"I can't do this," my stomach is turning and the only thing keeping me from throwing up is his presence.
Erik laces his fingers through mine. "I'll be right here the whole time."
I nod, because if I spoke I'm pretty sure I would hurdle.
"Mama, Papa!" Erik calls. "Nicky wants to talk to us."
I squeeze his hands as my stomach turns even more. This is crazy. What am I doing? I went from never making decisions for myself to this? This is crazy.
Liesel and Peter come out of the family room and immediately see Erik and I'd joined hands.
Peter beams. "I called it! I told you, didn't I, Liesel?" He sonnets over to me and gives me a big, fatherly hug. "You are gonna be my favorite of all the boyfriends."
His words move me to tears. "Thanks, but-" I take a breath, "that's not what I wanted to talk about."
Peter lets go of me and him and Mrs. Klose share similar looks of confusion.
"Then what is it, Sweety?" Mrs. Klose asks, taking her husband's hand in a way very similar to the way Erik has gripped my hand.
Erik squeezes my hand.
"I need to ask a favor of you two. A really big favor."
Peter nods, eager. "Whatever it is, ask."
I swallow. "I can't go home. I really tried to convince myself I could- but I just can't. Not for a whole other semester, I just- I hate it there." My voice cracks and I wish the Kloses could go one month without seeing me completely lose it. "I'll go back for Christmas because I owe them that-"
"Debatable," Erik mumbles.
"-but I honestly don't think I can survive any longer than that. I've been really happy this past month, really happy. I haven't felt this loved or supported since...well I don't really know how long. But my parents, my entire family, the don't... it wouldn't be the same. And I can honestly say that I care enough to not do that to myself. I know I don't deserve that. You three taught me that.
"So I guess what I'm asking, if it's not too much for you, is if you would board me for the rest of my high school year. I'm not even sure if I can- I need to call my school and make sure everything would transfer- but I want to. If you'll have me of course."
I take a shake breath, I didn't release how long I'd been rambling.
Liesel and Peter share a look and I hold my breath. Erik squeezes my hand, I squeeze back.
"It's not entirely up to us." Liesel says slowly. "We can't sign off on it, your parents have to. But we Weill say whatever we need to to get them to let you stay."
My heart starts to quicken.
"He can stay?" Erik asks, fighting down a smile incase it's premature.
"Of course he can stay, Erik." Mrs. Klose says. "He's family."
I let out the breath I was holding and tears come with it. Erik lets out a giddy little laugh and throws his arms around me. I hug him back.
I'm safe.
"You can stay." He whispered in my ear. "You can stay."
I squeeze him hard, then look at Liesel and Peter. "Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me. I will never be able to repay all you have done for me."
"You don't need to." Peter says. "That smile is enough."
I run to them and throw my arms around them like a little kid who found their parents after a brief scare in the grocery store. "I'm still gonna try to find a way."
They both hug me back. "Honestly," Liesel says, "you staying would be a pretty amazing gift in itself."
"So all Nicky has to do is call his parents and ask them to stay, right?" Erik asks.
Liesel and Peter stop hugging me, but Liesel leaves an arm wrapped around my shoulders. "And his school board, but yes."
Erik nods. "Okay then, should be easy."
"Yeah," I say, wishing I had his same level of confidence. "Should be easy. They have an event at church tonight, so I'll call them tomorrow."
"Which means tonight, we celebrate." Liesel starts to wonder around the kitchen.
"That's a little premature, Mama, don't you think?"
"Nonsense," Liesel says. "I have a good feeling about this.
*+*
"You don't deserve to stay in Germany!" My mom yells.
"Yes, I do." I say back
"No, you don't!"
"We're your family." My father looks heartbroken. "Don't you want to try to fix this?"
"I have tried."
"No, you haven't."
"I have." Haven't I?
I wake up.
I look at my clock. 6:21am. And on a weekend; criminal.
I lay back down in bed for a few minutes, twisting and turning in attempts to get some more sleep, but after fifteen minutes I accept my defeat and stumble downstairs.
Liesel and Peter are still fast asleep in their room so I try to be as quiet as possible as I fumble around the kitchen trying to make a cup of coffee.
I rub a hand over my face as the coffee brews. Was I being too quick? Should I give my parents another chance, standing firm this time? Would they learn? Would they look at me the same way they used to?
A hand wraps around my naked torso and before I can flinch a chin has tucked itself over my shoulder and hair is tickling my ear.
"Why are you up so early?" Erik mumbles, sleepily.
"You scared the shit out of me." I whisper.
Erik laughs and it shakes my body too. "I know, I can feel your heart racing." One of his big hands is placed perfectly on my sternum, right above my heart.
I put my hand on top of his, then weave our fingers together. I've done this dance so many times before with so many girls, but it's never meant anything before. I've never done it because I wanted to. I've always done it because I was supposed to. This feel so different, so natural. I don't have t think. I don't have to plan. My body just knows what to do, what it wants, and I let it do it.
I take his hand off my heart and bring it up to my face, kissing his palm. "Morning."
He kisses my neck, just under my chin. "Morning."
I take a breath, enjoying it, wondering how I could ever think I could go my whole life without this. How I got so lucky to meet someone like Erik.
"Are you making coffee?"
"It's too early to be up right now."
"Then go back to sleep."
"Can't," I huff and he unwraps his arms from around me. "Nightmare."
"Ah," Erik rests his back on the counter next to me and hands me my coffee. "You want to talk about it?"
"Am I being too brash?" I look down at the dark pit of coffee in my hands. "Should I give my parents another chance?"
"You mean come out to them again?"
"Yeah, but fight this time." I look up at him. "Tell them that this is what I am and I'm okay with it and I want them to be too."
Erik looks down at the ground, thinking. "You know how I think about them."
"You've never met them."
"I know."
I hesitate, then add, "but you could."
He looks at me, brow furrowed.
"I know airfare isn't free- and it would probably be absolutely miserable for you- but it would just about save my life if you came home with me for Christmas." I rush it out as fast as I can. I know it's stupid. Erik has his own family and they would want to have Christmas among themselves, but he would make the holidays so much more survivable. And no, I would've be ready to introduce him as my boyfriend, I couldn't do that to him, so it would be a week or so of sneaking around and lying and not being able to hold each other like we just did, but it would be a week of doing it together and that is so much netter than a week of doing it alone. At least for me.
"You want me to come to America for Christmas?" Erik looks dumbfounded.
"Not just you- if you don't want to be away from your family. Your parents could come too. That way we could all be together."
Erik nods slowly, looking down again. "I'll have to talk to them about it."
I put a hand on his arm. "If you don't want to, you shouldn't. I don't want to sound like an asshole, but I won't tell them about us. It would demolish my chances of coming back here and probably put you and your parents in a very bad position. But I would like to spend the holiday with you. Or at least some of it."
He swallows. "I need to think about it."
I nod. "That's good enough for me, and if that's all it ever is, that's good enough for me too. I mean it."
He smiles. "You're easy to please."
"It's you." I say, because that really is the only think I can think to say.
He smiles more.
We stand in silence for another moment. I sip my coffee looking out the window in the kitchen. Erik fiddling with the hand I put on his bicep.
"I wanted to talk about some stuff." Erik says finally.
"What stuff?" I turn and rest my hip on the counter.
"Us."
"Okay," I put my mug down, "shoot."
"How do you want to handle it? You've only come out to me and my family. If we're at school should I not.... And around the team, do I tell them we're still friends? And if we're at the mall or something- where no one knows us- what do we do?"
I watch him trace design in my palm, it feels amazing. "I don't need to do the whole coming out thing. It doesn't usually work out for me anyway. If we're in public, like walking to the store or something, then I don't really care. I'll probably never see most of these people again." I shrug. "Just maybe nothing too affectionate."
"What? I can't bend you back and have my way you on public transport?"
I laugh, my face reddening. "Definitely not- well, maybe one day. And as for the team... I mean I haven't said anything to them yet, but that's not because I didn't want to. It was just because I had you and I didn't really care if they knew."
Erik smiles. "And now?"
"We're seeing the seniors tonight, let's go together."
"Together, together?"
"Together, together."
Erik laughs. "Fynn and Ida are gonna make so much fun of me."
I laugh too. "I can't wait to hear it."
Erik scoffs. "I thought you were supposed to be my geliebte."
I raise an eyebrow. "Your what?"
Erik blushes, it's cuter than I thought it would be. "My geliebte. Or... are we not there yet?"
I shake my head. "No, I... I don't know what you're saying."
He stares at me, appalled. "No one ever taught you geliebte?"
"I guess not."
"It means..." He thinks for a moment before switching to English. "Lover," he goes back to German. "That would be the translation I would use."
"Geliebte," I try the word on my tongue. I love learning new German words. It's amazing how fluent I've become since living here, but every couple weeks a new word would sneak up on me still. "I love it."
"Well, lover, what do out want for breakfast? Eggs or pancakes?"
I think. "Pancakes, and a kiss." I move so my arms are on either side of his waist, holding him in place against the counter.
"Starting with dessert I see." Erik tilts his head down to mine. "I guess I'll allow it."
They're together, together.
-RW