"You awake yet?" Melisse asked, croaky with sleep.
"Yeah, for a while, trying to catch up and finish the diary. It's so awful how my great-grandmother couldn't find her daughter, how she encountered such an impossible decision about moving to America without her."
I closed my eyes as I tried to picture the thin woman from Gramp's photo. Now I understood the expression on her face. It was loss and grief that was barely imaginable.
My fingers tingled like they needed something to do. I checked my phone, worried about the time. The rescheduled announcement was today. Although the delay had us all jumpy, it meant NASA officials would be here to welcome the winner into the Junior Astronaut Program. They had arrived for a special meeting with Dr. Seabron and Parallax had invited them to give out the award.
It would be Liz, Olivia, Christina. Or me.
Melisse rolled over like she was going back to sleep.
"Are you sick?" She deserved my support and I'd prove to her that runner-up wasn't the worst thing. Getting kicked out like Kate was the worst thing. Melisse was brilliant, a genius when it came down to it.
Melisse flipped her covers back and sat up. "I've made a decision."
"About what? Between French toast and pancakes?"
Her expression serious, her tone flat, Melisse said, "I've wasted everyone's time. Someone else could've competed in my place."
"No one could've replaced you."
"Working with Dr. Seabron and listening to your mom's presentation made me see things differently. My parents will be pissed, but I've decided to be a biomedical engineer. I have this idea about using nanobes to target and treat diseases. After what we saw with the nanobes' communication in the cave, it came to me that they could be used as an artificial spinal cord. For Jonathan. What if I could help him walk again? What if the nanobes can cross the blood-brain barrier? That's been a big obstacle with delivery of Alzheimer's medications. It could help your grandfather. Biomedical research is more important to me."
Finally, the animated Melisse had returned.
"You know how much I care about Alzheimer's treatments, but neither of us has to give up our dreams. You could do both. NASA needs all kinds of engineers."
"I know. But I don't want to take the spot away from someone else. It's more what my dad pushed me to do anyways."
"I sure thought you wanted it."
"Never like you. Everyone can see how important it is to you. It oozes out of your pores."
"All the wanting in the world won't help me win. That's pretty clear."
"You don't know what will happen." Melisse buried her face in her hands. "I dread saying anything to Ms. Robbins. Do you think she'll be mad?"
"No need to tell her. Your secret's safe with me." And I felt safe with Melisse. I could admit what had kept me from sleep most of the night. "I don't know what I'll do if I don't win. I can't bear the thought of telling Gramp."
"You can't honestly believe they'd take anyone else over you."
I sighed out my defeat. "Liz is the obvious choice. After you."
My phone pinged with a text from Duncan: you ok this morning?
S: yes. But not much sleep
D: no, i meant about waiting to find out who won
S: there are worse things
D: seriously? what's worse?
S: never knowing what happened to your child
D: ???????
S: my great-grandmother
D: oh. had me worried for a sec
S: you wish
S: jk
D: later, ok?
S: yeah, later
Melisse's whole body was a giant question mark.
"It was Duncan checking on me. I haven't thanked him for helping me."
"I bet he knows."
"I should thank him. Come to think of it, I haven't thanked you yet. Guess I'm a little out of it. Anyway. Thanks. I wouldn't have found those old papers if you hadn't helped."
"Of course I helped. You're my friend."
My friend. Melisse was my friend. And Christina, too. And Duncan. We'd all made mistakes, but I'd become friends with them, and I cared about what happened to them. That they cared about what happened to me was new and had been hard for me to recognize. Strange to finally understand the wall I'd built was because, after Lucy, I believed that I wasn't even worth being a friend, let alone worthy of having friends. It was a lot for six weeks. That first day was a lifetime ago.
I said, "I let the diary distract me from putting out my best effort. Right or wrong, it was my choice. I have to live with the consequences."
"I can't imagine what it would have been like if you'd put 100 percent into Parallax. Kind of scary. What will you do?"
"No one said I had to be a Junior Astronaut to become a real astronaut. NASA hasn't heard the last of me yet."
"How will your parents react? If you don't win?"
I wondered if they'd even notice. Sending me to Parallax had been a matter of convenience. Then I wondered about my mom and her decision to drop out of astronaut training. She could've have been a mother and an astronaut. She didn't have to pick one or the other. "My parents? You should be worried about your parents."
Melisse collapsed on her bed, falling back with a flounce. "Maybe you can explain it to them. That's what friends are for, right?"
~~~
Christina found me in the library playing a video game. She stretched out on the love seat, twisting to keep her feet off the upholstery.
I said, "That can't be comfortable. Take your shoes off. Then you can relax."
Christina kicked off her sneakers and settled her feet on a yellow throw pillow. "Too bad about Kate. I hope Ben isn't in much trouble, but it's not looking good."
"What can they do to him? He didn't do anything illegal." If he was in a little trouble, that was okay, but being arrested wouldn't be.
"I heard Hidden Springs is going to fire him. For endangering a guest. Which is true. He kind of did. But I don't blame him. He didn't force Kate to go. I saw Kate at the Milky Way Cafe earlier. She admitted the whole thing was her idea."
"Ben shouldn't have gone along with something so dangerous. He knew he wasn't an experienced caver. They both could've died."
Christina said, "But they didn't. And that's important. He's starting at Virginia Tech in September. I think he'll be okay."
"What about Duncan? Any news about him?" If Ben got fired, I was worried Duncan would be too.
"It turns out Duncan told his dad what he was doing. Not all the details, but enough that he's not in trouble."
I said, "That's a relief."
"Have they said what will happen to you?" Christina asked.
"Parallax won't let me back into the lab. Melisse either."
"No one is allowed in. They've shut down the Parallax lab collaboration completely. I'm not sure it has anything to do with us. People have been scuttling around with inscrutable expressions and not discussing things with anyone."
"It's us. You're in denial. I feel terrible about it. At least our little rescue adventure did give the Nano Lab a new angle to research. I mean, they suspect that it might have been the combination of the nantennas and the nanobes that helped the cave transmission. Melisse and I can take some credit for that, I guess. Mostly Melisse."
"Might as well take credit if you can. Any word from your parents? Good news or bad?"
I said, "They haven't been able to reach them yet, so who knows? It doesn't matter anyhow. Losing is punishment enough."
Christina, ever the rose-colored glasses friend, said, "I think it will all work out."
"I doubt it. They threatened to have the diary taken away if I continued. My mom will flip when she hears I ignored her."
Christina said, "When you find his sister, they'll understand. How soon will it be before you've read the whole thing?"
"I'm almost done. To be honest, I'm not sure there are any more clues. I have a feeling my great-grandmother never saw Ginevra again."
"I bet there's more you can uncover online. It sounds like you don't need the diary anymore."
"I'll always need the diary. I can't explain it, but it's something tangible I can hold in my hands as a connection to Gramp that will last forever."
~~~
No. It couldn't be missing. I'd had the diary with me when Christina and I were in the library. I remembered putting it in my backpack. Or had I? I'd looked everywhere, turned the bedding upside down, emptied my backpack twice.
Melisse walked in and looked around at the tornadic effect I'd had on our room.
"It's gone." It was all I could say. I was out of breath from my rampaging search.
"What's gone?"
"The diary" I couldn't believe it. It was impossible.
"I'm sure it's around here somewhere."
"No, it's not." I felt faint. I sat on my bed to try to regain control.
"I'm guessing you've exhausted the possibilities here. It must be in the library. Have you looked?"
"Yes. It's gone." I knew Melisse was still in front of me, but my eyes were focused on the space between us. There was no longer my internal world and the external world. My chest rose and fell, so I knew I was still breathing, but it felt like my senses were shutting down. Images of Gramp in the hospital overtook me. This is what alone felt like. No safety net. No railing. Just falling.
~~~
Melisse lifted the covers off my face, but I jerked them back up over my head. I could feel her hand on my shoulder.
"Christina's here."
"I don't want to talk to anyone."
"You need to hear what she has to say."
"No, I don't. It'll be more of that sunshine bullshit about silver linings." I was glad she couldn't see me wince when I said that.
Melisse said, "You'll be surprised. No unicorns pooping rainbows today."
I snorted involuntarily and peeked from under the covers. "This better be good."
Christina said, "Melisse told me about the diary. And I put two and two together. I saw Kate leaving your room when housekeeping was there. She said she left an apology note for you."
"What are you saying?"
Christina nodded. "I think you know. I think Kate stole your diary."
I bolted toward the door but Melisse blocked me. She said, "Christina and I will take care of this. You stay out of it. We don't want any bloodshed."
Christina's lips pulled into a knowing smile. "We're serious. About the bloodshed. Also about taking care of this. Let us do this for you."
"When? When are you taking care of this? What's the plan?"
Melisse said, "Christina will let it drop to Kate that there'll be a room search for the diary. Then one of us will have her in sight at all times. We think she'll try to ditch the diary somewhere."
I pinned them with my stare. "Don't screw this up." I blinked a few times. "I mean, thanks. You all are the best. I mean it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8 settembre 1945
I have concluded Ginevra and the Ossolas are dead or that the Ossolas are not searching for me. My heart is broken.
Not knowing is so much more difficult than I could have imagined. Will I torture myself forever thinking of her dying without me? Will I wonder for the rest of my life if Ginevra is out there, somewhere, alive?
How does one survive when something is torn away, leaving a hole that can never be filled? How do I find joy again? Can I?
Perhaps leaving Italy is the only choice I can make. How else can I truly leave behind the nightmarish memories I have?
A reply from John has assured me that he will accept Ginevra into our life together. Although it comes after months of searching without success, it is a ray of hope I cling to, the knowledge that love can adapt and grow to meet new circumstances.
I fear I will rely on that love, on John, in the coming years more than either of us anticipated. My life takes me to America. I must decide if I can do that without Ginevra. If I go to John, I must go without resentment that I have left her behind. If I stay and cannot find her, I will have lost John for nothing.
I cannot dwell on it anymore tonight.
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