We made it to the hotel, and I was surprised to see that no fans were there. Chan insisted that we hold hands though in case anyone was sneaking around like they had at the restaurant when Seungmin and I had been noticed.
I begrudgingly agreed, and we walked in last behind the rest of the boys. The manager handed Chan his hotel key, and we headed to the elevator.
It wasn't until we got into his room that I realized I hadn't been given a room. I turned to go retrieve my key from the manager, too, when Chan stopped me.
"Where are you going?"
"He forgot to give me the key to my room," I explained and opened the door. Chan put his hand against it and shut it again.
"This is your room."
"No, this is your room."
"Exactly."
It took a second for it to click. When it did, I let out a loud laugh.
"Absolutely not."
"You don't think any fans would be suspicious if they found out we had different rooms, but that we were serious enough for me to bring you on tour?"
"But..." I tried to think of a good reason to argue. "It wasn't in the contract."
"Because it's not in the contract that we are on the same bus either, but we are. There are two beds, so it didn't need to be in the intimacy clauses either."
"But won't the Korean fans shame you for premarital sex or something?"
"They're not as prude as you seem to think they are. They'll get more upset finding out that we're dating. Besides, I'm from Australia. They know I was raised differently."
I looked behind him at the two beds. At least he'd been generous enough to request a room where we didn't have to share. "We don't have to sleep together?"
"No." He didn't sound upset with me, just definitive. He threw his bag onto the bed near the wall, allowing me the bed by the window.
"Okay."
There was a knock at the door and Chan went to open it. Someone had brought our bags up from the bus, and he wheeled mine over to me before getting his own.
"Thanks," I said
"Yeah," he answered. I opened my suitcase and grabbed some things to wear tonight.
I pulled out a pair of Nike shorts and a tank top but remembered something I'd heard him say in an interview before.
"You don't really sleep naked do you?"
Chan stopped what he was doing and eyed me with a devilish smile. "Why? Don't you want to see?"
I nearly choked, and my ears were burning. I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks, but tried to maintain my composure.
"I—I..." I stuttered. Shit.
"Ella," Chan dropped his smile. "I'm not going to sleep naked with you here. Chill out."
I breathed a sigh of relief and started searching for my toiletry bag.
"You don't have to look so happy about it, though," he mumbled and sauntered off to change.
Had I really hurt his feelings? I shook my head. Chan could have anyone he wanted. Surely he wasn't upset because one person didn't want to see his dick.
He returned moments later in basketball shorts and a t-shirt with the sides cut out so that his torso was on full display. If I'd seen him like this a month ago I would've passed out. Now, I just tried to pretend like he wasn't here. Just because he looked good didn't mean he was good.
He crashed onto his bed. "I'm ordering room service. What do you want?"
"Nothing, I'm fine." Felix had given me some snacks on the bus earlier.
Chan mumbled something under his breath, but I couldn't hear him. I chose to ignore it and went to change. I put my hair into a messy bun and was done right as room service arrived. I greeted them, and they wheeled the food in for him.
He'd ordered pasta, soup, salad, and a side of fries.
"Are you starving?" I teased.
Chan picked up the plate of pasta and went to sit at the foot of his bed. The smell of the food was making me hungry, and I regretted not asking him to get me something.
He took a few bites of pasta, slurping the noodles up loudly.
"The fries are for you," he said with a mouthful.
"Really?" I nearly lunged at the cart.
He nodded, and I went to retrieve the plate.
"Thank you!" It was as though he knew I'd be hungry after seeing his food.
We ate without speaking and Chan crushed the pasta, soup, and salad. The fries were delicious, and I wondered why he'd decided to order them for me, but was grateful nonetheless.
"Can I ask you something?" Chan began once he'd finished his food and stacked the dishes on the cart outside our door.
"Sure," I answered.
"I overheard you telling Felix that he was the first guy you had let see you with your shirt off."
"Mhm." I squirmed feeling extremely awkward. I wasn't sure I was ready to have this conversation with him.
"Why?"
"Why Felix?" I asked, hoping that was what he meant.
"No, I mean I'd be curious as to why you allowed him to, but I'm more interested in why nobody else has."
"Can I answer the Felix part first?" This had an easier explanation.
Chan motioned for me to continue. "I trust him. I may have only known him briefly, but I knew he wouldn't hurt me and was just trying to help." I hoped Chan wouldn't be upset that my explanation also meant I didn't trust him yet.
"Fair enough," he replied, "But why was he the first?"
I shifted uncomfortably on the bed. "I never said he was the first."
Chan furrowed his brows. "You said he was the 'first boy you let see you shirtless'."
I took a deep breath, preparing myself to explain to Chan the semantics that he clearly hadn't noticed.
"That is what I said, but..."
"You just said you didn't," he argued, cutting me off.
He was growing frustrated by my skirting around the answer.
"I said he was the first boy I let see me shirtless not the first one who had." My heart pounded as I explained what I had meant.
"Do you mean..." Chan's voice trailed off as he looked at me in pity. I hated that look. I hated it even more than when he looked at me like a bothersome bug.
"Yeah," I sighed.
"Oh."
My stomach was in knots as he continued to look at me. It was like he was waiting for me to break, but I'd dealt with my feelings around the things I'd been through a long time ago.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked me.
I was surprised that he even offered considering that his face was ghostly white, and it didn't like a topic he wanted to chat about.
"Not really."
"Okay. Are you sure?"
I stood and grabbed my toothbrush from my backpack.
"Yeah I'm actually ready for bed so..."
"Okay. Sorry, I made you tell me."
I paused my walk to the bathroom and turned around. Chan was sitting glumly at the edge of his bed, picking at his fingernails.
"You didn't make me."
"I mean I kind of did, but okay."
"If we are to be sharing a room this whole time, I'd have to tell you anyway."
"Why?" His eyes didn't seem so dark when they met mine this time. They looked curious and kind.
"Because I have nightmares. I have..." my voice staggered. I didn't share this information with many people. "I have PTSD, so sometimes I have panic attacks."
"Will sharing a room with me make them worse?" he asked. I was surprised he didn't ask about my diagnosis and instead wondered how he would impact me.
"I don't know. I guess we'll see."
"Will you tell me if I do, make them worse I mean?"
I nodded and bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from tearing up at, not only his empathy but also the fact that I'd told someone at all. Apart from Mana, very few people knew what I had gone through. Even fewer knew about my diagnosis.
I turned to walk to the bathroom again.
"Will you also tell me..." he called out, and I turned to face him, "if there is something I can do to help."
"Yes, I will," I replied, and he seemed satisfied by my response.
He had been so sincere at this moment, and I wondered which Chan was the real one...