Tell Me You Love Me, Sufjan Stevens
24: Simon
Lunch with Wilhelm's parents had gone as expected. Very formaly.
We'd gone to a chic restaurant on the scenic periphery of Stockholm, seated at a table that gave sight to the mountainsides.
I'd obliged myself to keep my posture as straight as possible throughout the meal, trying to refrain from tugging at my collar, where an itch from the rough linen of my button-up had grown, and answered their questions in an almost rehearsed, proper speech.
Was I this desperate to make an uttermost perfect first impression on Wilhelm's parents? Maybe.
Their questions had wheeled around the typical subjects of the first meeting between in-laws, like my family, my hobbies, my school life... and I'd answered them with a depth that was respectful of the circumstances.
I think every time I met with Wilhelm's parents, I fathomed a little more why he was the way he was—suppressed and insecure. I understood because that's exactly how they'd made me feel in the span of one meal, though I doubt it had been their intention.
But in essence, everything had gone well, and there was a sense of accomplishment that came with properly meeting his family.
"Do you think they liked me?" I wondered aloud in the back of the car driving us back to Hillerska.
Wilhelm clasped my hand and briefly pecked my lips. "I do, believe me. They're just not really used to the idea of... us yet."
When I didn't respond he added, "Don't worry, Simon. My parents don't invite just anyone out for lunch; they're trying. And I do think they really liked you."
I frowned. "Are you certain? because it felt like I was under a microscope the whole time."
"Welcome to my world," he said, sighing, and smiled sarcastically.
I chuckled, our knees bumping against the other, and grabbed his chin between my index and my thumb. Our lips connected, softly, diligently, before his hand started groping my tigh, feeling the denim of my pants, and suddenly, there weren't butterflies in my stomach. There were moths, seeking light, so naturally drawn to his aura.
And then, in the heat of our kiss, Wilhelm's hand deserted my tigh, reaching blindly for something behind his back. After rashly fumbling and feeling the inside of the car door, his fingers pushed on a button, and a privacy screen fell between us and the front seats.
Oh? I grinned against his lips.
As a result, we seemed to double with intensity. Our tongues lashed past our lips, noses bumping, and his hands wrapped around my hips to tug me closer. I unfastened my seatbelt in a matter of seconds without care for consequences, and he broke away to do the same.
When we crashed into each other again, his hands climbed up my torso and disjoined the first four buttoms of my shirt while mine untucked his from his jeans.
I slid my hands under his button-up and touched on his stomach, circling his navel with my thumb.
"Tell me if you ever want to get away," he panted against my mouth, breaking away to plant moist, suctioning kisses down my jaw and collarbones, "we'll run away. We'll go far away."
My fingers meandered down over the buckle of his belt, zipper, and his breath hitched in his throat when I slipped my hand between his legs and gripped his inner tigh.
"How about Paris?"
Wilhelm chuckled, his teeth and lips pressing on the skin of my neck, eyebrows furrowing.
"Paris it is," he breathed.
✧ ✧ ✧
Wilhelm drank at Vincent's party.
I tasted cranberry vodka on his tongue when he kissed me, and although it bothered me a little, I said nothing. It was just a few drinks, and it was his birthday, after all. Maybe I should've said something to him, made sure he wasn't drinking for all the wrong reasons, but I said nothing. I didn't want us to fight again.
We snuck out of the party before midnight even hit the clock.
Too loud, too crowded, and too reminiscent of our last party, we thought. Sara wasn't in such a mood for a party, either, so the three of us caught the last bus for Bjästad and sidled back into my place, trying not to wake up Mom.
In my room, Wilhelm and I held each other and watched the fish in my tank swim around stupidly.
Olle, Oskie, and Felle. The three stupid names I'd spontaneously come up with for my stupid fish when he'd asked me their names that night. And now these stupid names held such a stupidly dear meaning to me, so dear that I hadn't even dared to utter them to Markus.
Too personal, too evocative.
"I'm happy I spent my birthday with you," murmured Wilhelm against my nape, squeezing around my waist with his arms.
I turned around to face him, touching up his bicep with the palm of my hand. His face was lit by the yellowish hue of my fish tank light, eyes half-closed and a woozy smile on his lips.
"I wish I'd gotten you something," I admitted, biting down on my lower lip. "There's been so much shit going on these past—"
"I already have everything I could possibly want," he interrupted, planting a kiss of my lips to shut me up. "You're every damn thing I could ever wish for."
He was still buzzed; his pupils dilated, cheeks flushed. He grazed the tip of his fingers along the ends of my curls.
"I didn't even realize you knew when my birthday is," he added, rubbing his thumb on my jaw.
"I looked it up a few months ago."
He smiled childishly. "And when is your birthday?"
"August 21st."
"17 is such a weird age," he spoke randomly. "You're not an adult, but you're not a child, either. And everyone just excepts you to act older and more mature."
"Weren't you always expected to act older and more mature?"
"Yes," he sighed, "but that never stopped me from being a little shit to my family." Wilhelm seemed pensive for a moment, intoxicated eyes staring into mine while he looked into his past, and he grinned. "When I was younger, Erik and I used to do all sorts of things to make our parents mad, like pull pranks on the maids at the palace or make funny faces at paparazzis. One afternoon, we snuck out to the garden and climbed so high up a tree that three bodyguards came rushing out of the palace, screaming at us to get down. And we just laughed in their faces."
"You were just kids," I replied, smiling. "I can't even tell you half of the stupid shit I did as a kid."
"Tell me."
"Sara and I set fire to an old shed, one time," I confessed, chuckling. "On accident, of course. And it's not like the shed was still being used. We were just playing with a box of matches we'd found in Mom's drawers, and suddenly we were running out of the shed and screaming our heads off. The owner was so pissed; Mom never let us near a lighter after that."
Wilhelm laughed quietly, and it was such a beautiful sound.
"So arson's your thing, then."
"Oh, fuck off."
He smiled at me, a dazzling smile that I never wanted to see wiped off his face. For a couple more seconds, we stared at each other, eyes glazed in the dark.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
"I'm fucking starving," I replied.
We'd skipped dinner after lunch with Wilhelm's parents, and with the party right after dusk, neither of us had time to eat anything.
"Me too."
I narrowed my eyes. "Are you hinting at me to go make you food in the middle of the night?"
"Yeah."
I sucked on my teeth and nudged his shoulder. "Mom will kill me if we wake her up."
"We'll be quiet."
"Wille, you're the most loud-stepped idiot I know," I told him.
"This sounds like an insult."
"It should."
2 minutes later, he was dragging me out of bed, and we were tip-toeing to my kitchen, dimly lit by amber and red night lights.
I pried open the refrigerator door, and a bleak yellow hue poured out and lit the room. Wilhelm hung back behind me, listlessly rocking back and forth on his heels and toes, royal blue pyjama pants hanging barely around his bare waist. The refrigerator luster danced like little stars in his irises.
"You're staring," he stated.
I snapped out of my trance.
"Lower your voice, idiot," I hissed sourly, smacking his bicep.
Wilhelm chuckled, "okay, okay."
I grabbed bread out of the fridge and butter and a pan from the pantry. While I set the settings on the stove and spread butter on the bread, his arms snaked around my waist, and my back pressed to his chest. He nuzzled my hair.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Simon."
And I simpered at his words regardless of the circumstances. He was drunk; I was desperate.
"You're a little young to propose, don't you think?" I replied.
"To hell with getting married," he slurred, shaking his head. "I just want to be with you. Forever."
I laughed and seized his hand on my waist in mine, touching on the side of his face with my cheek.
"'Til forever, then."
"'Til forever," he echoed.
What a temporary relief it was, being in his arms and dreaming of a future for us. How could I ever tell him I was still drowning? How could I ruin this peace that we'd given sweat and tears for?
But was it entirely peaceful? Weren't we still frightened and seeking the people we once were and the feelings we once had? Weren't we still abusing sex and liquor to shut the world off?
I guess you could say that heaven was slightly lonely, sometimes.
If I were to perish, I wouldn't want him to blame himself, let alone to perish with me. I could only hope it wasn't too late for that.
Across the room, the floorboards creaked, drawing us back to reality, and our heads snapped to our right to find a shadowy silhouette in the doorway.
"Wilhelm?" croaked my mother.
"Oh, good morning, Linda," slurred Wilhelm happily, fingers toying with the hem of my boxers.
My lips parted. "Hey, ma."
She rubbed her temples, sighing. "Simon, it's 3 in the morning," she stated exasperatedly. "What the hell are you two doing?"
"Um... grilled cheese?"
She sucked on her teeth. "Qué mierda," she muttered under her breath. "Clean it up and get back to bed, will you? I have to get up for work in two hours."
"Vale. Te amo, mamá," I replied as she turned her back to us and headed back to her room.
"También te amo," sighed my mother sleepily from the hallway.
As we heard her door click shut, Wilhelm stifled a laugh and pressed a kiss on my nape. I melted into his embrace, giggling, and flipped the bread on the pan.
The world was empty when we were together. Just him and I.
"I love you," I whispered into the vacuity of the kitchen.
It had been long since we'd said it, too long. I needed him to remind me that what we had was real, that he wasn't going anywhere.
"I love you," he replied.
And it was like hearing it for the first time, I swear it.
i just watched karussell and i am so down bad
also season three release dates??? they rlly had the perfect opportunity to release it during my study week and they simply decided to do it during my exam week
i'm still very excited
okay bye kings and queens