TITLE: Stars Never Lie
AUTHOR:
GENRE: Fantasy
CHAPTERS I'VE READ: 45 (including the epilogue)
Note:
As I have read a significant number of chapters for you, I am changing the requirements of your payment to better reflect what I think would be fair to ask in return. Therefore, payment for you is as follows:
• Follow me (if you so desire, not required).
• Tell me what you think in the comments.
• Choose any story of mine, read five chapters, and leave comments.
If you have any questions about this change, let me know (:
This review details my opinion. At the end of the day, this is your story, and you know it better than anyone. My opinion is merely that, and it is subjective. I perceived it a certain way and you do not have to agree, since it mostly comes down to my preferences.
Spoilers ahead!
I have tried my best to discuss the entire story without divulging the major plot twists. If the summary of the story interests you, I would suggest checking it out.
Plot
The plot kicks off with Pierce and the story's antagonists. I think this opening wants to establish that robots and droids exist, detail the evil of the Great Republic, and introduce us to a character who becomes relevant later. However, I do think it is, perhaps, a bit too much information in chapter one. A lot of terms are being used during it, and it makes it hard to follow. Though not unusual for sci-fi, which I assume is one of this story's sub genres, I had a much easier time understanding the second chapter and connecting to Citlali. Her introduction in the story comes through with a clear motivation to become a pilot, escape her planet, and find a better life for herself. This is good stuff. There's a nice balance between learning about Citlali as a character, learning what she wants, and connecting that to what she doesn't have: love. When her path crosses with the droid, wanted by the Republic, Citlali gets pulled in and whisked along on this journey. It's very clear and engaging. At the midpoint of this plot is where I think the trajectory gets kind of complicated. Citlali meets Avery and somehow escapes the Great Republic, the specifics of which aren't really clear. After that, I feel like the plot ramps up a lot, introducing a lot of ideas at once: Citlali's visions, the saber, Rhys' identity and the Renegades. The story doesn't mention the droid or what it contains for a good while, and while that's fine since Citlali's job is mainly just to keep it safe, I feel like the story has decided to choose a harder path for itself with all of these elements at once.
What I mean by this is that the balance before was that Citlali had one goal—to become a pilot—and the wrench thrown in that plan was that now she has to worry about the droid and what that means. At the midpoint of the story, there's the threat of the Great Republic, the Renegades, June and Aislynn, and Citlali's bonding with Avery. Once Citlali joins the Renegades, her piloting all but ceases, and I think the story should have shown her ceremony when she joins the Renegades, which would slow down the pace of her time with the rebels. She spends the majority of her time with these characters, and yet I'm not sure what she's doing there, other than growing closer to Avery. Does she get to pilot with them still? What kind of work are the Renegades really doing? I wasn't sure. The plot does eventually find its feet again, though I think that because it's trying to juggle so much at once, the main concepts of the droid and Citlali being a pilot aren't mentioned as much as they should have been. I'm not sure why she doesn't find out earlier what the message the droid is carrying says, since that could be something for her to think about for a long time—it is another character that opens the droid for her, and what its message says doesn't come up afterward, in her thoughts or otherwise. The mystery of finding out doesn't have a true payoff where the reader thinks "oh!", since the contents of its message are shown to us, and then in a later scene the reader finds out that the work to decode and complete the message is done. In essence, she could be ruminating on this message for this part of the story, which would not only give the narrative more ways to tie into the visions and show her intellect, and it would also help with the midpoint of the story where she has less to actively accomplish.
She has so much agency in the beginning, and I think her running from her fate when she finds the saber makes sense: that decision should be brought to the surface more. I'm pretty sure she is rejecting her fate, and then it all bubbles to the surface again when she has a conversation with Om, who admits that she has to think about these dreams she's been having. Since she hasn't thought about them much, it feels less like a character choice, and I feel like when Citlali pushed away the saber was a turning point in the story which should ultimately change the way she thinks, and that would be why she decides to stay with Avery and the Renegades, because hiding is better than this fate she doesn't want, and because she lost Rhys, but because she doesn't really think about it, that motivation becomes a bit less obvious.
The plot concludes in a way that I think is satisfying. I do have lingering questions about how easily Citlali grew into her ability and accepted June, and about what happened to Avery, but in all, I enjoyed this story and how it was crafted. There is a lot of very beautiful writing here, and I'm glad I got to read it.
Characters
Citlali:
She was definitely one of my favourite characters from this story. From her first chapter, she has a very strong voice and great motivation. The plot introduces the reader to what she wants, and it does so by showing the helmet and discussing her aspirations to be a pilot. She's a great character and one that makes sense as the main protagonist that drives the story along. At the beginning of the story, she doesn't want love, and when she finds it, this catches her off guard. She has a lot to learn about the world, and because of the fact that she comes from practically nothing, I enjoyed learning about the world along with her. I do think that I was expecting her to do some more piloting, since that was the first aspiration we learn that she wants, and that doesn't really come up again once the story is about halfway over. I'm also not sure whether she wants to return to her home on Viderni or not, since I get the impression that she wanted to leave at the beginning. When she leaves, she misses home, a sentiment that makes total sense for such a sheltered character, although I wonder what she misses about her life there. Other than being a pilot, she's very smart and capable of thinking on her feet, of problem solving and fixing any issues that arise while on a ship. I wanted to see more of that from her! The scene where she has to work together with Rhys, and neither of them truly trust each other yet because they've only just met, was one of my favourites because of how it showcases everything Citlali is good at.
After she joins the Renegades with Avery, I feel like I wasn't sure anymore what she wanted, other than to be loyal to him. I wasn't sure what she wanted to do about the droid: to hide it or to face the Great Republic. I think this would be the point where she goes from the girl who only ever wanted to escape her terrible home planet to the girl who becomes the centre of what the galaxy wants, and I'm not sure that she does that. Besides joining the Renegades, she doesn't think too much about what to do with the droid or what information it contains that is so important. She comes face-to-face with the saber and runs, abandoning her fate in the middle of this whirlwind, but by the time the plot returns to this idea of her reluctantly becoming a crucial element in something greater than herself, she's discovered who she is, and she isn't really the same character after that.
What she wants after the middle point of the story is a bit unclear, besides her romance with Avery. She doesn't think too much about losing Rhys after the scene where he dies, and because she's lying low, or at least that's how it seems, she loses her agency a little. She is such a great protagonist to follow because her arc at the beginning is set up to be so clear, and it's made evident that she has to grow into accepting love. I liked seeing her learn more about the world beyond her tiny home.
Rhys:
To be honest, I thought he was the love interest at first! Maybe it's just because he was introduced before Avery, and I knew from Citlali's point of view that she didn't want to fall in love, so I was expecting her to cross paths with her love interest. He gets an excellent scene with Citlali when the two have to escape on the ship together, working together in harmony. After that, I feel like his character takes kind of a backseat as he gets less time with Citlali once Avery is introduced, and he feels sidelined due to it. I think that by the time his death scene happens, he and Citlali are assumed to be friends, and I would have agreed with that initially—I just think he had become less important after Avery entered the story, and then the events between him and Citlali seem a bit abrupt. His death scene was unexpected, though I'm not sure about the abruptness of it. I would give him more scenes with Citlali leading up to this crucial plot event and also have Citlali thinking about him more afterward, too.
Avery:
Avery is cocky, and he clearly has his walls up. I don't always agree with him and what he does. I'm not always sure if he loves Citlali, or just the concept of her. In the context of his role as a character, I think he exists to teach Citlali how to love and to show her that she does want to be married, and to be happy, but he makes me conflicted. On one hand, his actions are entirely awful by the end, and on the other, I can't imagine that the story can happen without him at all. I think it's interesting that he doesn't wind up with Citlali (and it's good that he doesn't, because they clearly would not work together), but I'm actually not sure what happens to him now. Does he go back to Marley? I think he's learned better, and being with Citlali taught him to deserve better too, but I'm not sure where he ends up.
Miscellaneous
Chapter titles: I loved them! I thought the Latin phrases and the meanings were so cool, and it's so neat that it connects to the story!
Writing and descriptions: I want to take a second to say that I adored the way your descriptions are given. The wording, the depth, and the scenes are all very well-crafted. There are many lines that I liked, and if I were reading this as a physical novel, I would have highlighted them. I particularly love these: "Besides, she had nowhere to run to and she couldn't run from herself" (chapter thirteen) and "the ones that felt like walking on a tightrope hundreds of feet in the air and trying not to look down" (chapter 29) and "His fragile soul made from the most precious glass was shattered" (chapter twenty-six). I'm sure I could find many, many examples of this wonderful breadth of emotional writing that uses such powerful verbs and language to craft single sentences that hit me. I can't express how much I liked reading these, and how much it's clear that a lot of work went into writing this, and how much I feel like I could learn about descriptions by reading a work like this.
Structure: As I will discuss below, I think some of your chapters are far too long, perhaps even so for traditional publishing. On a screen and on Wattpad, they would be much better off cut into shorter parts. Many of the chapters are longer than they need to be, followed by chapters that are much shorter, so it feels somewhat uneven. I never knew whether I was getting into a chapter that took me a few minutes or far longer, and that's something that throws off a reader quite a bit. Because the June and Aislynn chapters are so dense, and so long, I found myself getting lost probably easier than I would normally.
Here's my thought on this — within the context of what's being discussed and how it ties into the story, I think the June and Aislynn chapters should be weaved throughout, like interludes or within their own POV chapters, and I think Citlali should introduce them in her narration early on, probably much earlier than she does now. June and Aislynn have a pretty complex storyline happening, and they're essentially separate characters in their own right, so I think it's important that Citlali mentions she sees these people in her dreams early on, and that their relationship gets their own spotlight. These chapters are sometimes around 10k words, so I don't think it would be that different to split them up, then include one chapter of their story for every 5-10 chapters of normal Citlali POV, and build this subplot at a slower pace.
I think something similar about the first chapter — at first I thought perhaps it would be better as a prologue, but then I reread it and realized that it feels more like a chapter four or five. Chapter one, I feel, has too much happening, and by the time I understood the context the terms used there hadn't come up again until the June and Aislynn chapters, so I'd kind of forgotten them. The current chapter two should be your hook, as that drew me in, since it introduces the main character and pulls a reader to continue with the setting, and slowly builds to her crossing paths with the droid, which is your inciting incident.
World
I really like the world. As a reader, we learn along with Citlali, and I thought that was a great decision in order to slowly build the suspense with the droid and show the reader through her learning. The settings feel full and lush, and because the descriptions are so well-written, it's easy to picture. There were a few times I got a bit confused with all of the terms, but I think this is due to the structure of the story compounding a lot of information at once. I enjoyed this story, and I think the world building is a huge part of why: it's close enough to Earth that our current world still exists, but it's also somewhat far away, allowing a real creativity to shine through. Viderni, the first location of the story, is cold and brutal, a lot like Citlali, and as her world changes, she adapts along with it, and the colder weather becomes more unfamiliar to her. It's a great way to tie the world to the characters. I like how you created your own language just for Viderni, and I wish Citlali had used it more!
General Thoughts I Had While Reading
Chapter One:
I love your first line!
The set-up in this first paragraph is great. Everything flows nicely.
At first, I wondered why the narration says "great" after "superior" but that question is immediately answered. What a cool slogan. Makes me think that every high-ranking (perhaps rich?) person in society has become an Android.
I'm not sure what a rob job means. The term is explained to be an older one, but I'm not actually sure what it refers to. Although it might come up again later, I get the sense that this part is meant to explain what it means.
Personally, I think the beginning part of this chapter is excellent. The tension is immediately evident, and everything is set up very nicely. The introduction to Pierce places him in danger, and very quickly jumps into the action.
When the conversation between Pierce and the Great Leader begins, I think there's a bit too much exposition. A lot of terms are being used without much context, and I struggled a bit to follow what was happening. If two characters are discussing a plan in such great detail, I assume it's important to understand the inner workings—I can tell there's some secret plot happening here, but the specifics are a bit hazy. It feels like a bit too much at this point in the story.
Chapter Two:
Your first lines are excellent so far!
The coin she wears is such good world building. Very meaningful, both as a personal thing and as a cultural thing. You've used one of my favourite world building tricks: introduce something the character can interact with throughout the story that also ties into the world at large. Great stuff!
I like the introduction to Citlali here. I first get introduced to her normal life, followed by what she's missing (and what she hasn't yet realized she wants), and then what her ultimate goal is as a character. It's strong storytelling thus far.
Chapter Three:
Ooh, at first she haggles, then she decides against it. I like that. Her own motivations supersede the want to keep the droid at first, but not entirely.
Now I'm curious why the droid is there!
Chapter Four:
Ooh, so the droid is important!
This action is a great way to tie into Citlali's already established flying skills. As well, it allows her to get closer to what I know she wants as a character.
Such a cute interaction at the end between Citlali and Rhys.
Chapter Five:
Is this the villain, I wonder?
What a cool scene. Very tense.
Nice way to tie in these characters to Citlali and the droid!
Chapter Six:
The droid imitating the human thumbs up is so cute!
Why does Citlali want to go back? My guess right now would be because it's the only place she knows, but I'm curious to see what she answers or if she does. It seemed to me that she wanted to leave, since she wants to become a pilot, so maybe she's faced with this new reality and it's coming as a shock.
Woah, other people can take control of the ship? I wonder how that works, and if it's difficult to achieve.
The Great Republic must be pretty powerful if Rhys immediately becomes resigned to lose. Interesting.
Chapter Eight:
So realistic that Citlali doesn't know what a hippo is! And a great detail.
I actually think this story is third omniscient, rather than third limited now. The reason I thought it was third limited before was because the story usually seemed to focus on one person's perspective per chapter, but I'm not actually sure anymore, since Avery's thoughts are detailed along with Rhys' and the other characters at the same time. I get the sense that this is omniscient now because of the way the reader is being guided through the various perspectives, without keeping that focus on one in particular.
I think what I'm saying here is that I can't really tell whether the narration is hopping around as a way to do omniscient narration, or if it's third person limited that is slipping into other POVs a bit, which is what I initially thought. I think my concept changed here because of the way Avery's thoughts are given, followed by Citlali and then Rhys. The transition was good, and had me second-guessing whether I was actually mistaking head-hopping for a true omniscient POV. Ideally, in third omniscient, the 'perspective' is telling a story, through a certain lens, and sometimes becomes a character of their own right, which is why I think I got a bit caught up in thinking this was third person limited.
Anyway, all of this to say that I think if omniscient is the POV here all along, then the narration needs to lean into it a bit more, like how this chapter is conveying each perspective in a more straightforward, factual way, and gliding between the characters as the reader is situated within the scene.
In this chapter thus far, there is a seamless glide between Avery's thoughts, then Rhys: as we read his dialogue, then the narration slips into what he thinks, it works because it doesn't feel as abrupt. I didn't really notice we'd switched POV. So, essentially, if this is omniscient, then some tweaks here and there to "hand off" the perspective to another character are all that would be needed.
Some thoughts:
At the end of chapter six, this is kind of how I understood the situation: The Great Republic's ship has disabled Citlali's stolen one, and her and Rhys' plan is to put on the helmets and poison them in order to escape.
The following chapter begins with Avery, and I'm not sure if Rhys and Citlali are wearing helmets, but they don't seem to be. I'm also not sure if she managed to get the poison gas plan working, or if by the time Avery showed up, it still hadn't been unscrewed.
I also think Avery isn't part of the Republic, but in that case, is he flying a stolen Great Republic Ship, or is he just lying and double-crossing Citlali and Rhys so he can get the droid? As for the helmets and the gas—these two points could probably be clarified. As for Avery—I will see if this becomes more clear as I continue.
Chapter Nine:
So far, the scenes in this story are so detailed and lovely. I'm enjoying myself a lot while reading this.
Avery's making me giggle: "I hate that guy. I don't even know him, and I hate him." — love it!
I do wonder, though, if Avery is going to betray them. He seems a bit too... not good as in morally, but good as in convenient, to be true.
Chapter Ten:
Ooh, love triangle? I was thinking she'd be drawn to Rhys!
Chapter Eleven:
Ahhh nooo, they had better not get caught.
Chapter Twelve:
I actually do wonder what the Great Republic wants. Control? Power?
Dang, Rhys is right that somebody noticed them. What a perceptive guy.
WHATTTT??? Oh my gosh. Okay, not expecting Rhys to say that's even not his name!
I wonder: why can certain droids speak but others not? Are some more modern?
How does Citlali escape from Mughni? She is back with Avery after the scene break, but I think it might be interesting (if beneficial) to see her abandon and run, at which point then I could better understand the chain of events a little.
Chapter Fifteen:
Some thoughts:
I think the world-building and story here is a bit too dense. The combination of Citlali learning about her mother, the memory-visions (what I'm going to call Citlali seeing this character's life through a sort of psychic connection or supernatural force, just for the sake of brevity), then the scene with Rhys, followed by Citlali's reaction to what happens to him, and her and Vite joining the Renegades is becoming more like a whirlwind. Citlali starts the chapter with her emotions toward Rhys, but quickly abandons them because of the sheer amount of other plot beats that need to happen during this time, including some that make her generally seem like she's in a good mood again. This part of the story seems like it needs more space to breathe. It's very, very hard to balance all of this equally and to bring it all together—so I wonder whether all of it will continue to move at this pace, or whether some of these concepts will be dropped as I continue to read. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I think this is a lot to balance.
Also, about Citlali's visions-memories: how much time passed while she was having them? If I were Vite, if she was out for a significant period of time, I'd be worried she will have a memory-vision during a moment where she needs to be piloting. Or perhaps worried about brain damage. Either way, if it's only been a second, versus multiple minutes, that changes things a little and might be worthwhile to make clear.
As well, her knowledge on what to do has generally been ascribed to her intelligence, so I'm not sure why this time it comes from the memory-vision of Aislynn. The answer here is given to her, rather than her having to work it out.
Chapter Sixteen:
What does the ceremony look like?
The plot speeds up considerably here, so I wonder what's going to happen now.
Chapter Seventeen:
Given chapter sixteen describes Avery and Citlali more like siblings — they acted like siblings around the base — this one kind of caught me off guard.
Chapter Eighteen:
I'm glad Avery is opening up. I was kind of curious why he seemed so guarded. I'm still not sure how I feel about him, but I do like that he's telling Citlali about his past more.
They're taking the very highly important droid out? The one that everyone wants? This could go badly.
Was the pledge detail mentioned before? I don't think it was. It might be cool if it were, so the reader knows why Avery is so stressed, but Citlali doesn't.
Chapter Twenty-Five:
Wow, so many emotions! It hits hard.
I wonder: what has changed since Citlali and Avery are no longer Renegade members? They still stay in the same place, and I'm not sure what their responsibilities were before. It feels like it's been a while since she has done any piloting.
Chapter Twenty-Nine:
Ah, okay, we get to talking about the saber again! I was wondering what happened to that. I also wonder whether it would be worthwhile to drop more of these dreams/visions.
Chapter Thirty-Two:
I wonder why we learn what the droid is carrying now. Was it just a matter of the timer, or could Citlali have accessed this, and she didn't know how?
Chapter Thirty-Four:
She remembers how to heal so fast.
Chapter Thirty-Six.
I find it interesting that everything is explained here, as like a monologue, as Citlali remembers some of it but I haven't really caught up as a reader to fully understand what's happening.
I think this goes with what I was saying above about integrating the dreams with the story throughout. By the time I learned about June and Aislynn, it was pretty late in the story, and a lot of their scenes have a lot of information to digest.
Chapter Forty-Two:
Where is Avery during all of this, and the droid?
Chapter Forty-Four:
Some beautiful lines here at the end!
Where is home for Citlali anymore?
Other thoughts for your consideration
These are suggestions for grammar/phrasing/other tidbits that I picked up on, not related to the story itself.
Chapter One:
Minor — the paragraph starting with androids and drones has a few passive verbs. I know these are to establish some backstory, so it might be a bit hard to rework some of these. The only reason I noticed is because Sometimes were is followed by were socially awkward, so it stands out just a little. The structure of one of these sentences could probably be shifted just a little, or perhaps even combined into one. Something like: Sometimes, they were charming and self-assured, while other times, they made bad, socially awkward jokes.
When Pierce approaches the receptionist, he seems adamant to get what he wants. Then, when he's asked to put his hands up, he relents pretty easily. I assume this is because if he disobeyed, he'd probably be killed (or worse). However, I think it would be beneficial to have him think about this fact, so that his immediate surrender makes sense, and doesn't seem like such a fast shift in his personality. What I'm saying here is that I get the sense he's probably defiant, but maybe scared too, so placing some internal dialogue after "Pierce did as he was told," may help clarify. It can be brief; a single sentence even, that makes this reaction clear. Pierce did as he was told plus, and if he didn't, he would (consequence).
Chapter Two:
In the sentence avoiding sharp structures and threatening gaps in the wall, I think this could be a bit more dramatic, for the sake of conveying the point more overtly. In an otherwise very strong paragraph, it feels a bit too much like telling than showing. Why not have the structures be like knives? Why not have the gaps in the wall so large that they look like craters? In the same amount of time this description takes, I think you could make this one even more hooking.
In the sentence, All part and parcel of trying to... I think you could do with cutting as harsh and unforgiving at the end. The sentence feels like it has a great character voice, and without it, I still get the same idea: trying to survive on the backwater island (of) Viderni.
The reason for this is because I think you've conveyed the harshness of this location, even without that part, so you'd save yourself a couple of words too, as the meaning of the sentence stays mostly the same even without it.
Action tags:
When writing action beats, such as laughing, these take periods (instead of commas), as they don't continue the sentence the way a dialogue tag (such as asks, replies, says, etc.), would. So, in this sentence:
"No way," she laughed -> laughing is an action, so because it does not describe the manner in which the character is speaking her words, it begins a new sentence. Thus, it takes a period. So, this becomes, "No way." She laughed.
Minor — the sentence beginning with the woman tripped me up just a little. Since the woman is referred to as the mother at first, maybe the sentences could be connected somehow, so the connection is a bit more overt.
Consider maybe, Citlali led Otta's gaze over to a mother at the edge of the tent, who was...
Minor — Prefer "at once" or "as quickly as a flash of lighting" or other similar terms to "suddenly," which cues a reader to something happening before it does and gives the surprise away a little.
Chapter Three:
Near the end, "Mughni watched" and the following paragraphs until the last chapter line seem to be a tiny slip in POV. I'd assumed we were following Citlali's thoughts alone (third person limited), since she's the only character whose inner thoughts are detailed.
This is a pretty easy fix though, because I think a scene break would clarify things, or alternatively Citlali could find out later what he said.
Chapter Four:
At the start of this chapter, the dialogue tags used thus far are noticeable: she shot back... he agreed... she spat...
I think you could do with removing a few of these. Your dialogue stands very well on its own, and often doesn't need the extra emphasis of these unique dialogue tags. Consider replacing a couple, perhaps?
I think this section is from the man's POV, though the narration calling Citlali by her name sometimes and other times as 'the girl' is confusing me just a tad.
Chapter Five:
The phrasing of the sentence It was a view intended to... is a bit awkward. I get what it means, but I tripped up a bit while trying to understand it. The view is of space outside and not monitors, so I think maybe after the comma, perhaps hence the window could become something like instead of a visual pickup or a monitor...
He had been trained in contemplation, was skilled in deliberation — This, in my opinion, is telling a bit too much. The sentence about him losing his patience that comes afterward is excellent, so I think this is something that could be shown by briefly detailing the position he's in, what kinds of meditation he's trying to do, before saying the sentence about him losing his patience. The rest can probably be understood later.
The approaching from behind paragraph switches the POV from Nion to Ilian, since we go from Nion's thoughts to Ilona's perspective. I would suggest keeping it consistent here.
He spoke calmly, as if his mad, destructive rampage — I think you could axe 'calmly' here, as the rest the sentence explains the sentiment fine without it.
Chapter Six:
Rhys lost it — I would suggest something maybe like "Rhys' tone grew louder/more urgent" perhaps.
Chapter Seven:
Citlali observed — to make this more flush with the following statement, I think it would be kind of cute if it was presented in a similar way, so, Observation one: The man must have been (...) Observation two: he was the (...)
Chapter Eight:
There are places here and there where you can cut some adverbs. For example: Avery replied curtly and Rhys and Citlali nodded swiftly. Both of these would be a bit stronger if they were removed. As a reader, I can infer someone is doing the actions immediately as they usually follow a sequence.
He gestured for them to go down in — 'down' could be removed here for a smoother read.
Chapter Nine:
Surviving as a scavenger ensured — I think you could remove this sentence, as it tells the reader something we already know.
"RHYS!" Citlali cried — This is more a personal preference. However, I usually recommend removing capitalization from a novel since the dialogue tag "cried" and the exclamation point already tell us the same thing that the capitalization does.
There's the slight repetition of "breathe" with the dialogue tag "Thank you," she breathed followed by It's okay. Just breathe in the following dialogue spoken by Rhys. I think you could replace "she breathed" with "whispered" perhaps, and keep generally the same meaning with it.
At the midpoint of this chapter, I picked up on the paragraphs which all seem to start with 'introduction' + 'comma' -> Demonstrating unexpected determination in the face of hippo inspired chaos, ... Having come this far, ... Screeching a blood-chilling war cry, ... With the gang's blasts detected, ... While I like these sentences, especially the visceral description of 'blood-chilling,' I think the structure could probably vary a bit here, so that these paragraphs read smoothly. This would mean just to move the subject further towards the beginning for one of these paragraphs, breaking it up. My suggestion would be the 'having come this far' beginning, as I think once that one is restructured into two separate sentences, the rest will mostly blend in, so -> Avery was not about to be denied. (Not after) having come this far.
Chapter Twelve:
Rhys wavered — I'm not sure about this phrasing. I get what it means and that he's second-guessing himself here, though I wonder if Rhys' confidence wavered would make more sense in this case.
Rhys' explanation: while I like that it's given to the reader through dialogue, his speech goes on for quite a while. It makes it easy to glaze over. Consider maybe breaking it up by having Citlali ask him a few questions to prompt him to continue?
His breath was a suitably aromatic match for his appearance — I think this would make a bit more sense if preceded by a descriptor: His breath stank [if you wanted, this could go even further in specificity, by saying what it compares to, like cigarettes, but it might not be ultimately necessary], a suitably aromatic match for his appearance.
Retreated into a fighting stance — though this means Mughni physically moves backward in space, 'retreated' and 'fighting' seem to be an opposition. One makes a reader think of backing off and surrender and the other of the desire to fight. I'd suggest 'moved into' or similar phrasing.
In the sentence, He had the kind of face that that stopped you in your tracks, consider replacing 'you' with another, more specific, subject. The you calls into question who Citlali is referring to, and makes me think she's talking about someone other than herself.
While this chapter is great, I'd say it's too long. I would suggest breaking it up right as Citlali touches the saber, at which point it may be easier to present the rest in parts (chapter 12.1, 12.2, etc), for a smoother reading experience.
Chapter Sixteen:
Word building thoughts — There are a lot of terms starting with "R" that I'm starting to get a bit lost. The Great Republic (enemies), Renegades, and the Resistance (the rebellion of sorts). Are the Renegades members of the Resistance? I get why the contrast of calling them something similar exists, but it does make me have to reread sections because I keep accidentally mixing them up.
Chapter Eighteen:
Om nodded to him and entered her cottage — I think this sentence should be on its own paragraph, since the line of dialogue refers to Avery speaking.
Blanketing the sky was a gray arrowhead (...) Its belly hanger bay was launching: These two descriptions could be tweaked a bit remove some passive voice, so -> A gray arrowhead blanketed the sky. Its belly hanger launched.
But he pushed through — This could probably be removed, since "Avery ignored his injury" tells the reader mostly the same information. I'm also not sure about the immediate impact of saying his injuries don't matter, especially since the scene is so tense otherwise.
Maybe, in order to keep the general idea of Avery trying to help Citlali (while being injured and having to deal with it), this description may include something like Avery gritted his teeth and picked Citlali up (...) His throat was dry and he struggled to breathe. A surge of [adrenaline, perhaps?], coursed through him.
This way, the reader still gets the same idea that he's injured, without saying that his injuries aren't important (since if he can push through, then it hinders the tension just a little).
Chapter Twenty-Eight:
he whispered as Marley leaned down (...) as hers — There's a tiny bit of repetition here that could probably be eliminated by breaking this into two sentences. 'He whispered. Marley leaned down and...'
Since most of the dialogue happening here is between two people, I feel like a lot of the dialogue tags could be removed, especially when a lot of them are doubling up with actions: she breathed and looked at her... she gasped and grabbed... etc. Because the action shows us who is speaking, the action tag can sometimes stand on its own, so it saves you a few words and allows you to balance between saying 'he said' and eliminating the dialogue tag in the reply since the first speaker has been established.
Chapter Forty-Three:
There are a lot of terms being used here, and like my thoughts from around the middle section of the story, I wonder why the visions/dreams Citlali is having are not detailed throughout. The story here has enough to follow June and Aislynn in an alternating POV, even.
The name switch happening here where the narration transfers from Citlali to her new name is a bit abrupt, I think.
Concluding Thoughts
First and foremost, thank you for being so understanding at the length of time that it took for me to complete this review. This is the first time I've ever reviewed a work in its entirety like this, and while it did take a lot of effort, I feel like I chose a great story to do this with. I didn't have a lot to suggest, writing-wise, that wasn't either mostly subjective or something that couldn't be easily fixed. Your writing is so polished, and I commend you for all of the effort that I can tell went into its creation. Most of my suggestions were based on dialogue tags, POV slips and confusion about whether this was written in third person limited or third person omniscient, and some more general and specific examples where I felt like you could make minor tweaks to improve your readability. You have a solid story on your hands, and I appreciated reading it. Your use of descriptive language is evocative and the verbiage is emotional, conveying the setting in a way that springs to life. As well, I liked Citlali's character and the portrayal of Viderni at the beginning of the story. I can tell a lot of passion went into this, and I think that all that's needed at this stage is to remember that your readers don't always have the same amount of knowledge about your story as you. This world, to its writer, is as real as anything—to its reader, it's new and unfamiliar. So, by guiding a reader more slowly, readers can become immersed more deeply and be ready to come along for the ride. I also think that the length of your chapters might be a hindrance for some readers like me, who are on a smaller phone screen. Chapter lengths closer to 2000-3000 words would probably be more beneficial for you, as the genre permits a longer than usual length for Wattpad, and I think the majority of your chapters are closer to this range anyway. By making them more even, a reader knows exactly what they're getting into, and they can jump back into this story without having to set it down halfway through an important scene.
You've got a story worth being proud of here! Thank you for letting me review it!
I hope my thoughts are (somewhat) helpful to you.
Let me know what you think (: