♥
I didn't really sleep. I couldn't.
Instead I held my mate between my arms and I listened to his breathing. Throughout the night I kept checking his pulse. I wanted to make sure that he was still breathing. I know he should be checked over by a doctor after everything he's been through but when he fell asleep in my arms, I couldn't bring myself to move.
The bond between us started to grow stronger again and I took that as a sign that he's okay for now. But the first thing when he wakes up, we're going to the pack doctor to double check everything.
He had water and something to eat before we attempted to sleep. I practically made him because I don't know how long he was trapped in that coffin for. I don't even want to think about it.
I know it's morning because Milo's room is much lighter than last night. I can't take my eyes off him. I stroke back his dark hair and analyse his perfect face. Every inch is perfect, beyond even.
My eyes fixate on his plump lips, the colour restoring from last night. They were sickly pale, lifeless. But now they're a light pink and bringing back that evidence of health.
His dark lashes brush his cheek and I study his chest as he breathes, making sure it's still even and paced. I've been freaking out all night and I can't stop myself from double checking.
I almost lost him once. There is no way I'm losing him again.
When I lean forward, I press a delicate kiss to his cheek. Not being able to hold back anymore. I want to shower him in affection and love. He deserves it. After what he said last night, I can't stop my heart from shattering all over again.
The pain. The absolute agony I've felt the last twenty hours.
Go and live, Nate. I promise it's okay.
Live? My life will be nothing without him.
I'll live a life of regret and despair. How can I move on when I've had him in my life? He's not the sort of person you meet and discard. He's the person you meet and adore and want to marry and mark because the thought of being without them is unbearable.
A single tear rolls down my cheek and I have no idea how I have any left in me after last night. But just looking at him like this. I've never met someone so beautiful, someone who literally takes my breath away every time I see him.
I hate myself for letting him leave when he was upset. I despise myself for not going after him and making him feel safe. He left because he couldn't stand the thought of hurting me–and I let him.
My eyes shut painfully. The memory makes my stomach roll with nausea.
He thinks I'll be better off without him. He thinks he's doing me a favour but he's destroying me piece by piece.
A part of me wants him to stay asleep for as long as possible because I can't bear the thought of the conversation we're going to have when he wakes up. If he's going to expect me to have left.
But I said I'm not leaving. Not when I'm concerned that he's suicidal.
He wished I didn't find him in time. How could he wish that?
I've never felt heartbreak like this. Yet I'm right beside him, enjoying the warmth of his body and his scent that surrounds us. But it's not good enough because I know things aren't okay, I need things to be okay.
I need him.
My eyes keep flicking over every inch of his face. Almost like I'm memorising it–for what... I don't know. But I do it anyway. Just in case.
I push back his hair again, my palm smoothing over his forehead. My lips tremble as I glance down at his cute nose and parted mouth.
"I love you." I whisper as my voice cracks. "I love you so much, you have no idea."
Milo doesn't shift. He's still sound asleep.
But the confession of my love makes my chest lighter, even if he didn't hear me.
I sink down into the pillow beside him and stroke my hand across his bare shoulder. I will lay here for as long as I have to. I'm content with holding him because it's the closest I've been in days and I'm not taking a second for granted.
At some point a groan escapes Milo's throat and he shifts between my arms but I don't move them. I keep a hold of him. Then when those blue eyes flutter open to look me right in the face, I place my hand on his cheek.
"Hi," I whisper, a small smile on my lips.
He blinks a couple times, eyes slightly red from his extended sleep but no doubt that he needed the rest after the trauma he went through. "Are you okay?" I ask.
Milo licks his lips, he's probably severely dehydrated. I lean over to the bedside table behind me and grab a bottle of water. "Sit up," I order him, he doesn't fight me. He shuffles back into the headboard. I undo the lid and place the bottle to his lips and watch as he takes a couple sips.
When he's done I place the bottle back and watch as he adjusts his eyes again. It's like he has no idea where he is, who he is. "How are you feeling?" I question again.
His brows bunch together as if he's in pain but he says nothing.
Worry floods my body. "Milo," I exhale. "Talk to me. Please."
When he shakes his head and exhales a breath of strain, my heart pounds in my chest so fast that I think it's about to explode.
"I need to be alone," he mumbles so quietly that I barely hear the words.
"No," I rasp. "Milo, don't push me away."
His jaw tenses and his eyes close so tight that I think they might rip. "Please. Just give me some time."
"After what you told me last night?" I exhale desperately. "I am not leaving you."
As his eyes open, I'm completely breaking down again. "I need to think."
"About us?"
"About everything. Nate, please."
I press my forehead to his. "Fuck. Please don't do this."
"Give me time," he whispers weakly. "I can't do this right now."
"I'm not leaving."
A wave of discomfort flashes on his face. "I don't want you here, Nate. If you care about me, I need you to leave me alone. You're making this worse. You're making this worse!"
I flinch from the tone of his voice. I'm making it worse? I want him to be okay. I want my Milo back.
My hands slide around his jaw and I hold him to me. I feel my stomach clench. As much as I don't want to leave him, I don't want to push him away anymore. My fingers tremble around him, keeping a hold on those lifeless eyes. "I'll give you as much time as you want but don't punish yourself for wanting to be happy. I know you want to be with me and I promise you, whatever thoughts are telling you that you're not good enough, they're bullshit. Because you are, you're one in seven million, Milo. You are my one in seven billion."
"Please go."
"Don't make me go."
"I don't want you here! I can't think, I can't breathe with you in my space!"
"Then force me to go," I growl.
He clenches his jaw, eyes trembling. "If there is anything for us in the future, Nate. I need you to go and respect my choice."
Anything for us in the future? My heart stings.
"I don't want to leave you."
"I don't want you here." He says seriously, eyes narrowing.
I forget how to breathe. Fuck. The last thing I want is to push him away again and again to the point he despises me.
Milo's eyes flick between mine frantically, a thousand different emotions flashing past them in a second. I lean forward to press a kiss to his forehead because I don't know what else to do. I'm defeated. I'm losing sense of everything. "I'll be waiting for you," I whisper before kissing him one last time. "This isn't over. Not when you mean everything to me."
I reluctantly pull my arms away and Milo settles back into his bed. My limbs feel like cement, weighing me down as I stand. His eyes glance down at my damp cheeks which doesn't even explain what I'm feeling inside. It's a thousand times worse.
My head lowers and I walk towards his bedroom door. As soon as I touch the handle, I pause. I left him once, am I going to leave him again?
I glance over my shoulder, Milo is watching me. "Go." He demands.
So I leave because I don't want to make things worse like he said. I leave because he asked me to respect his choice. My heart stings, almost too painful to register.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I can hardly breathe. I hear footsteps approach and I look up to find Reign standing before me, eyes wide with concern. "How is he?"
I shake my head. She can tell by the look on my face. "Not good," I admit. "He doesn't want me here. But please get a doctor to check on him as soon as possible, even if he doesn't want it. He needs one. He's been through shit these last few days."
"Okay," she picks at the skin around her nails.
"And keep a close eye on him," my throat clenches. "I fear he might do something bad."
My chest squeezes at my own words. I want to be there for him but he wants me to go. What am I supposed to do? I can't force him to be with me.
She blinks rapidly. "Shit. Of course, yes. I'll be there for him."
Everett appears at her side and I'm not sure who looks worse, me or him. I glare at him because he's the reason Milo's mood took a turn. "Is he okay?" He asks genuinely, clearly missing the first part of our conversation.
I take one step closer to him, I don't mean to be intimidating but my natural bodily instincts take over. "I will never forgive you for what you said to him. I swear to God, if you ever do anything like that to hurt him again, I will fucking kill you. Do you understand me?"
Everett doesn't even flinch. He doesn't even defend himself. He nods in understanding.
Milo never got round to telling me but whatever it was, it must have been horrific for him to act out like this. Now I can't stop thinking about how Everett fucked everything up. He has no idea that Henry tried to kill him because he went to Apollo's party.
His jaw clenches when I continue to stare at him. "I don't think I can even forgive myself."
My eyes cut across to Reign who looks beyond devastated. "Take care of him, okay? Let me know if anything happens or you need me to come by. I'll be here as soon as I can."
"I will, I promise." She says quietly.
I head home after feeling empty and void of everything. Every step I take, my heart sinks even more. I might blame Everett but I'm also partly to blame. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt. I should have trusted him. Instead I accused him because I was hurt.
As I walk through the front door of my pack house, the last person I want to see is my father. But he's standing right there, at the bottom of the stairs. His eyes zero in on mine and he rushes over to me.
"Nathaniel?" He asks, sounding worried. "What's wrong?"
He places a caring hand on my shoulder and I lose it completely. Before I know it he's bundled me into his arms and hugs me close to his body. "Whatever it is, son. You can tell me."
I haven't seen this side to my father in years and I don't have the energy to ask what's going on. Instead I take the opportunity by its horns. "My mate," I choke out.
"Your mate?" He repeats, pulling me away and holding my shoulders. "You found your mate?"
My head nods and his expression is struck. "When?"
"Months ago," I admit.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
I pluck up the courage to stare him directly in the eye when I say, "Because he's a man."
My father's brows pinch together, showcasing all the frown lines on his forehead. "You didn't tell me because you thought I'd be upset that you're gay?"
I feel my lips beginning to tremble. "Yes."
"Oh son," he shakes his head before hugging me again.
We stay like this for a while and I hate to admit that it's comforting. I missed any form of attention from him after mum died. But this reminds me of times when we used to feel like a family.
"I don't care who is your mate, as long as they treat you right," he murmurs into my shoulder and I exhale a quiet sob. "I wish you told me but I guess it's partly my fault that you felt like you couldn't tell me. I'm sorry you felt like that. You're still my son, you'll always be my son."
I pull away slowly and he studies my face. "Tell me what's wrong."
With few words I give him a brief summary of what's happened the last few months, leaving out Milo having a sex addiction and the fact I almost killed Henry. I don't need to give him all the details.
"Come sit with me," he beckons me over to the small lounge.
I follow because I don't think my legs can stand for a moment longer. I'm practically a walking bag of bones because every zap of energy is gone. We sit next to each other on the sofa and I keep my eyes down.
"Your mother and I used to argue a lot," he says and I turn my head to look at him instantly. He hasn't spoken about mum in so long that I was starting to think that he had forgotten about her for good. "But that doesn't mean we didn't love each other to pieces."
My lips part as I exhale a breath, one of awe and relief. He's talking about her. To me.
"I made silly mistakes and sometimes made bad choices, even if I pushed her away but she always came back. Even if she took her time." He admits and I can tell it's taking him a lot to speak openly about this. "But we persisted, I persisted. I had to prove to her that she was everything I wanted. I'm not perfect, none of us are–except your mother."
This makes me smile. "But the Moon Goddess doesn't lie. Give Milo the time he wants, I know it's hard. I used to hate it when your mother asked for space but I knew it was the best thing to give to her because a clear mind is better than arguing."
I purse my lips and nod. "I miss her," I whimper.
My father's arm snakes over my shoulders. "I miss her too," he nuzzles his head into my arm. "So much."
"I've wanted to talk about her for so long," I say, closing my eyes.
"I know, Nate. I know. I'm sorry. Thinking about her is so painful."
I sniffle. "It doesn't have to be. We can make her memory live on, together. I want to talk about her with you but I've lived in fear of it for years." I stare him directly in the eye.
His throat tenses. "I'm sorry, Nate. I'll try harder. I promise."
My lips curl but I'm feeling an abundance of emotions right now.
"And things will get better with Milo," he reassures me. "I know it."
"Thank you," I whisper gratefully.
If only I could tell myself it and believe it at the same time.
♥ ♥ ♥
Read the full completed book and bonus chapters over on Ream and Patreon!
www.reamstories.com/savannaroseauthor
www.patreon.com/dreammcatcher
Link is also in bio!
Author's Note
THE EMOTIONAL DAMAGE IS REAL
Ugh. Nate whispering to Milo that he loves him. I can't.😭😭😭
Also Nate threatening to kill Everett if he hurts him again? We love a protective mate👏🏼
Should Nate have left? I know how much he wants to respect his choice but I think he knows deep down that Reign will take care of him. Milo needs time to think through everything that has happened.
Is Nate's dad finally having character development? I'm totally here for it!🥹
What did you guys think of this chapter? Don't forget to comment!👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼
Don't forget to vote and comment, it makes my day!✨
Love Savanna x
Insta: savannaroseauthor
Ream: savannaroseauthor
Patreon: dreammcatcher
Tik Tok: SavannaWritess