Severus,
Given how you've acted around me the past months, I'm not sure if you would want to see me. However, I really do want to meet with you, I've been missing my friend.
I'll be at the Astronomy Tower at 8 pm, hope you decide you want to see me too.
-Katherine
Severus had received this note at breakfast, drawing the unwanted attention of students as it was not that common for professors to receive mail. It was surprising, he would've expected the woman to be at breakfast herself if she wanted to give such a message. He chose to ignore it just as he had decided.
When the day was over and he sat in his dim-lit office, heading students' work, however, Severus felt a strange gut feeling building up, telling him to go and meet her. He resisted the urge and focused hard on the papers in front of him, not wanting to give in.
The time ticked by and soon, it was an hour after the time she had suggested. The gnawing feeling hadn't stopped bothering him, and Severus got up with a huff. She was likely not there anymore — who would accept being stood up for an hour? But he would check anyway and tell her off for being foolish if she was still there.
His quick footsteps stormed out of the dungeons, up several flights of stairs and into the Astronomy Tower. As he had expected, it was completely deserted. Katherine had obviously left without waiting too long for him. However, a beam of moonlight streamed into the high tower and Severus' heart stopped.
There were drops of blood splattered on the floor right where it shone, looking fresh within the past hour. No, no, no. This couldn't be, he thought frantically, but deep inside, knew he wasn't mistaken at the idea that Katherine had gotten into another accident.
In the spur of the moment, he turned and ran to the Hospital Wing, his black hair flying behind him messily. Severus was out of breath when he pried the door open quietly and gazed inside. There she was, lying on the same bed as the last time she was here. This time, there were bandages wrapped around her knees with one in a cast, and a small plaster on the side of her head. It almost appeared as a terrible nightmare, but he knew it was real this time. Before she could notice the open door, he quickly shut it and stared into the darkness, pain throbbing in his heart.
He was in disbelief. How had he not seen this coming? He had been busy worrying about his allegiances in the past, about keeping her safe from any dangers... but what was he supposed to do with this? Ever since she had begun to show strange symptoms, he had been in denial, convincing himself that she was fine and didn't have any health issues. Now, all the signs made it clear that Katherine was not alright, and there was nothing he could do to protect her. From what she had told him before, there were some cases where even magic didn't help, including potions, and from the expression on her face that day, it was evident she was talking about her own situation.
That night, Severus tossed and turned, but only dreadful thoughts of what was to come plagued his mind and overtook his sleep. Why was it that every single time he allowed himself to love someone, they always had to be taken away from him? Even when he tried to prevent himself from falling for her, even when he vowed to stay away from her and not give in to his feelings. No matter what he did, they all got hurt in the end.
It was a curse he could never get rid of.
‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹
Katherine sighed deeply after she drank her medicine, staring longingly towards the Hospital Wing door. After her new incident where she had broken her leg and injured more parts of her body from falling at the Astronomy Tower, Madam Pomfrey would not let her leave until she was inspected by her doctor at St Mungo's.
"What's wrong, Katherine?" inquired Madam Pomfrey who sat next to her, helping her to clean her wounds.
"It's just... I sent an owl to Severus telling him about what happened and asking if he could visit a few days ago, but he hasn't responded..." she replied, frowning. She really was beginning to believe that he didn't care about her anymore and wanted her out of his life. "He doesn't have to, of course... I just feel lonely and kind of hopeless without a friend around."
The infuriated expression on the matron's face was enough to scare even Katherine. "That selfish bastard," she hissed venomously, "I'll take care of it."
"No, no!" Katherine interrupted, not wanting to cause trouble, "There's no need. I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to-"
"Nonsense! I'm sure if he was in your place, you would be coming here every day to try and cheer him up!" the older woman exclaimed, getting up. "You don't deserve any less than that. Don't worry about it, dear, I'll put him in his place for you."
That same night, Severus heard loud knocks on his door while he was seated inside his office, almost falling asleep while he was reading a book to try and calm the worrying thoughts running through his head.
"Come in," he said, not bothering to look up and assuming it was a student with a question.
A pair of hands slammed onto his table, causing him to look up in anger. However, the Potions Master was shocked to be face to face with the Healer of Hogwarts, who bore the most enraged expression he had ever seen on her, despite the fact that she was irritated on a daily basis.
"Poppy?"
"Don't 'Poppy' me, you dingbat!" she yelled, pointing a finger at him, "Your friend has been lying in the Hospital Wing all alone for days, wishing to see you, even specifically requesting your presence, and you can't even spare a minute to go and check in on her?"
His chest tightened with guilt and sorrow, but he didn't let down his annoyed face, glaring at her as if offended by her remark. "Friend? No, I don't have time to do such a thing," Severus said coldly, "Perhaps she should make other friends who are willing to waste time speaking to a clumsy fool who can never take care of herself." He internally cringed at his unreasonable words which struck even his own icy heart.
Madam Pomfrey gasped, now shaking with anger. "Clumsy fool? The only fool here is you, the selfish imbecile who never bats an eye at what is happening to others, while you're over here believing that everything you do or you think is right! The poor girl can barely control her legs and struggles everyday. She said she felt hopeless without you around. Stop thinking it's all about you — you're not wasting your time, but hers, waiting for a brainless git to realise that he needs to step up and communicate with his friend!"
He took in her contorted, crimson face with his obsidian eyes, quite speechless for once. Katherine felt hopeless without him? That didn't sound right, it should be the opposite... after all, she was the one who had brought him the thin slivers of hope he wanted to cling onto. Inside, his stomach was churning with despair at the news, though the matron couldn't tell.
She desperately wanted to slap that impassive look off his face but instead huffed and turned her head up.
"Use that brilliant brain of yours. I expect my patient to be looking brighter by this same time tomorrow," she warned, walking out and slamming the door harshly.
Severus closed his eyes, almost wanting to cry. Madam Pomfrey was right. He only cared about his own feelings — desperately avoiding reality, wishing he could just forget everything that had happened, forget about his feelings for her... even though she was in pain and needed someone by her side. But then he remembered something.
"I think... when I love someone, I love them for everything they are. I want to support them, know everything about them... and stay by their side forever," she had said. What sort of person would he be if he just left her alone? He couldn't claim to love or care about her if all he ever did was ignore her. She had made her way into his life to help him relieve his suffering, yet here he was, trying to abandon her at her worst. Not even his fear of giving in to love justified that fact.
Taking a deep breath, Severus got up and grabbed a Dreamless Sleep Potion for once, deciding he would need his energy for tomorrow and couldn't have any negative thoughts running through his mind.
‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹
Waking up from a well-needed rest, Katherine was greeted by Madam Pomfrey again. The older woman still had an irritated face from the night before. She wondered if that meant the confrontation didn't go well and Severus had refused, but the Healer reassured her that she would for sure get her visitor — "Unless he wants to get his arse beaten," she had said sternly.
Despite Madam Pomfrey's insistence, however, Katherine found herself spending the day alone again, with only a book and occasional hoots from her owl to keep her company. She was used to it, though it hurt more after she had been given so much hope. Gradually, the place grew dark and she switched on her bedside lamp, lying aimlessly inside her white blanket. Now the nurse was really pissed. She stormed out of the Hospital Wing, cursing under her breath which made Katherine laugh both in amusement and in terror for what Severus might endure just because of her words.
She was startled when only a few seconds after she left, the door creaked open again. A dark silhouette made its way closer to her bed and her heart skipped a beat to hear the deep, silky voice that she had been wishing for this whole time. "Katherine."
She sat up immediately to get a good look at the Potions Master. He stood hovering over her in his long black robes, his raven hair framing his contrastingly pale face, where the expression in his dark eyes was wavering relentlessly. The two stared at each other for what seemed like a long time, though a smile was slowly forming on her face.
"Severus... I thought you would never show up," she said softly, "If you didn't want to..."
He sighed, placing his hands on either side of his head and seating himself beside her bed, finally revealing his built up despair. "No, I had planned to visit earlier today but unfortunately I had the duty of teaching the Slytherins to dance. I had such trouble finding students who knew how to dance to demonstrate the steps, because I obviously wasn't going to do it. The rest of them were all terrible," he growled.
A small laugh escaped her lips. "I wish I could've seen that."
Severus' gaze lingered on the crinkled sheets in front of her, inhaling deeply. He had to let the words out now, or else he would avoid it again. "I'm sorry. If you hadn't asked for me, I may not have ever come to see you again."
She placed a hand on his cheek, turning his head towards her before dropping it once more, so that he could see the softness of her hazel eyes. "It's fine, I wouldn't have let you out of my life that easily," she said with a cheeky grin, though he heard a quiver in her voice. This was not the time he wanted her to be faking her happiness.
"No, it's not fine," he snarled, frustrated with himself. Severus lowered his voice again, not wanting to agitate her. "I don't want you to think that I didn't want to see you, Katherine. I did. As you know, I am having a hard time coming to terms with the concept of... this. I tried to distance myself, thinking that you would be better off without me, even when you clearly wanted to see me. It's most definitely not fine that I was about to let you suffer on your own, when you... when you were attempting to help me through my own turmoil all this time."
He slowly let out another breath, seeing her unchanging face. "Will you forgive me, Katherine?"
Severus' eyes widened when he noticed tears welling up in her eyes, but she hastily wiped them away. "Thank you... I forgive you, Severus, on one condition," she said.
"Anything," he breathed in anticipation.
"Bring me another chocolate eclair the next time you visit!" she exclaimed, beaming at him.
His lips twitched upwards and he rolled his eyes at her. "That's all you think about, you silly woman." He paused, another serious thought overtaking him. "How many accidents like these have you had in the past?"
It was her turn to avoid his gaze as she spoke. "Not that many..."
He grabbed her shoulders firmly and glared at her. "Do not lie to me," he hissed. From this angle and how close their faces were, he noticed that a few freckles had sprouted on her otherwise pallid cheeks, probably as she had been going out more often. The thought of her going out with Remus displeased him greatly, but he pushed the thought out of his mind. He wondered, though, if Remus knew about these accidents she had been having and whether he knew if she had an illness. How long could she keep this up for?
Katherine bit her lip, nervously clutching onto her blanket. "I- I'm okay, really, just clumsy. It's not a big deal," she lied again. Severus growled in frustration — why did she keep denying it when there was obviously something wrong? Madam Pomfrey had said something about not being able to control her legs the other night... he kept his tight grip on her for a moment, wanting to get the truth out, but reluctantly gave it up since she looked terrified.
"There were two instances that I felt completely helpless in my life," Severus said quietly, much like the other time when Katherine had talked about her experience with Lily's death. She looked on silently, surprised like he had been with this topic. "One was the same one as you, the other time was when I received the news that my mother died, and I thought I would be alone in dealing with my father. I... I wanted to die. It was all so dark, I was drowning in my own self-pity with no will to live. I just don't wish to ever experience that feeling again."
He froze as a warm pair of arms enveloped him, feeling her forehead pressed against his shoulder. It wouldn't be a surprise if she could hear his heartbeat considering how hard it was pounding against his constricted chest.
The door burst open and Madam Pomfrey stopped, blinking at the scene before them. Katherine let go of him and threw her blanket over her head, her cheeks flushed crimson. She shouldn't be this embarrassed, but for some reason she was. It was just a hug, for heaven's sake! It should be normal for her.
The matron had been prepared to go on a furious rant about how the Potions Master had not been in his office and was clearly hiding from her, but her uptight expression dropped at the unexpected sight. "I'll... be in my office if you need me," she said before quickly backing into her office.
Severus raised his eyebrows at the blanket that covered Katherine completely, which was meekly pulled down to reveal her timid smile. "Sorry, I just thought it was really sad... you've been through too much for your own good," she said. She was glad he had confided in her again.
He shook his head. "Life is unfair and the past cannot be changed now. I only wish I could find a real purpose in life, something that doesn't seem like it could come crashing down any second," he reflected sombrely.
She smiled at him, her eyes reflecting the warm light from the lamp, making him feel strangely safer than he had ever been. "I hope you'll find it soon."
He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders, as he had finally confessed the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind. Perhaps Severus was already starting to see a real reason to live, he just hadn't realised it.