was hard being angry withh someone that I had genuinly missed in the preceeding weeks. She'd clearly played a role in something incredibly harmful to me, but I still couldnt help but feel bad that she looked so broken up about it. I was struck suddenly with how unfair that all was. Why did I have to feel bad when she'd been an agent in taking things from me? Was there a bigger story? Was there a version of this where Adeline was a victim too? I didn't want to think about that option.
Unfortunately, I was thinking of Whaya again. My brain was fixated on Whaya and unanswered letters and the fact that I was now forced to walk on eggshells to keep the peace with my grandfather, and that wasnt excatly related, except for I never would have gone to the reservation without having lost Whaya. I never would have caught a glimpse of the happy dyfunctionally functional family that wanted me with them under pretty trees, and I never would have come home just to be alone with him and his mess again. Truly I'd just had a difficult few weeks and now I was here with her standing infront of my house making it very clear that the trouble I was in was not likely to leave me alone. I wanted to scream. The deep breaths weren't working.
"Why did this happen to me?" I asked miserably. I didn't even know what I was asking her. I just know the anger in my voice was breaking out for something like sorrow instead.
Adeline seemed to gather that I was not in much of a fighting mood anymore too, because she stepped forward and hugged me. I let her, which felt pathetic in the moment, but Ive learned in time that letting yourself be comforted is the most natural act there is. Humans need eachother, especially when the brain is cycling the drain on panic. I could only tell myself to calm down and be nicer so many times before the source of those feelings finally came to head. I wasn't wound tight because I was fed up. I was scared. The current situation had scared me so badly I'd fled the city and I couldnt ignore it anymore.
"Its not fair," she said. She lowered her voice like she was tellilng a secret. "I didn't mean for you to get caught in it. He just saw you and found out what you were doing because you're not incredibly discreet Flo. I asked him to leave it alone, but as soon as he found out Whayas name, it was over. They fell out a long time ago, way before you were ever involved."
"Why did you tell him?" I pressed, my face in her shoulder.
"Im sorry," she said, which wasn't an answer, but it sounded so dejected that I accepted it anyways.
A long while later, I'd learn that Adeline was just as scared as I was. I'd realize that Roy Barker cared little for how others felt. Even his own daughter wasn't safe from it. Its why her mother had left. It's also why she never stood a chance. He didnt care that she cared for me. He just cared that he could use all of that to hurt Whaya. My anger at Adeline was simply misplaced.
My thoughts were already circling those things, but it would take me much longer to fully reach the conclusions. I didn't have time like that in the moment though, because while I still stood there in her embrace, we were interupted by the familiar cold and unsettling presence of none other than Roy Barker.
"Oh," he said, which startled me. I stepped away from Adeline to see him walking up from the corner. "You guys made up? Good. I was hoping it would go well."
I looked to Adeline. "You brought him here?" I demanded.
"I wasn't going to let my daughter wander the streets of the city alone in the middle of the night," Roy said with an amused laugh. "Are you crazy, Cricket?"
"Cricket?" Adeline asked, looking both confused and annoyed at the same time. Her demeanor had changed very quickly. She was not the soft person I knew. Her shoulders were tighter. She was ready to argue. I couldnt imagine mustering something like that for such a scary man. I immedietly resolved myself to practice looking tough like that in the mirror later if he didn't kill me on the sidewalk first.
"Cricket, " Roy mused. "Florence. Darling. Benjamen. What are we actually supposed to call you, son?"
I glared, but offered no answer to that.
"Thats fine," he assured me. "We all have names we hide behind."
I suddenly felt sick again.
"Well," he smiled. "I have a list of things to do, but youre not at the top of it yet. You're only number three right now. We can chat another time. I'll just keep an eye on you until then. You dont mind, do you?"
"Dad!" Adeline snapped with a bit of an adolecent whine. "Leave them alone! Youre scaring Flo!"
He looked at her like he found her aggresively annoying. Then he looked back to me and smiled.
"There are plenty of thing to be scared of," he assured me. "But I just find you interesting. Theres nothing scary about being interesting, Number Three."
He turned around and started back the way he'd come. After a few paces he glanced to Adeline with a cold parental eye and then kept going. She looked at me helplessly. I had a lot of questions from that one singular interaction, but I knew they werent going to get answered. It was very clear to me that neither of us were in a position of any sort of power there. I nodded to her in resignation and she continued on her way after him.
I still stood outside even after they were gone. I thought about the first time I'd met my granfather, when he'd called me a boy. He'd reduced me so quickly to something I'd never even considered. On second I was a flowing life of possibilty. I was everything, and then I was just a boy, with all the expectations that came with it. My mother had resisted it, but I'd felt so small and trapped in that moment, if not just for a fleeting space of time. I'd broken out of it though. Even after Grandfather Benjamin had put me in an all boys school, I'd still demandedd more. I'd tried to do what she told me, to make myself something bigger; something she could be proud of.
Then I'd sold drugs for fun bevause I thought I was invincible. I'd taken every bit of oppurtunity and squandered it. I'd involved myself in something stupid and dark and sinister. I'd put a target on my own back right alongside Whayas.
And now I wasnt even a person. I wasnt a gender. I wasn't an expectation. I was Number three.
I had the distinct thought in that moment that Grandfather Benjamin was right. My mother would be rolling in her grave.