As I stood in the kitchen of one of my best friends, I couldn't help but feel an enormous sense of gratitude towards the man standing in front of me. Everyone knew about Harper's difficulty with getting pregnant, and they also knew that she and I were still trying, but Ayden was one of the very few people who knew every single medical detail.
Even though he wasn't officially practicing medicine currently, Ayden got his license reinstated a few months ago. And then he took it upon himself to reach out to our OB-GYN, and with our permission, the two of them were working closely together to help us.
When he came to me that early Friday morning and explained he wanted to work with our doctor to learn everything there was to know about Harper's situation, I was dumbfounded. It wasn't that I cared that he would be involved in our business, I just didn't understand the reason behind it.
"I want to be prepared for anything, Jackson. Just in case."
After what happened with Lanie and her car accident two years ago, Ayden's been pretty worried about everyone. And I've been trying to get his advice about the whole pregnancy situation. Which was one reason I was in his kitchen right now.
"You hungry?" Ayden asked as he flipped some pancakes over in the frying pan. "I can make some more if you want some."
"Yeah, sure. Thanks." I glanced around the large space. "Where's Jack?"
"He's asleep. But he should be up any second." Ayden put a stack of pancakes on a plate before reaching for more of the mix. "Hey, listen. Don't tell Lanie that I let you call him Jack, alright? I'm kind of already in hot water with her for working late the other night."
With an amused snort I walked over to the table and sat down. "You and me both, mate."
"What do you mean?"
"I guess you can say that I was the reason my wife was late to meet the girls for lunch today."
Aydens brows shot up and nearly disappeared into his blonde hair. "Shit, Jackson. You're playing with fire. You know you're going to owe her some more cake, right?"
I shrugged a shoulder. "I'm planning to deliver said dessert tomorrow. All will be smoothed over. No need to fret."
"Says you," he quipped. "But if she finds out I don't give you shit when you call him Jack, I'm gonna be the one in the doghouse. No amount of cake is going to fix that one."
"Perhaps," I chuckled. "But she should have known better before giving him that name."
When her son was born, Lanie named him Nathan Jack Sawyer. She said she wanted to name him after the three most important men in her life who had been there for her and meant a lot of her. Naturally, I was honored that my name was included. Of course, she didn't anticipate that Jack would be the only name that I called him.
"Yeah, you're probably right." Ayden's expression sobered before he asked, "So when will you know for sure if this time worked?"
My own smile faltered. Normally it would be weird for your best friend to know about your wife's ovulation schedule, but considering we asked Ayden for his help, we've made the best of it. And Ayden was one hundred percent professional.
"Today was the last day of her cycle. So maybe two weeks or so?" My mind went back to this morning and the way she looked at her reflection in the mirror. "I think it's starting to get to her, Ayden."
"Did she say that?"
"Not directly. She tries to put on a brave face, but all this try and fail is waying on her."
Ayden's tone changed from professional doctor to concerned best friend. "Sounds like it's getting to you, too, Jackson."
With a scoff I turned my attention to the plate of waffles in front of me. "What are you talking about? I'm fine. I'm just worried about her."
What I told him was the truth. I was worried about her. I was scared to death that if we weren't able to ever get pregnant, it was going to destroy her from the inside out. I couldn't let that happen. There had to be something more we could do. Something I could do.
"Jackson, you don't have to put up a front with me. Especially if you want me to help you guys. We need to be honest and open about this. And I know how you feel about Harper. You'd rather keep all this shit to yourself, pretending like you're all cool, calm, and collected to make sure she doesn't know you're freaked."
I stared at Ayden for a long time as I mentally debated whether or not to play it off or tell him he was right. The truth was, I felt like if I voiced how I really felt, it would ruin everything and make it all too real. But that was mostly for Harper's sake. And she wasn't here right now. It was just me and Ayden. Well, and young Jack but he was sleeping.
"Bloody hell, Ayden." I got up from my chair and started pacing around the kitchen. "Think you know everything? Is your psychic soon-to-be wife rubbing off on you?" Ayden didn't say a word. Just sat silent and stoic as I rambled. "Because I'm just fine. So you can sod off with your worry for me, mate. Harper is what's important."
When I got by the stove I finally stopped pacing. Turning around to lean against it, I crossed my arms over my chest. Ayden was staring at me with an expression that told me he wasn't buying my bullshit.
"You done?" He asked before pretending to check his watch. "Because I got nothing but time today, Jackson. You can keep deflecting and trying to act like you aren't scared shitless, or you can talk to me."
Before I met Harper, I was an expert at keeping my emotions to myself. Hell, back then I barely allowed myself to feel any real emotions at all. At least when it came to women. I didn't have many close friends either. It was pretty much just me and my mum.
Somehow Harper snuck past all my defenses and burrowed her way straight into my heart. It still took me a little while after we got together to become comfortable enough to be an open book for her. To lean on her when I needed it. But it wasn't that easy with Ayden or any of my other friends. Aside from Harper, the only other person I could say I might be comfortable with would be Lanie.
"What's it going to be, Jackson?"
As if he knew I needed rescuing, Jack's voice came through the baby monitor, calling for his mum or dad. Ayden cursed under his breath at the inconvenient timing before glancing to the baby monitor. When he started to get up, I pushed myself off the counter and headed straight towards Jack's nursery.
"I'll get him," I said to Ayden as I walked out of the kitchen. Standing in that kitchen under the harsh stare of an ex-special forces soldier was making me feel claustrophobic. Going to get little Jack from the nursery was a good way for me to get some air.
This wasn't the first time I walked into the beautiful nursery that Lanie and Ayden decorated for their son. I've been in here more times than I could count. Even so, I always seemed to hesitate before stepping through the doorway. It was almost like I needed to prepare myself before I looked around the room. Seeing the crib, rocking chair, the changing table and all of the other little stuffed animals and baby blankets made me think about what the nursery would look like if Harper and I had a baby.
Not if, I reminded myself. When. I needed to stay positive if I had any hope of keeping my sanity. Truth was, it wasn't only Ayden I couldn't be honest with. I couldn't be honest with myself about what was really going on in my head.
"Jacky! Jacky!" He said cheerfully. Since he couldn't pronounce my name, he called me Jacky.
My mood instantly lifted when I stepped into the room and those green eyes stared up at me. That face was pure innocence and joy, with a smile that made all your problems go away. At least temporarily.
"Hey, Jack," I murmured when I got to the crib. He was standing up with his hands extended out to me, telling me he wanted me to pick him up. Leaning down, I scooped him up. He instantly snuggled close to me and wrapped those chubby little arms tightly around my neck.
"Jack bye?" He asked me. Harper and I were the first choice for babysitters whenever Lanie and Ayden wanted some alone time. And little Jack loved coming to our place. He also recently started calling himself Jack around me and Harper. I had no idea if Lanie knew. If she did, she would probably take away my babysitting rights before burying me in the bloody backyard.
"Not today, little one." I rubbed his back comfortingly. "But tomorrow I'll come pick you up and we can go to the park."
Needing a minute alone with him, I sat in the rocking chair in the corner of the nursery. I had no idea how long we were in there. Had to have been an hour or so. Little Jack seemed content as I held him and rocked him back and forth. He almost always wanted milk and snacks when he woke up. Sometimes he would throw a little fit if he didn't get it right away. But not right now. It's like he knew I was so close to losing my bloody mind that he was offering me the comfort.
It was amazing, actually. How a small child could make you feel so loved. It was also amazing how much this moment broke my heart.
***
I absolutely positively love writing about Jackson and Harper 🖤 they inspired this whole world and I'm excited about this new book for them.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Thanks again for your support and patience.