Within seconds, someone flung open the door and Chan, who had been pushed against it, went falling to the ground. Changbin was on top of him and shouting.
"What were you doing to her?"
"Nothing!" Chan argued.
I was hyperventilating on the floor, unable to catch my breath in the midst of a panic attack. Seungmin rushed to comfort me, stepping over Chan in the process.
"Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" Seungmin asked. I shook my head.
Changbin raised a fist to, I assume, hit Chan, and I gasped for Seungmin or someone to stop him.
"Changbin, stop!" Seungmin shouted, realizing what I'd been witnessing. I was grateful but was in no position to show it.
Changbin and Chan continued arguing. Seungmin and Felix asked me if I was okay.
The others watched on in shock, unclear of what they should do or what was happening.
I pulled my knees into my chest and closed my eyes in an attempt to drown everything out. I felt scared and overwhelmed. With my eyes closed, though, I saw the scene more clearly. The bedroom, the solo cups scattered on the ground, the empty beer bottles used as decoration, the stolen street sign, the flannel bed sheets, the music and conversations right outside of the door, but too far away to help...
I gasped again, trying to get a full breath, and popped my eyes open. I pointed at Chan. Felix lifted Changbin off of him.
"Chan," I managed to breathe.
He came to my side, clearly worried.
"You're okay," he whispered as he tried to soothe me.
I looked around at everyone staring at me and shook my head. He seemed to get the clue and kicked them out. Most headed off right away but Felix, Changbin, and Seungmin hung around until Chan asked them again more sternly. They left reluctantly, and Chan closed the bathroom door so that we could be alone.
He sat beside me and put his arm around my shoulder.
"It's okay, you're okay," he repeated over and over.
Eventually, I calmed myself down enough to take a few strong breaths, and, like I almost always did after a panic attack, I cried.
I felt weak and embarrassed.
"Hey, what happened?" Chan asked. I felt horrible for how confused he must've felt. We'd only been kissing, and I couldn't even hold it together. How would I ever be able to do anything more?
"I had a panic attack," I told him.
"I know," he replied, "but why? Did I do something wrong?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Did you not feel safe? Should I have been gentler?" He was second-guessing the entire interaction. I hated that for him. Hated that he even thought he had done anything worth the response my body had.
"You did nothing wrong. I just..." I didn't know how to describe it. It's not like I wanted to be this way.
"Are you okay?" His eyes scanned my face as if he could read what my answer would be.
"I want to be," I gave him a soft smile.
Chan nodded in understanding.
"I'm sorry." I felt so ashamed that I couldn't even look at him.
"You don't have to apologize to me, Ella," he stated.
"You deserve someone who can kiss you without having a panic attack," I argued. "I'd understand if you preferred to find other people while we fake date."
I wasn't good enough for him. I hung my head and picked at the skin around my fingernails, a tick I'd picked up to cope with my anxiety.
"Ella," Chan began and moved so that I was forced to look at him. "I don't want to date other people."
"I can't give you everything. I'm not ready," I told him through tears. It had been almost a decade since I'd started having these panic attacks, and they'd never even gotten close to fading away.
"That's okay," he soothed. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
I leaned against him and there was a knock at the door. "Come in," Chan said.
Changbin opened it and knelt down. "The driver said we'll be there in ten."
"Thanks," Chan replied.
"Are you okay?" he asked me.
I nodded and gave him a small smile. I'd barely spoken to him and yet he had been ready to defend me against his friend.
"I'm sorry about earlier," he apologized, and Chan stopped him.
"I'm a little offended that you think I'd force myself on someone," he replied snarkily before taking a deep breath, "but I know you were just trying to help. It's fine."
With that Changbin headed back to the group. "Do you want to go sit with everyone?" Chan asked.
"I'm too embarrassed," I admitted.
"You don't have to be. They'll get it."
I was reminded that I wasn't the only one who had endured something traumatic. Their fan service was forced upon them, too. They all carried their pain a lot better than me...
"Okay," I whispered shyly. Chan stood up and held his hands out for me.
He pulled me off of the ground and continued to hold one of my hands as we rejoined everyone.
They observed the two of us carefully, and we sat at the edge of the group.
Nobody said a word even though moments ago they'd been talking amongst themselves like normal.
"Are you okay?" Felix asked, breaking the awkward silence.
"Yeah," I shifted uncomfortably, but Chan's hand in mine gave me the support I needed. "I have panic attacks. I didn't mean to scare everyone."
"We're just glad you're okay," Seungmin told me with a smile.
I noticed Chan seemed annoyed that Seungmin had been the one to say that, but he let it go.
"I was kind of excited to finally find out who would win a fight between Chan and Changbin," Lee Know laughed.
"Obviously I would," Changbin snorted.
"Yeah right!" Chan fought back and the conversation returned to its normal flow.
A few minutes later we arrived at the hotel. There were so few fans there that they didn't even bother with barricades. They just had security hold them off while we walked inside.
We all headed up to our rooms and Chan allowed me to have the bed by the window again.
"I'm going to shower," I let him know. I'd spent too long today on the floor of a bathroom.
It felt good to wash it all away and, when I was through, I came out to the room smelling like coconut.
"Dinner?" Chan grinned. It was nearly midnight, and I was starving.
He lifted the silver cloche and revealed two bowls of Tom Kha Kai soup.
"Oh my gosh!" I shouted. "It smells amazing."
Satisfied with my response, Chan set my dish on the little kitchen table our suite had.
We both ate happily and quickly before crawling into our beds.
"Are you going for a run tomorrow morning? he asked once we were settled in our separate beds.
"Maybe," I yawned. "Probably right before lunch, so we can sleep in."
"Can I come again?" he pleaded.
"If you want to." I liked that he wanted to spend time with me. I wish it were during an activity where I wasn't so sweaty.
"I want to," he yawned. "Goodnight Ella."
He clicked off the lights.
"Goodnight Chan."