Eira immediately fell asleep while I spent hours staring at the ceiling, a storm slowly brewing inside my head. "You are at it again..." I whispered to myself.
I didn't want to let her go. I wanted to be a part of her universe and for the first time in a long time, I felt that she was the one. But, I was well aware of my dating history – in all of my relationships, I was the one who would readily give even when I could sense that my partner was reluctant to do the same.
"Bakit hindi mo ako ipakilala sa pamilya mo?" I had asked my fourth girlfriend whose alibi was that her mother was very protective of her so she couldn't stay out late.
"Bren, hindi pa nga pwede. Besides, close na close si Jay sa pamilya ko. I don't want them to make comparisons between you two."
"Candy, almost a year na kayong hiwalay n'ung ex mo sabi mo. Akala ko ba alam sa inyo na may bago kang boyfriend?"
"Please, intindihin mo naman ako. Nahihirapan na nga ako, eh, because you keep on pressuring me. Sa tingin mo ba ayaw kitang ipakilala sa amin kung gan'un kadali—"
"Anong mahirap d'un? Saan ang mahirap d'un? Ipinakilala nga kita kaagad sa mga kaibigan ko—"
"Pero, hindi sa pamilya mo kasi wala ka n'un! And maybe that's the reason kung bakit ka nagkakagan'yan kasi hindi mo alam 'yung dynamics ng isang pamilya!"
It was months later when I found out that she and her ex were back together which made me, her boyfriend of nine months, the third party in their four-year relationship.
"Putang ina kasalanan ko ba na wala akong maipakilalang pamilya sa kanya dahil 'yung tatay ko ay nasa ibang bansa at 'yung nanay ko naman ay hindi ko mahagilap?" I had drunkenly asked my friends.
"Eh, kasi nga, Pare, ganito 'yan. Hindi ko nilalahat, pero 'yang mga babaeng 'yan, kapag masyado kang mabait ay inaabuso ka. Kasalanan mo rin naman, bigay-todo ka kapag nasa relasyon," Henry had told me while refilling my glass with Emperador.
"Magkano ba ginastos mo d'un sa Candy na 'yun?" Gene had queried before popping a spoonful of corn sisig into his mouth. "Ang galante mo rin kasi. Sa bata mong 'yan ay ginagawa ka nang sugar daddy."
"Eh, hindi ba, kapag girlfriend aalagaan mo? Bakit ko naman titipirin—"
"Hindi ka pa rin natuto talaga, ano? Minsan sarap mo nang hatawin ng tubo sa ulo, eh, baka sakaling magising ka na d'yan sa mga kahibangan mo."
"Gago ka, Laus..."
"Totoo. Naiinis na nga ako sa'yo, Pare, eh, kasi four girlfriends later ay ganito pa rin ang ending. Kahit may ulcer ako ay kailangan ko pa ring uminom dahil kailangan mo ng karamay. Lumalala tuloy, eh. Baka naman ikamatay ko pa 'yang kabobohan mo pagdating sa pag-ibig."
"Inang 'yan, kung makasabi ng bobo naman. 'Tsaka gago ka, sinisi mo pa ako d'yan sa ulcer mo, eh, tumador ka na naman talaga bago tayo nagkakilala," I had answered and Gene had laughed. "Pero, ang malas ko talaga sa mga babae tangnang 'yan, 'di ko alam kung isinumpa ba ako o ano."
"Nakarating ka nang Amerika ay naniniwala ka pa rin talaga sa sumpa, Moore?" Gene had asked. "Nantutsa. Walang sumpa, uy, engot ka lang talaga pagdating sa babae," he had added.
"O, baka naman lalaki pala ang nakatadhana sa'yo? Sinasabi ko sa'yo, Moore, 'di kita type."
"Ako naman, Moore, ay straight at nasa isang committed relationship kaya pass."
"Tangna nitong mag-pinsang Laus na 'to. Pagbuhulin ko kayong dalawa d'yan makita n'yo," I had said and my friends had laughed.
It took me a while to get into another relationship after my fourth girlfriend. I told myself that maybe I should start focusing on myself and my ventures first. For a year, I stayed single and it paid off because I was able to expand my business. And then along came Dina.
"Welcome on board Kar Kradle, Brennon," Lambert, one of my business partners, had said extending his hand towards me.
"Thank you," I had answered shaking his hand.
"S'ya nga pala, this is Dina, she's my secretary. Single rin 'yan katulad mo."
"Hindi ako naghahanap ng girlfriend, pera ang hanap ko," I had replied laughing.
But Dina was persistent. Unlike my other girlfriends, she did the wooing.
"O, Dina, bakit ka nandito? Wala ka bang pasok?"
"Eh, biglang na-miss kita kaya hindi na ako pumasok."
"Ano ba naman 'yan, baka maniwala na ako sa mga pambobola mo, ha."
"Bakit ba kasi hindi ka maniwala, Bren? Desidido at pursigido ako sa'yo."
When Dina and I became a couple, I thought that we would last – she was clingy, she was so into me, and it seemed as if her world revolved around me. On our third month together, she told me that the reason why she pursued me was to get over an ex.
"I promise, I am over him now, Bren. And I am sorry because I wasn't truthful in the beginning."
"Di, I will be honest with you, ayoko ng hindi seryosong relasyon. Kung ang rason bakit tayo naging tayo ay dahil malungkot ka pa rin dahil sa paghihiwalay ninyo ng ex mo, I can be your friend. Hindi naman natin kailangang pumasok sa isang relasyon—"
"N'ung una, naglalaro lang ako," she had confided. "N'ung una sa sobrang suplado mo kasi ay na-challenge ako. Pakiramdam ko kasi you don't find me attractive that's why I did everything to get your attention."
"Wait—"
"Saglit lang, Bren, hayaan mo muna akong magsalita, please. Please..."
"Okay."
"But, the more I got to spend company with you, the more I realized just how great a guy you are. Ikaw lang yata ang lalaking nakilala ko na n'ung nalasing ako ay kinumutan lang ako ng jacket ay hindi ako tsinansingan," she had told me laughing softly. "Ikaw lang din 'yung lalaking nakilala ko na kahit nagpakita na ako ng motibo ay todo-iwas imbes na pumatol."
"Should I be flattered?" I had asked in confusion. "That I did not take advantage of you as you had expected kaya ako ang naisipan mong paglaruan? I don't know where this conversation is going but I think you know what I went through with my past relationships. At sa totoo lang ay ayoko nang mag-aksaya ng oras—"
"Makinig ka muna kasi..."
I had sighed. "Fine."
"I am falling for you, Bren. That's the truth. Just like you, hindi rin maganda ang karanasan ko sa past relationships ko. Kaya nga gusto kong maging maayos itong sa atin, eh. Pagod na kasi akong masaktan..."
The relationship with Dina lasted for almost a year – the longest one I've had after Brooke. And just when I was beginning to get comfortable with the idea that she might be the one, she screwed it all up.
"Uy, Bren, kadarating mo lang? How was your visit to Japan? Did you get the deal?"
"I have met with them and submitted my proposal to be their sole distributor pero, mukhang malabo. Naghahanap sila ng kumpanya na mas matagal na raw sa business. 'Tsaka masyado raw varied 'yung businesses ko, they are looking for someone na talagang tututok lang doon sa produkto nila."
"Ahh, sayang..."
"Si Dina pala? Is she still here? I called her phone pero hindi s'ya sumasagot. And her sister said nandito nga raw s'ya."
"Nasa itaas. Alam mo naman 'yung girlfriend mo minsan, kapag nakainom kung saan-saan na lang humihilata. Nand'un pa naman sina Ric 'tsaka 'yung girlfriend n'yang si Mika."
"O, sige, Lambert, akyat muna ako."
"Sige, mauna na rin ako. Naka-all caps na 'yung text ni misis at sampu na 'yung exclamation marks," he had told me laughing. "Sige na puntahan mo na 'yung girlfriend at kahapon pa 'yun nagsasabi na miss na miss ka na raw n'ya."
When I saw her, she was sitting sideways on the sofa with her back to me. I was confused as to why her head was thrown back and why she was moaning softly until I saw a guy sit up to wrap his arms around her. And that's when I realized that she and my friend Ric, who was our chief mechanic, were fucking and she was the one on top.
The break-up with Dina was the messiest. She wouldn't let me go and played the victim card so well that even I started to think that maybe I saw wrong; that maybe I was judging her harshly. Until Ric sought me out to ask for forgiveness and told me that they had been seeing each other behind my back for nearly two months and he and Mika had patched things up because they were having a baby.
"Sorry, Pare, libog lang talaga 'yun, nothing more," he had said before I pummeled him to a pulp.
Eira throwing her leg over my hip halted my trip down memory lane and brought me back to my present dilemma – me planning to risk everything for a girl. Again.
"H'wag ka nang maging tanga, Moore, parang awa mo na. Heto ka na naman. Kahihiwalay nga lang daw nilang dalawa ng ex n'ya ngayong araw na 'to 'tapos eeksena kang talaga? Tama si Henry, bobo ka talaga pagdating sa babae..."
I gently moved her leg off me and quietly got out of bed. I wasn't sure if I should leave her a note at this point or if it would be more insulting if I did. I saw her phone which was sitting on top of the nightstand being charged and picked it up so I could input my number.
Kasi paano kung mabuntis 'to? 'Yung pangalawa namin nag-condom pa rin kami pero 'yung pangatlo hindi ko pala nalagay—tangna kasi puro ka libog!
I might not be a human being of sterling character but I have a conscience and I hated nothing more than the idea of another child growing up without a father because his or her parents were irresponsible and stupid.
I typed my name and then saved that contact before I dialed my number on her phone. I stared at her gorgeous face one last time before I bent down to kiss her on the forehead. "Mag-iingat ka, Eira. Please, kung may aberya like delayed 'yung period mo tawagan mo ako at h'wag mong sosolohin ang problema. Hindi ko tatakbuhan ang responsibilidad ko sa'yo..." I whispered into her ear.
She rolled away from me clutching my pillow to her chest and I just hated leaving her there.
"At least mag-usap kayo, Moore—pero, anong sasabihin ko? I am nearly certain that she'd feel embarrassed and she would probably rather pretend that this didn't happen. Tama, tama itong gagawin mo. Kailangan mo nang umalis or else you are just going to make this awkward for her."
I did not bother washing up and just put my clothes back on. I left her hotel, headed home, and then took a shower. But, I couldn't get my mind off her.
"What if she's in pain? Mamaya hirap s'yang tumayo kasi nasobrahan kagabi being that it was her first time 'tapos—tangna sigurado ako mas pipiliin pa rin n'ya 'yung ex n'ya. Halos lahat ng ex ko ay pinili ang mga ex nila before me..."
I finished bathing and changed into a pair of cotton shorts and a shirt. I sat in front of my television and started browsing channels.
"H'wag ka nang babalik d'un, mas makabubuti sa kanya kung hahayaan mo na lang s'ya. Wala na lang ang sex sa mga babae ngayon, no big deal na. I am sure she'll be okay—but she's a fucking virgin, you asshole. Big deal 'yun kasi first time n'ya—pero, may boyfriend nga—putang ina, 'di ba, hiwalay na nga dahil niloko s'ya—why am I arguing with myself? Gutom lang ba ako?" I asked myself out loud pushing to my feet.
I decided to do my laundry because I needed to clear my head. "I am so domesticated that I do my laundry now instead of get drunk when I have a lot on my head," I said chuckling. "Maglalaba ka talaga, Moore, eh, hindi ka naman marunong? Teka nga ayusin ko na lang lahat ng mga marurumi kong damit para madala doon sa laundromat ko at bahala na si Ellen sa mga 'to."
I was turning my clothes inside out when something fell out of my pants' pocket. I bent down to pick the card up. "Keycard—oh, shit, keycard ni Eira 'to!" I said before hurrying over to my closet. "Magbihis ka, ihatid mo 'yan sa kanya, 'tapos kumain ka—bakit ka nag-eempake, Moore?" I said as I stashed clothes inside my duffel bag. "Saan ka ba pupunta, P're, magbabakasyon ka ba?" I added before I changed into black denim pants and my black Nirvana shirt.
I took money out of my bank. I reckoned that at least I should come prepared although I wasn't sure what I was preparing for. When I reached her hotel, I went straight to the second floor and entered her bedroom.
She wasn't in bed but the shower was running. Okay, h'wag mo na s'yang hintayin at iwanan mo na lang 'yung keycard n'ya sa kama. Tama, 'yun ang gawin mo—pero, nandito ka na rin ay bakit hindi mo na lang s'ya kausapin?
I opened the cabinet and then put my bag inside before I sat down on her bed. I tried to appear nonchalant by leaning back and using my hands for support while crossing my legs but I couldn't stop jiggling my foot.
Putakte, bakit ba ako ninenerbiyos?! I quietly asked myself as I stood.
The shower stopped and I hastily sat down on the bed again. Okay, kumustahin mo lang 'tapos umalis ka. Tanungin mo lang kung may kailangan ba s'ya 'tapos magpaalam... my thoughts trailed off as Eira walked out of the bathroom naked.
"Dapat kasi inilabas mo muna 'yung toiletries mo pati towel mo sa bag bago ka—" She stopped her monologue to stare in surprise at me.
Inang 'yan. Talaga ba, tinitigasan ka na naman?
I cleared my throat as I tried to cover the bulge in my pants with my arm. "Hi..." I greeted.
"Hi..." she greeted back.
"Wala bang towel sa banyo?" I asked as I watched heat slowly creep from her chest to her face.
"I'm wet—I mean it's wet..." she stammered.
I pushed to my feet.
Hindi pwede 'to, Eira, kailangan mong panagutan itong ginagawa mo sa akin...
"Ano bang ginagawa mo rito? May nakalimutan ka ba?" she queried.
Oo, nakalimutan kitang iuwi...I wanted to say but smiled at her instead.