Chapter Eighteen
You've gotta breathe
Fran didn't know why she was so enraged leaving Maria's house. Maybe it was a build up of emotions, maybe it was because she'd had twelve guns all ready to shoot her just an hour ago. Maybe it was because Maria didn't know when to quit; whatever it is she wanted out.
She threw her coat on over her shoulders, the thing slightly to big, not like her well fitted one that had now been traded off without her knowledge.
She didn't know her way around, barely remembering everything that Maria had told her, and ended up back by the sheep farm. The girl from before was gone now, leaving Fran alone with a bunch of sheep.
She ended up sitting on her own on the small steps by a greenhouse, looking out at the sheep as she tried to simmer down her emotions. Everything was building up and it was beginning to piss her off.
She should be happy - Joel found his brother, alive, they didn't die on the way. They were in an actual town, with hot water and food and fucking Christmas trees.
But she was so mad. Joel had thought Tommy was in danger when in reality he was doing better than they were, and she'd lost her jeans, and her pack with her favorite childhood book in it, no doubt that had been traded too.
She just wanted her sister, her family. She wanted to have that feeling of reuniting with a loved one, she wanted it so badly but she'd never be able to have it. Her family was dead, Tess was dead, Sam and Henry were dead. Everyone was dead and she couldn't fucking breathe.
-
It took her two hours to move from that spot still shaking from anger and all she wanted was to see Joel. The streets that had been bustling with people just hours ago were now completely empty.
Completely empty except from one man.
He was stood a little away from her, packing up some wood mostly likely to take home. The same thing that had been happening all day happening once again as he looked over to her for a second.
Her father.
Giulio Romano.
But this time was unlike the others. She knew the other times that it wasn't actually Sam or Giulia, she knew that. This time, through blurry tears, she genuinely thought with every fibre of her being that it was him.
A feeling of relief flew through her at the sight of him, he had yet to care for her presence, but he'd know soon enough that his daughter was there... right? He wouldn't forget her. He knew her as much as she knew him.
A smile was wide on her face as she raised her shaking hands to her mouth, cupping it and yelling to him, "Papino?"
The man looked up at the yell from the woman, turning towards her. She raced towards him, excitement clawing up her chest as she approached with open arms, but as soon as she was close enough he was shoving her away.
"What are you doin?" The man asked, his voice full of annoyance at this grown woman who he didn't know running at him.
At the shove; reality seemed to set in, looking at him in shock as her whole body froze.
"I-" she couldn't get a word at as he stared her down, it wasn't her dad. It wasn't her dad. It wasn't her dad.
Cold dead eyes were staring at her now, no longer in Jackson, but in the middle of New York, her dads unmoving body below her as she screamed for him.
"Papà," She whispered to herself, still staring at him. The stranger knew that stare, the million miles away look that came as a result of trauma. Post traumatic stress.
"Huh?" He asked her quietly, concern taking over now as he watched her try to move closer to him. He held her arms to keep her back, "ma'am, I ain't your dad."
"Fran! We have to go!" Giulia was crying, ripping the girl from her dead fathers body, unable to look at him as Fran screamed in protest, "We have to go!" She screamed once more.
"No," Fran mumbled, eyes closing as she tried to take a step back, breaths no longer getting in as her heart rate spiked with panic, "W-we can't- we can't leave him."
"Leave who?" The man asked her, looking around for anybody who could help the woman who was on the verge of having a mental breakdown.
"We have to," Giulia grabs her face now, forcing her to look into her eyes, "That will be us if we don't run, we need to find mom, okay?"
Francesca shakes her head, closing her eyes.
Giulia shakes her head slightly in her hands.
The man knew the woman was new to town, having arrived that afternoon. He knew who she'd been with, and was just hoping she'd be okay for two minutes as he looked for them inside of the movie theatre.
He ran inside, spotting Tommy and Maria together and quickly grabbed them, his look alone causing the two to worry.
"The woman who was with you," he said quickly, "she's outside completely freaking out."
Tommy was quick to follow the man, knowing that Joel would freak out of anything happened to her, their heart to heart just ten minutes ago coming to mind. How he was so scared she was shot in Kansas City, how he was terrified to fail her and Ellie.
When they made it outside; Maria following after realising Ellie wasn't even in the building anymore, Fran was on the floor; head between her legs as she cried out desperate breaths.
"Fran?" Tommy spoke carefully, hand coming to her shoulder as she cried. Her head jumped up at her name, looking to him through teary eyes and tear stained cheeks, "Fran, you alright?"
When she finally made out the face of who it was and realised it wasn't who she needed, she was quick to shake her head at him.
She was quick to put her head back between her legs as she tried and failed to get breaths in. Her whole body was shaking life a leaf as she mumbled things to herself.
"Fran, honey-"
"Get the fuck away from me!" Fran screamed at Maria, who had grabbed ahold of Fran's knees. Maria was quick to be back on her feet, looking at Tommy who still had his hand on her shoulder.
They had a silent conversation with their eyes as Fran leaned forward, hands now on the cold ground in front of her, now screaming out in words they couldn't translate. It sounded like she was dying, the pure pitch of her screams enough to haunt anyone.
"Go get Joel," Tommy said to Maria, "he went back to where they're staying for the night."
Maria hesitated; not wanting to leave her husband alone with the unstable woman, who knew what would happen if she got physical.
"Go." Tommy ordered now, Maria rushing off as fast as she could.
Fran was still screaming as she cried on the ground, hand on her chest as she tried to get air in. Her inability to do so just made her more and more frustrated. It was embarrassing to be crying at all, let alone in front of people she barely knew.
She'd just yelled at a woman who was only trying to be kind.
That wasn't her, she knew that.
She was shoving her coat off of her shoulders, growing too hot at the material as she screamed for Giulia, for her father, for her mother, for Henry, for Sam.
Dead eyes of her father were staring at her in her mind, slowly switching to Guilia's screams for her to run as her mother tore her apart, and then it was Tess' last look before she had to run, to Sam's screams of infection as he tried to kill her, to Henry's stare as he pulled the trigger.
"Fran, you gotta breathe," Tommy tried again, hands hovering above her. He was scared to touch her in case it got the same reaction as Maria, he wasn't even sure she could hear him.
A fucked up movie with no pause button was reeling in her head, her hands grabbing at her hair as Joel finally came barrelling around the corner.
He'd just finished an argument with Ellie where he'd been reminded of his loss of his daughter when Maria had barged in. All she had to say was Fran's name for him to be running, Maria leading the way.
"What is going on?" He was yelling at Tommy before he was close enough to grasp the situation, all he could see was her figure on the floor and all he could hear was her screams and her cries, panic overtaking his body.
"She just started out of nowhere," the stranger who had set her off told him. Joel just sent him a small glare - he didn't know him, he didn't know what was going on, he didn't know if she was hurt.
"Fran?" Joel called to her, moving to kneel in front of her from where she cried, she didn't seem to hear him, panting out her panicked breaths that just couldn't get through, "Fran!"
His voice boomed as he spoke, managing to break through at least a little as Fran's shoulders slumped just slightly. His hand went to the back of her neck, bringing it into his chest as her hands tried to push him off.
"Joel-" She tried to speak, it coming out as a panicked scream as Joel looked between the stranger and Maria. Tommy, getting the hint, told the two to leave.
"They're dead!" Fran screamed, trying to push on his chest as his arms came around her, restricting her movements, scared she was hurting herself in her panic, "La mia famiglia è morta e la tua è proprio qui!"
In the months of knowing her Joel had never heard Fran this loud. Not when she was shot, not when yelling at Ellie for having a nude magazine, not bashing in a clickers head. Never.
"I know," he didn't know what she'd said, only knowing the word family, but he tried his best to be comforting as she cried into his neck. She was still trying to fight off his hold, but her body was calming slightly, a win in his book.
"Voglio mio padre," Fran cried, hand hitting his chest as her body began to give up. She was close to passing out from a lack of oxygen, "per favore... I just want my dad."
"Oh, Fi," Joel understood now. The way she'd been looking off all day. It wasn't because she hated the place or she was bored. She was seeing people that weren't who she thought they were. He'd done it himself just earlier on, he knew how hard it was to realise it wasn't them.
"Non riesco a respirare," She cried, pants still coming out as her hand stopped pushing on him, and instead started clawing at his shirt over his chest, as if telling him what was wrong while not speaking the language he understood.
"You gotta take deep breaths," he said to her quietly now, his mouth right by her ear, "deep breaths for me."
She was trying, he knew she was trying but she couldn't do it, mind still clouded as he tries to move her away, hoping that if she could copy his breathing then she would calm down.
But his attempt at moving her failed instantly as she moved her arms to hold him tightly around his neck - now that she'd got accustomed to him she wasn't letting him go. She held onto him like a lifeline, his own arms securing around her waist tightly as she cried.
"Please, fi," he mumbled now, trying to forget that his brother was watching him. This is something he's not done in over twenty years. He'd never let anyone hug him like that, ever, he'd never been one to comfort unless they were his own blood, "you've gotta breathe for me."
"I-I'm sorry," Fran cried into his shoulder. Her heartbeat thundering in her ears as she tried to listen to Joel's own - trying to remind herself that he was there, and he was alive.
"Don't be sorry, you've done nothin' wrong," Joel promised her as one hand started to slowly stroke down her hair. She was slowly calming down.
"I have, I have," she was shaking her head into his neck now, "it should've been me."
While Joel assumed she was talking about Sam once again, she wasn't. Not completely. It should've been her instead of her dad. Should've been her instead of Giulia. They deserved to live much more than her, they were stronger than her.
Joel didn't quite know how to respond to the claim, but he knew how it felt. The desperation to go back in time and switch with someone at the last second.
"I-I'm not strong like her," Fran cried to him, him starting to rub her back as he listened. Her breathing had calmed significantly now, her just wanting to tell him what had caused this breakdown.
"Her?" He asked her quietly.
"Giulia," the name made Fran's voice crack, a new stream of tears coming. Joel knew then that she was talking about her sister, her twin, and his eyes went to Tommy - knowing the fear he had at the idea Tommy was dead. He didn't want to think about how it felt.
Tommy was looking at him a little confused. But Joel didn't care to clear up his confusion in that moment.
"She should be here, not me," Fran told him, "she gave her life to save me... and I cant even protect a girl from a dog, I cant hold a gun. I can't- I can't be like her."
"Shh," Joel whispered to her then, still rubbing her back soothingly.
"I can't do this anymore, Joel," She said then, her voice full of defeat and pain, the sound enough to break his heart.
"You're not going to." He told her.
At the statement, she carefully moved her head to look up at him, her arms still around his neck as they were now face to face.
Her confusion didn't need to be addressed by her, the look alone causing Joel to elaborate.
"Tommy's takin' Ellie to the fireflies," he tells her, gesturing to Tommy who was still stood there. She looked over at the man then, him sending her a nod to let her know Ellie was in safe hands.
And suddenly Fran was panicking all over again.
"But what if-" Fran was quick to turn to Joel, her mind thinking of every possibility of what could go wrong. How she would blame herself if she wasn't there and something happened.
"Breathe," Joel stopped her, one hand moving up to wipe the tears that covered her cheeks, "You can stay here with me, and when they have the cure and Ellie can go I'll take you to her."
She stared at him for a moment, looking over his features to see any trace of deceit, or any malice, but there was none. Just care and worry in his eyes for the woman who sat in his arms.
"I'm takin' her at dawn if you want to say goodbye," Tommy piped up then, "you're welcome to stay as long as you need."
"Thank you," Fran mumbled to him, him sending them both a nod before walking away to find his wife. Fran was in safe hands, he wasn't needed.
"Come on, let's get you back." Joel tried to get up, but Fran hugging him again stopped him, falling back into her embrace.
He held her for a little while longer on the floor, letting her just relax against him. She needed that comfort, and if he could give it he would.
"I don't want to leave her, Joel," Fran said to him quietly, "I- I can't do it."
"Fi-"
"Even if it kills me, I can't," Fran cut him off moving to look into his eyes, "not after everything."
"Tommy is more than capable," Joel promised her.
"But he's not us," she argued.
Joel stared deeply into her eyes at the comment.
Us.
It had always been him and Tess to take on whatever came, and when he's lost Tess he hated the idea of having Fran, stating she was dead weight. She was too weak.
But looking into her eyes, sat on the cold floor of Jackson, he wouldn't want anybody else. Ever.
"It's what you want?" He asked her quietly, her nodding in response.
His eyes flickered down to her lips for a second, plump and red from crying, slightly parted how they usually were.
She noticed, slowly lifting her hand and holding the side of his face so he'd look at her again.
"We have to," she mumbled to him, "for her."
He stared into her pleading eyes, and realised in that moment he would do absolutely anything she asked him to. Anything she wanted.
He hesitated, before nodding his head so subtly that if she was any further away she would've missed it.
And the nod told her everything it needed to. She leaned forward slowly, before connecting their lips. It was light, not wanting him to feel like he couldn't move away if this wasn't what he wanted, but to her heart's glee, he pressed himself closer.
His arms held tightly onto her waist, as if she'd disappear any second if he didn't, and her arms held on just as tight around his shoulders. As the seconds passed by the kiss changed from something of comfort to something needy, neither wanting to pull away for air, neither wanting to lose the others touch.
The embrace stayed strong, both eyes closed as their broken and beaten hearts desperately started to mend themselves.