As they got done setting up Pihu's bedroom, both Ram and Priya let out a sigh of relief. The room looked very beautiful. Almost everything was in the shade of pink, as per Pihu's liking. Even the handles of the cupboard were in the shape of stars.
Ram held Priya's hand who was smiling.
Ram: Pasand aayega na Pihu ko?
Priya: Pasand? Mr. Kapoor you're underestimating her feelings. Bohot, bohot khush hogi. It's looking beautiful.
Ram smiled and kissed her forehead softly.
Ram: Chalo ab playroom.
Priya: Ek 4 saal ki bachhi ke do do rooms. Yahan hi rakh dete cheezein.
Ram: Nahi yaar Priya. Space kahan hai? Aur usko playroom nahi Mila toh bohot gussa hogi. Farmhouse chorhke aana kyun chahegi yahan. Chalo.
Priya nodded and then went to freshen up.
Suddenly Ram heard her loud voice.
Priya: Oh no!
Ram ran towards the bathroom and knocked on the door repeatedly.
Ram: Priya! Priya! Kya hua? Are you okay? Gir gayi kya?
He heard Priya talk from inside, her voice laced with irritation.
Priya: No! I mean main thik hoon. Par...woh maine galti se shower on kar diya...aur bheeg gayi.
Ram: Ohh...ummm...okay. Ek second rukko main towel leke aaya.
Priya hummed in response.
When after a couple of minutes later Ram didn't come back, Priya decided to go to their room and check.
She entered their bedroom and saw Ram still searching for a towel in the cupboard.
Priya: Mila?
Ram: Nahi. Ek second. Yahan hi toh shayad rakkha tha Ajay ne kal. Ek second!
Ram said facing the cupboard, still searching. Priya waited there silently.
A few seconds later Ram found it.
Ram: Mil gaya. Sorry late ho...
Ram couldn't finish his words anymore as the sight in front of him was too tempting to be distracted by something else rather then HER.
Priya was standing there, shaking her head to get rid of the excess water from her hair. Droplets of water dripped down her neck, soaking her kurta. The fabric has just begun to hug her body in all the right places, caressing her perfect curves. Her hair has curled up a little bit because of the water, making her look like a fresh flower that just got showered by the raindrops.
Ram felt weak on his knees. He didn't know if it was appropriate to do that but he couldn't stop gawking at his gorgeous wife. His eyes slowly began appreciating each and every feature of her. That annoyed yet innocent expression on her face made her look more alluring. Those pink lips felt so kissable that Ram felt an uncontrollable urge to kiss them till they're nice and swollen. He felt like her perfect collarbones were calling him to just caress them gently with his lip and admire them. In a few seconds his mind drew a scenario of how he wanted to feel her closer to him, make love to her and cherish her.
Priya on the other hand was so involved dealing with the problem in hand that she was completely oblivious to her husband's appreciative glances. She just wanted to get rid of the wet feeling from her skin. So she walked towards Ram. Taking the towel from his hand without looking at him once, she began to dry her hair with it.
Priya: Tch. Bilkul budhhu hoon main!
Those words finally brought Ram out in the reality and he blinked a few times to steady himself.
Ram: K-kyun?
Priya(feeling annoyed): Nahi toh kya...aise koi galti se shower on kar deta hai bhala!
Priya kept talking, placing all her hair to the front to dry, giving Ram the view his restless heart wished for. Ram swallowed hard trying very hard to focus on Priya's words instead of her bare back that was in front of his eyes. Her skin felt so smooth that his fingers ached to glide on them, for once and maybe just put some wet kisses on it and then open the dori of her Kurta and caress every inch of her body, showering his love on her.
"Ram get a grip on yourself. Tune Priya ko uncomfortable kar diya toh? You don't want to go a thousand steps back again! Just stop okay! Okay focus on her face! Just focus on her face!", Ram thought to himself.
He cleared his throat to gain some control on himself and picked up a small towel. Shaking his head to help him focus, he turned her around and realised that he made a huge mistake by trusting his own mind.
Those beautiful chocolate brown eyes of her didn't even take a second to cast a spell on him and held him hostage. His fingers itched to caress her soft tresses while he inhaled it's irresistible floral fragrance.
And the moment her eyes met his, Priya knew what was happening. His deep blue eyes, dilated pupils and the depth in them screamed that he desired to have more than just a few innocent kisses. But she also felt that something wasn't right. She could feel the underlying restlessness and guilty feelings, not knowing what it was.
But before she could even ask him if he was okay, Ram pulled her towards him, resting one hand on her waist while the other one caressed her hair. And the next moment, he touched his lips deeply on her forehead, staying completely still, taking a few ragged breath.
Ram knew that he needed to divert his mind and he knew that there was no better way than making a silent promise to his Priya.
"I love you Priya and I'm sorry. Main tumhe uncomfortable nahi karna chahta. Main wait karunga, jab tak tum chaho. I promise.", Ram told himself.
Taking a deep breath, he took his lips off Priya and walked out of the room without looking at her even once. A lone tear trickled down his eye as it felt physically painful to be there and still not be able to create an intimate bonding with the love of his life.
Tears poured down Priya's eyes as she saw Ram leave the room. She understood his fears the moment he kissed her forehead. She understood that he feared to make the wrong move and hurt her feelings again. So he chose to remove himself from the situation, keeping her comfort in mind. In that moment her heart filled with immense gratitude for him for taking this step for their relationship. His uneven breaths told her how much he wanted her and she knew the feeling as it was the same for her as well.
Locking the door of the room, she covered her mouth to refrain herself from screaming her frustration out. She felt disappointed with herself. She loved him with all her heart and she wanted to be intimate with him but still there was this feeling of anxiety and hesitation inside of her that she didn't knew the reason for. She could have stopped him from leaving and they could have just put their new bed to some good use by now but she couldn't. She knew that she wasn't ready but she didn't know how to deal with this problem.
She cried for a few minutes and when she felt the coldness of her clothes gripping her, she wiped the tears with her hands and kept staring all around her cluelessly.
Suddenly she remembered about her old clothes and mentally thanked Ram for being such a sweetheart. She walked into the closet and started searching for something to wear.
She caressed the saree she dyed with Ram and smiled. She thought to change into that at first but then chose to wear the Yellow coloured Salwar Suit that Ram gifted her on Diwali, hoping that it might brighten up his mood.
As planned she took out everything. Taking off her kurta she began to examine if her bra was also wet but thanked her stars when she saw that there were very little spots of water on it and it was fine.
But the next moment she felt her throat going dry as her eyes fell on the full length mirror. It was her own reflection that scared her. Those fears that resided in her unconscious until now, began to take its shape in her conscious mind.
With shaky hands, she brushed her fingers over the stretch marks on her belly. Fresh tears rolled down her eyes as she felt the loose skin on her lower belly. Then her eyes went towards her breasts which still looked saggy to her even after she had stopped breastfeeding Pihu years ago. She didn't feel beautiful enough in her own eyes.
And that was when she realised what the problem actually was. She feared that she might not be enough for Ram now that her body has changed. She feared that Ram might not find her as beautiful or as attractive as he found her before. She feared that he might feel disappointed with her. And the feeling behind these thoughts broke her into tiny little pieces.
Ram didn't know how her body changed after she got pregnant. He didn't know which parts didn't really go back to their previous form. He didn't know that he might feel a lot of changes when he touched her. And that feeling of uncertainty began to make her feel insecure.
Ram would never tell her about his disappointment but what if he really felt that way about her body? Then what? Would she be able to handle that? How do couples really deal with this? How do they accept these changes and begin to explore intimacy again? She didn't know the answer to any of these questions.
Losing those 5 years of her life took away a lot of things from her and this was one of them. Ram might know about all this as general information but when he would see these changes in real time, he might feel not-so-good about it and Priya feared exactly that.
A tiny bit of her brain told her that she might just be overthinking. She thought about those blue-blue-green-green eyes that held so much love for her in them. Would they ever judge her like that? Her heart screamed in denial.
But what about her mind? What about these thoughts that was giving her crippling anxiety? Was it that easy to repress those and just move on? And what about the future? Would they ever be able to build that connection of physical intimacy again?
As these thoughts began to make Priya's mind foggy, she felt her head spinning a little bit. So she sat down at the edge of the bed immediately, taking some deep breaths.
She again recalled that feeling of completeness she felt that night when Ram made her his own, how she felt consumed by his love, how gentle yet passionate he was with her.
"Tu galat soch rahi hai Priya. Woh aise nahi hain.", Priya thought shaking her head.
She again looked at the mirror and thought about how she just didn't have the time or energy to take care of herself all these years. Being pregnant in jail added big chunks to that. And after that she took care of Pihu all by herself. There were so many responsibilities that it never even came into her mind that she also needed some care- physically and emotionally, some love and support.
But sadly, there was no one to provide that to her.
She turned her head towards the back and examined the two deep scars she had on her back. Ram didn't know about that also because she always wore clothes that would hide them. Being physically intimate with him meant revealing them to him which would lead to him asking her questions about how she got them and she didn't want that.
Letting out a deep sigh, she decided to change as the sudden dizziness seemed to subside. She put on the yellow kurta and looked at the mirror. It looked a little more fitted around her chest but otherwise it looked fine but not enough to make her feel good about herself. She felt relieved that neither her scars nor her tiny pooch in the belly was visible.
. . . . . . . .
Walking out of the room with a tight feeling in his chest, Ram absentmindedly went to the guest room upstairs. He sat on the bed with a thud, covering his face with his hands.
He blamed himself for not being able to make Priya enough secure in their relationship. He felt scared that he might hurt her feelings by overstepping a boundary.
After everything that happened with her, the way she accepted him and loved him still, was already more than enough for him. So he felt guilty for wanting more.
"Priya ready nahi hai Ram. Tujhe khudko control mein rakhna padega nahi toh Priya ko bura lagega. Woh yeh sochke dimaag kharab karegi ke usse koi galti ho rahi hai, jo ki sach nahi hai. Main khush hoon. Hamara rishta jaise bhi chal raha hai, main usse khush hoon. Aur tu itna demanding nahi ho sakta! Priya ko kitna bura laga hoga. Agar usse yeh lage ki main sirf uski body se attracted hoon...nahi nahi nahi...", Ram tried to make himself understand.
And he remembered how he left her to handle the situation all by herself. She got wet accidentally, she was annoyed with herself and he left her there.
Ram(to himself): Asshole! Koi akal nahi hai tujhe. Kya karegi Priya akele! Idiot!
He again stood up to go downstairs shaking his head vigorously.
Ram(Whining): Priya yaar itna bhi hot nahi dikhna chahiye! Control nahi hota mujhse.
. . . . . . . .
Priya was checking herself in the mirror again, trying to search for more 'abnormalities' when she heard Ram knock on the door.
Ram: Priya? Priya? Darwaja kholo. Main jaa raha hoon mall just give me 15 minutes. Main lekar aa jaunga kapde.
Priya sighed loudly.
Priya: Ek minute!
She hurriedly wiped her face with the towel so that Ram doesn't suspect that she was crying.
After that she opened the door and walked towards the bed to fold her wet clothes to take them home later.
Ram entered the room and a smile crept up on his lips as he recognised the suit Priya was wearing by just one look.
"Yellow jab bhi pehenti hai toh aur zyada khoobsurat lagti hai", Ram thought as his cheeks flushed seeing Priya wear the suit he gifted her 5 years ago.
But then he frowned looking at her. She looked like she was in a great hurry, almost running around the room like a headless chicken. She didn't seem okay to him. He immediately sensed that something was wrong.
Ram: Priya?
Priya was standing by the bedside table, searching for something very urgently in her bag. Her hair was covering the side of her face so Ram couldn't see her face.
Priya: Maine change kar liya hai Mr. Kapoor. Naye laane ki zaroorat nahi. Yeh thik hai.
Ram's frown deepened. Her voice felt a little stressed which she was trying really hard to cover-up. He started walking towards her slowly while talking to her.
Ram: Woh toh thik hai. Par tum...thik ho na?
Priya stopped rummaging through her bag and gripped the edge of the table tightly. She felt Ram's hand on her shoulder who tried to see her face. She swallowed hard, not wanting to spoil his mood.
And the moment Ram saw her face, he knew something was definitely wrong. The tip of her nose and her eyes were red and she was trying so hard to not break into tears again. Ram panicked seeing her like that and assumed that it was because of his behaviour.
Ram(softly): Priya? Kya dhoond rahi ho?
Priya lowered her head looking at her bag with confusion.
Priya(almost inaudibly): Pata nahi.
Ram's heart sank as he heard her troubled voice. He understood that her anxiety was peaking again and he had to try his best to calm her down. So he held her hand and made her sit on the bed comfortably.
Ram: Achha main dhoond dunga. Tum baitho yahan pehle.
He sat next to her.
Ram: Kuch hua hai?
Priya shook her head gently, fidgeting with her fingers nervously.
Ram: Tum ro rahi thi?
She again shook her head in refusal.
Ram: Main...ummm...(clearing his throat) haath pakad sakta hoon?
Priya didn't give a verbal answer but spread her right hand over her thigh. With a sad smile, Ram kept his hands over her and was about to apologise for leaving like that and putting her in a rather uncomfortable position but the moment Priya felt the warmth of Ram's hand engulfing her, tears began to roll down her eyes again.
Ram: Priya?
Priya didn't answer. She couldn't. Ram heard soft sniffling sounds and saw that tears were rolling down her eyes. He immediately sat down in front of her on the carpet, holding both her hands in his caressing them to provide her comfort.
Ram decided to not ask anything until she was feeling a little better. He felt stressed thinking how Priya was struggling so much and how this all could've been avoided. Just when he felt she was doing a little better, she would collapse in front of his eyes and he couldn't do anything to help her.
He again felt helpless.
Gripping Ram's hands, Priya kept on crying. Her tears soaked trickled down Ram's hand. He felt a piercing pain in his chest because his Priya was in pain. Seeing that she was shivering, Ram switched off the AC.
It felt like a long time after which Priya's sobs lessened and she just rested her head on Ram's shoulder feeling tired. Ram held a small water bottle in front of her. She took two small sips from it and slumped her head on Ram's shoulder, breathing heavily.
Ram caressed her cheeks gently, wanting to know if she was fine. He took out a chocolate bar from his pocket to give it to Priya.
Ram: Priya?
Priya hummed, trying to breathe through her stuffy nose.
Ram: Yeh kha lo. Better feel karogi.
Priya straighted herself to look at him and the moment her eyes fell on the chocolate, she repeatedly shook her head in denial. Ram lowered his head feeling guilty.
Ram: Priya...I'm sorry. I promise...yeh phir se...nahi hoga.
Knitting her eyebrows, Priya looked at Ram with a questionning look. Her throat felt a little coarse as she tried to speak.
Priya: Kyun?
Ram: Woh...main...jo...hua...tab. I'm sorry.
And then Priya realised that he was apologizing for getting sexually aroused some time ago. She smacked her head mentally as her man didn't understand how fulfilling it was for her to see that he still felt attracted to her. But then her anxious thoughts reminded her to not be that happy as he might start hating her body when he sees the marks.
With a small, sad smile she caressed Ram's right cheek lovingly.
Priya: Aap please sorry mat kahiye. Aap ki koi galti nahi hai.
Ram looked up with a frown.
Ram: Nahi tum upset ho gayi, tum ro rahi thi. I'm sorry Priya...(tears threatened to fall down his eyes) Main tumhe uncomfortable feel karwana nahi chahta tha...I'm sorry.
Priya felt more upset seeing Ram guilt-tripping for no actual cause. And she felt the need to clarify the issue then and there so that it doesn't lead to any major issues.
Priya(softly): Main aap se bilkul upset nahi hoon. Aur nahi aap ne koi galti ki hai.
Ram's frown deepened as he couldn't put a finger on what made her upset then.
Ram: Toh? Tum ro rahi thi...kyun?
Priya curled up her lips not knowing what to tell Ram, and if she told him how she felt, would he understand?
Ram(desperately): Priya please...kya hua hai? Main seriously bohot concerned hoon. Tumhe pata hai itna stress lene se tumhari tabiyat aur kharab hoti hai.
Priya lowered her gaze, not wanting to meet his eyes anymore.
Priya: I...I am sorry.
Ram: Kyun?
Priya took a deep breath before blurting out what she had in mind.
Priya: Kyunki aap chahte the...aur main....
She prayed silently for Ram to understand her unsaid words as she didn't have the heart to say more.
Ram's tensed eyes softened immediately as he understood her. He caressed her hands gently as he tried to see her eyes.
Ram: Priya...it's okay. Genuinely...it's fine. Main chahta hoon iska yeh matlab nahi hai ke tum bhi same feel karo. Main samajhta hoon ke tum ready nahi ho. Aur iske liye sorry feel bhi mat karo.
Priya finally looked into Ram's eyes. His eyes spoke volumes of understanding and trust he had in her. As Ram met her eyes, he wanted to speak more to make her understand that he was happy anyway.
Ram: Priya main khush hoon tumhare saath. Hamara rishta jaisa bhi hai, khaas hai. Hum dono ke liye. Aur mere liye woh hi kaafi hai. Nahi hi tum pe koi pressure hai aur nahi yeh tumhari responsibility hai.
Priya kept listening to her husband.
Ram: Aur rahi baat meri, toh woh meri problem hai. Tumhari nahi. Tum nahi chahti toh koi problem nahi.
Suddenly Priya felt a desperate need to profess her desires too so that Ram didn't feel that his needs were insignificant.
Priya(almost inaudibly): Main bhi chahti hoon.
Ram was talking continuously when he heard Priya add those few words in the conversation and he was surprised beyond his comprehension. His Priya wanting him was the greatest level of acceptance he had ever experienced in his whole life. He loved her very much but to be loved by her was such a surreal feeling that he couldn't help but feel only joy in that particular moment.
But then he questioned his ears again. What if what he heard was just his imagination?
Ram(completely baffled): Haan? Tum...bhi?
Priya again lowered her head feeling shy but a pang of disappointment still held her back.
Ram: Toh?
Priya kept staring at the floor not uttering a word.
Ram: Bataogi nahi mujhe?
Seeing that she still wasn't responding, Ram slowly took his hand up and tucked her loose hair locks behind her ear, caressing her cheek.
Ram: Priya please bataogi mujhe ke ho kya raha hai...kyunki mujhe kuch samajh nahi aa raha.
Earlier Priya decided not to tell anything to Ram but her heart told her to trust on her love. So she again took a deep breath, gathering as much courage as she could.
Priya: Merestrechmarks...changeshainbohot.
Ram kept looking at her cluelessly, not being able to comprehend a word she said.
Ram: Haan? Haan? Kya?
Priya took another deep breath to say everything out loud. Tears formed at the corner of her eyes.
Priya: Meri poori body mein...stretch marks hain aur ek pooch bhi. Bohot...changes huye hain. (Her voice choked) Pehle jaisi...nahi...hai.
Ram's felt his heart crush. His Priya felt that she wasn't pretty enough? Whose smile was brighter than the sun, whose shining eyes encouraged him to dream again, whose heart was so pure that he could search around the whole world but there would be no one like her? Whenever his eyes found her, he couldn't stop himself from admiring her beauty. Whenever she touched him, he felt loved and cherished. Whenever she flashed her shy smile, he couldn't help but feel attracted to her.
And moreover anything else, she was the mother of his child. She carried their little angel for 9 months in her womb, took care of her, raised her so well. How could he not love her madly? How could he just forget that she had to do everything alone when he had the equal responsibility? How could she not love those parts about herself?
But here she was feeling conscious about her body.
Ram cupped Priya's face softly in between his hands and made her look at him. Priya saw the love and acceptance his eyes held for her.
Ram: Priya...I love you. Every part of you.
Priya shook her head.
Priya: Aap nahi samajh rahe Mr. Kapoor.
Ram sighed deeply.
Ram: Kahan hain stretch marks? Priya tum already perfect ho. Maine yeh pehle bhi kaha hai aur aaj bhi yeh hi kahunga.
Priya held his hand and asked him to sit beside her. Ram did what she wanted. After a bit of thinking Priya decided to show him a little just to give him an idea so that if they get intimate in the future, he won't be too shocked to even respond.
Priya: Aap ko dekhna hai kahan hain?
Ram nodded not knowing what to expect.
Priya lifted her kurta a little and pointed towards her belly.
Priya: Yeh!
Ram couldn't see any issue with it. All he saw was a few stripe like shapes on her skin that were a little different than her actual skin tone. He leaned in to get a closer look. It looked like some kind of a texture on to him.
Ram(looking at Priya): Yeh stretch marks hain?
Priya gave him a nod waiting for his reaction.
Ram: Ohhhh...do they hurt?
Priya shook her head.
Ram: Main touch karoon?
Priya again gave a nod and saw Ram brushing his index finger over the marks with utmost care and curiosity. He had heard about women getting stretch marks because of pregnancy but got to see how they looked like for the first time and he was genuinely fascinated.
But the next moment tears came into his eyes, realising that Priya went through so much changes, it might be so hard for her to adjust with everything and again...he wasn't there to provide her the bare minimum reassurance.
He took his finger off her, not feeling worthy enough to touch her like that again.
Priya felt confused seeing Ram lower his head and going completely silent. She was waiting for him to say something at least. Fearing that her assumptions might be true, she felt like running from there and just hide somewhere so no one could find her.
With tears in her eyes, she stood up to leave the room but she stopped when she felt Ram's hand holding her back. As she turned back to look, her eyes met those guilt-filled eyes.
Priya(with tears in her eyes): Ram...
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I know that you all expected happy chapters. Well that was the initial plan but again my mind just decided that it was time to address the issues they might be facing regarding physical intimacy.
Please don't worry. The happy days are still on but they badly need to sort of things out between them.
Hope you all liked the chapter!