𝐇𝐞𝐲, 𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝟒 𝐚.𝐦. 𝐢𝐧 𝐋𝐀.
𝐈 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐰𝐚𝐲
Buck
The good news is that I found a place to stay in a hotel.
The bad news is that I haven't found my sister yet and she could be in danger.
What if some crazy man is after her again?
"Buck, where are you?" I hear Eddie's rough and groggy voice on the other line.
His voice sounds so sexy at the crack of dawn in the morning.
"Hey, I know it's 4 am in L.A. I hope you'd still be up anyway." I say on the phone while I lay against the pillows the hotel provided me.
"I'm up now. Did you find Maddie? Buck, you have work in about 3 hours. What am I supposed to tell Cap and Amelia?" I take this as a sign that he's wide awake now.
"Tell Cap I'm out of town. I guess you can tell Maddie that Amelia's father needed a weekend trip away." I tell him without thinking about it first.
What will Amelia think I'm doing when she here's that?
"I'm not going to lie to your kid and boss. Buck, where are you? Are you safe?" Eddie yawns while on the phone with me.
"I'm safe in a hotel room. I'm still worried about my sister. She isn't responding to my texts or calls." I say while I am wide awake.
"Maybe it's because she doesn't want to be found. Buck, she's an adult. She can take care of herself. Please come home. I can't watch your daughter for you. I have job and a son. I have a life." Eddie says to me
"Wait, Eddie are you saying this because you need me? No one's ever needed me before besides Cap." I close my eyes and hold the phone to my ear.
"Buck, all I'm saying is that you are my mentor. Aren't you supposed to be like training me on the ins and outs of the station?" Eddie says in his rough, tired voice.
Damn why do I like the sound of his voice? It's almost 4:30 am.
"Oh, um I was supposed to. Let's forget about that. Can you please watch Amelia for another day? Take her to the station with Hen. I'll be back in a day. Don't tell Cap I'm out." I say to Eddie wide awake and hang up on him.
I have so much energy this early in the morning. I better start looking for Maddie again.
But first, a cup of coffee.
After two cups of black coffee, a run around the hotel to get my mind off Eddie, and some complimentary breakfast, my phone starts ringing again at 6:30 am. I look down at my phone and see that Eddie is calling.
This is going to be interesting.
I bet he told Cap about my off day.
He's the newbie. Of course he's a big mouth.
"Hello?" I hold the phone to my ear.
"Dad. Where are you? I have my first day back at school today. You know how scared I am to go back. I'm sorry I didn't open up about the fire earlier. I'm ready to talk. Where are you, dad?" I hear the nervousness in Amelia's voice and hear her yawn tiredly on the other line.
"Hey, Mils, I'm out of town to see a firefighter friend at another station. Can you go to the station with Eddie today please?" I bite my lip and hope she listens.
I mean she's 10 so listening isn't really her thing, however the fire might have caused her to be more clingy around people, especially Eddie.
"Why? Why were you talking to Eddie this morning? What aren't you telling me dad?" I can hear her voice crack.
She needs me.
I'm her only parent left.
I hate doing this to her. I have to find Maddie. I have to leave Mils with Eddie.
I trust Eddie to take care of her.
"I was asleep this morning, Mils. What are you talking about?" I lie to her.
"Dad, do you like Eddie? Are you secretly talking to him behind my back? I'll tell you how I'm feeling if you tell me how you're feeling. Please?" I hear my ten year old bribe to me even though she should be getting ready for school.
"Amelia Hope Buckley get ready for school. I'll be back tomorrow when you wake up. Please be good for Eddie and the rest of my co-workers." I sigh while rubbing my head.
I don't know what I'm going to tell her.
That I'm over her deceased mother and like my new co-worker?
That I am not actually looking for Maddie, I left town to figure my shit out.
I think I'm either gay or bisexual. I'm freaking out about it.
Ever since Eddie got to L.A, everything has been weird.
I get like hot flashes around him. I don't know what to say half the time besides talking about Amelia. I don't know why Cap told me that I have to mentor him.
Why can't Hen or Chim do it?
To top it all off, Amelia is slowly figuring out that I like Eddie. It's going to crush her if I admit it.
She's still sad about her mom and I haven't told her about the suicide attempt in her car crash.
I can't tell Amelia about her mom. She's already been through enough after the school fire.
I need to escape again.
This time, I check out of the hotel and hop back in my car.
As soon as I turn the engine on my phone starts ringing again, this time its Maddie calling.
Shit.
I'm in big trouble.
"Hey, Maddie." I say casually and leave the car in park.
"Buck, why is your daughter calling me from the station and saying that you aren't there with her? Buck, your daughter was in a school fire. Why are you abandoning her all of a sudden?" I hear Maddie say and can tell that she's at the dispatcher office,
"Maddie, I'm out on a long weekend trip. Can you please watch her tonight for me? Eddie has been watching her and he's working today." I breathe for a second and half lie to her.
Eddie is working today. Someone else is going to have to mentor him, not me.
"Where are you, Buck?" Maddie says to me in an angry tone.
"I'll be home tomorrow." I say to her before hanging up.
Shit.
I'm going to be in big trouble with Cap tomorrow.
I drive for 6 hours until I finally get to a place where I can be alone.
The cemetery where Amelia's mom's grave is.
I need to come here more often to visit her grave without Amelia.
It's like my quiet safe space.
"Hey, I know I don't visit much. I'm sorry about that. Things have been hectic with Amelia growing up to be a pre-teen and working at the firehouse. I love what I do, sometimes I just need a break you know?" I sit down on the grass beside her gravestone and touch it gently.
I never get close to the grave.
For some reason, I always come here and believe that Amelia's mom is still mad at me.
I know she's deceased. However, I can never forget our fights.
We were young and dumb people not ready to be parents.
I wish I could take all the yelling back.
"I don't know who to go to about this. I'd go to Maddie but she'd kick me in the butt. There's this guy at the station. He's new and I'm supposed to be mentoring him. His name is Eddie and he has a kid too. Christopher is a little older than Amelia. I love that the two kids get along, Anyways, I think I like Eddie like more than a friend. Does that make me a jerk again? I'm sorry we didn't work out. I wish we didn't argue so much about Amelia." I say to the ground while feeling a tear roll down my cheek.
Shit.
Why am I crying?
This is dumb
"I should go check on Amelia. I don't know why I came here." I say to her grave while standing up.
I walk a little way down a hill until I reach a big tree near my car.
There's another car parked beside mine.
Weird.
"Buck, are you okay? You're not at work. Why not? Amelia is worried about you. And you look like you've been crying." I see Hen get out of her car holding onto a bouquet from the supermarket.
"Hen, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?" I approach her.
"I asked you first. And I am here to drop off some flowers at my grandmother's grave." I watch Hen block my way to my car.
"I'm here to visit Amelia's mother." I say in a low voice as if it's a secret.
"Oh, Buck. Come here. You look like you need a hug." I watch her step towards me to hug me.
I lean into her shoulder and break down.
I haven't cried or had a mental breakdown since Amelia's mother's funeral.
Maddie's helped me hold it all together.
"I'm so sorry I escaped for the weekend and skipped work. I didn't know where to go or who to talk to. I didn't want my daughter to see my like this. Hen, you can't tell anyone that we talked here. Please promise me." I back away from her touch for a second and face her.
"Buck, first of all, you shouldn't be apologizing to me. You should be apologizing to Cap. What's wrong? You can tell me what's on your mind. I promise I won't tell anyone." Hen hold my hand tightly.
"I think I kinda like Eddie more than a co-worker. I don't know. I get this weird feeling when I'm around him. I can't mentor him anymore, Hen, He drives me crazy by just talking on the phone." I run my hand through my curls.
I'm going crazy.
"Like a crush or something more like love? Buck, you know it's okay to have feelings. It's completely normal to like a person of the same gender as you. You aren't any different. I love Karen and there's nothing wrong with that." I listen to Hen's calm voice.
"I don't know. I thought I only liked women. I loved Amelia's mom for so long. It feels so wrong to like a guy I met at work." I start to breathe heavily.
"And I'm here to tell you that it's okay to decide to like someone else who isn't Amelia's mother. Have you ever considered going to therapy? You know to talk out your feelings." I stand by Hen's car and listen to her.
"Not really. Amelia's my priority. I still need to get her checked for the nightmares she has been having. Haven't had time to do that since I work 8-12 hour shifts." I mumble to her feeling anxious about this.
Would Amelia's mom be okay if I dated a man?
Is Eddie straight?
I know he mentioned he lost his ex-wife.
"There's a therapist that's connected to the station office. I think you should see him to talk about this. He's mainly there for trauma and to talk about what triggers us at work. You can talk to him about anything. Come on, let's go place these flowers down and head back to the station. Someone is antsy to see you. Your daughter." I feel Hen place her hand on my back to comfort me.
Maybe I need to talk to a therapist?
What is talking about my feelings going to do for me?