Natasha was right that you would be upset at her leaving. You always were. But this time you assured her you'd send her lots of messages and pictures even if she didn't respond.
And she admitted to you that she liked having something light to come back to.
It was another typical night for Nat sleeping in a dingy hotel with three of her fellow Avengers who tended to snore. She wasn't getting much consistent sleep which wasn't unusual for her but she'd already had a bad evening. She and Steve had gotten into a pretty bad argument with Tony over some stupid government thing. He knew they wouldn't want to do it but Nat could see that deep down he was scared so she understood him.
She just couldn't go back to being anyone's puppet again.
When she'd finally managed to dose off her mind was plagued with flashes of red and little girls and rows and rows of women standing in formation. A familiar face among them that she wasn't ready to process just yet.
Springing up in bed, she clutched the blanket at her chest, her breaths coming out in quiet but rapid succession. Guilt wracked her body and at times like this, she'd usually seek comfort in Clint or even ask Wanda to help her sleep but when the panic settled she felt the person she was seeking out the most was... You.
Although she didn't know what you looked like, she pictured your rainbow pajama pants and your favorite duck socks. She imagined soft arms wrapping around her and urging her back to bed.
A sleepy soft voice talking to her about anything and everything until she dozed off.
When she lay back down it was with the image of you next to her, and she fell asleep with you on her mind.
It was the quickest she'd ever recovered from a nightmare and the best sleep she'd ever had while on a mission.
The next day she finished her mission earlier than usual and if her fellow Avengers commented on it then it was simply because she wanted to get home faster and not because she'd dreamt of you all night and wanted to text you back immediately.
~~~~~~
You understood Nat still had work to do and thus would leave you for long periods again, but it still left ample time for your anxiety to creep in.
What if she did see you that night at the restaurant and this was her way of cutting you off because she thought you were ugly?
What if she was bored of your conversations and decided you weren't worth it anymore?
At this point, you were waiting any day for the blocked notification to come up when you sent her pictures throughout your day.
So who could blame you if you were using dates with Leon as an excuse to get her off of your mind?
Even if lately you didn't feel anything with the guy you were with...
It was your third date of the week and honestly, you were a little bored. You'd been walking around New York listening to Leon talk for nearly an hour and the charm was starting to wear off. But anything was better than staying in your apartment all day refreshing your phone and overthinking everything you've ever sent.
When you rounded the corner arm in arm with Leon you were surprised to see a large crowd gathering a little further ahead. You didn't know there was any kind of event happening today but to be fair you'd spent all of your time either with Leon or waiting for Nat to text back. Social media had been pushed to the back burner for a while, and if you were honest- your obsession with Black Widow had dwindled sufficiently in the last month. It was probably for the best, your mother was tired of constantly getting updates on where she was spotted in New York or what happened on their latest mission.
Now you had real people to focus on, like Nat, and Leon, and even one of your coworkers started asking you to hang out.
Life was starting to feel a little less dull and you felt like you owed a lot of that to Nat.
Shaking your head you gripped Leon's arm a little tighter, there you go again thinking about Nat. It was impossible to get her out of your head when every little thing reminded you of her.
As Leon steers you in the direction of the gathering crowd you find yourself becoming anxious. Crowds haven't been your specialty, especially not after-
A body bumps into yours as they push past you to run towards the crowd and suddenly you're thrown back to that moment four years ago when you were rushing out of that building.
You hear the sounds of people screaming which in reality is people cheering but your brain can't tell the difference right now.
You look down at your hands and see your own blood staining them- the same way from that day.
The sound of alarms and hurried footsteps mix with the smell of sweat and dirt and suddenly you're unable to catch your breath.
Another person bumps into you and you flinch, you're sure your eyes are wide with panic but you don't know what to do. You hadn't had an episode like this in a long time. You thought you'd finally gotten over it.
Slipping your arm from Leon's you find you're uncomfortable touching anyone and you can't focus.
You try the different breathing and counting exercises your therapist taught you.
It only helps a little.
Someone on a stage in some direction drops a microphone and the sound reminds you of the crumbling building next door. The ring of it is the ringing in your ear from the head trauma and loud explosions. You didn't even realize your hands were covering your ears until you felt something pulling them away. You flinch at the contact, the voice is fuzzy and it's hard to focus on the words.
"Hey"
"Y/n?"
"Can- you he- me?"
"What's- Going-"
When the ringing stops and you hear someone laugh out an apology over a speaker system things get a little less cloudy.
Your eyes shoot from the ground into dark brown concerned eyes and you feel wetness slipping down your face.
Embarrassment floods your system and you find yourself unable to make eye contact
"Can we just get out of here please?"
Leon observes you for a second before nodding his head, slipping his hand into yours, and pulling you away. You don't comment that you don't feel like being touched. You don't have the energy to. You just need to get far away from here.
"I know this really great ice cream place?"
You nod your head and let him lead you. You weren't really hungry but you'd take any quiet place right about now.
Two blocks down you can still hear the crowd but it's a lot quieter than before, Leon opens the door to a Mint and Salmon-colored Ice cream shop and you walk in. The sound of the bell drowns out the sound of the announcer before the door shuts to blissful silence.
~~
"Okay, everyone! Now what you've all been waiting for- The Avengers!!"
Nat fakes a smile as she walks out onto the stage. She was going to kill Tony for stealing her phone and putting a firewall on it to blackmail her into doing this event. It wasn't like she hated doing these things but they'd only just gotten back from their mission and they only had the chance to shower and change before they came here.
Tony truly was the asshole of all assholes.
She had been scrolling through the pictures you'd sent when Tony snatched her phone from her hands, dangling it in front of her and telling her she couldn't text her "new boy toy" until she smiled for the press and signed a few autographs.
Crowds were also notorious for crimes, and although Tony had security stationed everywhere that didn't mean it still wasn't easy to commit a crime in this environment- it was a hotspot for pickpockets and some adult fans could get a little too aggressive or handsy. Anyone could be dangerous- she would know, she's been 'part of the crowd' plenty of times.
Still, the little hopeful faces of all the children in the crowd were part of the reason she hadn't murdered Tony on the spot for making her do this. The kids looked up to her like she was the greatest thing in the world, the ones who saw her as a hero and didn't know about her past.
She wonders how many of those kids will grow up to read about all the red in her ledger and despise her for it.
So she wasn't having the best time. She'd much rather be coddled up in her room reading a book or training in the gym.
For a second she wonders what you're up to today, if you've texted her any pictures since she checked. It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon, perfect weather, the kind of day you'd want to spend outside. The kind of day she'd spend convincing you to go outside and laughing when you sent her a frowny face you'd made out of fallen leaves.
She would get more time to text you or listen about your more than odd work experiences if Tony wasn't constantly bugging her about this government thing.
You seemed more occupied in the days she was gone. You sent her more pictures of things outside than of your coffee table and TV screen. She would take you anywhere you wanted if she ever met you.
She's glad to see you're getting out more on your own though, and if it has something to do with this Leon guy...
Scanning the crowd she observes all the women she can see. Most are ogling Steve and Tony, some of them are looking at her with jealousy over how close to Steve she's standing. She nudges him in the shoulder just to rile them up and she swears a few of them breathe fire. It makes her chuckle.
A few of the women look at her with awe, and she wonders if maybe one of those faces is you. You did say you were a fan of hers.
Would you be at an event like this?
With that in mind, she begins analyzing every single woman in the crown. Searching for your favorite colors, your favorite shows on any shirts, any sign of you in every woman.
But for some distinct reason, she gets the feeling that you're not there.
~~~~
"Why are you always taking pictures while we're out?" snapping another cute picture of your ice cream you put your phone down and turn to Leon. You had been snapping plenty of pictures of random things to send to Nat while you'd been on your dates with Leon. You were honestly surprised he hadn't asked earlier.
Maybe he thought it was a girl thing.
"I'm just sending pictures to my friend" The word feels weird in your mouth for the second time "We don't hang out much so I send her updates of what I do all day" You frown as you see the 'seen' notification on your other messages but no bubbles pop up "honestly I think she's getting tired of it..."
A hand on your shoulder makes you jolt and you try and relax when you realize it's only Leon again. His hand rubs circles on your shoulder and you're surprised at how irritated you are at the action. The Y/n from a few weeks ago probably would have been giddy at all this physical affection but lately, it just doesn't feel right. You don't have the heart to tell Leon that though
"I don't think anyone could grow tired of you, maybe she's just busy?" Slipping his hand from your shoulder to your hand he begins tugging you out of the ice cream shop and into the busy sidewalk. Whatever event was going on earlier had died down and you'd finally recovered from your attack.
Leon begins lightly swinging your arms back and forth as you walk back in the direction of your apartment
"Does she live nearby? If she's busy at work maybe we could surprise her?"
The idea of surprising Nat puts a smile on your face but you don't even know where she lives, or if she'd even want to meet you. The smile slowly slips off of your face and your stomach turns with anxiety and disappointment
"No, she... you're right she's probably too busy"
When you get home you schedule another appointment with your therapist for the anxiety and PTSD... and for the excessive overthinking.
~~~
A few days later the doorbell rings and you internally cringe. Opening the door you're not even surprised when you see the third deliveryman this week. You accept the bouquet of roses with a half smile and then shut the door in his face.
You've been declining dates with Leon ever since Nat came back from work and he seems to think you're mad at him or something so he's been sending you bouquets of roses every few days to ask you out.
You know it's not fair to him when he doesn't know why you've gone quiet all of a sudden but you can't help the fact that you wished you were on dates with someone else.
Someone you've never even seen or met but desperately long for.
The first time Leon got you flowers in your relationship was cute and had you blushing for days. Although you were a bit embarrassed opening the door in your sweats and hoodie, the delivery kid didn't seem to mind as he handed you a large bouquet and a cute little handwritten note.
You were so excited about it that you texted Nat to gush right away.
Nat🔪:
Y/n🍦:
He got me roses!!
The response was immediate as always.
Nat🔪:
But...Y/n,
Roses aren't your favorite flower?
Nat didn't mean to kill your excitement but she couldn't help but feel a little upset that you were getting so excited over a bouquet of flowers that weren't even your favorite.
A few irrational minutes later her thumb hovered over the 'purchase order' button on her phone. Finding some kind of satisfaction in knowing you better and one-upping his gesture.
But she came to the unfortunate realization that she wasn't supposed to know where you live. And it wasn't like she could have you thinking he got you those flowers. So she canceled the order and settled for the hesitant excuses you made for him not knowing your favorites.
That in and of itself should have brought her at least some satisfaction but instead, she just found herself angry that you weren't being treated as well as you should be. She knew she could do so much better. She could treat you so much better than him.
But she was a coward.
~~
You put the flowers on the counter, not bothering to find another vase you knew you didn't have. Whatever initial excitement you'd had when you first met Leon had vanished and you think it was because of Nat.
She'd taken over every single aspect of your life and you didn't really mind, because you liked Nat... A lot.
Shit.
A/n: Sorry to whoever's favorite flowers are roses they were just the most generic flower I imagined a guy would pick~ Starry