CHAPTER FIVE
HOW TO DISAPPEAR
Alaska doesn't like to cry. She knows that she should. It's good to cry. It's good to let everything out, to show that you're human. Sybil always told her that it was a sign of weakness. 'The strongest creatures don't cry, they take the hit and move on,' she'd say. And those words have always remained, echoing across the deepest depths of Alaska's brain, telling her that perhaps she isn't as strong as she thinks she is.
She's never cried this much for somebody. At least, she doesn't think so. Alaska wonders why Joel's death hit her ten times harder than anything else she's ever experienced. Maybe she's gotten too comfortable with the safety of Jackson. Maybe she let her guard down.
Alaska lets out a dragged breath. There's an empty feeling in her stomach that feels heavy. Her feet defy her as they approach the front of Ellie's garage. She's lost count of how many times she's contemplated knocking on the door. She can't help this deep-rooted belief that Ellie would rather see anyone in the world but her.
Alaska takes a step forward, fidgeting with the ring on her thumb. She stays there. She stares at the worn wood of the door. Her breath shakes with hesitance. Then, with whatever willpower she can muster up, Alaska knocks on the door. But as she does, the feeling of intense regret fills her up. She gets the urge to run away.
To run from everything; just as she's done times before.
She feels conflicted. She wants to see Ellie— of course she does— but at the same time, she believes herself to be the last person that Ellie would want to speak to right now. She feels out of place, almost. Maybe she shouldn't be here.
Yet, as the front door slowly creaks open, that belief withers down. Any and every irrational idea that Alaska might've created vanishes into thin air. She sees Ellie's torn look and her tear-stained cheeks, and all she wants to do is comfort her. Physically, verbally, it doesn't matter.
But she can't.
Inside, Alaska knows that she can't take a step towards the girl in front of her because something is still in the way. The walls they had build around each other, against each other, were still high as ever. And even though Ellie was willing to forgive her, even though that short moment during patrol had felt so peculiarly familiar, Alaska knows that it could never be the same.
She freezes in her spot when Ellie opens the door but she doesn't look away. Neither does Ellie. Alaska feels as though so many words are spoken, so many apologies and understandings, despite having said nothing at all.
"Hey." Alaska spoke first, breaking through the silence, offering nothing but a short grin.
"Hey." Ellie sighed.
Alaska can hear the crickets chirping in the distance. The silence is overwhelming. She misses when she used to like the silence. She misses when the silence used to be her favorite song. She misses when she used to live in it as if the silence had been something she couldn't live without.
Now, though, the silence is much different.
"Can I come in?" Alaska curls her brows with a familiar sense of sorrow.
Ellie nods her head softly, "Yeah." She mutters as she moves away from the door, letting Alaska pass.
Alaska notices an untouched box sitting on the coffee table by the couch. Tommy had passed by earlier and dropped off some food that Maria made. Tommy told Alaska about their interaction— how Ellie was so determined to go to Seattle and catch the people that killed Joel. Tommy and Maria had been arguing about it while Alaska was locked in her room, unwilling to listen to the two banter back and forth.
The truth is: Alaska will do anything to get justice. Just like Tommy and Ellie would. And Maria might just hate them for it.
Alaska stands by the door as Ellie closes it. She doesn't know how to shake the awkwardness in her body. She hasn't been inside Ellie's place in years but she notices how it all looks the same. Every time Alaska's eyes catch something— the posters, the drawings, the guitar— she thinks about the memories that come with it. Her heart aches slightly at the thought.
"Ellie?" Alaska turns to face her.
Ellie wipes the tears away from her face, "Yeah?" she lets out in a whisper.
The pain on Ellie's face is something that physically hurts Alaska's chest. Like a knife stabbing into her lungs, twisting and turning. It's like a wave of sadness radiates across all four walls of the small garage, consuming them entirely. Mercilessly.
"If you end up leaving tomorrow, I wanna come with you." Alaska let out, never pulling her eyes away.
Ellie shook her head instantly, "It's too dangerous—"
"I don't care." Alaska cut her off.
"Maria wouldn't just let you leave." Ellie continued to argue, crossing her arms over her chest. "And she won't change her mind."
"Neither will I. She'll understand." Alaska nodded her head, looking down at her shoes. "These people... they're the people I grew up with. They don't care about who they hurt, and I can't just let them get away with it." She said, looking up at Ellie with a pleading look. "I'm done running from them."
Ellie lets out a deep sigh, shifting in her place as she looks down at her feet. Deep down, Ellie knows that nothing will stop Alaska from coming to Seattle with her. And there's a small part of Ellie that's relieved by the thought of knowing that Alaska feels the same way she does. They'll stop at nothing to get what they want.
"Okay." Ellie says, barely nodding her head.
For a short moment, the unbeatable silence returns. It echoes loudly, like a lingering shadow or an endless void. Neither of them know what to say next. It's so odd to suddenly speak to someone that you haven't spoken to in such a long time. Someone that's become a stranger, yet someone that you know so deeply.
"Have you slept?" Ellie asked hesitantly, scratching the back of her neck.
Alaska's nightmares are something that have haunted her since the very beginning. She awakes with a gasp, sweat covering every inch of her body, dizzy from the sudden jolt and the fear that fills each fiber of her being. It's like a cycle that she can't escape, no matter how damn hard she tries. There've been countless of times when Ellie witnessed it happen.
Alaska shrugs, "Not really." She answers vaguely.
Despite shutting her eyes moments before Joel's death to avoid the permanent image, those nightmares still revisit whatever details she'd picked up. And sometimes, her nightmares distort and create different versions of what really happened, confusing Alaska to her core.
"Me either." Ellie's voice became low.
Alaska continues to play with the ring on her thumb, feeling nervous, shifting her legs, "Have you eaten?" she asks, although she already knows the answer.
"Not really." Ellie muttered, barely above a whisper, looking away.
Alaska glances at the box of food on the coffee table. She contemplates once again. But then, as if something awakens inside of her, as if some magical force switches her way of thinking, she decides that nothing in this world matters more than Ellie.
Alaska quietly walks over to the coffee table, kneeling down to sit on the floor instead of taking a seat on the couch. It reminds her of the times when she had slept over, eating tons of food while watching Jurassic Park for the hundredth time. It feels like forever ago but, at the same time, it feels like yesterday.
"C'mon." Alaska raises her brows, waving Ellie over to sit beside her. "Grab some forks."
Ellie is hesitant, but she complies nonetheless. She doesn't have the energy nor the will to argue.
Back when they were friends, there were occasions where the only time Ellie would eat was when Alaska had snuck in with leftovers she stole from Maria. She never mentioned who it was for or why she brought it, but they would always end up sharing it. Alaska didn't have to say a single thing and, in a way, it made everything slightly easier.
When Ellie kneels to sit beside her, Alaska can finally see the few cuts and bruises that scatter across Ellie's face. She wonders if Ellie has taken care of them. Probably not. She notices the dark circles under Ellie's eyes, proving that she hasn't slept. Her gaze is distant and it worries Alaska. The light in Ellie's eyes— it's dimming. Slowly. Perhaps it's been dimming for a long time and now seems to be when Alaska finally notices it.
Alaska forgets that Ellie can see her too. That she can really see her, not just look at her from afar. The closeness— it's rare. It's something that neither of them have experienced in years. It's overwhelming yet familiar. Ellie notices the fresh cut on Alaska's lip, and the bruise by her eye, and the light freckles on the bridge of her nose that one would only notice if they've ever been close enough to, and the smudged eyeliner that she hasn't had the energy to wash off.
It's all the same but different.
Now, in this very moment, it's as though their past doesn't matter. All of the bottled up emotions that have been tucked away and hidden behind the walls have vanished. Whatever hatred, whatever anger, whatever unspoken words that remain between the two have disappeared. In this moment, they have the chance to just breathe. They have the chance to just be two broken bodies, taking in whatever they can to forget how fucked up their world has become, even for a short moment.
Neither of them are willing to admit it, of course.
At the end of the day, Alaska must keep her end of their promise. Though, the acts of this promise come so naturally. So essentially. It's something that the two of them do without thinking. Something that's drilled into their subconscious.
Alaska finds it scary; how easy it is to care for someone in such a way. So easy, it's like breathing. So easy, that you don't know how it feels to not care, even when you don't speak anymore.
But, sometimes, caring too much can lead to deceit. It can lead to lies. Mistakes. Alaska knows that better than anyone. She lied to protect Ellie. She lied, and it cost her their friendship. So, sometimes, you have to lose someone to realize just how far you'd go for them.
So much has changed within the past two years. So much darkness has found its home within the people of Jackson. Alaska feels like things have gotten worse since she lost Ellie. Maybe not literally, but her world has only gotten darker. Perhaps thinking that way isn't healthy, maybe it's down right crazy, but Alaska has not one bone in her body that cares.
"I wanted to show you something." Alaska suddenly speaks up, digging into the inner pocket of her jacket.
She pulls out a polaroid picture from Ellie's fifteenth birthday. The both of them were wearing matching astronaut helmets, holding up peace signs with big smiles on their faces. Joel had used the last of the camera film, so there was no other picture in the world that was even remotely similar to it. It was also the only picture that existed from that day.
She places the polaroid picture on the table and slides it in Ellie's direction. Before Ellie's eyes can begin to scan the picture, they come across all of the rings on Alaska's fingers— the ones she's been collecting and wearing for years.
Maria always told Alaska that wearing rings was impractical, but that never stopped her. Alaska's ongoing argument was that they'd would make a punch against an enemy hurt ten times worse. Tommy just chuckled a wordless agree.
Ellie looks down at the picture with an unfamiliar look on her face. Alaska can't tell if she's about to smile, or cry, or scream in her face. She still doesn't know what Ellie is thinking and it makes her want to crawl out of her skin.
"I, uh..." Alaska looks down at her hands, "Earlier, I was going through some boxes. Found that in one of 'em." She clarified, clearing her throat.
The truth is: Alaska had been rearranging her bedroom, as she does whenever she needs a sense of control. When nothing else in the world feels right, she knows that the one thing she can control is the way her room looks. The one place that provides her with peace and sanctuary. She doesn't really know why, but it helps relieve the stress on her shoulders.
Alaska looks down at the polaroid in Ellie's hands, then up at her face. "You should keep it." She finally says, painting a short grin at the corners of her lips.
Ellie seems lost in thought— as if the polaroid picture sends her into another universe, as if each little detail of that day suddenly replays before her. Ellie's gaze distances, but it remains on the picture.
Ellie looks up at her, holding onto the polaroid picture tightly as if she were afraid that it would disintegrate within her fingertips. "Thank you." Ellie mutters, her voice low and tired, cracking due to the endless tears she has shed in the past few days.
Alaska wants to say something more. She wants to talk about that day— about how Ellie's birthday had been such a core memory. Mere months after arriving in Jackson, Ellie's birthday was one of the first times Alaska had ever felt like she wasn't tied down to the pain in this world. She wants to talk about how much she loved Joel, how grateful she was to have met someone like him— someone that would protect them from anything and everything. She wants to tell Ellie that she'll always be there for her, no matter what happens now, or tomorrow, or the next day.
But she can't.
She can't say any of that because it's just not them anymore. It's not something that she can bring up and blurt out. Maybe at one point it would've been okay for her to say something. But now, the words don't properly form in her head nor escape her lips. They forever remain stuck in her throat.
Alaska sucks in a breath, looking down at her hands to avoid Ellie's eyes. "I should go." She speaks quickly, standing on her feet and making her way towards the front door.
"You don't have to." Ellie blurted without thinking, still holding onto the polaroid.
Alaska pauses for a short moment, taking in Ellie's words. And for a split second, Alaska considers staying. She thinks that maybe there really has been a change between the two— that the complicated hatred has truly, fully, disappeared.
But Alaska feels wrong staying there. Perhaps Alaska has grown comfortable in the way she and Ellie have begun to act around one another. Perhaps she's worried that if she makes another mistake, it would take them back to square one.
Alaska decides that she's safer when she's distant. She doesn't want to open herself back up too quickly. And she knows that Ellie feels the same. So, for the sake of them both, Alaska doesn't stay.
"Well— It's just, Maria's expecting me back." Alaska stuttered out, facing Ellie once again. "Y'know how she is. If I'm not home soon, she'll have the whole town out looking for me." She added with a light and meaningless chuckle.
Ellie merely nodded her head with the slight slump of her shoulders. Alaska can't tell if the emotion on her face is defeat or relief. And truthfully, Alaska doesn't know which of those she's feeling either.
"Goodnight, Ellie." Alaska says before she turns to face the door.
"Night." Ellie mutters again, her voice never louder than a whisper.
Alaska stops, turning once more. "Listen, um..." She swallows, looking down at her hands. "If you ever need anything, my window is always open." She says with an unnoticeable ounce of hesitance.
Ellie nodded again, the mere ghost of a grin forcing itself upon her features.
Alaska leaves Ellie's place with the same heavy feeling in her chest. The feeling is different this time around. It feels less burdening. Now, it feels more like another familiar feeling that she's been trying to suppress. She can't quite name it but it's strong. Overpowering.
Maybe it's just the fact that she had forced herself to knock on Ellie's door— just talking to her, being in her presence even if it wasn't for that long. Maybe that changed something inside of her. Awakened something.
Alaska knows that being alone in a moment like this isn't what Ellie needs, despite what she might believe. And even though they barely shared any words, or barely looked into each other's eyes, merely the act of being beside one another will somehow always make the world seem less cruel. Even if they happen to be strangers with a complicated past.
2,890 words.
the slowburn is SLOWBURNINGGGG
this took me so long to get out, i'm going kinda insane but it's okay. more updates are coming soon cuz i've pre written a lot of it!!
btw next chapter is a flashback chapter so prepare for more context on alaska and ellie's relationship