"So..."
"So?"
"I'm going on a date with Haerin this weekend." Danielle said sheepishly.
"Really?!" Despite feeling so hollow inside, Hanni was actually happy for her best friend. Danielle has been on and off regarding the idea of dating a doctor for a while. She said she only has one heart and it was very fragile and she wasn't up for another heartbreak for whatever reason.
Minji told her about how miserable and lonely Haerin was since her messy break up with Yuna. Hanni thought that Haerin was nice regardless of the scandal. Besides, everybody deserves a second chance. Haerin made a terrible mistake didn't mean she was a terrible person. She had made it clear to the plastic surgeon about Danielle and she would not push them to anything since it wasn't her business but she would not stay silent should the harmless texting happen again.
"Yeah, she seems fun." Danielle blushed.
"I mean, I'm not only looking for fun." She quickly added.
"I'm not totally ready for a serious - full commitment relationship yet but I won't play her. I swear I will not do that."
"I trust you, Danielle." Hanni smiled reassuringly.
"Have fun on your date! And don't forget to keep me updated." She teased, earning the biggest grin from her friend.
They were discussing outfits, what to do and not to do on Danielle's date when Hanni's phone beeped on the table. She peeked the device, staring at it for a moment then sighed. Danielle noticed the switch of the mood in an instant.
"What is it?" She asked.
"Minji and I are fighting and she chooses to drink it off again rather than solve it with me." Hanni tossed her phone after reading the text her wife sent. She looked away and bit her lips.
"Here I thought she loved me."
"Han, don't say that." Danielle said softly.
"Maybe she needs space."
"Or maybe she finally regrets marrying me because I can't give what she wants."
"Come on, you know her better than this." Her friend consoled her.
"I'm tired Dani." She finally shed a tear.
"I can't always be the one who surrenders and makes peace when everything goes wrong. Does she even know how this pregnancy thing affects me? Does she even care?"
"Han-”
"Whatever." Hanni wiped her tears.
"She can have it her way. I have a court to attend." She grabbed her purse and documents as she stormed out the door, pressing whatever feeling was raging inside her chest.
******
The sound of the door handle made Hanni lift her eyes from the book she was currently reading. She didn't move an inch although Minji was persistently knocking the door, begging her to open up. She was pretending to be asleep. As much as she disliked the idea of sleeping alone, being in the same room with Minji was too much right now. Her wife wasn't home last night because Minjeong took Minji to her apartment. Hanni was angry and she had the right to be.
It was past midnight when the sleepiness finally kicked in. She closed her book, turned off the bad lamp and took the blanket to cover her body.
By the time Hanni woke up a few hours later, she was feeling better. She found Minji with her mouth wide open on the couch, snoring lightly. She was still wearing her socks. There were snakes everywhere. The TV still on, showing the morning news.
Hanni sighed heavily.
No matter what, and despite her ego talking, Minji was supposed to be her priority. She had bound herself to her wife after the holy vow she declared on their wedding. Yes, Minji gave her approval regarding her career. She said she wouldn't have it any other way. Minji didn't want Hanni to stay at home doing nothing. But a job always came with responsibility. She never wished her case became so complicated and consumed all of her time and mind. Did she wish Minji would understand that? Absolutely, yes. Nevertheless, Minji was her wife and she needed her.
She was supposed to be my priority.
Her anger subsided at the sight. She bent down to give Minji a kiss on her cheek.
"I miss you." She whispered lowly. She caressed the corner of Minji's mouth lightly and placed a soft peck on it.
"I really, really miss you."
She could never stay mad at Minji. The recent issue plus stressful work life took over their judgement and made the problem run for too long. She realized she was at fault too. She had handled her latest case for more or less eight months now. Everything was fine before the case leaked to the public and it cost her everything, especially Minji. Thankfully, the battle between her client and the government finally found a bright spot. Today was the last court and she couldn't be happier for that.
Hanni quietly cleaned the mess and cooked some breakfast for Minji. It had been a while since the last time she did it. She made Minji's favorite: crispy bacon with cheese and omelette.
As she was done with cooking, she placed Minji's clothes neatly on their bed then took a shower. Hanni was already in her working attire when Minji walked into their bedroom. They fell into awkward silence. Neither of them knew what to say.
"Ready for work?" Minji asked to break the ice.
"Yeah," Hanni replied as she continued applying some make up.
"What time do you plan to come home?"
"Five- maybe six, why?"
Hanni took her purse as she stole the last glance to the mirror. "We have a lot to talk about. I'll try to be home before seven."
"Sure," She answered curtly.
"Look, Minji... I'm trying, okay? We'll work it out somehow."
"Okay."
"I have to go. There's breakfast in the kitchen. I love you."
Minji smiled a little when Hanni set a quick peck on her lips.
"I love you, too."
The inviting smell came across her nose when she walked into the kitchen. Minji was quite pleased at the sight of the nice breakfast she had been longing for a while.
"We'll work it out. Hanni.”
******
Today was Minji's polyclinic schedule. There weren't many patients and she was grateful for that. She had time to think about what was going on between Hanni and her. She was scared to death to get pregnant. She had thought through it, her body and soul screamed no to that idea.
"There's always adoption," She mumbled to herself.
"But it will be better if we have them on our own." She heaved a breath.
"Dr. Kim, a patient for you." A nurse stepped into the room then handed her a folder of medical records.
"Mr. Lee JaeJong, come on in."
"Oh?" It was Hanni's boss.
"Mr. Lee, good morning." She welcomed him warmly.
"How are you feeling today?"
"I'm feeling great." He took a seat.
"I come here for my regular check up," He smiled.
Minji did the routine and got nothing wrong — which was good.
"I'm glad you're my doctor." Mr. Lee said as he buttoned up his shirt.
"Pardon me to say this but there are doctors who don't care much about their patients. Thankfully you're not one of them."
"Thanks, Mr. Lee. To each their own. No one is perfect, including me."
"I know. I'm just glad." He chuckled a bit.
"I'm sorry I have to put Hanni on the case she currently handles. It consumes most of her time, I suppose?"
"Yeah," Minji answered unenthusiastically.
"Hanni is one of my best senior partners whom I trust dearly. I made the right decision to assign her in this case."
"Thank you, I guess?" Minji replied unsurely. She was proud of her wife but to be chosen for every tough case made her nothing but exasperated.
"I plan to give her a week off after today."
"Oh?" Minji was surprised.
"Why is that?"
"Today is the final court and she deserves to rest for a while." Mr. Lee titled his head.
"You don't know?”
"W-What? Of course I know." Minji chuckled awkwardly.
"She told me. Yes."
"Very well, then. Thank you, Dr. Kim."
They bid their goodbye as Minji bowed politely to the older man.
A week off?!
******
The weather was nice today. The sun didn't shine too bright and when the twilight started to show up, the breeze playfully danced in the air. A polite greeting welcomed Minji when she walked into the shop. The air was refreshing and intoxicating.
She wasn't an expert in showing affection through words or acts. She wasn't born a romantic. She spent her early adult life mourning about how unfair love and life was to her. She was numb to the point she had no intention to be with anyone and determined to never use her feelings for anything anymore.
Then Hanni interfered with her well-composed dead soul. As much as she tried to push Hanni off, the girl never walked away.
It wasn't because old habits die hard. Her anger management was progressing nicely through the years she spent with her wife. Nevertheless, when the pressure was too much for her to handle, her fury slipped out and left her with nothing but regret.
"Thank you, Miss. Please do come back." The florist handed the arranged rose to her.
It was stupid and childish of her for behaving the way she did. She was asking Hanni a great favor, a favor that would change Hanni's world forever. She should be more considerate about the situation rather than run from it with alcohol.
Minji pulled the car to her parking spot. She shouldered her bag then carefully grabbed the flower as she stepped out of the car. She was planning to order some good Korean food for dinner when she arrived at home.
It was time for her to act like a real adult and dependable wife.
She punched the apartment code. The door then opened automatically. She kicked off the shoes and hung her jacket neatly. The house was too quiet. She checked her watch and sighed. It was only six. Hanni wasn't home yet. She pulled out her phone, searching for Hanni's favorite Korean restaurant number.
"Minji?"
Her wife's voice surprised her.
"Hey. You're home already? I thought-" Minji inspected Hanni's dress closely. She was wearing a knee length dark blue dress complete with heels and accessories. She also did her hair and make-up as if she was going to an important party or something.
"Are you going somewhere?" Minji couldn't help but be disappointed. She was hoping they could have some nice dinner and finally talk about their long unspoken problem.
"Is that for me?" Hanni mentioned the flower instead.
"This? Yeah," She replied.
"Are you going somewhere?" She repeated.
"Then why don't you give it to me?"
"Hanni..."
"Yes, I'm having dinner with you."
"Huh?"
"Are you really just going to stand there? Aren't those supposed to be mine?"
Minji was too surprised to process what her wife just said. Hanni huffed a breath then walked closer to Minji. The lawyer placed her palm to Minji's cheek tenderly. She leaned in then pressed their lips together. The kiss was gentle and unrushed. Minji held Hanni's waist instinctively. Hanni now had both of her hands on Minji's face. It was a pure longing for each other's present.
Minji was the first one who broke off the kiss. She attached her forehead to Hanni's and sighed quietly.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, too."
"I miss you, too." Minji chuckled at that.
"Well... this is for you, Mrs. Gorgeous." She gave the roses to Hanni.
"I miss you."
"Thank you. They're so pretty." She said, as she smelled the roses.
"I'm glad you like it." Minji smiled in relief.
"Um... are we going somewhere?”
Hanni shook her head. "I've prepared our dinner. Try a few new recipes, I hope it'll turn out good."
"I doubt it won't be delicious. You're the best chef I've ever known."
"Now you're just exaggerating," Hanni giggled.
"I'm just an amateur."
"Yeah well, you should go to culinary school, quickly steal the diploma and bam! You're a professional." Hanni laughed out loud at Minji's joke. She missed this, she missed spending time with Minji and her weird sense of humour.
Hanni took Minji's hand and led her to the kitchen.
"Oh wow, you are prepared." The doctor looked at the decoration in awe. There were a few candles on the table for two that illuminated the room. The curtain was wide-open showing the unusual bright stars far above the sky. She had many candlelit dinners with Hanni before, but those couldn't beat this one-the one her wife set up for her.
"Hungry?"
"Very." Minji grinned. Hanni told her to have a seat while she took out a plate of beautiful appetisers.
"What's this?" Minji asked excitedly to the sigh of mouthwatering food. The visual of Hanni's cooking was always amazing.
"Grilled zucchini and smoked salmon," Hanni replied as she poured their favorite wine into the glass. She sat across from her wife, looking at her lovingly.
"Go on, try it."
As expected, Hanni's cooking was beyond words. The main course and dessert were also delicious. Minji enjoyed every bite of it. They finally got their well-deserved good time together. The nice atmosphere and tasty meals allowed them to forget their problem for a while. They didn't touch any sensitive subject for the sake of keeping the serenity intact.
Minji felt bad because she did nothing while Hanni had done everything. She was only in jeans and shirt, her make up was long gone and her body probably stank, too. She was the total opposite of Hanni.
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes, it is. I mean, look at me." Minji pointed to herself as she stood in front of her wife in the living room.
"And look at you. You're a goddess."
"Why thank you." Hanni smiled.
"I'm glad you like me."
Minji shook her head. "I love you." She slumped beside her wife.
"We have so much to talk about."
"Yeah, we do." Hanni replied lowly.
"Do you want to do it now?"
"Sure," The surgeon took Hanni's hand in her. She moved closer then wrapped her arm around Hanni.
"In one condition, though."
"Hm?"
"Keep our voice down. I don't want you to yell at me. You can get mad or whatever but talk to me, don't yell at me. I will do the same," Hanni negotiated.
"Okay, I can do that." Minji assured her.
"Where do I begin?" She thought for a while.
"Um... I've been thinking." Minji adjusted her position, facing Hanni.
"About us."
"Okay?"
"I think I depend on you too much," She stared carefully. She was afraid Hanni took it the wrong way.
"I think I'm losing myself."
"What do you mean?" Hanni furrowed her brows. She didn't really like the sound of it.
"Well... I-uh. I'm so used to you. It feels weird when you're not there, you know?"
"I'm not sure I understand." The frown on her pretty face got deeper.
Minji heaved a breath. "I need myself back, Hanni. I need my independency.”
"I don't know where you want to go with this. What are you talking about?"
"I've been too needy and clingy and our relationship is not healthy this way." She said lowly.
"What do you mean unhealthy? I thought we're good now?" Hanni unconsciously raised her voice. She was afraid that her absence in the past few months cost Minji the ability to drive away from her.
"We're good, yes." She scooted closer to her wife and pulled her in her embrace.
"What I'm trying to say is that... I build my world around you and it feels so empty, so lonely, so worthless without you. I keep losing my way when you're not there, when you're occupied with other things." Minji tried to explain her failed statement.
"Get to the point, Minji. Stop playing around the bush."
"I need myself back, Hanni. I don't want to be this way forever. I don't want to rely on you."
"I don't"
"Let's put it this way," Minji cut off.
"If our kid is here, you'll be busy with them. They will do nothing but cry for at least twelve months. They're hungry? They cried. They want to pee or poop, It'll be ridiculous if I get jealous over them, right?"
"What are you-"
"I'm selfish, okay? When it comes to you, I'm selfish. I want you, all of you." She stated.
"I'm all yours." Hanni said as a matter of fact.
"I belong to you."
"No, it's not what I mean." Minji shook her head desperately. Professionally, she was an excellent communicator. But when it came to sentimental things, she stuttered like an idiot.
"I know it's not about me or you anymore. It's about you and I, us. We are one. But there's this tiny space in ourselves that can't be filled by anyone else but ourselves, right?
"Baby... you confuse me." Hanni looked sincerely puzzled.
"Look, the point is I need to get a grip on myself. I don't want to throw a tantrum at you every time you get some maddening, annoying, complicated case to handle. This is not how our relationship should work."
"Okay... wh-how are you going to do it?"
"Be less grumpy, for starters," She paused.
"Then I hope everything will fall to me in the process.”
That made Hanni laugh. Minji didn't know what to do but her pride was too high to admit it.
"Why are you laughing at me?" Minji rolled her eyes.
"You're adorable, you know that?" Her wife giggled.
"I get that compliment from time to time," She shrugged nonchalantly.
Hanni smiled as she brought Minji's face towards her and gave her a long, gentle kiss.
"You have a weird way to speak your mind."
"I don't find it amusing, Hanni." Minji deadpanned.
"I thought you're going to say some heartbreaking confession. You scared me for a moment."
Minji grinned. "There's nothing more heartbreaking for me to do to you other than I change your favorite channel to mine."
They laughed at Minji's lame joke. It felt good to be able to talk and get close like they used to. At last, they got their peace of mind and found the comfort of being in each other's arms again.
"I'm sorry I've been so busy. You have the right to be angry." It was Hanni's turn to speak. She set her head to Minji's shoulder.
"But it's over now, no more me leaving before you're awake and being home when you're asleep."
"That's nice," Minji replied.
"I do miss you very much, but I'm sorry too. I shouldn't act that way. We should find the solution
together.”
"I can't say that I'm not disappointed in you, but I'm glad you realize that." Hanni sighed.
"I know you need space, and I'm willing to give it as much as you want, and I know I am at fault, too." She quickly added.
"But I don't think I can agree if you go out, drink it off and not come home after that."
"Yeah, I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted." Hanni kissed Minji's nose.
"it's there anything else?"
Minji shook her head while smiling. "Are we really good now?"
"We're good." Hanni nodded against her shoulder.
"Minji?"
"Hm?"
"I'm taking indefinite leave from work."
"What?!" She was surprised at the sudden one-sided decision.
"I want to try my best to... you know?"
"To get pregnant?"
"Yeah. I want to try my best. No stress, no cases. I want to give my best shot. I mean, it may fail because of constant pressure, right?"
"I suppose?" Minji felt guiltier than ever. She was a damn jerk who didn't deserve Hanni at all cost. She was so freaking stupid and thoughtless and thick-headed and she hurt Hanni through her egoist way. What did she do in her past life to deserve this incredible woman? Hanni had sacrificed everything for her.
"If it doesn't work this time," She paused for a moment.
"I don't think I can handle failure anymore, Minji." The sadness in her voice was evident. She almost broke to tears but she held it in. The hope of being able to embrace her little one was overwhelming. Her soul was craving for them.
She loved them, even though they were not here, yet.
"We'll get them here, Hanni. They will be here.”