Guilt is, for me a tear,
Without even knowing, it blooms around my eyes
The words that I couldn't bring myself to say flow down
And lingering regret crawls over my face
Fear of losing you,
You, the person I find myself looking at
Every passing moment, clenching my heart
Hot tears streamed down my face
Feeling lost, my heart is a mess.
The pale man walked in, his steps slow, too fazed by the unsettling darkness and deafening silence, only echoing footsteps accompanying him.
His restless eyes tried to find the certain someone, someone who brings him comfort, someone who he knows will pull him to his embrace and will kiss him ever so softly, whispering comforting words in his ears he will kiss away all his tears and lingering fears.
Just then the noise of water splashing resonated in the peaceful room, causing him to hold his breath.
" Riki "
He whispered and hastened towards the origin of the noise, which led him to their enclosed swimming pool, where he abruptly stopped upon entering.
There he is. Nishimura Riki, casually swimming around in his boxer, blissfully unaware of anyone else around.
Silently and at a leisurely pace, he approached the side of the pool and settled down, tucking his knees against his chest he watched his boyfriend, observing him silently.
He wore a gentle smile on his attractive face when he realized that all his pain and annoyance vanished instantly upon seeing the younger.
Quietly admiring every detail, he kept his gaze fixed on his boyfriend without moving, absorbing the sight of his damp skin, the strands of wet hair clinging to his brow, his contented expression, and the droplets of water trickling down his chest. He was deeply engrossed in a mental haze, until a voice interrupted the train of his thoughts.
" are you just gonna sit there and stare? "
Ni-ki asked, his back still facing the older who frowned and tilted his head to the right as he asked;
" you knew? How? "
There was a silence that lingered for some moment, a comfortable one until the younger one finally turned around and approached him.
He had a sweet smile on his face and a soft glow in his eyes that Sunoo found breathtaking.
" because I can feel your presence "
Ni-ki answered.
" hm? "
He remained unable to comprehend how the younger knew, as he was certain he had walked here quietly without making any noise.
Rather than answering verbally, Ni-ki took hold of his hand and placed it gently upon his chest, directly above his pulsating heart.
Sunoo's breath caught as he sensed the younger's heart pounding uncontrollably; tears began to fill his eyes. He wondered why it was effortless for the younger to evoke such strong emotions in him. He felt like falling apart.
" hold me tight "
He murmured softly, and without needing to repeat himself, the younger embraced him tightly, drawing him nearer to his damp figure.
He struggled to speak and regulate his uneven breath. Seeking solace in his boyfriend's embrace, he nuzzled his face into his latter's neck.
" what's the matter? "
Ni-ki gently asked, running his fingers along his boyfriend's back, not pressuring him to respond but simply holding him tighter when he remained silent.
Sunoo felt foolish, foolish to believe he possessed any entitlement to feel guilty because the reality is...
He is deeply in love with Ni-ki,
He surrendered to his emotions too easily,
He chose to embrace the forbidden fruit fully aware of the potentially disastrous outcomes.
Outcomes such as, the potential consequences include losing his mother's trust, destroying the possibility of having a normal family, alienating all of his friends, and most significantly, what if they advise him to end the relationship?
So why is he afraid to confront the repercussions? Revealing their relationship fills him with fear, as if he isn't prepared to be seen as a villain, as an unsatisfactory son who failed his mother, her parenting, as if he took advantage of everyone around him.
The mere idea of confessing their relationship to his mother caused his heart to ache intensely.
Honestly, he completely disregarded the potential repercussions of his actions, such as kissing the guy he was supposed to have a brotherly relationship with, entering into a romantic relationship with him, and even lying shamelessly to his own mother. Reflecting on it now, he realizes that he was incredibly selfish and clearly lacked courage.
He knows that he is overthinking things, but he cannot control it; his concerns are not entirely groundless either. To a certain extent, it is rational to worry about what lies ahead for them. However, recognizing his own faulty judgments is a frightening prospect.
He doesn't feel regret for falling for the younger, or for anything else for that matter. This lack of regret is the problem because it renders his apologies to his mother, Ni-ki's father, and everyone he deceived with his facade.
" Pretty? Hey talk to me "
Ni-ki's soft voice interrupted his incessant overthinking, jolting him back to reality. The urge to punch himself surged within him.
" is it wrong to lie for the sake of love? "
He felt a tightening in his chest as he uttered those words, and the ensuing silence that followed filled him with remorse for asking.
What if Ni-ki will say yes, what will he do then?
He had a momentary thought about the question, but Ni-ki's voice interrupted him before he could delve further into it.
“ I don't know ” Ni-ki answered.
‘ what? ’
He appeared visibly confused, with his questioning thoughts reflecting on his face so Ni-ki continued speaking.
“ To be completely honest, hyung, I am unsure about the concept of right and wrong. What may appear as the correct choice to you might not be suitable for someone else, and what you perceive as wrong could be the perfect option for another.”
“ Not everybody can comprehend the emotions you experienced when making that choice, only few can empathize with you but unfairly criticize and pass judgment for lying to others, they have no rights to do that, simply because only we know what we feel for each other. ”
“ only I know how much you love me ”
Ni-ki moved closer, bringing their foreheads together they closed their eyes, enjoying the company of one another, discovering solace in each other, and embracing each other tightly.
“ I hope you know this, but in case you don't, I am deeply in love with you, and though I had planned to express my feelings in a special way, I believe that there is nothing more special than being by the side of the person you love the most. ”
“ In times when the world may go against you or against us, remember that I will always be there by your side, holding your hand, and gazing into your eyes with the same love and admiration that I have for you. ”
“ I promise you my unwavering love, no matter the challenges that may arise, we will confront them together. ”
“ So lean a bit more on me, have faith in me, I promise to treasure you eternally ”
He realized he was crying when he felt the younger's fingers brushing his tear-stained cheeks. He closed his eyes even tighter as the words affected him deeply, and now he doesn't understand the reason behind his tears.
Was he crying because of fear, or appreciation for the latter's words? However, his exhaustion prevents him from engaging in much contemplation or rational thought at the moment.
He just gave up and uttered the first thing that came to his mind.
“ I love you too ”
He smiled at how own words, it felt so right... Yes, it felt just right knowing they both love eachother and he don't need to seek others validation for their relationship because it's none of their business anyways.
He can feel the latter smiling as he felt the arms around him tightened. He concentrated on his boyfriend's steady breathing and his pounding heart, trying to match with the younger's rythem.
“ and... It sounded like taking marriage vows silly ”
They shared a lighthearted laugh before briefly breaking apart, only to be drawn back together for a fervent kiss. Ni-ki, still smiling, quickly guided him into the pool, causing him to gasp and momentarily separate from his embrace.
“ No- my clothes! ”
Sunoo stopped complaining when he noticed the serious look on the younger's face. The kind smile that had been present before had disappeared, and the gentle eyes now appeared deep and intense, almost pulling him in. This made him feel small in comparison to the taller who was towering him once again, reminding him of their height difference.
Feeling nervous, he took a step back and released his grip on the younger person, only to suddenly realize that he can't swim.
Before he could lose his balance, two strong arms pulled him by his waist, helping him to keep him above the water and he couldn't help but clinge to the taller's damp frame for dear life.
“ I-I can't swim ”
He complained with a pout.
“ Unfortunate ”
That's all Ni-ki said before pulling him more closer.
“ T-Then get me out of here? ”
A smirk formed on the younger's lips who had no intention of helping him out.
“ no ”
He said, voice filled with mischievousness and playfulness and Sunoo could help but murmur a low curse under his breath.
“ Why? ”
He couldn't help but ask and Ni-ki replied simply with a shrug.
“ it's rare to have Kim Sunoo clinging to me, stay like this it's fun ”
He was aware of that annoying smirk that was now dancing on Ni-ki's lips and he so badly wanted to wipe it off.
“ you are the only one having fun- Ni-ki please ”
Silence filled the room for a moment until Ni-ki decided to break it, suddenly all the playfulness drained out of his voice and the next word he said, Sunoo swore he his heart jumped out of his chest.
“ then go on a date with me ”
To be Continued