"Are we going to talk about what you said the other night?" Harry pulls the covers back and lays down next to me, intertwining a leg with mine.
"Was hoping we could skip it, not like it's recent. It's old news."
"Maybe to you, El."
"I promise I've talked about it in therapy, I've never felt like that again. I just wanted to take the edge off the other night, nothing more than that," I try to reassure him.
"What if next time it's not just that though?" He asks quietly.
"I promise, it's not going to happen again." I reach up and cup his cheek, gently stroking my thumb against his jaw.
"Does anybody else even know?"
"Just you," I whisper.
"If you ever feel like that again, El-"
"I'll ask you for help."
"Just got you back, can't lose you." Leaning in for a kiss, he wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me closer to him.
"Don't worry, 'm not going anywhere," I whisper as I press my lips against his. "We don't need to talk about it more than that?"
"Okay," he says with tears in his eyes. "I love you."
"I love you, too." I wipe his tears and pull him closer to me, running a hand through his hair to try to soothe him.
My shitty night has turned into me comforting Harry, probably one of the few things that could get me out of my funk as quickly as it did. I know it was never his intent, and I still haven't told him about the phone call from my dad, but I know he'd feel the same if the roles were reversed.
"I don't have to go in tomorrow, we can go up to Santa Barbara for the night if you want."
"Can we leave right now?"
"I have dinner with Jeff," he laughs. "We can leave as soon as rush hour ends tomorrow."
"Friday in LA, it's not-"
"You know what I mean." He pats me on the butt and sits up, reaching for his phone.
He zones off into his own little world while I do the same.
I don't know why I haven't told him about the phone call yet, especially when I've told Niall. Not sure if I actually would've told him, he just figured it out based on what I was doing. Even though Harry and I still remember the small things about each other, and it feels like we picked up where we left off, there's five years of habits and quirks we each have to pick up on.
Five years of self destruction to push away and put a pretty bow on, hoping like crazy that it won't be too much to share. That I won't be too much. That's my biggest fear in or our relationship, that I'll be too much to handle on top of everything else Harry's responsible for.
He's always taken the lead in our relationship, even before we were together. It's something that I've just sat back and let him do though, I enjoy not having to make decisions or worry about things. Harry takes care of me and I worry one day he'll resent me for having to do it.
"El?"
"Hm?"
"What if we play a little drinking game on Saturday night? Can write down some questions and pull some from online."
"Like get to know you?"
"Yeah, but catching up on the last few years. Some fun, some serious."
"Sure."
_______
"Okay the questions are a mix of what we wrote and just some fun ones I found online," I tell Harry.
"And we have to answer?"
"Yes," unsure of what he's written, I answer hesitantly.
"What have you done in the last five years you're most proud of?" When I go to answer, he interrupts me. "Not your career, either."
"I-I don't know. I'm proud of my work. Why can't I answer that? I know you are, too."
"Because you're more than the work you do for someone else, El."
"Umm I've finally gotten to a spot where I want to buy a house. I have a hard time committing to living situations, if you haven't noticed, so being ready to buy is a lot."
"Here or London?" Harry asks.
"New York, actually," I say with a smile. It still feels like home. I grab a piece of paper and unfold it, reading it a few times before asking. "What's your biggest regret about our relationship? Wow... harsh."
I fold it back up and set it in front of me, reaching for my drink while Harry looks at his own glass.
"I knew there'd be a chance of getting it myself, but damn. Okay uh, besides the obvious ending-I wish we would've gone public. So many of our issues were caused by hiding ourselves," he says with a deep breath.
"Hope you didn't ask anything you don't want the answer to, doux," I mock in his British accent.
"Elizabeth, I didn't ask about anything I'm not ready to hear the answer to. These are conversations we need to have, ones we probably should've had before we even got back together."
"Not something I would've asked."
"You would've answered?"
"Yes...." I push the bowl back to Harry and pull my legs up to my chest, resting my chin on my knees.
"This is supposed to be fun, too. Not everything I wrote is like that."
"Okay," I whisper.
Harry digs through the bowl and grabs a piece of paper, laughing when he reads it.
"Ass or tits? And not mine, it clarifies," he laughs. "I've always appreciated both, don't think I felt like one was better than the other until I saw your tits though."
"When we met?"
"No, the first time I saw 'em with my own eyes. Fuck, where were we? I think it was some LA party, but you were wearing this criminally small bikini and took it off in the hot tub."
"Then you asked me out the next day. Oh my god! You asked me out because of my tits?" I ask with a giggle.
"That wasn't the only reason! I liked you before that."
"When did you realize?"
"Don't think that's a question. Yet." He slides the bowl over and picks up his own drink, finishing it and getting up to make another. "Do you want one?"
"Yes please." I reach for the bowl and grab a piece of paper, opening it and smirking. "What's your favorite episode of SpongeBob."
"Had to throw something in there to make you smile." He sets my drink in front of me and leans down, giving me a quick kiss before sitting back down.
"The one where they adopt the baby together."
"Why?"
"When SpongeBob shows Patrick all of the diapers and is like HMMMM, HMMMM, HMMMM?"
"Thought it'd be the one where Sandy misses Texas. You watched it all the fucking time," he adds under his breath.
"Heard that, asshole." I push the bowl back over to him and run my finger over the rim of my glass.
I was excited, yet scared, when Harry suggested doing this game. Always on the same page, he said he realized there were things we probably needed to learn about each other again. It's like he'd been reading my mind.
The part that made me the most nervous was having to answer the questions, no matter how hard they were. We had a good mix of the questions we wrote and what I printed from online, but it was a guessing game of what question we'd each get.
Harry reaches for one and his eyes bulge out of his head in surprise when he reads it.
"Are we asking everything?"
"Yes but I feel like I might regret that."
"It asks if you've ever slept with my best friend. What kind of site did you get this from?" He laughs.
"Christ," I roll my eyes. "No, I've never slept with Niall. Whoever wrote these questions and posted them online must have trust issues."
"Okay I'm vetoing the bowl of questions. We can just ask what we want to ask."
"What have you done that you're most proud of?"
"Assuming I can't say career so... myself."
"You're proud of yourself and?"
"Just proud of where I've gotten, I'm happy with where I'm at in life. So many moving parts to that, you know?"
"I do," I smile. "I'm proud of you, too."
"Has your favorite drink changed?"
"I still love tequila but have a good appreciation for whiskey now. Hmmm... what's the most adventurous thing you've done?"
"Went on a road trip through the Italian countryside. Felt like I found a part of myself I didn't know I needed. It feels silly to miss a part of your soul you didn't even realize you were missing but..."
"You found your home," I whisper.
"I did. I'd love to take you some time, if you'd go with me?" Hesitantly, he looks over at me.
"I'd love to go, Harry."
"Do you have any um, regrets? About our relationship?" Harry asks.
"I wish I would've spoken up for myself more often," I reply with a sad smile. "Times I felt mistreated-just by the situation, not you," I clarify. "Maybe things would've been different for us if I were more focused on how we could improve our relationship instead of just worrying about how our relationship looked from the outside in."
"What do you mean?"
"I think I focused more on how I could make our relationship look better so you'd feel more secure in sharing it with the world. If I spoke up and shared with you when I had a problem with something, we would've been stronger for it."
"Ellie, nothing you could've done would've changed that. It was all my own insecurities."
"And maybe if I did something different in our relationship, you would've felt more confident in yourself, Harry. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, but the time we had together would've been better."
"At least we both have the same regrets, I guess." With a sigh, Harry grabs his drink and finishes it.
I get up and pour him another, sliding it across the table.
"Can I ask you another question?"
"Yeah."
"You can uh, skip this one if you want." Harry looks down, avoiding my eye contact, and shifts in his seat. "Niall told me what happened last week with the beach. Why didn't you?"
I look straight at him when he finally looks up at me and my ears start to ring.
"Why does it matter?"
"Come on, doux," he sighs. He gets up and walks over to sit next to me, grabbing my hand and giving it a squeeze. "I'd like to understand why you felt like you couldn't tell me."
"So you ask when we said we'd answer everything? You're such an asshole." I pull my hand from his and scoot my chair back, trying to put emotional and physical distance between us.
"I just told you that you didn't have to, Elizabeth."
"Did you write that on a little piece of paper? Were you going to pretend it said something else if you picked it up yourself?"
"Can you please stop twisting my words and actions?" He asks patiently. "You don't have to answer, I just decided to ask."
"I want another drink."
"You have a full one in front of you," he sighs.
I pick it up and finish it in a gulp, slamming it on the table and reaching for his to finish.
"Christ," he says to himself. "Instead of answering or telling me no, you're just pushing me away."
"So? If Niall blabbed, then you know what happened."
"He thought you and I had already talked about it," he says calmly. "It's not his fault."
"I can handle it myself," I try to say strongly.
"You let me get you a new phone and move it over to my plan. Why do you let me help with stuff like that, but not this?" He reaches forward and taps the side of my head, letting his hand fall to my shoulder after.
Looking into his eyes, I try to decide how honest I want to be tonight. I see nothing but love and respect coming from him, making me feel worse about hiding everything or thinking it'd be too much.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
"Never apologize for feeling the way you do, doux." He leans forward and presses a kiss to my forehead and lets his lips linger. "I love you."
"I'm sure nosy pants told you everything that happened," I say with a roll of my eyes.
"Yes."
"I was scared it'd be too much."
"That you would be?" He whispers.
Fuck. I'm so transparent.
"Yes. How much power I still let them hold over me-" I bite back a sob and wipe my tears away.
"Hey, you're one of the strongest people I know, El. Nothing about your relationship with your parents is traditional, you aren't going to have traditional feelings about them. I don't think they hold power over you, I think you want something you know isn't going to happen and that's okay.
"I used to wish my mum and dad would get back together, I hated that they were divorced. Just because it wasn't something that could ever happen doesn't mean it was silly to wish."
"You were a kid," I breathe out. "I'm almost thirty."
"You're still someone's kid, even if they've never acted like a parent. Nothing about you is too much. I love you, every part of you, and want to be here for you. I can't help if I don't know what's going on."
"I know," I mumble.
"I want to take care of you, just like you like being taken care of."
I nod my head and wipe my tears again, sitting back and looking up at him.
"If it makes you feel better, I didn't tell Niall. He figured it out when I told him I had been drinking and was at the beach."
"He didn't tell me that part, just said you had a little tradition."
"A joint and a drink at the beach to forget all of my problems exist," with a sigh, I close my eyes for a moment. "He's been through... a lot of them."
"I love you. Nothing will ever change that."
"I love you, too."
"Do you want to lay down?"
"Yes but can we keep going with the fun questions?"
"Of course." Standing up, he holds a hand out for me and I grab it.
We get up and walk to his room, each of us getting undressed and crawling into bed.
"You go first," Harry says.
"Is there a song you're still unsure you should've put on your album?"
"Oh, that's the fun one? Boyfriends but only because I love her so much and am scared at what people will say. I normally don't care but she's just..."
"Something different."
"Exactly," with a sigh he pulls me close, resting his head on my chest. "When you saw me in that bar, what did you really think?"
"Every part of me was ready to run, but I think somewhere in the back of my head I just wanted a hug. I wanted to know it'd be okay, even if you had no way of knowing it would be. Did you think we'd get back together when you guys decided to tour together?"
"Oh hell, no. I wasn't sure if you'd even talk to me, honestly. I just hoped I could tell you more about the breakup, so you'd know it wasn't something you did. Didn't have much hope for it when you were leaving Niall's place any time he breathed a word of my name."
I laugh at the memories of heading out and staying somewhere else whenever Niall would have Harry over. I didn't realize how often they were hanging out until Harry was over more, not knowing Niall went to him for so much of their friendship.
"Were you serious about buying in New York?"
"Yeah, I get that insurance trust payout from my grandparent's estate when I turn 30. Could never afford something there otherwise. May not be in Tribeca, but it'll be mine."
"It'll be home."
I close my eyes when I feel Harry reach down and run a hand through my hair, leaning into his touch.
"Exactly."
"Did you tell your mom about our past?"
"Thought you said fun questions, El," he laughs.
"Come onnnnnnn, don't ignore the question."
"I told her this wasn't the first time we were together but that I wasn't getting into any detail without talking to you. That's not fair to ask, ya know."
"You know what Niall knows, it's only fair," I giggle.
"Consider us even, best friend versus mortifying conversation with my mum. She still tried to ask so many bloody questions."
"Hmm I think you'll find a way to get over it, somehow." Leaving no room for argument, I lean up and press a kiss against his lips.
"I love you," he whispers.
"I love you, too."
"Last one I've got. When did you get that little star tattoo on your ass?" He runs a hand down my side and rests it on my hip, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"Hmmm early 2017 I think?"
"Anything else I haven't found yet?"
"Thats it. When did you realize you liked me?" I whisper.
"I think to some extent I did when we first met, I thought you were so cute. But some things are better kept as secrets."
He stops me from speaking up by pressing a gentle kiss against my lips, resting his forehead against mine.
"I'll let you keep your secrets," I whisper.