art: --
<6:45 pm>
I watched how stunned he looked, how his shoulders would flinch ever so slightly with each roar of thunder. The dim light from the room caused the atmosphere to seem more grim than it already is.
"Chinatsu... repeat what you just said, please." His shakened voice sputtered out, his eyes looked up at mine with disbelief, looking almost on the verge of tears. What's worse: his current ruggedness made him look more pityful that it was hard for me to keep eye contact.
"I want a divorce," I avoided his eyes, unable to look at him properly after my absurd request.
But is it unnatural to suddenly ask for a divorce after spending so much time away from him?
Despite the distance, I've always wanted to know if he's not only feeding Kehaan sufficiently, but also himself. I always wondered if the house would become a mess if I left him alone for a day.
But most importantly, how will he cope raising an infant without someone to help carry the responsibility?
These and many other questions swirled in my head, confusing and hurting me. It confuses me if I should just go back to him and forget, but also at the same time, something in me just felt betrayed and was stubborn. It won't allow me.
"Chinatsu, are you sure you've think this through? You can't just make trash decisions-"
"I have made up my mind, Haru. I want a divorce," I continued to press. Resisting the urge to just collapse then and there and just take back everything I said and just live happily with my husband and my daughter.
Haruchiyo sat there, silent. His shoulders were slumped, as if he was ready to give up.
'Don't give up on us please.'
"Haru... I've already got the papers in the making..."
'Please say something. Anything, please.'
"Haruchiyo?"
'Break my constitution-'
"Fine," He bursted out, slapping his hands against the coffee table causing me to flinch. I fearfully glanced at his eyes, resisting the urge to shrink under them.
"Do whatever you want, if you want a divorce. Fine, I'll give it to you," He gritted out.
Standing from his seat, he walked towards me, stopping right behind me but his eyes glued forward. I can't see his expression...
"I just hope that this was the right decision that you made." He sounded so harsh, not the soft and loving Haruchiyo that I love.
"Unlike running away just because you couldn't handle the burden of raising a child," I felt attacked, like a sword pieced through my chest after he said those words.
I felt attacked not in the way of offense, but rather by the fact that it was the truth.
He was right.
Haruchiyo wasn't the one that made the biggest mistake between us, it was me. Compared to his accidental one night stand with some random, what I tried to escape from was nothing in comparison.
'Who am I kidding...? '
I wasn't worried if he could cope with being a single parent, rather if I could with the upcoming pressure and responsibility...
The weight of being a mother churned me, it was a wish to have a family but my lack of experience hindered me from seeing the brighter side and instead delved into a grave.
Had it not been for Haru by my side all throughout those harsh nine months, unaccounted events would've occurred.
'Is divorce really my answer? Or is it just another form of me trying to escape?'
"Just know that once court arrives, I won't hand over Kehaan that easily just because you're labeled as her 'mother'." He finished off, leaving the grim room and off to I presume his study or his bedroom. I didn't answer, knowing that he would most likely ignore what I have to say.
;;;;
<9:45 pm>
"You asked for a divorce? Are you sure? Have you really thought about it?" I heard Senju ask through the phone, I can practically see the shocked look on her face as we continued to talk.
"At first, it seemed like I have thought about it thoroughly. But, then when I brought it up, I couldn't help but question myself and to just, take everything back." I told the truth, my fingers playing with the soft comforter, my eyes watching air.
"Then take it all back! I know that between the both of us, you know you love my brother to the bone and you know that that decision wasn't wise." Senju scolded, the sound of tapping on keyboards was heard on her line before I heard her utter a small curse.
"Yes I know, it wasn't. I realize it now, but do you think he'll speak to me? He was so mad and..."
"Heartbroken," Senju continued for me. I didn't give her any sort of affirmation, but my silence was loud enough.
"I don't think he'll listen to a word I say," I was deflated beyond repair. It wasn't long after that I realized the severity of rash decisions, and now I don't even know if the love of my life would even like to see my face.
"You never know until you try,"
I hate to admit it, but Senju was correct. Despite my stupidity, I should at least try. If he won't concede and just allow the divorce to happen, then...
I've got so much to lose.