A/N: Okay, go with me on this one: when I reread Lodestar recently, I found myself wondering how this first encounter would go if my alternate ending from the end of Neverseen had happened. To recap, Keefe kissed Sophie outside the Sanctuary before accidentally bringing her along with him as he went to join the Neverseen--increasing her feeling of betrayal and opening up all of her *feelings* for Keefe. So this chapter is an alternate ending to Lodestar chapter 2, but also a continuation of that alternate ending in Neverseen 77-78.
"Don't come any closer. I've been practicing inflicting. A lot." One hand moved to her stomach, rubbing the knot of emotions lodged under her ribs. Bronte was teaching her to tie them away, ready to unravel whenever she needed a burst of furious power.
Keefe's smile faded. "Are you afraid of me?"
"You're the Empath."
The words hung there for several seconds, turning heavier and heavier.
Keefe sank back into his chair. "Wow...I didn't expect that."
"What did you expect? You ran off with the Neverseen! You realize those are the people trying to kill me, right? The same people who killed Kenric and Jolie, and almost killed all the gnomes, and--"
"I know," Keefe said. "But you know me, Foster."
"I thought I did."
Sophie's mind flashed to the last time she'd seen him.
He'd kissed her.
And then he'd betrayed her.
And all she'd been able to think about since he'd left was that she didn't know what to think.
She couldn't hate him. Especially now. After she'd made it back home, and pretended her tears and grief were nothing more than the sting of being betrayed by a friend, she'd crawled into bed and replayed the whole thing over and over in her head.
She'd remember the way he kissed her and her heart would flutter all over again.
But then she would remember what he'd done right after that, and she'd be angry.
She kept thinking back on their time in Alluveterre, and how much closer they'd gotten, and how she realized now that she'd been slowly falling for him. She just...hadn't realized it until he kissed her.
And it made her crush on Fitz extra confusing too.
Keefe was watching her cautiously, and she wondered if he knew what she was thinking about.
She also wondered if he was remembering it, too.
He got up and began slowly moving closer to her. "You do know me. I'm exactly who I've always been—especially with you." He took another careful step forward. "I'm really sorry about that day. You weren't supposed to come with me. I never would have intentionally put you in danger like that."
"Then why go at all?"
And why kiss her first?
"I have to end this, Sophie. And I'm the perfect guy to do it because thanks to my mom, they've been expecting this. They've been waiting for me to join them."
The next words she needed to say were clear. She needed to tell him it was a bad idea. Beg him not to go back. But the words she heard herself saying were completely different.
"Then why did you kiss me?"
Keefe took another step closer, smiling softly. "Isn't it obvious?"
She shook her head. "Not really, no. You have no idea what I've been going through these last few weeks."
"Going through? Because I left? I'm so sorry, Sophie. Like I said, I—"
"Not only because you left. Also because you kissed me right before you betrayed us."
She could tell the word "betrayed" hit him hard.
But she kept going. "That was my first kiss, Keefe. I'm sure it wasn't yours, but...it was mine. And it was so..." the last word came out in a whisper. "Perfect." She closed her eyes for a moment before continuing. "I hadn't realized that I was starting to have feelings for you, and then you kissed me, but then...then you..." traitorous tears began running down her cheeks.
She'd been so torn between wanting to see him again and afraid of seeing him again.
She'd been trying to trust him in spite of everything.
"I just can't believe you would do this to me," she added, hearing the sadness in her voice but unable to hide it. "Like I said...I thought I knew you."
"Sophie..." Keefe said quietly, inching even
closer. "Sophie, please look at me."
When she did, she saw tears shining in his eyes too.
"I'm so sorry," he told her. "I really am. I shouldn't have kissed you, it was impulsive and unkind and wrong, considering what I was about to do. And to be honest, I didn't expect you to kiss me back. I kind of expected you to push me away. But I need you to know something: I only left because I'm convinced I can tear the Neverseen apart from the inside. And I kissed you because...because I wanted to. I always have. And to make things clear—that was my first kiss, too."
"Really?" Sophie blurted out without thinking. She found that hard to believe.
A hint of a smirk crossed Keefe's features. "I know, I know, it's a shocker. But...I'm not that much older than you are, remember?"
That was true. They were both pretty young.
But apparently not too young for some pretty overwhelming feelings.
"So..." he asked after a moment. "Do you still trust me?"
Sophie shrugged. She still had too many conflicting emotions and wasn't sure which one was most prevalent. So she held out a shaky hand. "You tell me."
He took her hand and closed his eyes in concentration, getting a clear reading. Then his lips curled up into a grateful smile. "Thank you," he whispered. "I knew I could count on you."
He didn't let go of her hand. Instead, he glanced up at the ceiling, fixating his gaze on the highest point in the center, before looking back down at her and smiling again. "Did you tell anyone?" He asked quietly. "Or is this just a secret between us?"
"Of course I didn't tell anyone. Did you really expect me to tell our friends that you'd run away to join the enemy, then follow it up by admitting to kissing you right before that?"
Keefe frowned. "No, I suppose I wouldn't have said anything either if I were in your position."
"Especially since I still don't know what it was supposed to mean."
"We have a lot of other stuff we need to talk about," Keefe mumbled, glancing toward the ceiling again. "So we should probably be hurrying this conversation along. But..." he inched closer. "For my part, it means I want to be with you. Though I also can't reasonably expect you to wait for me, if you decide..." his voice trailed off painfully.
"So, what, exactly?" Sophie asked him, feeling herself smile in spite of everything. "So I have this secret relationship with the guy who ran off, only I can't tell anyone because if Grady found out he'd find a way to track you down and kill you—"
"He hates me that bad, huh?" Keefe asked with a brave attempt at humor—though she could see the pain it caused him.
"He won't even call you by your name anymore," she admitted after a moment. "You're just...That Boy."
"One problem at a time," Keefe whispered, almost to himself.
"But as I was saying," Sophie continued, "I keep this a secret? And any time you can sneak off to say hi, or whatever it is you're doing here, you have to remind me again that I can continue to trust you?"
"Is that all?" Keefe asked. "I come to tell you whatever news I have, and remind you to trust me?"
Sophie looked up at him, her heart changing rhythm as she remembered again what happened last time they'd seen each other.
The last time they'd stood this close.
An amused smile crossed Keefe's features as he registered her mood shift.
"That's not all," she finally whispered.
And this time, she leaned forward, wrapped her arms cautiously around his neck, and kissed him.
It felt so much like coming home that it almost brought her to tears. Especially when she remembered that another goodbye was coming.
Plus whatever news—likely unpleasant news—he had yet to share.
When she finally pulled away, Keefe merely shook his head and brought his hands up to her face and cupped her cheeks. "Hold on to this while I'm gone," he breathed, "and try to remember why I'm doing what I'm doing." His thumbs traced softly along her cheeks as he kissed her again, one last soft kiss, before pulling away, looking sad again.
He looked like he was steeling himself for something unpleasant. "But we do have some hard things to talk about, and almost no time left."