I had to tread carefully, I had seen what Fenrir on the loose could do. My mind flashes back to the terror he had brought onto the farmhouse. How long it took for Xavier to finally come out of his shell, I can't help but think of Caspian's murder, and the pain he brought with each attempt he made at freedom.
The lengths that my husband went to to keep him in.
"You are on borrowed time, Fenrir. What do you want? You must have had a reason to drag your way to the surface?" I demand, standing as he does, keeping my distance from him.
Fenrir watches me, before taking my fork and stabbing a slice of pancake, popping it into his mouth thoughtfully. "You know, the food of this time is quite a bit better than when I was loose and roaming the earth. It almost compares to humans, almost but not quite." Swiping a finger full of syrup, he sucks it off his finger with a smirk.
"If you're going to be useless then you can go back-" I touch my necklace, a fatal flaw.
"What's that?" His hand extends before I can stop him only to retract with a snarl, examining the darkened fingertips. "You bewitched it?"
I honestly hadn't, racking my brain, I can't think of Anubis saying that Death couldn't touch his own heart but it would make sense. Why else would one take it?
"Absolutely." I snap, "Which means I command this vessel and I'll send you back under if you don't come out with it. What do you want, Fenrir?"
Running his tongue over his teeth, those black eyes lock on me, even without pupils I know exactly where he was looking. Scanning me, up and down, sizing me up and yet curious all the same. "Hel won't help you. She's banished just as I am, and she serves her own purposes. Hel has her bounty with the gods, searching for her will only cause more issues for me and things are finally starting to go my way."
"Why am I not surprised your family hates you?"
Fenrir bares his teeth, reaching for my throat, only to fall short inches away from my skin. I can see the force with which he leans in, he roars in frustration and punches a hole through the table instead. His whole body trembles, those same hands shoot up to grip the chain around his neck and fight against it as he slams his back against the wall. "God damn it!" he roars, fighting against the urge to ascend to his wolf form, while the chain holds its own and threatens to choke him if he does.
"You won't get out without Alpha's permission. Crush Verando down all you want, you have another god in there and Alpha won't let you hurt me." I snapped, I couldn't let on that I was shaking on the inside, that my wolf was begging for me to run and protect our child.
The man before me was the embodiment of Death. A vessel on the edge of berserker rage, but I had to test this theory that I could operate safely under these rules.
This goes on for what feels like an eternity, fighting against the chain, trying to yank it off his neck until his skin is bloody and his fingers raw, while he'd broken nearly every piece of furniture available to him save for the chair I was sitting in. He could not harm me, he could not even throw an object in my direction, and for that I had Alpha or my husband to thank.
When he seemed to tire, panting, leaned against the wall as if it were I who trapped him here, once more he met my gaze. "You had to suck every last drop of fun out of my time on this planet, didn't you? You know who I'll consume first when I get out of here? Your children. Then you-"
I hold up the pendant. "Stop," I command shortly.
Fenrir grips his throat, coughing back his own words.
"Not used to be on this side of the argument, are you?" I retorted, crossing my arms over my chest defiantly. "This is your last chance to cooperate. I don't need you wrecking Verando's body, or causing a scene. You wanted out, now is that all you have to tell me before I send you back?"
This seems to bring him pause, he hesitates as he considers his options, chest heaving as he slides down to sit on the floor. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be starving all the time? To never feel satisfied?" He tilts his head, regarding me, like I was the monster. I'm sure in his world, a man wronged and imprisoned for what he might do, I was on the wrong side of his battle. He wanted revenge, I couldn't say I blamed him. It was the lack of reason that made me want to send him back to the depths.
"Considering that I'm pregnant, I have a good idea of what it's like," I tell him, crossing one leg over the other, flinching as he smirks.
"Ever wonder if it's mine?" he muses, running his tongue over his bloodied knuckles. "Ever wonder if it was me that night? Does it bother you to fuck him while I'm in the background, possibly watching?" Fenrir shrugs, amused, I roll my eyes and place my hand on the pendant to send him back only for him to raise his hands in defeat.
"Hel is a part of the coming of Ragnarok, she rules over the souls of the dead but she does not have much to do with the underworld. She's mostly someone who... let's say.. organizes the leavings of other gods. You can go to the underworld, or you can go to Valhalla, if nobody wants you to go to Hel. Purgatory, in a sense. She wouldn't be interested in working with anyone in this lot, I can assure you. Wherever there is a plague or a famine, you can imagine Hel is around to cash in on it so while you might see her, I wouldn't acknowledge her.
She is banned from Odin's hall, as are all of Loki's children as well as my children. I'm sure she prefers it that way."
While it was valuable information, it wasn't anything we couldn't have learned on our own. "You caused all of this to come out to say that? You sure aren't making a case for yourself, next time, maybe we should just ignore you-"
Fenrir flashes his teeth, scowling. "I can't decide if I'm growing fond of you or if I can't wait to see what you taste like. If you are looking for Hades, maybe best to ask the man who spent an eternity in hell. While our realms are separate, I saw the man on multiple occasions for documentation of my bindings. Hades never leaves the underworld, for good reason, in that it could not function without him. But, having his support would be a good way to retrieve a body you want back... accidents happen."
Retrieve a body?
I consider this. Anubis thought this impossible, but Anubis was in charge of scales and fairness. For those judged by Eygpt, perhaps that would be the truth, but those judged in the underworld might fair a different fate.
"The gods wrote that 'they' had decided. So you agree that we are talking about multiple sectors?"
Fenrir shurgs once more, "Humans are fickle. Christianity has not even been broached in this insanity, and if a damned archangel comes down here to correct this mess we are all in for it. Everyone likes to pretend that nobody is involved until something happens that tilts the power in one way or another. I'm saying I would tread carefully, but I would not let this opportunity to gain power slip you by."
Snorting, I shake my head, disgusted all over again. "Did you ever think this is why they locked you up-"
Before I can finish the words, Fenrir is before me, his face only inches from mine, his fist a breath from gripping my throat. "They locked me up because of what I might do, what I was capable of. You're a damned fool if you think they won't do the same to whatever you're concocting in that manufactured womb. To you, to your children, to this man that you love so much. Don't you dare think you are beyond what was done to me or that you are better than me, you know not how much I have suffered."
Jerking his hand away, he exhales, trembling from the exertion. I place my hand over my neck, trying to get the image of him strangling me out of my mind. We were no longer tied, he could kill me, and there would be no consequence to him. It brings back all those memories of Shellshock torturing me, of trying to forgive Verando for a crime he didn't commit.
"I think it's time you go back, Fenrir."
This time he doesn't fight me, instead, he simply glowers at the ground. "It was me. I did break through, I did fuck you. I might even say that I liked it, using this body for those purposes was something that hadn't occurred to me. I have no interest in making this partnership between us easy and I can't say I'm interested in sex with men. My true body is that of a wolf, so this is a whole new world for me. I have all these memories that I can sort through, of women and all the lude things you can do to them, maybe I should give it a try-"
"Go back, Fenrir." I nearly scream, covering my ears as I wait for the man's eyes to return to light blue.
I couldn't believe that yet with the blessed sliver through his tongue, Fenrir would be unable to lie. Covering my mouth with my hand, I struggle with the concept of keeping it together and surrendering to how violated I felt. How deep did Fenrir's influence run?
He was able to make Verando hungry, I noticed that the man's appetite was off the charts. He was able to change his mood at times, to make him irritable or cause him pain, would he be able to do something as intimate as changing his preference?
Verando touches my arm and I jerk, only to hesitate when I see the light eyes scanning my face. Quickly I throw my arms around him as he hugs me tightly, feeling the mounting anger boiling through my husband as he takes in the state of the room. "What the absolute hell-" Flinching, he looks at his knuckles, sighing as he shakes out his hand.
"I shouldn't have done that... I knew better and I did it anyway. I just thought maybe he would come to our side, maybe there was some good left in him and he would tell us something important-"
I wanted to believe that my husband wasn't harboring a psycho. When Fenrir transferred from Caspian to Verando, Caspian became a whole new person, Fenrir's influence had overwhelmed him.
How long could I expect Verando to fight back against an entity that had nothing better to do than to chip away at him?
How could I expect him to not slip up, and then what would happen if and when he did?
Verando tightens his grip on me, holding me impossibly close as I cling to him as if he is attempting to hold me together. I'd told him I didn't care if Fenrir had slipped out, but knowing he'd done it, knowing I'd enjoyed every bit of that night, it felt like my body had betrayed me.
How could I have not noticed? How could I have not felt a difference in the essence that was my husband?
"Randy I'm sorry." I manage, finally.
"It's alright, Nic. I'll pay for the room, it's not that big of a deal. I'm just glad you aren't hurt, Alpha is livid.. it feels like there's a war going on-" His voice trails when he realizes that this wasn't what I was upset about. "What happened? Did he hurt you?"
Holding me at arm's length, he examines me quickly, checking my arms under my sleeves and my hands, gripping my jaw to tilt my head and examine my throat. I wrap my arms around myself, unsure if I want to cry or scream. It felt like letting him win, to know that this had affected me so badly, that I could ever change my desire for the man before me. He wanted to come between us, he wanted to ruin this for us because that meant maybe we couldn't work.
The closer he got to getting Verando alone, the easier it would be to take control, just like Caspian.
"He tried to," I tell him finally. "Gods, did he try..." Wiping at my eyes quickly, I take a slow, calculated inhale.
A part of me wished to say nothing, to take this secret to my grave, but that was not the promise we'd made to each other. "Fenrir did come out that night. When you blacked out, he managed to slip in. Your mind isn't made to not sleep, there are going to be holes that we can't predict, places where he will be able to take advantage of the gaps. That needs to be our next focus, finding a way for you to safely shut off even if you're still conscious underneath it all."
The expression of Verando contemplating murder never ceases to terrify me, even more so when it's his own self he would like to unleash his wrath upon. "How can we-"
I couldn't let him pull away from me, my body was screaming, begging him not to retract. It would only prove that I was now damaged goods, that I wasn't good enough if I was soiled by another man, even if it was a man embodying my husband. Taking his face in my hands, I pull him to me, kissing him, despite his reluctance.
I can feel the plea behind the need to claim his lips, and he must sense my desperation for he yields to my lips and kisses me back until I'm breathing too erratically to be effective.
"I'm sorry I didn't know," I whisper, wiping my eyes once more, cursing at the level of my weakness. "I- please don't take yourself away from me. Don't punish me, I need you, gods I need you so badly, Randy."
Horrified, he captures my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. "In what world would I ever punish you for this?"
Ashamed, I hug myself, "I didn't notice. I didn't.. I had sex with another man, essentially. How could I not know it wasn't you? Now you're looking at me like-" Shaking my head, I had thought I'd buried this part of myself down when I accepted that he loved me. The side of me that felt ashamed for how many men I'd bedded to stay alive, the side of me that felt I didn't deserve to be loved, that I didn't deserve someone's forgiveness.
"Looking at you like I can't believe you're still here after learning that I let someone get past me." He reassures me, gathering me in his arms to hold me to his chest. "Looking at you like I don't understand how you can ever forgive me. How I could ever get you back after committing such treason? Nic, if you never wanted to join my bed again, I wouldn't blame you."
Shaking my head quickly, I knot my fingers in his shirt, "Don't. Can we both just accept that that happened and move on? One day I can talk about it, and we can think beyond it, but for now, I want to crush it down and move on. I can't do this, Randy, not now."
Reluctantly, he nods. "If that's what you'd like, that's what we'll do."
We were both damaged good, and we'd both had phases of our lives that we'd crushed down. Now we had one we could avoid together. Leaving me briefly, he grabs his book and shoves it back into his backpack, tossing it over his shoulder before sliding the gloves back on and taking a quick inventory of just how much Fenrir had destroyed.
I shudder at the memory, pulling myself together as I put on my professional face. I wasn't a damsel in distress, I could handle this. "Any idea where we can find Hades?" I ask him as we depart from the room, he offers me his arm as we walk down the hallway.
"The underworld has gates, I would imagine we could start there. Matapan Cave in Greece comes to mind. I'm not sure if it even still exists.. but it'd be worth a try. There are a few temple ruins there, Rowan and I can head out in a few days to check it out. While I'm not thrilled about getting a plane with this ability to destroy automobiles, I don't quite have a choice. I need to find out where this train is that Anubis wants me to get on. That might offer some insight into where Hades might be if we can get to him in America."
As he reasons with himself about the ins and outs of traveling and finding this god, I slowly come to terms with the fact that I would be staying behind for the majority of this. Our children could no longer take a back seat to this lifestyle, and with my state, I was not safe galavanting with him.
Verando approaches the host, explaining the state of the room with a level of vague detail that seems to make the man think we'd come here to have some sort of wild, lycan sex. The way his eyes shift back and forth, the way he clears his throat and nods as he jots down details, Verando almost seems embarrassed and it effectively lightens my mood as we go back to the car.
"Hmmm. If I didn't know better, I'd say he thought we were two deviants." I tease as he opens my door for me, I note that he will be driving this time.
"Well, I can't say I blame him darling, you look a mess." Verando pops the mirror down so I can look at my hair, tangled and twisted, while his clothes are in a state of complete disarray from the thrashing that Fenrir performed. My lips were slightly swollen, I imagine from how desperately I was kissing him. We both looked worse for wear compared to when we went into the room.
"Me? Look at you." I challenge, flipping his tie and his now mostly untucked shirt.
Amused, he shrugs as he pulls out of the parking lot, I can tell by the direction change that we are heading back toward our home and I can't help but feel a deep sigh of relief from us both. We needed to go home, to regroup, knowing that we had the book and our house was under protection was cause enough for a moment to recoup and gain some understanding of where 'zero' was as far as what he could and couldn't do.
"It's a shame we didn't get to christen that room, it's not like us, we must be losing our touch." I muse, resting my elbow on the window as I press my cheek to my knuckles.
Verando snorts, running a hand through his hair. "Well, I did try, but you so impolitely turned me down. I wanted you badly enough in there I might have even let you have your own go."
Shocked, I almost choked, making him chuckle. Sometimes I think he says things like this just to see my reaction for it's so out of character for him I never know if I'd heard him right. "My own go?" I retort, voice dripping with disbelief. "Well, aren't you kind?"
Glancing at me out of the corner of his eye, I note the boyish grin and how his cheek dimples in a way that I love. "I can do anything for 30 seconds, err... 2 minutes was it?"
Horrified, I smack his arm which makes him giggle in a way that catches me off guard. I hadn't expected that he would be the one trying to lighten the mood. "Well, when you hardly get time to practice!" I snap at him, "2 minutes... hell, sometimes you don't last 2 minutes."
"Consider it a compliment, my darling. I'm so infatuated that I can hardly contain myself once I'm entwined with you."
"Gross." I sneer, sighing. "Sounds like an excuse for coming fast. You realize I'm going to hold you to this, now? You never put out."
Feigning disbelief, he appears shocked by my claims. "I'm but your humble husband at the mercy of your desire, Your Majesty. To be honest, it was extremely sexy that you were so confident showing me how to use that book. I would have probably done anything if you'd kept that up."
Shaking my head, I cross my arms once more. "As if." I scoff, though if I was being honest, his admittance was getting to me. "We'll see if your tone changes this evening."