Chapter 3
Wretched Reminders & Broken Skin
A/N - Picture to the side is of Tally :)
“I don't mind it, I don't mind if you're overrated, Or if you're staring at the edge of the world. But keep in mind that I'm a sore eye, with blurry vision but I can see, yeah it has to be you love, that I've been dreaming of. And if we climb this high, I swear we'll never die.” ~ My Understandings – Of Mice & Men
“I’ll see you tonight?” Caden asked, giving me that knowing and soft glance.
“Always,” I nodded, my face still impassive as it always had been. He kissed my head gently before walking down the hallway. On the way, I watched as he sauntered into that walk of his and high-fived a few friends of his. The girls watched with lust in their dark eyes as he grinned softly at them and waved at a few.
I swallowed almost audibly and started down the hallway slowly. My lungs already felt tight and the need to run flowed through to my legs. This place scared me more than it should any person my age. The shrill fear was so potent that it made the hair on my arms stand on their ends, goosebumps lining my pale skin. I clenched my hands into small fists, the nails digging into my palms, as I walked to my locker. Everyday, I felt as though I was being watched. It always seemed as though I was walking around with a large target on my back, just begging to be tortured.
All of the taunting and carrying on started well before middle school. I was the girl with the frizzy brown locks and freckles more than evident on her cheeks. Far from the other girls in my classes, I dressed in ragged hammy downs at first. They would point and laugh as I walked into class each morning, making fun of the dirt stains stuck in my jeans and the distressed ends of my t-shirts. When middle school finally approached, I managed to borrow some of my sister’s current wardrobe without her noticing. None of that made things better, because they still looked too big on me and I was still the girl who seemed physically larger and more prominent than those around me.
I wasn’t even sure I could make it past the double doors on the first day of high school. Growing up in such a small town, every one in the county knew my siblings and everything they had accomplished so far. They were the popular ones by the time I made it to their school, but Isla never bothered to call off the bullying and the abuse. She was far too busy juggling her extra-curriculars, school work and friends to notice what was happening to me. Mason was too busy with football and parties, but he did notice that something was bothering me when I started wearing looser clothes and long sleeves.
“Sadie Monroe,” her cryptic, fairly skin crawling voice made me jump at my place in front of my locker door. I almost dropped the books in my hands, pulling them tightly against my chest to build some kind of wall to make her leave.
“What’s wrong? You’re looking a bit pale today,” she urged, the small grin taking over her face as she sensed the fear coming from my now shaking hands. “So,” she continued, throwing her long blonde hair over her shoulder and keeping her eyes steady on mine. “How’s Caden?”
“He’s…fine,” I swallowed, bringing the books further to my chest and backing against the lockers as she approached me, closer this time. My eyes slid shut when my back hit the cool metal, signaling that I had no escape this time.
“Remember that little talk we had before? Or should I say…multiple times before?” she asked, her heavily done eyes emitting delight as she watched me cower. “I told you to back off of Caden, didn’t I?”
I nodded. “But Tally, we’ve been friends for years…” I trailed off, my heart picking up the pace when she was just inches from my face. Her well-manicured nail came into view when I opened my eyes once again.
“First my brother, now Caden. You’ve been warned. How many bruises is it going to take to make you realize that you’re nothing? You’re just some washed up, fat ass who no one gives two shits about. My brother used you up and spit you right back out. And Caden’s just talking to you because he feels sorry for you. You’ll never be anything worth knowing. So stay away from Caden and watch your back. You’re going to see me soon,” she spat, throwing her hand down and pouncing at me. I jumped at the scene and she laughed aloud.
By now, the class bell had rung to signal class, so it was just Tally and me in the halls. She eyed me one last time before throwing her hair over her shoulder again, bringing her bag back up on her shoulder and starting down the hallway. Her heels clicked against the bright linoleum as she walked, at some point fading into the background noise going through my head. I slide against the lockers and to the floor, the tears starting to make their way down my cheeks as the books fell to the ground. Bringing my knees up to my chest, I laid my head against them and let out a gut-wrenching sob as the memories all came flying back one by one.
*~*~*~*~*
“Ms. Atwater, can I use the bathroom?” I asked, the urge to go too strong to wait until the end of class.
“Just grab the pass on my desk on your way out,” she sighed heavily, waving me off with a flick of the hand and turning back to the board.
I grabbed the pass quickly and hurried down the hall with a quickened pace. I hadn’t seen Tally and her friends at all during the day and my hope for a better day was beginning to rise. Maybe she had taken a day off, I told myself. Tally and the girls had been harassing me ever since her brother had asked me out last week. And the fact that Caden Grange was my best friend didn’t help the fact. She wanted her brother to be dating someone better than me and wanted Caden all to herself.
But today would be different, I thought. She’s not here and she can’t bother you.
When I pushed the wooden door open to reveal the bathroom, my hopes had practically shattered in my chest. The fear that ran through me was something I had experienced before, but only when Tally Forrester was around to cause it. My blood ran cold in my veins as my mind kept reminding me that this was it, I was done for. She had me all alone, with her friends backing her up, in a small room with no escape.
“God Sadie, it’s like you’ve seen a ghost or something,” she giggled, crossing her arms against her leather jacket. Her two friends, Cally Wallmen and Heather Porter, both on the soccer team with my older sister, stared at me with glints in their eyes like they had just won the ultimate prize.
The words I wanted to say, the scream that was begging to be let out, were all caught up in the bottom of my throat. No matter how badly I wished the scream would come, I knew no one could save me now. All the teachers were locked away in classrooms and no one was in the halls to hear me. The wooden door was thick enough to block out any sound. My eyes watered, shading my vision of what was about to come as they all charged at me at once. Before I could even blink the tears away, my head hit the concrete wall behind me as they pushed me what felt like so many feet forward.
I couldn’t match the punches to the person doing them, only feeling the blow as my face was on fire and the blood leaving wet trails down my mouth and from somewhere on my head. My mind willed me to take it and get what I deserved, while my heart begged me to fight back and not let them win. But I couldn’t. The pain was so excruciating and the embarrassment of what was happening was too much to bear.
“Please stop,” I whispered, the words still caught up in the depths of my throat.
My words were only met with a swift kick in the ribs, the air seemingly gone from within me. My vision was going foggy and I couldn’t even see what was happening to me anymore. I could only feel such strong pain and such stinging hits as they just kept coming and coming. It was three against one; no one could save me now. For a moment there, I thought I might die by how badly the pain was flowing through me. I didn’t know how long they would carry on, how much more my already fragile body could take.
It was so weird. I was so used to hurting myself, inflicting the scars and the bruises with my own two hands. But this, someone else physically beating me to the level of a spec on their shoe…was something I could never get over, no matter how many times they had done it to me. Before, they would usually stop with a punch or a slap in the face. Now, it seemed never ending.
What seemed like years later, the punching had stopped for a few seconds and I opened my eyes to see if they had left. They were standing over me, smirks so evident and glowing from their face. The pride they felt was something I would never understand. I would never understand how people could physically hurt someone so badly and be okay with themselves. They walked around with their noses high in the air and this jump in their step like they’d found the ultimate goal in life. Nothing could feel better than hurting someone for them.
I tried to push myself up from the cold floor, my fingernails digging into the caulking of the tiles. But Tally’s eyebrows rose as she watched me, and she wasn’t about to let me have the final step. I didn’t know what was happening until I felt her hands on either side of my head, pulling it back swiftly and bringing it harshly against the metal sink. I let out a cry of panic and pain as my head rang. The pain was so terrible, so far beyond comprehension, and my eyes were starting to fog up all on their own. This time, it wasn’t the tears covering up my vision. And that was what scared me the most.
“That’ll teach you, bitch,” I heard one of them say what seemed to be so far away.
The distance sound of the wooden door banging shut hit me like a ton of bricks at full force, the air somewhat returning to me lungs. Tears I had begged to stay put were unleashed and mixed with the blood from unknown places on my face and head. I needed to get myself up but the balance was so messed up and I could barely regain my vision. My ribs were aching and my one leg that they pounced on felt broken.
I should have been used to this, should have prepared my body for what was going to happen. This wasn't the first time and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. But how could someone possibly prepare for such horrid pain? At what point does your body say, ‘Don’t worry, I can handle this’? It never gets easier, never seems less painful than the time before. The bruises just added up and the scars became more frequent on my covered up arms. There was no way to stop it all, no way to put an end to the constant state of hurt and pain. The one I could think of, the one that was taunting me for years, was something I swore to Caden I would never step down to.
No matter how bad I felt like I needed to do it.
I tried to get up, bracing my hands against the freezing floor, but my sneaker slipped from underneath me as my leg gave out. I reached up to my head; my hair wet with what I assumed was sweat. But my hands betrayed that thought when they finally came into view covered in thick, dark blood. I let out a sob so heart-wrenching, so filled with pain that I no longer cared who was out there or not to hear it.
I didn’t stay that day for school, just walked straight home before stopping at my front door. The urge to walk through the door and tell my mother what happened today was so big, but so encased in fear that she just wouldn’t care. She was probably too wrapped up in a bake sale for Isla or poster making for Mason’s big game this weekend, that she just wouldn’t bother to notice.
So I took my blood stained and beaten self to Caden’s fire escape down the street. It wasn’t far from my house, so it wasn’t that much of a problem to walk a little farther with my apparent limp. I climbed the staircase slowly, bracing my scabbed hands against the metal rails as I went. When I reached his bedroom window, I threw open it open and climbed through.
I waited all day, silently and motionless, for him to come home. His parents were normally too self-involved in their careers to ever take a step into his room so I didn’t have to worry about being caught. As more time went by and my eyes grew heavy, I somehow ended up falling asleep on his bed. It was probably terrible of me, what with being covered in scabs and dried blood, but I hadn’t realized what was going on until Caden shook me gently awake later that night.
“What the hell happened to you?” he asked, his eyes wide and so, so sad as they assessed the damage.
“Some girls at school. I’m fine,” I murmured, keeping my eyes on his. Just watching him in front of me, knowing he was here, was enough to calm my racing heart and simmer the fear always bubbling deep within.
He picked me up bridal style, not saying another word as he took me into his bathroom and set me on the side of the bathtub. With gentle hands and soft touches, he cleaned me little by little. I just looked ahead of me as he went along, not mumbling a word. He watched me with such sad eyes as he cleaned me up, practically begging me to talk and tell him what happened. But I stayed silent that night, never once telling him who hurt me or why it happened. He just wrapped me in his arms while we lay in his bed, the silence encasing us both. I fell asleep to the sound of his heart beating against his chest, relishing in the comfort he always made me feel.
And I knew I was safe, just for a little while.
*~*~*~*~*
The empty halls echoed in my ears as I tried to calm my breathing. The memories never seemed to fade away, no matter how hard I tried. I knew Tally would always be there, reminding me how little I was expected to become. Her brother, the boy who took everything I cherished against my will and threw me away like I meant nothing, would always be in the back of my mind. The words bouncing to and from in my head would never fade.
I couldn’t escape this hell I had burrowed myself into.
So I picked up my bags and books, silently shutting my locker, and made my way into the girls’ bathroom. I gently placed the toilet seat down as I sat and raided my bag for the one thing to calm the voices, even if it was just for a mere moment or two. When my fingers met the cold metal, my heart beat quicker in a mixture of fear and exhilaration. I set it between my thumb and forefinger, pulling my sleeve up to expose the rotten, pale skin. Bracing myself with shut eyes, I brought it across my wrist and released a jagged breath when the skin tore.
Times like these reminded what it would be like without Caden around. I couldn’t very well make him miss class because I was got scared of Tally. Just because I was falling apart didn’t give me an excuse to hurt him in the process. When I was stuck in the girls bathroom with a blade across my wrist, or when I was crying in the depths of the night at times when Caden couldn’t be there…those were the hours that scared me the most. While it showed me what life was like without him there every second, it made me fearful of the day he would leave and I would have no one left. It reminded me that I truly was all alone in this world with nothing but painful memories and brimming, shot down self confidence.
Caden was going to leave, my sister was going away to college, my brother was already gone, and my parents would continue on with life without me. I was far from a blip in their minds and nothing could change that. This constant battle with myself and the world around me was an ongoing experience, one that I was tired of dealing with.
And I didn’t know how much more I could take.