Chapter Thirty Seven: Overthinking It
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Things never really turned around after their failed kayak attempt to escape the island. Two weeks had passed, and the morale was even lower than usual. Sammy all out refused to step foot near a kayak again, and Yaz spent the better half of the last fourteen days by the noirette's side, making sure she was all right. Ben was seemingly fine and back to prancing around the jungle with Bumpy. Brooklynn was still spooked from their encounter with the cool water, and had taken to staying in her bunk for most days, curled in her blanket and only accepting food from Kenji and Eva. There was no surprise with Darius, who continued to encourage the campers to the best of his abilities, claiming they just needed to try again, try harder, try better. Kenji spent a lot of the last two weeks nurturing to Brooklynn, and trying to crack jokes with Eva. His mission seemed to be to make her laugh, because when she finally did, he pumped his fist in the air and cheered.
Eva had to admit, seeing Kenji so upbeat, so intent on getting a smile, did in fact make her smile. She thought it was cute, in his own, Kenji sort of way. It almost made her forget everything they had been through— just by seeing that smile on his face.
But then Eva would wake up abruptly from a nap and her mind would be turned to old Rutherford happenings, or she would pass Kenji walking in the other direction— a small bump of the shoulder, and suddenly all she could think about was Kenji triumphantly asking her for an apology, and Eva's little heart would break into more pieces.
Eva dealt with an overwhelming guilt, not sure how to proceed. She really did want to be friends with Kenji, but with every sour reaction she created, she knew that was never possible. They would never get back to what they were, and that was completely Eva's fault.
Eva laid in her bunk with her eyes closed to combat the bright sunlight. One good laugh with Kenji wasn't enough. Eva was still the problem, whether she liked it or not (she definitely didn't).
She had her comforter pulled up around her, despite the sticky warm temperatures of Isla Nublar. To all the other campers, she appeared asleep, but she was well awake, listening to Sammy and Yasmina argue about the best episode of season one of Esther Stone, listen to Kenji grumble as he kept knocking over his house of cards (she peaked to see what he was doing), and listening to Brooklynn very loudly eat a can of pineapples beneath her.
She was just beginning to actually fall asleep, curled up in the warmth of the island, when her name was whispered into the wind. Eva kept her eyes shut. Maybe whoever it was, they'd go away. And they seemed to, as Eva slipped further into a distant memory in an attempt to fall asleep.
"Eva."
Eva grumbled, turning onto her right so she faced away from the deck.
The person groaned. "Eva, get up. Time for a camp meeting."
Eva groaned louder. "Five more minutes?"
She did not want to get out of the comfort of her bed to talk about something as bleak and depressing as escaping the island. Yeah, she did not have high hopes after the failed kayak attempt.
"We're not starting without you. You really want to make everyone else wait, too?" Eva finally recognized the voice as Darius's. Go figure.
"Fine," she finally grumbled, though she made no effort to get out of bed.
Darius seemed satisfied enough, because he called out to everyone else, "Camp meeting! Let's go, guys!"
Five other campers moving around erupted in a flury of sounds. Eva groaned, then finally opened her eyes, squinting as she sat up. She wrapped her comforter into a ball and swung off the top bunk, sauntering over to the little dinette they had created, taking a seat next to Sammy and Brooklynn.
"Good," Darius grinned, looking at all of them. "So, escape attempt number one was... bad, but this doesn't mean we should give up. We just need a more solid plan. A better escape. Last week I told you all to start thinking of possible escape plans, so, you know, what do you guys got?"
Eva crossed her arms, looking around the group.
"Raft," Ben said quickly.
"I think a homemade hot air balloon would be fun," Sammy chimed in. "We just need a tarp, sticks, and a fire!"
Darius wrote both these ideas on the board, though Eva couldn't see how a hot air balloon could carry seven teenagers across an ocean without being attacked by flying dinosaurs. Plus, how would they even steer it?
"I say we look for a helicopter," Yasmina said, as if it were obvious.
Eva raised her eyebrows. "And who do you suppose would be flying it?"
"It can't be that hard to fly a helicopter. They have a joystick, right? So does the gyrospheres—"
Eva chuckled, while Yaz glared at her. "There's no way that will work."
"How would you know until we've tried it?"
"I don't see why we can't go looking for a phone," Brooklynn chimed in. "I still don't understand how one hybrid dinosaur could, just, knock out all the communications. I mean, there has to be a working phone somewhere, right?"
Eva pointed at Brooklynn. "She makes a good point," and I had been wondering that myself.
Yaz huffed, and began playing with the zipper of her jacket.
"Ooh!" Eva's hand shot into the air.
"Yeah?" Darius asked, grinning.
"We could fill a bunch of bottles with S.O.S. notes and toss them into the ocean... then hope someone gets one and creates a rescue team, and..." she trailed off, realizing how completely bonkers that idea seemed.
Yaz laughed at her. "Right, because notes in a bottle are more effective than learning to fly a helicopter."
"Hey, Darius said to come up with an idea. That doesn't mean you have to shit on my own," she defended.
"Right," Yaz said, glancing around their table. "My bad, Eva. It's just... you know... Japan is attacking?"
"You're fine, Yaz," she offered the brunette a smile.
Eva didn't really care if Yaz was being mean to her, or going through it. Really, she just wanted to climb back into bed and actually sleep for once.
Yaz nodded, then looked to Sammy, who smiled at her and nudged her leg under the table.
"I've got one," Kenji announced, leaning back against the cushion behind him.
Darius finished writing notes in bottles and find a phone onto the black board. "Go for it, Kenji."
"We build..." Eva leaned forward in her seat. "A human catapult."
Eva deflated, narrowing her eyes. She opened her mouth, ready to taunt Kenji for his terrible idea, when she realized with a start exactly what she was about to do. She closed her mouth quickly and looked around; no one was looking at her, but that didn't stop the feeling that felt like they secretly were judging her. Criticizing her.
Her heart lurched in her chest, pounding so hard all she could hear was her own heartbeat. Her breathing became deeper as she continuously looked between her friends, feeling as though the sky were falling, crushing her in the process.
As soon as Darius called an end to the meeting, Eva took off, sliding down the slide and running to the edge of the Camp Cretaceous clearing. She slid down a tree, the bark scratching up her hoodie as she took in deep breaths, staring out into the dark jungle.
This was fine. Everything was fine. Kenji was fine, Eva was fine— except she wasn't. The earth was breaking apart and there was nothing Eva could do. She gasped for air, pulling her knees to her chest as hot tears flowed down her cheeks.
This was all her fault. Everything that happened between Kenji and Eva was her fault. She didn't deserve his friendship. She didn't deserve him. God, what a complete asshole she had been. Guilt wrecks her mind as she continues to hyperventilate.
But all she can think about is how, if she had never come to Jurassic World, she would have never known Kenji was clean. She would have never known Kenji was good.
Maybe Eva deserved to be stuck on killer dinosaur island. But not Kenji. Kenji did not deserve any of this.
"Eva?"
"What?" she snapped, not bothering to look up at Darius.
"What's wrong?"
Eva sniffled, not bothering to answer. How could she possibly explain her problems to a thirteen year old kid?
"Look, I know things seem bad, but we can escape the island. I know it."
Eva looked up, looking to Darius. "That's what you think this is about? You think I'm, what? Scared we won't make it off the island? Afraid we'll almost die again?" Darius looked at her, as if that's exactly what he believed. "I don't give a shit if I get off the island or not.
"Darius, I completely ruined my relationship with Kenji, and I don't think I'll ever get him back as a friend. I'm the problem on this island. I don't deserve to stay here at camp. I should just..."
"You're talking about that thing you and Kenji and Brooklynn investigated the day we got the kayaks?"
Eva nodded solemnly.
Darius sat down beside her, pulling at the grass in front of them, ripping it out of the earth. "I don't think you're a bad person, Eva." He filled his hands with stolen grass, then tossed it in front of him. Eva buried her head back between her knees and her chest. "I think you just made a mistake. It happens. That doesn't mean you should dwell on it, or blame yourself, or throw yourself to the wolves. Be happy you two have moved past whatever happened. Be his friend again."
"You say that like it's easy," she mumbled, but then he asked, what? and Eva repeated it, louder for him.
She still had tears running down her cheeks, and her nose had grown both stuffy and runny, and was red from the amount of times Eva rubbed her hoodie sleeve against it. She brought her knees slightly away from her chest, and leaned back against the tree. She was sure she looked half-crazy, all covered in snot and tears, all broken.
"You're overthinking it," Darius said. "Kenji's already forgiven you. Now you just need to forgive yourself."
Eva huffed.
"I'm serious. All problems have a fix and your problem, err, well, you just need to forgive yourself. You made a mistake. Now Kenji needs you to move past it. You can do that, can't you?"
"Every time I look at him, I just want to... How am I supposed to move on from it when it conquered my life for nearly an entire semester? That's months of my life I ruined. Months of his life I ruined. How could I be so stupid?" She tucked her head back between her legs.
Raw tears slid off her face and dropped into the dirt.
"I'm a bad person," she whispered.
"Good people can be made to do bad things, Eva, and I really think you're a good person," Darius laid a hand on her knee. "I mean, you saved Kenji multiple times even when you thought you hated him. You sniffed out Mitch and Tiff within seconds of meeting them. You're not as bad as you think, and I think if you gave yourself half a chance, you would see that, too."
"I can't just— forgive myself. Just like that."
"You could gaslight yourself into it?"
Eva barked in laughter.
"Okay. Sure. Why not? I forgive myself."
"And one day— hopefully soon— you'll believe it, too."
"Thanks, Darius."
Could Eva really gaslight herself into being okay?
I'm okay. I'm okay. You're okay. You're forgiven.
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did I almost go to sleep without updating? yes, yes I did. Do I remember writing this chapter? not at all, this chapter is new to me, too
hope y'all enjoyed!!
- Atha