I walked through the door of the house, slamming it behind me; paying no mind to Harry chasing after me, pleading softly for me to slow down and talk to him. My heart hammered in my chest, in a way that I hadn't felt in some time. Many things occurred, but this particular one made my stomach sick and felt heavy.
"Anna." Harry's heavy breath followed after as the door shut behind him, "Anna wait."
The last time I had seen Zayn, it was a disaster. Would that truly be the last time that I ever see him? The thought made my stomach roll. I swallowed the bile in my throat as I went into the kitchen to find the nearest bottle of wine to curve my nerves.
Harry bickered behind me, keeping a distance in the entryway of the kitchen as I shakily poured myself a glass of wine; halfway giving up and bringing the bottle to my lips and taking a good few gulps. It only made my stomach burn and my skin heat.
"Anna, please listen to me." Harry said again, pleading, tiredly, voice broken.
"No," I said shakily, pinching my eyes shut before turning to face Harry with fury, "No, you listen to me," I hissed, slamming the bottle of wine onto the counter, "You do not understand what it is like–," I started, swallowing my words as I tried to choose them carefully, "Nathan and Michael are dead. It's almost been a year since they died and now Zayn?" My voice cracked, tears brimming my eyes.
Harry frowned, fists clenched by his side as his eyes searched me.
"You may have not made him go into the cult, but you didn't even try to stop him," I sniffled, holding back a broken sob that rocked my chest, "No matter what feud was between the two of you, he is my best friend. He has been my best friend since I was little. I cannot believe that..."
"I tried," Harry interjected lightly, walking towards the island as he leaned his elbows against the surface, "I tried to stop him. I am not some sort of monster, not like you think I am."
"I don't think you to be a monster," I shook out, narrowing my eyes, "I think you to be stupid in the decisions you make and you've kept this from me for so fucking long," I wiped my eyes desperately, pacing the room, "No wonder why he never answered my calls, my texts, I–,"
I held my breath, stopping in my tracks. Harry's face fell as the confession slipped from my lips. He squinted his brows, rising from his elbows as he rounded the island.
"When..." Harry's voice failed him, "When did this happen?"
I knew the night, and I think in some ways, Harry did too. When things got so bad between us that I locked myself in the bathroom and called Zayn, only for his phone to go to voicemail. Texted him, only for him to ignore me. Zayn was right, and he would always be right, that I only came to him when the sky was falling and never anything after.
I hated that he was right. I hated that in some way, I always tried to push my feelings onto people that may not be able to bare the burden of those worries. Zayn had enough, and I knew that, and it killed me. It killed me that I was lady in distress, that I was Rapunzel desperately wanting to be saved.
I hated it all.
"Some time ago," I whispered, "Does it matter now?"
"I guess it doesn't," Harry quipped, voice tight, "But I tried to stop him. He wanted to go–he wanted to help."
"I can't bear the thought of him being..." My voice broke, tears blurring my vision once more, "I can't. Harry, I can't lose another friend."
The group was falling apart. One by one, I was digging their graves. Zayn and Gracie were the only two left and if anything were to happen to them, I'd go crazy. It would be the last straw for me and I would surely find myself wanting to go with them– no matter the relationships that I'd made lately.
Losing Nathan and Michael was hard enough.
If I lost the other two...
"I am so...so sorry, Anna," Harry said desperately, brows furrowed in pure sympathy and I believed him when he said it, but I still....I still couldn't wrap my head around why he would want to be apart of this.
"Why?" I said, not looking at Harry, "Why did he want to go? Did he give an explanation?"
Harry swallowed, "He loves you. More than just a friend, but we both know that. If it helps you, then he was willing to do it. He was willing to protect you," He neared me, still keeping a distance, but much closer than before; "He wanted to protect you as much as we do, and I refused. For the longest time I had refused it until it was getting too close for time. So I..." He swallowed, shifting on his feet, "I let him. I let him...go."
"This is bullshit," I whispered, clenching my fists together, "This is fucking bullshit."
Harry's brow lifted, parting his lips to say something before I quickly said,
"Everyone around me has died because of me," I said through gritted teeth, trying to catch the sob in the back of my throat, "Trying to protect me as if I am some injured creature. As if I am some child and I wish for one second..." I swallowed hard, "I wish that people would just...stop."
Harry fell quiet, not saying anything as I straightened my posture. Two sips from the wine, I didn't feel much of anything. I grabbed my coat from the chair, leaving the kitchen and Harry behind.
"Where are you going?"
"Out," I grabbed my car keys, "For some air. Fresh air. Without you. Without anyone."
"Anna, please," Harry grabbed my wrist softly, and I turned to look at him with softened eyes, "Please, don't go."
As much as I wanted to stay, I needed to go. Needed to think. Even if his eyes had glossed over and his nose grew cherry red from the emotion he too held back. I couldn't stay. I couldn't be strong for the two of us, not now.
"I'll be back," I whispered, "I'm sorry."
My hand slipped from his as I left the house, and he stayed where I'd left him. I got into the car, not thinking another thought as I left the driveway, the engine roaring, and headed into town. I didn't know where I was going, maybe perhaps drive around for some time until I calmed my mind. Maybe sit at a park and watch the ducks and their babies flood the pond; it was that time of the year, anyway.
I roared past the trees, glancing at the pink and green, mixed with blues and purples on the trees. The bushes. Spring time was in full bloom, and the colors were showing nicely for it. I rolled the windows down and let my hair fly with the wind, and took away any kind of hearing. The wind rolled through my hair, through my arms, and through my ears.
For a moment, a sliver, I felt okay. Then I thought of Zayn and it hit me again. I wasn't angry at Harry, nor was I angry at Zayn. Truth be told, I wasn't angry at anyone. Truth be told, I was angry that somehow in the shit storm that had happened, everyone seemed to get swept away by the tornado and left to fend for themselves.
I was mad that people felt so powerless that they used religion to control people. I felt mad that my family, my friends, and the families I grew up with in church were slowly losing their minds and being taken advantage of.
And I was angry that I had sat on the sidelines for so long.
Selfishly.
Letting others be swept away while I begged for a normal life, something that is a privilege to have. It is a privilege for me to cry in my warm bed, in my warm house, in my warm blankets, about wanting all of this to go away. While others were being hurt, I turned the other cheek and wanted to forget about it all.
And I did. For the longest time, I did forget about it. But there is only so much I could forget before the trauma reared its head around the corner and showed its ugly little head. Maybe I had some sort of survivor's guilt, that was eating me up knowing that I made it out and others didn't. I wanted to forget about it all so badly that I was willing to turn my head to the people that I claimed I wanted to help.
And then I realized...
I am a fucking coward.
I didn't know how I ended up here, maybe my brain made the turns for me. As I sat in the car, I stared up at the Cafe where the other survivors were given a chance. I turned the car off, threw the keys into my coat pocket and got out of the car. I didn't think anything else as I walked into the cafe, more so forcing myself.
When I walked through the doors, immediate chatter filled my ears. Tables were full of families, or couples, and the staff bustled around to take care of each customer. I was frozen, and I think some people lingered their stares a little too long as I watched some of the staff.
I recognized some of these people. Only some. Mainly from the other warehouse where we had first put them. The last time I'd seen their faces they were sick from withdrawal, some even losing the color in their olive toned skin. Some threw up from how sick they were. Others were lucky. But these faces...
They smiled.
Something I hadn't witnessed in a very long time, but they smiled. They smiled as they rang in orders, they smiled as they dropped plates off at tables, and they smiled as they talked to the customers. And I felt like dirt. Comparing myself to them, wondering why they smiled so easily while I had to force it. Wondering if they had the same nightmares as I, maybe they hid it easily, maybe they were just purely grateful to be able to smile. To be able to be here, with us, with everyone.
"Anna?"
My head turned, seeing Gracie wiping her hands off with a towel as she walked towards me.
"Gracie, hey," I sighed, forcing a smile.
"What're you doing here?" Gracie seemed confused, "Is there something wrong?"
"Well, I..." I swallowed, rolling my shoulders back as I took a step towards her, "I just wanted to visit. Coffee sounded good and I...wanted to stop by."
Gracie's smile faltered, she could see the distress in my eyes. But she didn't comment on it. She only nodded her head, gesturing to me to sit at the bar.
"We have the best coffee," She said as I sat down, "And I'm not just biased. Our frappes are fucking incredible."
"I'll take a mocha then," I smiled softly, tilting my head to the side as I watched the tables start to clear out, "Are you guys usually this busy?"
"The cafe has been a great success," Gracie said over the loud chatter while she made my coffee, "We are even busier than this on Sundays."
I picked at my nails. The staff cleaned up the tables, the noise eventually calming down, and Gracie sitting my mocha frappe in front of me. I took it, sipping it lightly, the creaminess of the shake-like coffee made my tastebuds happy. It was sweet, and Gracie was right that it was one of the best.
"Wow," I hummed, "This is good. Thank you. How much is it?"
"Don't worry about it, it's on me," Gracie winked softly, "I have to clean up in the back, but if you need anything just call for me."
I nodded, watching more people leave the restaurant. The Cafe fell silent, and suddenly it was just me and the man that stood up front. I stirred my drink and sipped on it until the bubbles at the bottom of the glass made a loud slurping sound.
Pushing the coffee to the side, I felt my phone buzz, but ignored it. Knowing that it was Harry who was texting me, probably begging me to come back home, but I couldn't. Time was what I needed, even if it was an hour, just to calm myself down.
"Are you done with that cup–,"
My eyes lifted from the table, setting eyes on the girl that I'd abandoned months ago. My breath caught in my throat, the urge to immediately stand to hug her. But I forced myself to sit. Forced myself to sit because after everything, I shattered the promise that I had made to her. I didn't deserve to even feel a pinch of excitement that boiled inside of me, to see that she was okay. That she made it.
"Katerina?" I sunk back, trying to keep my eyes from being too wide.
"Anna?"
Firstly she tilted her head, as if I was some long lost stranger and she was taking in all my features as if I'd aged any. Then, the frown on her face lifted upwards into a bright smile as she took a step towards the bar, yet still behind it.
"Katerina, I..." Her form had filled out, she looked much healthier than I'd last seen her. Happier. Skin much brighter, a genuine smile, and music playing in one of her ear buds, "I'm so sorry."
It was all I could think to say at that moment.
"You're sorry for...?" Her pearly white smile faltered, confusion spread across her face.
"I don't..." I cleared my throat, "I don't know, I'm just...I'm so happy to see you, how are you?"
Katerina chuckled, nodding her head, "Better as you can see."
"And your family?" I asked softly, unable to stop the smile from spreading on my lips.
"They have their days, but," She shrugged as she took my empty cup, placing it into the sink behind her, "We are okay, you know?"
I blinked away the tears in my eyes as I nodded softly.
"I'm so happy to hear that," I voiced, folding my hands together as silence befell us, and then I spoke again, "I'm sorry for not coming to see you again like I promised," I couldn't seem to look her in the eyes when I said it– she was a teenager, what shame must I have in ghosting her? But I did.
Katerina started to wipe down the counter in front of me, silent. I couldn't read her face, I didn't know if she recalled the times that maybe she waited for me to come back, or if she really didn't care. Someone like her didn't deserve to go through what she went through– nobody deserved that.
"It's okay," She finally said as she tried to make herself look busy, "You went through what we did too, you know? You had some healing to do just as much as we did."
Guilt weighed heavy on my chest.
"No," I shook my head, "Not as much."
"It's not a competition, you know?" Katerina laughed softly, a hint of sarcasm in her voice, "Some of them were lucky enough not to remember what they had gone through. People like us have to live through it..." She fell silent, slowing the circling patterns of her wiping, "Sometimes I wished that I was one of those who could forget it. What I saw there."
The first immediate thought was Harry's mom. I may not have known her for long, but I'd see how she was. The look behind her eyes...well, they were...they were dead. Even in her most peaceful states, she still seemed so dead on the inside. I didn't know if the people were lucky enough to end up like Jackie. Truthfully, I'd only feel much worse for those who did.
"You don't want to be like them," I concluded softly, "Dead on the inside. Not knowing a moment of peace," I said quietly as my gaze shifted to the window–it was sunny outside, beautiful, weird to be speaking of such a thing on such a pretty day–yet we were, "Because even if there is not a single thought behind their eyes, there is war in their mind. A bomb that would soon set off, I've seen it happen before."
"You have?" She asked quietly, glancing towards one of the staff members that seemed to make their way towards us. Katerina paused, as did I, and waited for them to disappear to the back of the house, "Who?" She met my gaze.
"Jackie. Harry's...mom," I said softly, searching her features, "She's passed away now. Some time ago."
"Oh," Her face fell, "I'm...sorry."
"She's at peace now," I offered a reassuring smile, patting her arm lightly, "But it's okay, really."
"I remember Jackie," Katerina frowned, "People knew that there wasn't something...right with her. There were a lot of people there that weren't right, but I think people noticed she hadn't been right longer than them."
"Jackie has been..." I trailed off, chewing my lip as I glanced towards one of the workers who were passing by, "Through a lot. Even before Angela."
Katerina sighed, wiping imaginary dust from the countertops, "That's sad," She offered, "And I'm very grateful that me and my family were able to recover from what happened back then."
"You should be grateful," I offered a sad smile, "Be grateful for everything you have now."
Katerina fell silent with a matched smile, her head tilting to the side.
"I should get back to work now," She said softly, "Dinner rush is a bitch and I have to finish the dishes before then. It was...really nice seeing you again, Anna."
"It was nice seeing you too, Katerina. I promise I'll..." My voice died in my throat, her head shifting upwards at the familiar words once broken before, "I will try my best to come by more often," I corrected.
"That sounds great," Katerina smiled, "I'll see you then."
Soon enough I was left alone in the diner, no bill to pay thanks to Gracie for my free drink. After a few moments of sitting with myself, I left the diner. I'd be lying if I said that seeing Katerina didn't bring up some old feelings, unpleasant memories, but it was needed. I felt like I needed to see her.
I needed to apologize, and maybe not stop there either. I wanted to apologize to Zayn for not being a good friend to him, for taking him for granted, for taking advantage of his kindness. I hoped silently that it wasn't too late; that he was alive and I would soon be able to hold him and tell him how truly sorry I am about everything.
The train of thought stopped when I arrived back home, unable to think about Zayn any longer, and more so think about the man inside of the house. As I walked up the steps of the porch, the door slung open wildly and Harry stood there with wide, sunken and sad eyes. Green orbs dropped in fear, in sadness, for which I couldn't tell if he was scared for me, or scared of what happened to me while I was away. Either way, I stayed still like a statue.
"I want to say–,"
Before he could say anything, my lips were against his. Because it didn't matter anymore, and soon enough all of this would be over. The lies, the betrayal, and one day I could positively live with Harry. In a world that we create in our own bubble, where we make our own rules, and where we fend off any sort of trouble.
I kissed him hard, he was shocked, nonetheless. But still, he kissed me back with force, hands wrapped around my jaw and tasting me. When he broke away from the kiss, I only pecked his skin and pushed him into the house where he stumbled backwards.
"Anna," Harry chuckled quietly, "I need to say–,"
"You don't need to say anything," I shook my head and closed the gap between us once more.
Harry, this time, refused and put a soft hand on my chest. Breaking the kiss. He looked down at me, amused, yet confused.
"Let me say this first before–,"
"I stopped taking my medication," I confessed, "After I followed you that night, I flushed the pills down the toilet. I snooped through your phone. I saw the texts from...whoever and..."
"You stopped taking your medication?" Harry frowned, looking in disbelief, "That's...that's dangerous, Anna, you can't just immediately stop taking your medicine."
"Well, I did," I swallowed hard, "I did it because you made me feel like I was going crazy. So I stopped taking the medicine to...feel something. To see things more clearly and it has."
"It can make you sick," Harry breathed, "Very sick."
"I've been sick," I said shakily, "But I'm getting better."
My prior sickness, I solely chalked it up to not taking my medicine. Firstly I thought it was the nicotine, and that was not it, but the medicine. The first few mornings I was hugging the toilet, brushing my teeth multiple times a day to keep my breath fresh. After a few days, the feeling subsided.
"What about your anxiety?" He asked, "What about your panic attacks, your depression? I don't want you to get bad again. I've seen how it cripples you and it...it's the worst thing I've ever seen."
I swallowed, "I want to get back on my medicine. It has been really hard, and I scheduled an appointment to see the doctor again soon, but I needed to be honest with you," My bottom lip quivered, "I don't want to get bad again either. Being on medicine has helped me so much, it has helped my anxiety and helped me cope with the things that happened to me. I don't want to spiral again."
Suddenly I was in Harry's arms, and he was consoling me, and there were tears stinging my eyes. For so long I was scared that medicine would change me, make me someone I wasn't, but that was far from the truth. Since I started medicine, I've felt more like myself than I've ever been in a very long time.
The thoughts in my head surely floated by, but they passed like dust in the wind. I managed myself better, and when I thought about my mom...when I thought about what happened, it didn't hurt as bad. It didn't feel like I was reliving the memory over and over again.
I was finally able to let it go without forgetting, but forgiving myself for saving myself as well.
"I'm sorry," Harry clung desperately to my body, "I am so sorry for everything."
"I know," I sniffled, running my hand over his bicep, "I'm sorry too."
"When all of this is over..." Harry whispered, pushing strands of hair behind my ear as he whispered, "I want to move. I want to leave this all behind."
A smile crept on my lips for mere moments, but when I thought about leaving everyone I knew...leaving my dad and Gracie, the newfound family I'd gained; Rina. A pang of pain shot through me. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving them.
"What about our family?" I asked, "What about Gracie, Rina? Pete and..."
"I've thought about it," He created a distance between us, extending his hand as if he was revealing a painting to me, "We buy a house large enough to have them stay over. Whenever they'd like. It would be...beautiful," He turned to me, a hopeful smile, "You can garden till your heart's content. Paint. Explore. Whatever you'd like."
"I've never...lived outside of Madrid, Harry," The smile on my face faltered, but I tried to keep a strong, happy face, "Where would we go?"
"Italy," He whispered, grabbing my hands as his eyes sparkled, "Venice. Perhaps Rome?"
Italy.
I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was desperate for things to change, as I was. Change was good, but this was a huge change in our lives. To leave Madrid and go to a foreign place where we knew nobody. We'd have to make new friends, find new coffee shops, new shops to go to. It was all so different, and I was terrified about leaving.
At least for now.
"Let's think about it," I held his hand, "Let's think about it before we make any decisions."
Harry's smile faltered, "Of course, whatever you want."
Pete had texted Harry to join us with him and the group at his house. It'd been some time since Niall and Pete had been stationed together in Madrid that they had a gross amount of money to rent out something until they were able to return back to London.
So, they shared a two bedroom home. Gracie stayed with Pete, where they shared a room and Niall finally bought the noise canceling he'd always wanted. Niall typically complained about the noise that came from their room, or the way the walls shook each time the headboard hit it.
Soft music played in the background as we walked into the house, Harry's hand in mine. Loud chatter coming from the living-room, we turned a corner to find the couples sitting on the couches across from each other. Pete hid his smile behind a crystal glass of dark liquid, while Niall held a rolled joint between his teeth as his belly moved with laughter.
"Oh, look who came!" Rina exclaimed with a delightful smile as she leaned over to take the smoking joint from Niall.
"It's about time," Niall coughed into his fist as the smoke bellowed from his lips.
"We were busy." Harry hummed, squeezing my hand.
When he said we were busy, he was hiding that he had me against the wall in the shower. And again in the bed. And on the couch. Three times, we made love, and three times I throbbed and ached as his cherry lips wrapped around the swollen parts of me that were spent. The talk of Italy made me excited, anxious, but excited.
And in my head, as Harry held my throat with his large hands, and thrusted himself from behind me; I thought about a new life. A new life where I was someone else, with different friends, and different families. Where I was able to start over and live life happily, and when I thought about the happiness of becoming someone else; I drenched his aching member with a throaty moan and desperate plea to start again.
But I could not become someone else.
Because I was Anna, and I will always be Anna.
I will always hold the memories of my life, and I will bear the struggles I've faced.
So when the euphoria left me, I found myself feeling empty, even as Harry kissed my neck and held me closely to him.
I felt...empty.
"Do we have any updates?"
Harry's voice knocked me out of my trance. Suddenly sitting on the loveseat that faced the doorway of the living-room.
"No," Niall said, arm tossed around Rina, "I can't tell if that's a good thing or not."
"Good for now," Pete mumbled, shrugging one shoulder, "Until it's not."
"It's good to be optimistic. Never change, Pete," Gracie rolled her eyes playfully, a smirk on her lips.
"It's realistic," Harry countered, waving his hand in front of his face to dust the thick smoke from his face with a glare, "We need to be realistic now. Being on our toes is going to be the best thing for us now."
I let out a big breath, "Is this what we were meeting for? To talk about them?"
Pete gave me a longing look, chuckling quietly.
"Do you want to talk about the weather instead?" Niall offered, a smirk stretched across his face, "It's a bit muggy outside, innit?"
"You knew what I meant," I bit back a smile, shrugging my shoulders back as I relaxed into Harry's arm, "I just can't wrap my head around all of this. Why would anyone want to hurt people like this? Control their...their minds? It's so sad, I just wish we had some sort of motive."
The room went silent. Goosebumps spread across my arms and I panned across the room.
"What?" I breathed, "Why did you all go silent?"
Pete sipped his drink deeply, while Niall turned away to face Rina. As if to start another conversation with her, but no words left his mouth. Rina didn't say much, not that I expected her or Gracie to say something. Not when this was just scratching the surface for them.
"What?" I finally turned to Harry, "Do you know something I don't?"
Harry's hand gripped my shoulder, then slid down my arm and held my wrist. Not tightly. Just held it, his fingers massaging into the pressure point as he turned towards me.
"We don't know of any motive," Harry confessed, breathlessly, "But we do know that...they..." He paused and I held my breath, feeling my face redden and chest thump until he spoke again, "They are after you. It is you that they want."
"We...we knew that already, right?" I gave him a look, twisting my body to the others, "What has changed?"
"Dead," Niall finally said, not holding my gaze as he lowered his gaze, "They want you dead."
For a moment, my heart stopped. It wasn't like before where they decided to kidnap me and lock me away; that was easy compared to what they wanted with me now.
"What?" I whispered, "So, you're telling me..."
"To be fair they want all of us dead," Pete tipped his drink towards us, panning the room, "But you, you they have eyes on."
"Why me?" My heart picked up, but when Harry caressed my hand, I felt my troubles ease, "What did I do?"
"We don't have a solid answer, but we do have a hunch," Harry said tightly, furrowing his brows as he massaged my hand slowly, "We believe that the reason they want you the most is because they believe you will save all of them," He nodded, clenching his jaw, "And you will turn their people against them. And then they will have no one."
"Which we are already doing," Pete offered, setting his glass on the table as we refilled it, "If they don't know that by now."
I panicked on the inside. How was this going to affect the normal life that Harry helped build for me? Of course, I worried for my life, but I tried not to think about death; I tried to think about the more complex things. Like work.
"Does this mean I shouldn't go back to work?" I panned the room, "Should I stay home again? Locked away like before?"
Harry shook his head, and before he could say anything, Niall spoke.
"I wouldn't say that, Anna," Niall said with a toothy grin as he leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees, "You lovely ladies get to go to the shooting range with me tomorrow."
Rina finally spoke after some time of silence, "Me and Niall are going to show you both how to shoot. How to protect yourselves."
My mouth gaped.
"And you're okay with this?" I turned to Harry.
It was not that I wasn't okay with handling a gun, I was more than okay doing that. I'd done it before and I'd do it again. But Harry had a past of worrying when it came to things like this.
"I want to do what is best for you," He spoke softly, yet sharply, "And if you are comfortable learning to protect yourself, you will be able to fend for yourself when we are not there."
I'd always wished for independence. For once, I was doubting myself. My life was in my hands. Just as I had told Harry earlier that I wished people would stop risking their lives for me; Harry put this opportunity to do so myself. I had mixed feelings about it. To be truthful, I wished that I didn't have to do this at all.
"Thank you," I said quietly, offering a genuine smile, "I really appreciate that."
"You hit the bullseye once," Niall said, "If you can do it again twenty times, you can put a man out of his misery. Many, many men."
"You're asking me to kill?" I gaped, mouth turning dry.
I couldn't stop myself from seeing the way my mom fell down the stairs that day. The sound of her neck cracking. Sometimes I relived it, but other times I managed to push it away. I didn't want any blood on my hands, not anymore. One was enough, even if it was accidental.
"If it came down to your life or his, who would you choose?" Pete cut in, pinching his brows together, "We aren't asking you to go out and kill just anyone. We just want all of you to be able to protect yourselves. If that moment comes where you need to choose between your life or theirs, that's your decision to make."
My face fell. I desperately wanted to resolve this situation, but I feared for what was to come. If I was able to stomach killing someone yet again. Harry could tell I was deep in my thoughts, and he gently squeezed my hand as he looked towards me, offering a flat, timid smile.
"I'd hope you'd choose to live." Harry said quietly.
If I'd know that it would all fall down to this...
Regardless, it was what was happening. There was no way for me to turn my head. I had to be more alert now than ever. I wanted to be able to live this life without fearing for when it was going to end. I let out a soft breath, then escaped to the kitchen where I could get something to drink.
Since throwing away my medication, it's done more bad than good. I was an anxious mess, but I was determined to see my doctor once more to get another fill. I rummaged through the cupboard, grabbing a cup and filling it with ice cold water from the fridge. I took a long sip, staring off at the wall.
I didn't know exactly what I was thinking. It wasn't many thoughts, more so memories, then nothing. My mind went blank and I was just feeling the nothingness of staring at a blank wall for some time. Until I saw a figure move out of the corner of my eye, and for a moment it had jolted me. Before I could question my sanity, Gracie was standing against the wall with a worried look on her face, but still a questioning smile.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
"I'm okay," I nodded, finishing the rest of my water and letting out a sigh, "I'm fine."
There was a long moment of silence.
"You're not though..." Gracie challenged as she moved closer, "Are you?"
My shoulders fell and I shook my head lightly, but kept a strong face.
"I'm not, but I will be," I said, offering a smile through the pain, "It's going to be worth it in the end."
"Harry said that you two were talking about leaving Madrid," Gracie said as she played with a piece of fuzz on the counter, squishing it with her finger as she stared down at it, then lifted her gaze, "Without me?" She smirked softly.
I chuckled quietly, "He has a big mouth, doesn't he?" I tried to hide the distaste behind that sentence, "We were talking about it today, but nothing is set in stone."
"If you go, I want to come with you," Gracie said softly, "I don't want to stay in Madrid if it means I won't be with you."
I smiled softly, "You're so obsessed with me," I teased, moving closer to her as I hugged her, "I would want you to come."
Her hand patted my back and she looked at me with bright eyes.
"Italy sounds amazing," She sighed as if she dreamt of herself living there, "Maybe this could be a reality after all."
"What about your parents?" I frowned, "I mean...after we..." My voice trailed off.
Gracie pressed her lips together, nodding slowly. I'm sure she had a lot to think about when it came to her parents. Yet she was wanting so desperately to leave. Would she stay with them if we were able to save them? Or was she anticipating something worse? Something bad that would happen to her family that perhaps would make her want to leave Madrid.
"We need to save them," She whispered under her breath, "And I am scared that maybe...if they know that we..." Gracie couldn't find the words and it was terrifying, knowing that she was the kind of person to always say what was on her mind. Yet she choked at the words that she couldn't bear to say.
"I know what you mean," I grabbed her hand, nodding softly, "And we aren't going to let anything bad happen to them. I...I promise, Gracie."
Gracie didn't reply, only pulled me into another hug. This time longer and tighter. I held her so tightly that I felt my arms start to shake. I may have let Katerina down, but I refused to let Gracie down. This promise was something I was going to keep, even if it gets me killed. I was willing to fight just so Gracie didn't have to lose her parents, and I was sure that she would've done the same for me if she knew everything that happened before.
When the night came to an end, and Niall had smoked himself asleep and Pete was tipsy enough to get comfy on the couch, we left the house. Niall had asked us to meet tomorrow for the shooting range, he said he would pick us all up and we could ride together out there, given that it was some miles away. I was nervous, but I was ready.
In the house, I curled up on the couch with a blanket and hot tea. Harry came out of the room with his purple shorts on and a large black hoodie, his hair curled and disheveled. Before I could open my mouth to invite him, he slid his body in between me and the backside of the couch. I chuckled softly as his arm wrapped around my waist and his mouth landed on the nape of my neck.
"Do I ever tell you how much I love you?" He asked softly, breath tickling the backside of my neck.
"Mmm..." I hummed as I slowly rolled onto my back, turning my head to look at him, "Maybe you could tell me some more. It wouldn't hurt."
"It wouldn't hurt," Harry mumbled softly, a smirk stretched across his lips as his fingers held my jaw and he brought me in for a kiss. He pecked them lightly, a content sigh slipping, "I adore you, I truly do. There isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't do for you. Do you know that?"
It was true, scarily enough. As much as I wanted it to be false, I'd see what lengths Harry would go for me. To save me. Even if it meant lying to me. I pecked his lips, nudging my nose against his and meeting his lazy stare.
"I know," I kissed his nose, "And I love you. So much."
Harry hummed, pressing open mouthed kisses to my jaw as he rubbed my stomach lightly. I let out a soft breath, eyes fluttering shut as his tongue lapped around the skin. I mumbled something I couldn't make out as his fingers stretched under the elastic band of my shorts and rubbed my pelvic bone slowly.
"Don't tease me," I whispered quietly, "If you're going to touch me, then..."
Harry caught my lips. Slow, slow kissing that burned me, making my head dizzy and my skin simmer. It wasn't long before his fingers curled around the folds of my core, then used my own arousal to rub the swollen bit that needed it the most. I begged softly into his mouth, his finger flicking, and our lips open against each other.
His hips pressed against my side where I could feel his hardened cock on my leg. Yet, he did not act. Instead his mouth kissed everywhere, eating my moans and swallowing them whole until my legs started to shake and his praises in my ear became more tentative and sensual.
"Good girl. That's my good girl."
When I came down from my climax, my legs felt like jelly and my eyes were heavy.
I wrapped myself around Harry's body, pressing a gentle kiss to his adam's apple and closing my tired eyes. His large hand ran up the backside of my shirt, fingertips caressing bareskin and digging his nose deeply into my hair as he relaxed against me.
"If they ever touched you," Harry finally said after a few moments of silence, "I'll fucking kill them."