Weeks flew by, and I wasn't in a place where I could think past what was going on with my dad, much less what wasn't going on with July and I— I hadn't told anyone how severe the situation had become with my father, because I'm not quite sure I understood it myself.
My stepmom was having trouble with it, understandably, but without Dad's valid input, I had no one.
I put July out of my head. I put that night away. It was too much. She never even knew why I was late, and with everything she listed going on that night at the party, how could I blame her for getting tanked? She probably thought I wouldn't show, even though I had a solid reason for being late. I simply wasn't ready to talk about my dad. I couldn't make it real for anyone else when it was not yet real for me.
I knew July was hurting, and I knew I could potentially hurt her again with my silence. It was fight or flight, and I had to fly and fight for my dad. There wasn't room for my feelings for anyone else. I knew this logically, yet night after night, in the late hours of my evening... I would weigh out the situation and our actions. I don't think I'd watched football replays as much as I replayed, well, us.
I hadn't asked, but Lynn told me about the Spencer resolve. She didn't say who it was at the Tomlin party nor who Spencer's "buddy" was, but it wasn't hard to guess. I weighed that pressure into July's situation. The idea that she held that in for so long while I was flaunting Natalie in front of her, and how Devin had fueled that situation to start something with July. It was a lot for someone to go through, and there were so many other things I didn't yet know she was facing.
Then, I factored in mine. My knee, my dad, and everything I lost that Spring semester.
Only, fuck if she wasn't the only thing that made it better! I ran to her in a crisis in the office that day, and she was the only one I wanted to see after that when things turned upside down with coach. I didn't know it at the time, and still, it seems ludicrous our trajectories crossed paths that day. Even more so that I unknowingly relied on it.
My best friend was standing there. Reagan, another friend for life was standing in arms reach, and I latched on to the only one I wanted to stand by me in the moment. It was automatic. As uncertain as my behavior had been toward July, I never question the certainty of how much I wanted her. I questioned the why often, usually to talk myself out of pursuing her, but I never questioned whether it was real or not.
That night of the lake house had been replayed the most in my mind. She never gets drunk. She was a mean, angry little cuss, but she was adorable and even sloppy drunk... she was beautiful. There was no denying that. I shouldn't have asked why Court followed her out. Wasn't it obvious? Who wouldn't want to?
I had looked over several times as she slept peacefully in the passenger side of my car. As angry as I was at her for— nothing, really— our circumstances... I couldn't help but imagine her sleeping next to me or wondering about her outfit. That shirt I'd never seen her wear. The vibrant green was so demanding with her dark hair. It made her eyes deeper. If she hadn't been tipsy, I wanted to pop the buttons off it and watch it fall to the floor. I wanted to hold her so badly, but I was angry, and just defeated. Defeated by the situation with my dad, and defeated by the fact that I could never get her right. The one time I did was a day I knew I was slowly losing her to someone else.
Maybe I was too late. She said she hated me. How could I blame her?
It had been a very long day, and my stepmom was handling something with a specialist for my dad. I went to Lynn's for support, encouragement, a laugh or two... anything before I collapsed.
I didn't plan on divulging anything about my situation with my dad, but she knew me all too well. One familiar chuckle between the two of us, and my eyes teared up and laid the ground work to give me a way.
"Hey, hey. What's going on? Just talk to me Adrian." Lynn's concern went from taking great care, to fear, and demanding I tell her what was wrong.
I tried to take a deep breath, but I don't think I had a steady one left in me. I looked up at the ceiling and pressed my lips, waiting for words or breath to come. Lynn rubbed the back of my shoulder, and made an instant plan.
"Adrian. Liston to me. You are alright, and it's going to be alright. There is nothing out there that we can't figure out or work together to fix. I'm going to go get us some provisions. You're going to catch your breath, and we are going to figure it out. We always do."
She left me in her room with the door cracked and she went to grab us something to drink. I don't think she had ever seen me this upset. She'd certainly never seen me with tears in my eyes. I think she was giving me time to find my dignity. I put my head in my hands contemplating how to tell her, what I would be capable of saying about my dad upon her return, when I heard the doorbell ring. Lynn's mother, Ruth, answered it.
"I've got it, Lynn." I heard her mother call out to the kitchen as she approached the door. When the door opened, I heard crying from a voice I recognized that I don't think I'd ever heard cry before that moment.
"Oh, come in here, baby. What's the matter? What's happened?" I couldn't see, but it sounded like Ruth was consoling July. "Come on in and tell us all about it. Lynn's just there in the kitchen."
"Oh, Mrs. Stokes!" July cried again. I couldn't stand listening to her cry, not knowing what was wrong. I wanted to bust out of the room and help her, but I knew I had already been privy to something I wasn't meant to hear.
"What's wrong, July, what's happened?" Lynn's voice moved from the kitchen toward July. "Did you come straight from work?"
"I'm so sorry. This is ridiculous. I just didn't know it would feel like this."
"What's happened?"
"It's so stupid, really. It was our last day at the pool for most of the college guys that have to head back and –"
"Court." Lynn filled in the blank.
"Mrs. Stokes, he's not even..."
"Go ahead, July, tell us what happened."
"Okay, he pulled me to the side and made this big production out of having feelings for me. I guess is what he was trying to say. He has a long term girlfriend, and he's leaving to go back to school, so it was absolutely a moot point. I don't understand why this feels this way." July began crying again.
"This Court, a lifeguard fella? Wait. Honey... are you saying that although there was nothing that would be done about it, a young man let you know how much you meant to him?" Lynn's mother's voice was sweet as she tried to unravel the dilemma. "Sweetheart, that's a wonderful thing. Maybe that's why you're upset because you'll miss him."
"It's not him. He's not the one I want. I must sound ridiculous. He doesn't give me—" July tried to laugh through her tears. "Butterflies, I guess. At least he doesn't give me the most."
If I wasn't fuming and about to come unglued with my anger at that Court Bastard, I would have almost found this conversation amusing, if not endearing. July pandering to Mrs. Stokes, trying to make her understand, and Mrs. Stokes attempting to calm her down the way only she could. She was a brilliant, wonderful mother that way. Lynn was a lot like her.
"So there's another one who does give you these butterflies? My, my, Lynn, have you girls kept me out of the loop! But how do you know, July? Have you kissed this Court fella?"
"No. And I know because the other one gives them to me just by walking into the same room."
"I see. Now I know what's going on here. You're not mourning the one who left with nothing you can do about the situation. You're mourning, the one who's still here that you can't do anything about."
"I don't understand. And why does it hurt so bad, when it was the wrong one who said it?" July was still crying. I had never known her to be this overwhelmed.
"That's just it. This is a broken heart, baby. That's what it feels like. You didn't realize you had one until someone else tried to claim it. That's what's going on here, I promise. It feels good when someone tells you how much they care for you. I think it hurts so bad all of the sudden because you are realizing you don't have that from the other one... the one you want. Surely, I get to know who this other young man is. Don't I?"
"Momma." Lynn tried to say it quietly to get her attention.
"Lynn, you girls used to tell me everything. July is clearly upset, maybe it would help if I knew just who this was that caused all those butterflies just from walking into a room..."
"Momma!" Lynn spoke loud enough this time that Mrs. Stokes and July looked up to find me in the hallway.
July's face was red and humble when she saw me standing there.
I was just as humiliated standing there as she was at the reveal of me.
Mrs. Stokes looked confused at first, and I could tell Lynn was so taken aback by July's confession she had never heard, that she'd almost forgotten I was back in her room until she saw me.
I looked right at July and tried to be as straightforward as possible.
"It is him. I waited, and I lost you. You're crying because he told you how he felt, something I never did." I turned away from them and walked out the front door.
"Adrian!" Lynn called after me. "These damned white people!"
"Lynn!" Her mother's reprimand was the last thing I heard past the door that had just shut behind me. The protective part of me was glad to hear Lynn making light of the situation or at least cracking a joke for July's sake, but I couldn't look back. Although I was on my way home to handle it differently, I feared I too now shared the same affliction as July... A broken heart.