Joel lets his eyes open and sits up on his worn mattress to clear the sleep out of his eyes. Here, he is all cooped up in his cozy cabin, residing in Tommy's Dam — to think that after all these years, his brother's safe haven was still standing, his community still flowing much like the waterworks powering it.
Sitting up, Joel stares out at his dark empty room, lighting pouring in from one of his windows, the one with the blinds that he kept open; he always preferred it this way.
Stroking his greyed beard and straining the elasticity of his back until there was a definite pop, his still-rendering eyes fall on his guitar resting in one corner on a chair — on any day, even for a man his age, he'd be picking at its old strings without a second thought, even if they had caught a little rust made by the sweat of his fingers.
But for this morning in particular, the man neither had the stomach for it, nor the will alone to even get up.
Shifting to the edge, Joel pulls open his bedside table drawer to take out a broken watch that he always wears regardless. He holds the thing in his crisp palms like it's a sacred artifact that shan't be tainted, even by time itself.
Sarah...
Recounting the most recent days leading up to this very minute, Joel recalls now what this means and why he will be like this for perhaps the rest of the day; today is that day... that one dreadful day of every year — it's his eightieth birthday, one that also happens to be the anniversary of the night of the outbreak...
... the night that he lost his daughter.
It should have become easier by now, but that's never the case... never for this. Although Ellie helped to ease his pain and fill the void that tunneled through his chest, it still hurts.
Ellie wasn't supposed to bring hope and joy back into his life — she was thrust onto him as an errand, a sacrificial lamb that was supposed to 'cure' mankind, because they sure as hell deserve a second chance.
It wasn't an infected that killed his precious Sarah or threatened to take away the only other person who grew on him as a trusty companion — it was all humanity! It was humanity that took everything from him, so in his selfishness, he took away its one hope to reclaim a future.
Spite... is that what it really is?
Shaking free of those thoughts, the veteran rises up and proceeds into his bathroom to drown under his shower in hopes of rinsing the headache... which doesn't work, of course.
Coming back out, he gets dressed, packs up his usual hunting gear and dons his wristwatch; he doesn't need its hands to move to know what time it is anyway.
Suddenly, just as he begins towards his door, he is taken aback by a knock, and from its manner, he doesn't need to guess twice who is behind it.
"You up?" He hears Ellie's voice.
Smirking to himself, he answers by simply opening the door to grace himself with the presence of a strong, young and independent woman whom had long ago taken the place of that once brash little girl.
"I'm right behind you, kiddo."
"Come on, then!" Ellie hurries back up the path that led her to his doorstep. "You don't wanna be late for this!"
"Okay!" Joel exits his house. "Slow down!"
Joel legs it to try and keep up, but due to his age, the girl way ahead of him is forced to slow her pace.
Please don't be a birthday surprise...
*****
Ellie tried arguing that she could handle hunting on her own, but Joel insisted on coming with her, so here they are scouting the wilderness together, just like old times.
The one difference is that she now leads the way instead of lagging behind, which shouldn't be much of a worry — what unsettles her, however, is how unusually quiet Joel is.
Looking back a few times, she notices how the old man keeps massaging his chest as if there's pain there.
"Are you sure you're alright, Joel?" The woman asked.
Joel just nods back with a hum and quickens his pace.
That kind of response doesn't convince her, but she decides to drop it for now; she's aware of what particular day it is today for Joel, hence, this could be the reason for his behavior.
In Joel's mind, there's something else prodding bothering him deeply... enough to prod his conscience.
Despite the many years that passed since the incident with the Fireflies, and after archiving it in the back of his memories to hopefully be forgotten, suddenly it's ringing loudly in the forefront, as if screaming in both ears at once.
After everything that followed since that lie he told Ellie, he ponders whether the girl back then truly believed him or realized the truth deep down but decided to bury it like he did.
Is he starting to regret it, now? After all this time?
Suddenly, a creak halts them in their tracks, and they hunch low to hear the source of that sound.
"Hear that?" Ellie whispers.
They peel their ears further to listen for the faint wheeze of a dear up ahead; from the low baritone, it sounds like a matured male, which is just what they need.
Ellie unsheathes her bow and arrow while Joel takes out his hunting rifle before they crouch even lower to begin their long stalk for their prey.
The young woman, having grown very efficient with her said weapon, leads him through the dense barks and foliage, making sure to make as minimal sounds as possible, such as accidentally stepping on a branch.
Soon enough, they find their prey minding its own business as the animal idles in its natural habitat, unsuspecting of any danger... they hope.
As Ellie draws her first arrow, Joel begins a small coughing fit, soreness returning to his chest. The deer quickly hears that noise and turns tail to flee, much to their disappointment.
"Joel!"
Ellie's initial annoyance drops into frightful concern once she sees her man clutching his chest like he's about to have a heart attack. She rushes over to help him, only to be waved off.
Joel shortly gathers himself as he manages a few deep breaths. "I'm... I'm fine..." He says in between his heavy intakes.
"You're seriously worrying me today."
"Nah..." He stands, having to put in extra leg muscle and straightens up as he faces the direction where the deer disappeared off to. "Just my age catching up."
Ellie doesn't like the sound of that. "I should have let you stay."
He turns back to her with a raised eyebrow. "And do what?"
"I don't know... help Tommy with engineering the new circuits."
"I could, but..." He then clears his throat. "I'm not so used to being surrounded by that many people. I'd much rather be out here where it's quiet."
Ellie nods, understanding. "That makes two."
After that brief exchange, they go on their way in hopes of salvaging their hunt, despite their now slimming chances.
*****
Further into the forest, after much inactivity, Joel decides to bring up one of her more prominent acquaintances.
"Heard from Derek, lately?"
Ellie whips her head to find the old timer trying hard to hold back a grin, but shrugs it off.
"Eh, no." She deduces the real meaning behind his question. "He's cute and all, but..." She shrugs, "he's not really my type."
Joel just nods to her statement. "Poor guy."
"Yeah." She then stops in her tracks and turns around. "We should turn back. It's been an hour already."
Joel can't help but question that. "You don't usually give up this easily."
"No. It's just that I don't think we should be going too far from the Sanctuary without our horses."
"Touche."
But just as they are about to start their way back, a distant but unmistakeable clicking noise freezes them, their bodies tensing up as if one of them just stepped on a landmine.
"Clicker..." Joel huffed.
"But how many?"
He pauses for a moment before answering. "One, by the sounds." He lends a toe back. "If we're lucky, we should be able to slip away."
"But if we leave it, it could come back to the dam." With that, Ellie unpockets her old knife and fastens it in her fist. "We gotta take it down."
"Ellie..."
"I'll be fine."
Joel sighs as his girl prowls off to seek out the lone infected while he tags behind, tired yet refusing to let his guard drop.
The revolting sounds draw closer at a snail's pace, both people shortening their breaths and eventually holding them when the threat seems less than a couple metres away, and then they stand by and pan their heads to try and spot the creature themselves.
Right there on a soaked plane of dirt spaced among the tall grass do they not only find the Clicker, but they find it munching the bloodied corpse of a deer — it was the same deer they tried to catch earlier; it had beaten them to their food.
"Bastard." Ellie mutters.
"Be careful." Joel whispers as she readies her blade to try and take out the monster while its back is turned.
Clickers are always harder to deal with physically since they are far stronger than those Runners and Stalkers, but her knife always gave her that sort of edge to even the odds, much like how she is able to deal with enemies quicker with a hunting rifle than himself; it's some sort of magical touch she has.
A quick shiv to the jugular always does the trick.
But right as Ellie is within reach to completing that one task, Joel, failing to watch one of his own damn feet, slips back and winds up snapping a twig under his shoe.
The sudden snap is enough to startle the Clicker and have it spin one-eighty to reveal its grotesque fungus-infested head at Ellie. With mucus dripping down its rotted teeth, it unleashes a piercing shriek powerful enough to peel the bark off the surrounding trees and lunges upon Ellie.
In an instant, she finds herself pinned under this Clicker's weight, using one arm to let it gnaw at her flesh as to keep it from biting at her neck.
"Ellie!" roars Joel as he charges out from his spot to ambush the monster, his blood pressure thick as wires.
"GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" groaned the girl, writhing in pain as those sharp pearls bore deeper to stream out more blood.
The old man locks his arm around the infected while his other hand scrambles through one of his pockets for a shiv.
Suddenly, the Clicker releases its jaws on Ellie and swings an arm at Joel, its brute strength knocking him backwards off his feet, and then the monster mounts him next — Joel's beefed hands are around its throat just to keep it at bay, but he can only hold out like this for so long...
Ellie, clutching her crimson wet forearm, sees Joel on the ground with that creature on top of him and channels her remaining strength to get back up.
With the knife still clenched in her sweaty hand, she pounces behind the Clicker and forces its sharp silver all the way into the crook of its neck. With two more hard stabs, the infected finally bowls over and twitches in its newly blossoming blood puddle before stilling — it's finally dead.
Joel lays where he is, facing the sky while he catches his breath. Ellie picks herself up for the second time and limps over to lend him a hand.
He takes it and is pulled up to a seated position before noticing the deep gash on her arm. Just before he can scramble to do something about it, Ellie just motions him to relax.
"Oh, don't mind this. I'm immune, remember?"
Nearly getting worked up over nothing, he heaves a sigh of relief.
"Wait!" Ellie suddenly perks up, her eyes locked on him, ringed with worry. "What about you?"
"Don't you worry about me, baby girl." Together, they rise to their feet. "This ain't as bad as taking an iron pike to the abdomen."
They both share a laugh. "Yeah, don't remind me."
"Alright, let's get going."
And so, Ellie patches the wound on her arm up before they retreat.
Being reminded of her immunity again brings back those memories of Fireflies again — due to the borrowed time he is surely living on by now, he can't help but mull over that one pivotal past decision.
He wonders if Ellie would forgive him if he ever decides to tell her soon, or if God will forgive him for that sin of robbing the world of its precious cure; he never was a religious man, but now... he can't help but feel the fiery glare of Hell looming over his shoulder.
*****
As soon as they returned to the sanctuary to have her arm properly treated, Ellie's thoughts wander back to Joel — something was rather strange about him today; his whole demeanor made it seem like he was half elsewhere.
They spent the remainder of the day apart to fulfill their own roles for the community, but once the sun had set, the woman is surged with the need to find her oldest friend.
She first goes to ask Tommy, "Have you seen Joel?"
He can only shrug. "I think he headed back home. Why? What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
She hurries off before more can be said. Once she reaches Joel's cabin and knocks on his door, she recieves no answer.
"Joel?" She knocks again, more hastily this time. "Come on, are you in there?"
"No I'm not." answers a voice from behind her.
Elie turns to face the man and eases down. Here, he holds two beer bottles that she can assume are reserved for them alone.
"Still worried that I could have turned into a Runner?"
She scoffs before accepting one of the drinks offered to her. They clink their beers before downing their first lot; nothing can refresh them better.
"Happy Birthday, by the way." Ellie finally addresses.
"Well, crap."
She chuckles. "Didn't think I'd forget, did ya?"
"Hoping you would." He shakes his head. "But glad you didn't."
"Well, it's not everyday that you get to turn eighty in this world."
"Give me just a moment." Joel suddenly says, and he enters his house, only to come right back out with his guitar. "Follow me." he commands with a clear of his throat.
*****
Somewhere out beneath the stars, the due found a place where they could sit and take in turns picking away at the old instrument; from the smoothness of Ellie's rhythm, his lessons sure paid off.
Joel evetually finds his eyes glazed as he allows her tunes to take him back through time... back to when everything was right with the world... back to Sarah — he can still recall every detail of the last time ever put her to bed.
He never forgot the joke me made about he made about the watch she gave to him not working, as well as her retort of dealing drugs just to gather the money to buy it.
"Good night, baby girl." Those words flow out of his mouth just as remembers them.
Ellie cut off her jam session when he spots a lone tear glistening down Joel's cheek.
"Joel!" She sets the wood down. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I..." He chokes, pauses, but manages to clear himself. "I'm just... really sorry, Ellie."
"Joel, you don't have to be sorry..." Ellie tries leaning to comfort the man, but he gently holds her back.
"No. It ain't because of that..." He shakes, his heart kickstarting a drumroll. He then swallows a lump the size of a tangerine — it's now or never.
Ellie herself grows nervous with anticipation; it was unlike him to behave this way... to be on edge as opposer to his usual calm demeanor.
Ultimately, Joel wipes his forehead and exhales; it's time to get it off. "I lied..."
"Lied? About what?" The girl somehow has an idea of where this is going, but she'd rather hear it from him.
The man hangs his head while he glaces back sideways to her, afraid. "The Fireflies." he answered at last.
To this, the girl stiffened like those trees in the woods. Silently, as she glares back at this man, the closest person she can see as a father, as she pieces everything together.
Is she going to be angry?
Will she denounce him?
Most importantly, what will she do now with this knowledge?
Joel holds his breath and watches as Ellie sighs very deeply to rest her gaze in front of her at nothing — not quite what he was expecting as of yet.
"I know." she responded, taking him aback further. "I think I've always known." She turns back to him, eyes narrow, but not sharpened with hate. "I'm just surprised that you actually decided to tell me."
Joel eases up a bit, but still worried of where this could go, keeps a minimal distance from her; he is prepared for anything.
"I thought about it myself from time to time why you might have done it, but it's very clear to me." She pauses yet again before continuing. "It's okay, Joel."
He is now perplexed. "Okay?"
Ellie nods. "You once told me that no matter what happens, always find something worth fighting for." Her eyes lift to the night sky. "I didn't ever think I was worth fighting for. Should I be mad? Hell yeah, I should. You did sacrifice humanity's last hope..."
She trails off and allows herself to catch her breath, but then drops her head between her hands, now frustrated.
"I don't really know what the fuck I'm supposed to be feeling..."
Without warning, she just springs up and leaves Joel in the open with his guitar.
"Ellie!"
She's gone already, leaving Joel alone to swim in his worries, staring off into the darkness.
"Good night... baby girl."
*****
Joel couldn't collect much sleep that night; his thoughts kept wandering back to Ellie and what she might think of him now.
This following morning, the day after his birthday and anniversary, he wakes with a bad case of lethargy that would plague the way he carries himself.
He doesn't expect to see or hear much from Ellie moving forward, and that was fine; despite his low energy, he feels lighter after having that weight taken off. Still, that doesn't mean he wouldn't be prone to the dimming loneliness of not having his surrogate daughter by his side anymore — perhaps he's becoming too mellow in his age.
He knows his time will be up soon, his autumn years having long passed into winter.
Up ahead, he sees Tommy and his wife, Maria, approaching him and grumbles — he was hoping to avoid their standard pleasantries this time.
"Mornin' big brother." Tommy waves, "You're lookin' a little under the weather."
"I could say the same for you." Joel chucks back.
Tommy's hair had been cut to highlight his greying strands in the roots; soon they would whiten all over his dirty blonde locks.
It's that he can see any of this since he's squinting under the sun's gleam like its brightness and radiance has doubled... or maybe it's just him.
"Where's Ellie?" he is quickly asked by Maria. "Isn't she usually with you?"
Joel responds with a question of his own. "What about your Courtney?"
"She's gone to the playing field to be with the other kids."
He can only nod to that.
Tommy, on the other hand, senses something off. "Is everything okay with you guys?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah." He shudders and flexes his neck to make himself seem more awake. "I'm gonna go on ahead to the field as well."
"Suddenly in the mood for soccer now?"
"Yep..." He mentally conjures an old picture of him and Sarah posing with a trophy that she won from a game.
"We'll come with you, if you don't mind."
Joel doesn't answer, but he allows the couple to follow him to the field anyway.
During this walk, Joel starts to get lightheaded, his walk develops a funny limp, making his shoulders sway from side to side. and he starts to feel... cold in his centre.
Hold on... just a little longer. I gotta see Ellie first...
By the time they reach the open stretch, his knees begin to wither, yet his will insists them to straighten and support his weight so he can look across the distance to see his girl playing ball with his brother's little daughter.
Spectating them through drooped eyelids, he doesn't notice until this very moment how much the blonde little girl resembles Sarah, at least from the back.
Watching these two go at it with the soccer ball, it's like the past, present and future are melting together in a rare union.
The two players soon notice Joel and stop to give their attention.
Ellie gives him this look of mute uncertainty, but at the same time, there is also assurance and acceptance.
As for Courtney, when she turned to face him, Joel discovers to his bewilderment that it's been replaced by blissful grin that once belonged to his own daughter.
"Sarah..."
Every following second passes in bullet time as Joel reaches a hand out to that face, his own expression drunk on joy.
"Joel?" Ellie calls, now alerted by his disturbing demeanor.
He doesn't realize how his own breaths shallow, his pacing heart stalling, before the last essence of strength left in the veteran's body gives way. He hardly feels the impact of his face on the dirt.
Now panicked, Ellie sprints over to Joel where Tommy and Maria try in their desperation to shake him awake. She turns him over to face up at her — from the look of his twitching mouth, his misted gaze and his stifled gasps, she realizes the worst.
"Get help!" she shrieked.
Obeying her, Tommy launched off to gather help.
Holding his face, tears run down her rosy cheeks like a faucet to wet his.
"Hold on, Joel... please..."
"Ellie..."
"It's gonna be okay. We're getting you help." She's seriously begging him to stay alive.
Joel just keeps on puffing her name over and over again like some mantra until his voice is dry of steam. Everything starts to turn black as he sinks into the wonderful eyes of his surrogate daughter.
This is the last loving image he will ever see.
In that note, Joel takes his takes breath and releases it all into the open air, the feeling in his body fading to nothing at last.
A distraught Ellie ties her arms around her guardian, pleading with him through a heavy heart not to go, her cries ringing everywhere.
He is strangely content now, and a ghost of a smile lines on his face, enough to be barely noticeable through his crisp bush.
Good night, baby girl... see you in the morning.
THE END.
*****
A/N: I originally wrote this fic long before the release of TLOU2. I always liked the idea of Joel passing away of natural causes in a post-apocalyptic world. This was also inspired by the finale of Six Feet Under. Those who know know.
Votes and comments are welcome :)