Something about the astrology tower, which made everything feel slightly unreal, gave Remus the idea to reach his hand over to Sirius's, in the sense that it would be inconsequential. It had to be, because the psychedelic music surrounding them, mingling with the moonlight gave the impression that nothing really existed. And if nothing existed, then Remus could do whatever he wanted without worrying for once. He was in a dream, a hallucinatory state of being right now and Merlin's beard... he wanted to hold Sirius's hand.
He brushed his fingers against Sirius's, testing the waters, and when Sirius didn't respond, Remus took his friend's hand in his. He squeezed it tightly and closed his eyes. Sirius held on, returning the gesture.
Remus had been right, back in first year, around two years ago now. The only thing that made listening to Pink Floyd in an empty astrology tower at night better was holding the hand of his best friend. He didn't know if it was enough, though. Maybe it had been enough when he was younger, and he couldn't work out his feelings, but he knew his feelings now. Not entirely, not yet, but he wasn't lying to himself anymore. He didn't know how to approach things though, because it wasn't as if he knew Sirius's feelings. Sirius had been giving him mixed signals for so long now, and it was infuriatingly confusing. Remus just wanted to know where he stood by this point, but that involved bringing up questions that he didn't think Sirius wanted to ponder right now, or ever.
The record crackled to a stop and Remus heard Sirius breathe out, wordlessly encapsulating the experience. Remus was sad it was over, and that they had to soon come back down to reality. He didn't want to come back to reality, when the reality was so frightening it made him want to curl up into a ball and not speak a word to anyone.
"Do you want to head back?" asked Sirius, his voice sounding almost disembodied within the cracked, stone walls. Remus didn't, at all. But what else could they do? Lie there in silence? As tempting as it was, Sirius might have thought he was weird for suggesting it.
But... God. How long was Remus supposed to live like this, never knowing if Sirius felt the same way as he did? Sirius didn't protest when they held hands, and they were so close. They walked together in silence, and they hugged all the time, and they slept in each other's beds sometimes. He knew Sirius was lonely, he knew he was probably desperate for a lifetime of intimacy that he'd never received throughout his entire childhood, but at the same time... he couldn't keep playing with Remus's emotions like this. It hurt, and Remus was screaming at him mentally that he liked him, and he never heard it.
It wasn't Sirius's fault that he didn't know, of course, but Remus wanted to know what he'd do if he did know. At the same time, however, if Remus scared him off, then perhaps not telling him was the only option, if he wanted to at least remain close enough to hold hands. Remus could deal with the heartache if it meant he still got to be near Sirius, couldn't he?
But all he wanted to do was kiss him, just to try it, just to see if it would feel as good as Remus was imagining it to be. But as it stood, they would never reach that point. Not while Remus remained so scared at opening up. Sirius wouldn't hate him, would he? They'd already been through a lot together, Sirius wouldn't just cut him off entirely, right?
Sirius was walking in front of him, carrying the record player. The charm of the room still surrounded them, and Remus blamed it for the reason why he did what he did next. He lightly tugged at Sirius's sleeve, making Sirius turn around. Remus didn't immediately say anything.
"What?" Sirius prompted. Remus stepped closer.
"Please don't hate me, and please don't think I'm weird, but... can I kiss you?" Sirius stared at him, and judging by how he quickly shifted his weight underneath the record player, it seemed he had almost dropped it in surprise.
"U-uh... what?" he managed to stutter a few words out, and Remus was already regretting what he had said. He wished he could just shove the question back into his head before it had slipped out, because now that he had said it out loud, all he wanted was a sinkhole to appear right underneath him and suck him down into the ground where he never had to meet Sirius's eyes again. But he couldn't take it back now, he couldn't even play it off with a quick "nothing, don't worry" because it absolutely wasn't nothing, and Sirius definitely would worry.
"I, um... I just, wanted to... see what it felt like. That's all, I... it doesn't mean anything, I swear." Sirius blinked.
"How... how can it not mean anything?"
"Because... because... oh Christ, please forget I ever said anything." Remus tried to walk past him, but Sirius wasn't about to let this go that easily.
"No, wait... it doesn't mean anything?" He looked at him, and Remus realised by the tone of his voice that he was genuinely asking him, as if to clarify that it really wouldn't.
"Yeah, it means nothing I promise, I was just... curious." Sirius put the record player down, and fidgeted slightly with his sleeves.
"Okay." Remus froze for a second, trying to register what Sirius had said.
"O-okay?"
"It's just a kiss," he assured. "It means nothing." Was he trying to convince Remus? Or himself? Remus wasn't banking on this at all, he had expected Sirius to be horrified at the idea, walk away, yell at him or anything. But he was agreeing?
"Uh, okay. Alright, so we'll just–" Sirius didn't wait for him to flounder around awkwardly, which would make both of them hyper aware of what was happening, and therefore very self-conscious, rather like Remus's kiss with Marlene. Instead, Sirius cut him off immediately, kissing him softly on the lips, quite quickly, but with a slight linger. Remus's eyes were open in surprise, but Sirius had his closed. Remus was able to trace his entire face with how close he was. He hadn't noticed before, but Sirius had a single, tiny freckle underneath his eye, and his eyelashes were long enough to almost brush against Remus's skin.
Sirius pulled away slowly, and Remus touched his own lips with his fingertip. He had never believed in the old cliché of fireworks erupting between two people when they kissed, but the tingling in his lips was causing him to rethink his stance, at least slightly.
"Wow," he found himself breathing out, the only thing his brain could manage right now. He realised suddenly just how long he had been waiting for this, and he couldn't believe how much clarity one kiss gave him. He really liked Sirius, that was undeniable now. He wanted to kiss him again, he wanted to remain in this moment forever, he wanted to turn the record player back on, pull Sirius back into the astrology tower and kiss him again under the moonlight. The urge to do so was almost painful, and it resembled the itchiness he felt during the full moon, just before he transformed.
Sirius didn't seem to be thinking along the same lines though. He pulled away from Remus, looking as if he were backing slowly away from something terrifying. As if he were standing in front of a monster and he was too scared to even run away.
"Are you okay?" whispered Remus. Sirius swallowed.
"We shouldn't have done that," he replied, equally as quietly.
"But–"
"Why did we do that?" Sirius was acting as if he'd suddenly been snapped out of a trance, facing reality head on as the last few moments finally dawned on him.
"Hey, it's okay, it's like we said, it doesn't mean anything–"
"Then why did we do it?!" He was panicking now. "Why did you ask me, why– oh Merlin, oh God, oh fuck." He was frantically searching around the room, as if looking for a way out of this situation.
"I'm sorry, it's okay we can just forget about it–"
"No we can't! It's not okay, Remus, it's not okay at all!" Remus wanted to try and comfort him, but he was feeling his own form of panicking, mostly from Sirius's own reaction, but also knowing full well that "it meant nothing" was a complete lie.
"No one has to know–"
"No one will know. We will never mention this again, okay? Because... oh fuck, if anyone knew..." If anyone knew what, Sirius didn't elaborate.
"Fine, we'll never mention it. No one will know, it's just between me and you." Sirius finally stopped pacing around on the spot, and stood quite still, his eyes locking onto Remus's.
"We can't do this anymore, Remus," he said, with a finality that Remus didn't like the sound of.
"Do what?"
"This. I can't keep coming up with you to the tower, holding hands, lying next to each other. It's all too much, and it's not right."
"What's not right?" Sirius noticed the slight tone of defence in Remus's voice.
"Oh don't get all self-righteous with me, Remus. This isn't the fucking time, you have no idea how bad this is for me." Remus sighed.
"Fine. I'm sorry."
"We have to just be friends, alright? Just normal friends, like how we are with everyone else. Please."
"Why aren't we, though?" Remus asked, before he could stop himself. "Why aren't we friends the same way we are with James, or Peter? Why do we keep getting this close?" Sirius stared at him again, searching his eyes.
"I don't know, but it has to stop. I don't like you like that, Remus. I'm not... it doesn't matter, I only see you as a friend."
"And I only see you as one as well," replied Remus, feeling too overexposed and determined not to let Sirius have the higher ground here. "You're talking as if I like you, and I don't. I already said I was just curious, that's all. I'm not gay or anything."
"Good, then we're agreed. There's nothing going on here, and we need to stop doing things that make it seem like there is. We're both straight, and nothing's going to change that."
"Okay. That's it, then." Sirius picked up the record player.
"Good." He walked out of the astronomy tower ahead of Remus, and Remus stood there momentarily trying to keep his breathing under control. What had he done? He'd just ruined their friendship, made it all awkward and strained, and for what? Just to kiss him. Remus wandered over to the nearest wall and softly banged his head against it. He hated himself right now. How could he have been so stupid? His first instinct was to run after Sirius and try to explain himself, but he didn't see what he could say that would make the situation any better. Perhaps if he just let Sirius cool off a little, let him think things through when he wasn't in such a panic, then maybe it would be okay. At least, that's what Remus told himself to excuse his desire to stay far away from Sirius for as long as possible.
When Remus finally returned to the common room it was already the early hours of the morning. He could even see the orange morning glow spreading out across the horizon, barely poking through the darkness of the night time sky. The room was silent, peaceful almost, except tension was hanging around Remus like a dark cloud, too close for him to notice the calm feeling of the room. Sirius was nowhere to be seen, so Remus assumed he had gone up to bed. The fireplace crackled lightly and the clock ticked mournfully from somewhere in the room. There was nothing out of the ordinary, and Remus went upstairs, praying that Sirius was hidden away inside his four poster bed, and therefore wouldn't catch Remus creeping back into the dorm room.
With his chest squeezing painfully at the idea of his and Sirius's friendship being ruined within a matter of seconds, Remus stared dazedly up at the ceiling of his bed. He barely noticed his eyes closing as he drifted off into a dreamless sleep at some ungodly hour of the morning.
Remus avoided Sirius as best he could the following day, which wasn't easy, but at least Sirius was thinking along the same wavelength, so he too was keeping out of Remus's way. The sudden tension between them did not go unnoticed by James, who tried to question them on this sudden shift, but did not receive much of an answer. He seemed to want to take it upon himself to bring the two together in order to fix whatever argument they must have had, but James didn't understand the gravity of the situation. This wasn't a simple, quick sit down where they could both apologise and move on. An entire shift in their dynamic had taken place in such a small amount of time, that the two boys were really just shocked more than anything. Remus really did want to talk to Sirius, but he didn't want to deal with how he'd feel if Sirius refused to talk to him, even though Remus knew they'd never get anywhere if they didn't talk and they certainly couldn't keep up this silent treatment for long.
Remus built up the courage to talk to Sirius after class and asked if he could meet him in the old classroom that the four of them used to sit in, the one where Remus told them all that he was a werewolf. It had been ages since they'd been back there, but it looked no less dark and dusty. Remus lit the old candelabras with a flick of his wand, something he hadn't been able to do the first time he'd come in here, back when he was just a first year (second year? He couldn't remember anymore. Time had flown by, and he had barely even noticed. He forgot sometimes that they weren't eleven anymore. They were already halfway through their time at Hogwarts).
"Listen," began Remus, when he and Sirius had settled down in the classroom. Sirius hadn't said anything so far, but he'd reluctantly agreed to follow Remus into the room. "We left things in a... bad way. I don't want to leave things like that. I'm sorry I kissed you." Sirius flinched slightly at the word kissed.
"Why did you do it, really?" he asked.
"Because... honestly? I don't know."
"There must have been a reason, you don't just kiss someone for no reason."
"Why not? Why do I need a reason?" Sirius looked at him.
"Remus? Can you just tell me... are you..." he sighed. "Are you gay?" Remus swallowed, not knowing how to reply at all. It was certainly something he was suspecting about himself, but he hadn't said it out loud yet, and he didn't think he wanted Sirius to be the first person to hear it, at least, not with the way things were going.
"U-um. I... I don't..."
"You don't know?" Remus nodded.
"So you might be?" Remus looked at him almost desperately.
"Please don't put me on the spot like this."
"I have to, I need to know."
"No you don't, it's none of your business."
"It is if it involves me!" He stood up from the chair he'd been sitting on, and it fell with a loud thump since he'd been leaning back on it.
"Fine, it doesn't involve you then! The whole kiss thing was a mistake, and we never have to talk about it again, okay?"
"No, it's not okay, because I fucking kissed you back, Remus!" He got closer to him, and Remus wasn't able to suppress that fluttering feeling again when he stared into Sirius's eyes, no matter how guilty it made him feel now.
"Well, you were just surprised..."
"Remus, I kissed you. I leaned in, and I didn't pull back, and I kissed you." Through Sirius's anger, Remus could see genuine fear. Was he scared of Remus? Or himself? Either way, Remus's first instinct was to try and calm him down, but he didn't know how without making things even worse.
"So... what are you saying?"
"I'm not saying anything! You're just confusing me."
"You're confusing yourself! I said I'm sorry, and all you're doing is freaking out." Sirius stepped forward abruptly, now inches from Remus.
"I'm freaking out because this can't happen. I cannot kiss you, you cannot kiss me, we are two boys and this is wrong."
"It's not... it's not wrong..." Remus said it rather feebly, defenceless against Sirius's outburst.
"It is for me! Fuck, Remus, see it from my perspective, can you imagine if my family knew about this? They'd kill me."
"I- I know, I'm sorry-"
"It's alright for you, your parents are fine, but my family would disown me on the spot! And I know I'm not supposed to care, I'm know I'm supposed to hate them and I do, but I don't have anywhere else to go!"
"But-"
"Shut up! Just shut up!" He was on the verge of tears, angry tears most likely, but Remus couldn't be sure. Sirius sat back down roughly and put his head in his hands. Remus didn't know what to do, so he just stood there awkwardly, wishing he was literally anywhere else right now.
He braved stepping forward, walking as close to Sirius as he could without getting his head bit off.
"Are you okay?" he asked. Sirius lowered his hands, letting them hang down between his legs.
"No."
"I didn't mean to... fuck everything up."
"Well, you did." His words stung, of course they did. He clearly blamed Remus entirely, which Remus didn't think was fair at all, despite the fact that he was pretty much blaming himself as well. It was different though. He wasn't hurt by his own feelings, but seeing Sirius hating him at the moment was not an easy sight to behold.
"Is there anything I can do?" Sirius stood up, and looked at him with eyes completely devoid of anything, as if he'd decided to just give up fighting.
"You can stay away from me."
***
Remus stayed behind in the classroom for what felt like hours, watching the flickering candlelight dance across the walls. He wasn't crying. He was done with crying. He just felt the familiar tight chest and the closing up in his throat, as if something was caught in it. He didn't want to go back upstairs, he couldn't. How could he possibly stay away from Sirius without also staying away from all his other friends, or staying away from his dorm or the common room or the Great Hall or the Quidditch Pitch...? Sirius was everywhere. Therefore, all Remus could think to do was stay in this classroom until night fell and he could pray that Sirius was safely in bed. But how could he live like this for the next Merlin knew how many months before someone came to their senses? Sneaking around all over the place to avoid his best friend. And why should he anyway? He shouldn't have kissed Sirius, he knew that, but he had apologised for that, and surely Sirius was being unreasonable. It wasn't Remus's fault that he had a crush on him, nor was it his fault that he was...
"I'm..." but he couldn't bring himself to say it, because he still didn't know. He knew he liked Sirius, or at least he did before everything went to shit. Whether he liked boys overall, he wasn't sure. He also didn't know whether or not he liked girls. He had liked Marlene before he realised they only worked as friends, and a part of him had toyed with the idea of asking Lily out ever since he'd met her. He thought back to when Sirius had been wearing that skirt, with his hair falling down his shoulders, and Remus had been certain that it wasn't gender he cared about. It was just Sirius.
"I'm... I like Sirius." He said it quietly, paranoid that someone would hear him even though he knew he was alone. "I like girls, and I like... I like boys." He closed his eyes as if he could will the last few words out of existence.
"I like boys. I don't know if I'm gay, but I'm not straight, and I don't even know if that's a thing but that's what I am. As usual." He was always the one thing that no one else was. It was so lonely sometimes, and he hated it.
"Remus? Remus!" Footsteps clattered down the stairs outside, and James's urgent voice came through the wooden panels of the door. Remus stood up, confused. He saw James push the door open, panting heavily, his eyes slightly wild. Remus wordlessly asked what was going on.
***
The next part of Remus's life happened as if underwater. Slow, muffled, and vaguely unreal. James was standing in front of him, telling him something that took half the time to register in Remus's mind, as it passed through different mediums at different speeds.
"Your dad's here, McGonagall's been looking for you."
"Why?"
"Your mum, she's... I don't know, but you need to go with your dad." He didn't need to say much more. Remus pushed past him, running up the stairs and down the corridors to McGonagall's office, not caring about any teachers who warned him to slow down as he rushed past. All previous thoughts left his mind immediately, all thoughts about Sirius were gone in an instant, replaced only with pure terror. Oh God, what was happening? Was she okay? Remus wanted to remain optimistic, but he knew all too well that his mum didn't have much time left, and he was praying to whichever deity would listen to him that now wasn't the moment. Not now, please not now.
He was supposed to talk to her last night. He promised he'd talk to her, and she had been waiting for him. But he had forgotten. He was too busy lying in the astronomy tower with Sirius, and where the hell had that got him? He'd lost Sirius, and he was about to lose his mum too.
He shoved open the door of McGonagall's office, and met his dad standing in front of the fireplace, looking half-frantic.
"Where were you?!" He shouted, taking Remus by the arm and practically dragging him to the fireplace. There was no time for questions, or answers. Not that Remus was going to ask any if it meant wasting time. He allowed his dad to lead him into the grate and stared unseeingly at the swirling, green flames around him.
They arrived back at home, and Remus remembered with a mental groan of annoyance that they had to take the car to the muggle hospital, if that was where Hope was, which was achingly slow in emergencies. It gave time for Remus to ask the question he'd been dreading, though.
"What's going on?" Lyall didn't reply right away, he didn't want to reply.
"Remus, you're going to have to be brave now, alright?" Remus could hear a slight crack in Lyall's voice, and along with his words, he knew something terrible had happened, and he knew he wasn't prepared at all.
"What do you mean, what's going on?"
"Your mother is... she's been placed in an induced coma. She collapsed a few hours ago, and the doctors say her liver has, basically completely failed..." he kept his eyes firmly on the road, perhaps to avoid meeting his son's eyes.
"She doesn't have long, Re," he breathed, and Remus felt his entire world crashing down around him. He had been in denial this entire time about this day, and he refused to believe it was finally here. This couldn't be happening, not now. The universe couldn't be that cruel, could it? It was as if it was punishing him for breaking his promise to his mum, and now he couldn't even say goodbye. Why hadn't he just taken the time to talk to her? Even five minutes would have been enough, to let her know he hadn't forgotten, it wouldn't have taken long at all. All because he'd wanted to listen to a stupid album with Sirius.
"How long does she have?" he asked, trying to keep his voice under control. "You said not long, but how long is not long?"
"The doctor says unless she has an organ transplant, there's nothing else that can be done for her." Remus hardly dared look, but he saw out of the corners of his eyes that Lyall was openly crying. He had never seen his dad cry before, not even at his grandfather's funeral all those years ago. Lyall was the most stoic, stiff-upper-lip man that Remus had ever met, but none of that mattered to Lyall anymore. He wasn't even trying to hold it together, not even for Remus's sake, and among all the horrible thoughts zooming through Remus's mind, he realised that he actually preferred that. His dad wasn't lying to him, and they were both in the same boat right now. The only reason Remus wasn't crying was because he was still in a state of shock over the whole situation.
"She can't have a transplant?"
"There aren't any organs to transplant, Re, that's it. There's nothing else that can be done." He was almost shouting, but it wasn't directed at Remus. It was directed at no one, at life. At the universe.
"So she's..." how could he possibly say it? But he had to know, even if knowing was the worst feeling imaginable. "She's about to die?" Lyall sniffed roughly, but still allowed the tears to fall down his cheeks.
"Yes," he said, as bluntly as he could muster. "She's going to die." Remus breathed out a shaky breath, and Lyall finally looked over at him.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered.